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Sportz?

(Episode opens in front of SpongeBob's Pineapple, where SpongeBob opens his door, struggling to take out his trash. His arms squiggle and he finishes pushing the can to the driveway.)
SpongeBob: Phew! (wipes sweat off)
(A Mail Truck drives by and a Package dressed to "Sandy Cheeks" falls out)
SpongeBob: What's that?
Patrick: (Pops out of the trash can) Looks like a box…
SpongeBob: (The two walk to the box) ‘Wonder who it belongs to… (SpongeBob jumps on the box and squeaks, to look at the side) Maybe it's on the other side… (He jumps off)
SpongeBob and Patrick: Nope.
Patrick: (Looks at the box's tape) Oh look, it's open.
SpongeBob: It is?
Patrick: (yanks the tape off) Yup.
SpongeBob: (Goes into the box and gazes in wonder) Oooh… (Jumps into the box and pulls out a Basketball, followed by a mountain of Sports equipment) It's—it's—STUFF!
Patrick: (laughs) I knew it! But—what does this stuff do? (The mountain of equipment falls on both SpongeBob and Patrick)

(Bubble transition, next scene, where we see the two in SpongeBob's library, SpongeBob is holding a Golf Club)

SpongeBob: Hm… this must be for gettin' books off the top shelf. (SpongeBob scatters books off the top shelf all around, Patrick is happy before he gets crushed by books)
Patrick: (Looks up to see one book hasn't fallen, it lands straight on his forehead) Wow.

(Bubble transition, next scene, where we see the two in SpongeBob's kitchen, Patrick is holding a bowling ball)

Patrick: This must be a whipped cream holder! (Opens fridge and squirts whipped cream onto the bowling ball's three holes, he eats it and the bowling ball lands flat in his throat, the floor breaks and he falls below)
SpongeBob: (worried) Gah! Patrick, are you okay!?
Patrick: (silent as the bowling ball if blocking his mouth, he tries to lick the rest of the cream) Yum!

(Bubble transition, next scene, where we see the two in SpongeBob's living room, SpongeBob is holding a baseball glove, he puts it down and Gary sleeps on it)

SpongeBob: (happily) This must be a portable snail bed! (picks up Gary and rocks him) Rock-a-bye Gary…
Patrick: (loudly) I wanna try! (he jumps onto the glove and knocks off Gary, he prances like a cat and falls asleep)
SpongeBob: (pearly-eyed) Aw…

(Bubble transition, next scene, where we see a shot of Squidward's house)

Squidward: (in his kitchen, carrying a freshly-cooked brisket) La-da-dee, la-da-dum. la-da-doo. (He places the brisket next to a fancy meal proudly) Oh, it may have taken you all morning Squidward, but this is a meal fit for a king. (oven dings) Oh! My croque-madame is ready! (A tennis ball crashes through the window and destroys his room, and a lamp falls on Squidward's meal. Squidward comes back with the croque-madame, shocked) What-the!? (The tennis ball lands on Squidward's croque-madame and it splats in his face, he hears SpongeBob laughing and gets outraged) Grrrrrr… (slams door open) SpongeBob! Patrick! What do you two think you're—(interrupted by the pile of Sports equipment, hears laughing again, he runs to his backyard)
SpongeBob: Hi-ya! (On top of Patrick holding a tennis racket, he launches a soccer ball at Squidward's birdhouse, it bounces on his fountain and splats on his flowers. The two twirl around and try to hit the ball again before Squidward intervenes)
Squidward: (saddened) My begonias! What are you lunk heads doing with all this equipment?
Both: Equipment?
Squidward: You don't know what this stuff is?!
Both: Mm-mmm. Mm-mmm.
Squidward: This is a soccer ball, (kicks the ball at SpongeBob's face) that is a tennis racket (shoves the racket at him), and these are a couple of morons! (Bashes the two together) Now be quiet, and clean up all your Sports junk!
Both: (confused) What's a… "Sportz?"
Squidward: (groans) Sports are games you play for points. The points determine the winner of the game.
Patrick: Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! I love games!
SpongeBob: (excitedly) Me too! You must know a lot about "Sportz," Squidward. Will you teach us how to play?
Squidward: I can't think of anything I'd rather do less than—
(An angel version of Squidward pops up above his shoulder)
Angel Squidward: Now now, Squidward. You need to help them. Played incorrectly, sports can be very dangerous.
(A devil version of Squidward pops up above his other shoulder)
Devil Squidward: Yeah, he's right! You should teach 'em to play wrong, 'cause it's payback time!
(A tennis ball crushes Squidward's angel, he's shown in pain)
Angel Squidward: Let him have it… right between the eyes. (he disappears, as does devil Squidward)
Squidward: You know, on second thought, I'd be happy to teach you all about sports, SpongeBob. (laughs evilly)

(Bubble transition, next scene, we see a shot of conch street where Squidward is demonstrating a game)

Squidward: Alright, the object of this game is to throw the horseshoe around the stick.
SpongeBob: Ah, seems easy enough.
Squidward: Sure, but you have to do it... (holds up a blindfold) blindfolded. (ties it on SpongeBob's eyes and gives him a horseshoe, SpongeBob's brain squeezes out for a second)
Patrick: (licks the horseshoe while Squidward gives him a blindfold) Um, do we throw now?
Squidward: Yes
SpongeBob: At the same time?
Squidward: Yes! Throw it at the same time! Throw!
SpongeBob: Hi-ya! (Throws the horseshoe) (Patrick throws it and the horseshoes simultaneously land on each other's faces) Ow! (sticks his tongue out with his eyes showing, then puts his eyeballs back in his sockets) Aw, we didn't hit the sticks. Did we do bad?
Patrick: (with a puffy face) My face hurts…
Squidward: Oh, no, no, no. You both did good. (evilly) Pain is, uh… worth points! You know the phrase, "no pain, no gain."
Patrick: (laughs) I want pain points! (kicks his horseshoe, a seahorse falls on him)
Squidward: Yeah, that's great. Now do it—oh, 100 more times. (throws back the horseshoe)
SpongeBob: Yeah! (The horseshoe falls on his nose. When he throws it again, Patrick's horseshoe hits him in the face) Ow. (They keep hitting themselves with horseshoes, Squidward rests on a chair and watches in amusement)
Squidward: Oh, Squiddy, you're a genius.
(SpongeBob and Patrick are shown to be brutally beaten up by Squidward's "Game")
SpongeBob: Squidward, can the game be over now? All this pain is starting to hurt.
Squidward: Oh, sorry. There's no way to end the game without one of you winning.
Both: (Groans simultaneously)

(Bubble transition, next scene, where we see SpongeBob and Patrick in running pose wearing ice skates, and Squidward holding a water gun and timer to start a race)

Squidward: Ready—Set—Go!
(Both scurry along)
Patrick: (Tries to balance himself on the ice skates, and he starts to split and his bones break)
SpongeBob: (Same pain as Patrick, he trips and falls into a mound of worms, which he has to spit out) Squidward, are you sure we're doing this right? These running shoes are really hurting my ankles.
Squidward: Oh, you're absolutely doing it right. Try to pick up the pace, though.
Patrick: (Slices SpongeBob in half with his Ice Skates) Comin' through!
SpongeBob: (SpongeBob's two halves stand up and he hops to catch up to Patrick, two sharks walk by and notice the two)
Shark Son: I wanna play, daddy!
Shark Dad: No, son. We're sports "fans." We just watch. (He pulls up a chair and sits down, while his son wears a foam hand. SpongeBob and Patrick make it to the finish line)
Squidward: And...time. Let's see those ankles.
(SpongeBob and Patrick's Ice Skates explode to reveal their ankles are dangerously swollen)
Squidward: Gasp! Oh, yeah, those look bad. You both get—mm, 50 points. Why not?
Patrick: Hey, then we're still tied!

(Bubble transition, next scene, where we see a crowd walking behind SpongeBob's house to reveal a giant Sports stadium that inexplicably appeared.)

(We then get a close up of SpongeBob in a neutral pose for karate, using a tennis racket… wearing a… headband and a… baseball glove?)
(The shot moves to Patrick wearing pool noodles sitting atop an automatic ball feeder filled with footballs, which launch straight into SpongeBob's mouth)
(SpongeBob gives a thumbs up while choking, the newfound audience cheers, and the score on the scoreboard changes to 72-72)
(The shot moves to Patrick placing a golf peg down, followed by a bowling ball. Patrick tries to make a stroke, but as the ball is heavy, the club breaks and the head lands on SpongeBob's eyes. The scoreboard changes to 84-84)
(The shot changes to a beehive full of jellyfish, above which SpongeBob and Patrick are carrying random sports equipment like hikers on a high balance beam. The balance beam breaks in two, both fall, a pile of Bowling balls lands on them, and the Jellyfish go in formation to sting them. They run away screaming. The scoreboard changes to 90-90)

(Bubble transition, next scene, where we see Sandy using a magnifying glass to retrace her steps)

Sandy: Hm… Where is it?—Where is it?—Hm… (sees the box that SpongeBob opened earlier, still on the doorstep) A-ha! There's my box of sports gear! It must've fallen off the mail truck. (Lifts the empty box) But what happened to all the equipment? (Hears the scoreboard bell and the audience cheering, she goes to investigate) What was that? (Sees SpongeBob and Patrick fighting upside-down with boxing gloves on their feet) Huh? (Runs over to help them) SpongeBob? Patrick? What's going on?
SpongeBob: Oh hey— (kicks Patrick) Sandy. Patrick and I are— (roundhouse kicks Patrick) in the middle of a sports game. (Patrick bounces onto SpongeBob)
Sandy: This sure don't look like any sport I've seen before.
SpongeBob: I believe it's called kickboxing. (Patrick falls)
Sandy: Well, whatever it is, it seems to be causing you lots of pain.
Patrick: (Gets hit by SpongeBob) Ow! Sure is. (gets hit again) Ooh!
Sandy: Why not stop playing it if it hurts so bad?
Patrick: We can't stop… (panting) Until we break our tie.
Sandy: Says who?
(trumpeters play and fog steams beneath the bleachers)
Shark Son: It's the rule giver.
(The crowd murmurs as Larry and two other muscular fish carry Squidward, who's in a grim reaper outfit, onto the field. They set him down, crowd cheers)
Sandy: I ain't never heard of a rule giver.
Squidward: (Flips his hood to reveal a small crown) I prefer "King of Sports," but you can never tell what will catch on with the small folk.
Sandy: You're making up a game where SpongeBob and Patrick hurt themselves, and you won't let them stop?!
Squidward: I'm just giving the people what they want.
Sandy: That's pretty low, Squidward, even for you. I'm putting a stop to this. SpongeBob and Patrick have had enough!
(SpongeBob and Patrick are shown in a close-up to be brutally beaten up by Squidward's "games")
Squidward: See? They're fine. Let the games resume.
Sandy: (grumbles as the audience cheers) Oh, I don't think so. Y'all want to see a game? Fine! Squidward, I challenge you to a game—a game of basketball. (Spins three basketballs simultaneously) Winner decides the fate of SpongeBob and Patrick. (She throws a basketball at Squidward's face)
Squidward: Huh? (the crowd cheers) Me? Play? Sports? No, no. I'm mostly in an advisory position.
Random Fish: Aw, come on! We came to see some action! Play the squirrel! Play the squirrel!
Crowd: Play the squirrel! Play the squirrel!
Sandy: See you on the court, Your Highness. (Shoves Squidward's crown in his face)

(Bubble transition, next scene, where we see Sandy and Squidward on the Basketball court)

Sandy: (Wearing a purple outfit, dribbling a Basketball) Hey, Squidward, one more thing. We're playing San Antonio rules.
Squidward: San "A—what—io" rules?
Sandy" Check! (Checks the basketballl straight into Squidward's stomach. Sandy makes a leap onto Squidward, and then makes a slam dunk at the Basketball post. The crowd cheers)
Squidward: (Annoyed) Oh, that was a foul!
Sandy: (Burning Squidward) Tell it to yo' mama, Squidward!
Squidward: (Crying) Mama?
Squidward's Mother: (In the crowd, folding arms) Don't wanna hear it.
Sandy: Next round's soccer!
Squidward: What the what?
Sandy: Sure. Every time you score, you pick a new sport. I thought you knew all the rules, Squidward.
Squidward: (Stuttering) Well, uh, yeah, well, of course I do. Yeah.
Sandy: Good, then block this!
Squidward: (Noticesthe soccer net behind him) Block what?
Sandy: (She kicks the soccer ball and headbutts it into the soccer net. The ball bounces off the net and hits Squidward's head from behind. He pulls his head back up, the crowd cheers again)
Squidward: Oh, come on, I wasn't even ready!
Sandy: (Wearing shoulder gear) No time outs! Football round! (Hikes the football to the Football goal, Spins Squidward around it's post like a horseshoe, and slams the ball with her fuzzy tail through the goalpost and onto Squidward's face. The crowd cheers once more)
Squidward: (Panting) Just give me a second to— (interrupted by Sandy catching him with a jellyfish net, throwing him in a ball shape back into the soccer net and into the hole of a pool table. Squidward struggles to get out feet first) (Sandy polishes her pool stick and taps the remaining 8-Ball into Squidward's nose and into the hole. She takes out a platter and Squidward's eyes, nose, forehead and mouth fall onto it. We see a live-action close up of Squidward looking like calamari with eyes)

(Bubble transition, next scene, where we see the final Scoreboard between Sandy and Squidward reads "98-0")

Announcer: (Through the megaphones) And the winner is… Sandy Cheeks!!! (Crowd cheers a final time)
(Sandy is proud that she won the challange, while Squidward is crushed and in a full body cast)
Sandy: Good game Squidward! (Shakes his hand, which is completely broken)
Squidward: Ow—ow—ouch.
(SpongeBob and Patrick walk up to the two. SpongeBob is in several casts and bandages, while Patrick's severed head is on the wheelchair)
SpongeBob: Wow, Sandy! That was amazing!!!
Patrick: Yeah, I liked the part where you did that thing with the ball and stuff.
Sandy: (chuckles) Thanks, boys. Looks like we're all done here. That goes for you too. I'm ending your game.
Patrick: (gulps) But we're still tied.
Sandy: Don't worry, I'm declaring you both winners.
Both: Yeah! We're winners! We're winners! We're winners!
(Sandy, SpongeBob, and Patrick hug each other)
Sandy: Aww, don't worry, Squidward! (hugs Squidward) You're a winner too.
Squidward: I hate winning. (His head explodes) Ouch.
End