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The Original Fry Cook

Old Man Jenkins: (Ordering at the Krusty Krab.) I just can't decide what to order.
Squidward: You already ordered.
Old Man Jenkins: Don't rush me, young lady!
Squidward: Hurry up, SpongeBob! (Back in the kitchen, SpongeBob is filling in a ketchup heart on a Krabby Patty.) What is taking you so long?
SpongeBob: I'm adding the love!
Squidward: You're not getting paid to love.
SpongeBob: Well, I'm not here for the money. (Puts the top bun on and walks out. SpongeBob talks to the Krabby Patty on his way to the customer's table.) I'll always treasure these moments we had together.
Squidward: Look!!! (He points to outside, where a solid gold limosine pulls up to the Krusty Krab. Everyone gasps, then runs out to the limo, knocking over and walking over SpongeBob. When SpongeBob lifts his head, to his great disappointement, he sees his burger is trampled with a big footprint in the middle.) Awww...
Mr. Krabs: Well, I'll be cooked in butter! It's Jim: the Original Fry Cook! (Out of the limo steps a bald, overweight, blue fish wearing a fast food cap, and a yellow shirt. He walks into The Krusty Krab.)
Jim: Krabs!
SpongeBob: The Jim!?! He who flipped patties in the before times?
Mr. Krabs: You're doin' well, Jim. Is that limo solid gold?
Jim: It sure is. I was on my way to my solid gold mansion next to my solid gold lake, when I thought I'd take a trip down memory lane.
Squidward: Good ol' Jim! When you worked here, the place had class.
SpongeBob: Yeah. When this place had class...
(Flashback to the Krusty Krab in the old days, similar to a ballroom. Mr. Krabs, in 70's-style clothing dances around. Squidward, who used to have long blonde hair also does. Jim now has curly brown hair and a zit beneath his lip. He holds up a Krabby Patty, and Mr. Krabs & Squidward skip around him, throwing baskets of flowerpetals. End flashback, and the whole Krusty Krew is laughing, including SpongeBob. They stop and stare at him until he stops also.) Well, we've had some good times, too. Right, Squidward?
Squidward: No.
(Jim walks up to the "Employee of the Month" wall.)
Jim: Hey, that's new. "Employee of the Month", huh?
SpongeBob: That's me!
Mr. Krabs: Don't worry, Jim. No one could ever replace you. The original is still underneath! (He punches the wall and all of SpongeBob's pictures fall on him and break. Underneath is a giant photo of Jim.) Your "Best Employee Ever" award! SpongeBob! Sweep up this mess while Jim and I catch up.
SpongeBob: (Sad) Yes, sir.
(Mr. Krabs and Jim sit at a table and talk about their lives.)
Jim: After I left The Krusty Krab I worked at some of the finest restaurants around the world, and I got so successful that I was able to retire in luxury.
SpongeBob: Will you sign my Krabby Patty? (Shows him the smashed patty from earlier.)
Jim: Oh, I... Don't sign what I didn't make.
Mr. Krabs: Hey, bigshot! Why don't you stand behind the frier for old time's sake?
Jim: You're on, Krabs! But I'll have to charge you! (Mr. Krabs laughs hysterically while Jim grins and sips his soda.)
Mr. Krabs: Aye, you always knew how to make me laugh. You just don't find employees like that anymore.
SpongeBob: Yeah. Not unless you look RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU!!!
Mr. Krabs: (Gasps) You're right, boy. I appreciate you, Squidward! (We see Squidward walking by, a wet toilet plunger in hand.)
Squidward: Now I feel complete!
Mr. Krabs: So how's about that patty?
Jim: Everyone, watch and learn! (Everyone gathers at the kitchen doorway as Jim enters, but the door closes and Jim's bodyguards block it.)
Bodyguard #1: No one watches Jim. (Jim rings the bell and holds out a burger through the ordering window.)
Jim: One patty: the right way.
Mr. Krabs: It's a thing of beauty!
SpongeBob: What's so great about a Jim Patty anyways? (Takes a bite out of it.) Meh, it's OK.
(SpongeBob imagines himself as a Krabby Patty at night, floating around in the sky and riding down a rainbow into his own mouth.)
SpongeBob: Wow! That was... amazing! (SpongeBob walks up to Jim, who is at a table flirting with girls.) Uh, Mr. Jim, sir?
Jim: Oh, hey! You... You're the... Guy who sweeps up, right?
SpongeBob: I'm the new fry cook, sir.
Jim: Oh! You made that... stepped-on thing I saw earlier.
SpongeBob: Do you have any tips you can pass on to a rookie?
Jim: Besides don't step on the food?
SpongeBob: Please critique my work! I wish to learn at the feet of the master!
Jim: Now that's the way to grovel. I'll do it! (Cut to SpongeBob and Jim in the kitchen, training. SpongeBob hands a completed patty to Jim, and Jim weighs it. SpongeBob is very excited, until he follows Jim into the bathroom and watches him flush the patty down the toilet.)
Jim: The pickle slices were too thick.
(SpongeBob grills another one, and flips it into the air, and struggles to somehow make it levitate untill Jim says to stop.)
Jim: Hold it... Hold it... Hold it... And... stop.
(Later, as SpongeBob is finished crafting the Krabby Patty, Jim steps on it and lifts his foot, covered in mustard.)
Jim: Now, too much mustard, see?
(SpongeBob takes is finger and licks some off. Cut to SpongeBob making more patties, Jim taste-testing them, and then flushing them. Eventually, the toilet gets so full, that it backs up. SpongeBob runs out of the stall, crying. A fish approaching the stall sees this.)
Fish #1: Oh, man!
SpongeBob: Am I a fraud? (He cries, and Squidward knocks on the door.)
Squidward: SpongeBob, what are you doing in there?
SpongeBob: Crying my eyes out.
Squidward: Well, hurry it up. I gotta cry, too.
SpongeBob: Why, Squidward?
Squidward: Because when Jim leaves, I'll be stuck with you again!
SpongeBob: Jim won't be leaving, Squidward. He's taking my job. I'm the one who's leaving! (SpongeBob bursts into tears.)
Squidward: Really? (Mexican Feista music starts to play.) Yes! Ha, cha-cha! Ha, cha-cha! Ha, cha-cha! Whoo-hoo-hoo! Hee, hee, Ha! Ha! (SpongeBob walks into the bathroom and sits on a pile of waterlogged patties.)
SpongeBob: The Krusty Krab desreves better than my meager skills. I should be proffessional. I must... resign. (He clicks his spatula like a pen, and starts writing on a roll of toilet paper.) "Dear Mr. Krabs,"... (Later, he walks out of the bathroom to see a crowd towards the front of the Krusty Krab.)
Mr. Krabs: Three cheers for the world's greatest fry cook! SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: Huh? Me!?!
Mr. Krabs: Come here, help us cheer for Jim!
All: Hip, hip, Hooray! (SpongeBob walks into the kitchen and leaves the resignation notice under a patty bun on the grill with a flag in the top saying "Mr. Krabs" on it.)
SpongeBob: Goodbye, grill. Goodbye, pot. Goodbye, pan. So long, fry vats. Goodbye, grease stain. (Walks into the freezer.) Goodbye, frozen patty #1. Goodbye, frozen patty #2.
Narrator: 298 frozen patties later...
SpongeBob: Goodbye, freezer.
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob?
(SpongeBob hides in the freezer as Mr. Krabs walks in.) SpongeBob? (Smells something in the air.) That smells like a resignation note. (He reads it.) SpongeBob's resignation? Oh, this is terrible! No one's making patties! And that mean I'm not making money! (Jim walks in.)
Jim: Hey, Eugene, where's that little fry cook of yours?
Mr. Krabs: He's run off. He thinks you're taking his job!
Jim: Hey, that's a great idea! And you can give me a raise! (They laugh over their own little joke, and SpongeBob watches from the freezer window.)
SpongeBob: Look at them. I bet Mr. Krabs is offering Jim my job right now.
Mr. Krabs: Well, I better go find him.
SpongeBob: Don't worry, Mr. Krabs. I was just leaving. I'm not fit to inhabit the same kitchen as Jim. So it is with a heavy heart that I relinquish my duties as fry cook.
Jim: What're you thinking, SpongeBob? I'm not taking your job.
SpongeBob: But you're the greatest fry cook in the world! The Krusty Krab deserves better than me.
Jim: Both those statements are true, SpongeBob, but there's a reason I left the Krusty Krab. It all started on a warm summer evening. Business was slow, and Squidward and I were having one of our famous bull sessions. (Flashback to Jim and Squidward talking at the Krusty Krab.) We should open our own restaurant and stop lining Old Man K's pockets.
Squidward: No, thanks. I'm just doing this until my clarinet career takes off.
Jim: What if it never does? Don't you wanna have something to fall back on?
Squidward: Ha! Yeah! I could lose my beautiful, flowing hair, too, but I'm not buying a wig yet! (His hair falls out of his head instantly.)
Jim: Well, while you go wig shopping, I'm gonna go talk to Mr. Krabs. Hey, Mr. Krabs, gotta second?
Mr. Krabs: Anything for you, Jimmy, me boy. Have a squat and lay your wreck and tell me what's on your wind, Jim.
Jim: Cut the gas, Krabs, and dig this: I've been busting my cong for you. You'd better lay on some extra gravy, or I'm going to agitate the gravel.
Mr. Krabs: What now?
Jim: You know, lay a patch.
Mr. Krabs: 'Scuse me?
Jim: Give me a raise, or I'm quitting.
Mr. Krabs: That's not in my "Hiptionary". Help me get with it, Jack.
Jim: Stop talking like that.
Mr. Krabs: These sideburns aren't real. (Mr. Krabs rips them off.) Jim: I need more money in my paycheck at the end of every week, kapeish? (Mr. Krabs starts laughing uncontrollably. When he doesn't stop, Jim leaves, not stopping to listen to Squidward's complaints about his hair. End flashback, and we are back to the modern-day Krusty Krab, where Krabs is still laughing.)
Mr. Krabs: Ah, it's still as funny today as it was then.
(We see Squidward crying over his bald head.)
Mr. Krabs: You see, SpongeBob, you have one quality that Jim would never have: he's cheap!
SpongeBob: Wow! I never thought about it like that, Mr. Krabs!
Mr. Krabs: So, you'll stay?
SpongeBob: Aye, aye, sir.
Jim: Well, Eugene, looks like you've got yourself another sucker. The kid's a good fry cook, but he'll only be a great fry cook when he gets the guts to quit this dump. Good luck, SpongeBob. You'll need it. (Leaves)
SpongeBob: The Krusty Krab isn't a dump.
Mr. Krabs: Oh, she's a dump, alright. But she's my dump.
SpongeBob: Oh.
End