Back

Plankton's Army

(The episode opens at the Krusty Krab.)
Narrator: Ah, the Krusty Krab. Home of the delicious Krabby Patty. And its super-secret recipe.
(Mr. Krabs scuttles into the dining area in front of the ordering boat.)
Mr. Krabs: Attention, Krusty Krab Krew! All hands report immediately!
(SpongeBob runs in from the kitchen.)
SpongeBob: Fry cook SpongeBob reporting, sir!
(Squidward rises from the ordering boat and yawns.)
Squidward: What's all the yelling about?
Mr. Krabs: Today is the 25th anniversary of the first time me arch-enemy Plankton ever tried to steal me secret Krabby Patty formula.
(We see a flashback of the time Krabs speaks of. Plankton and Krabs sit at a table in the restaurant.)
Plankton: Can I have the secret formula?
Mr. Krabs: No.
Plankton: OK.
(Sulks away.)
Mr. Krabs: (Voice-over.) But he was persistent!
(Plankton dashes back over.)
Plankton: Pretty please?
Mr. Krabs: Uh-uh. (Voice-over) He used disguise...
(We see Plankton holding a something behind his back and pulls it over himself to appear to become a cockroach. He cackles just before Krabs squishes him with his foot.)
Mr. Krabs: (Voice-over) ...Super science...
(Plankton drinks a pink formula and becomes a cockroach again before laughing and being stomped on by Krabs.)
Mr. Krabs: (Voice-over) ...Civil disobedience...
(Plankton is marching around the Krusty Krab door, displaying a picket sign that says "I am not a roach." Krabs squashes him once more. Cut back to the Krusty Krab.)
Mr. Krabs: ...And I always came out on top!
Squidward: Fascinating.
Mr. Krabs: But thousands of failures have made him crafty, so keep your eyes open!
(Krabs' eyes bug out, and he shifts them in all directions.)
Mr. Krabs: You'll never know what trick he'll use to steal me secret Krabby Patty formula.
(As he says this, a robot with a tie on walks into the Krusty Krab.)
Robot: What a quaint restaurant. I think I will sample their wares.
SpongeBob: Ooh, how weird! A machine made to look like a customer.
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, why don't you go hose out the men's room?
SpongeBob: With pleasure, sir!
(Dashes off. Mr. Krabs shoves Squidward aside and takes his place at the cash register.)
Mr. Krabs: I'll take this one. (To robot) Welcome to the Krusty Krab, sir. May I help you?
Robot: Yes, please. I'd like an order of chili coral bits.
(Mr. Krabs looks surprised.)
Mr. Krabs: You sure you don't want a Krabby Patty?
Robot: No, thank you.
(Presents Mr. Krabs with a dollar.)
Robot: Will this cover it?
Mr. Krabs: Uhh... sure.
(He exchanges the dollar with a paper bag.)
Mr. Krabs: Here you go.
(The robot takes the bag and walks toward the door. Without stopping, it zaps the door and melts it to make its exit.)
Robot: Good day.
Mr. Krabs: Hmm... I was sure it was one of Plankton's tricks. Well, at least his money's good.
(He laughs. The bill turns out to be mechanical, too, and a hatch opens in it and Plankton hops out of it.)
Plankton: Aha!
Mr. Krabs: Plankton! You knew I would never distrust a dollar!
Plankton: That's right, Krabs. Now hand over the secret Krabby Patty formula!
Mr. Krabs: Or what?
Plankton: ...I don't know. I never thought I'd get this far.
Mr. Krabs: Well then, allow me to suggest your next move.
(Plankton is flushes down the toilet and is shot through the drain pipes.)
Plankton: Curse you, Kraaaabs!!!
(Plankton floats away.)
Mr. Krabs: And now for the chaser!
(We see a manhole on the street the Krusty Krab and Chum Bucket meet on. Plankton pops up out a hole and breathes heavily. He jumps out.)
Plankton: You just wait, Krabs! Next time I'll... Oh, who am I kidding? At least I can go home to a wife who understands.
(Plankton strolls to inside the Chum Bucket with a heavy heart.)
Karen: So? Tell me what happened.
Plankton: I don't want to talk about it.
(He sits down at a miniature desk and turns in his chair.)
Karen: Talking will make you feel better.
Plankton: Leave me alone.
Karen: That's your problem. You never let anyone in. Plankton the rock, Plankton the loner...
Plankton: And she's off again.
Karen: ...And that's why everything you try ends up like this....
(Karen's screen shows Plankton next to a lever laughing, but Mr. Krabs squishes him.)
Karen: ...And like this...
(Karen's screen shows Plankton under a bath duck laughing. Krabs squishes him again.)
Karen: ...And more recently, like this.
(Karen's screen shows a toilet with a flushing noise. Plankton's lip trembles. He cries.)
Plankton: I'm a failure!
Karen: It's not that bad! You just require a little help. Maybe some henchmen...
Plankton: Henchmen?
Karen: Yes, what you need to do is surround yourself with muscular tough guys who'll do whatever you say.
Plankton: I like the sound of that. I'll canvas all the seediest lowbrow dives in town to find my minions. And I know just how to speak their language!
(Cut to a nightclub with buff fish playing pool. Plankton walks in.)
Plankton: Felicitations, malefactors! I am endeavoring to misappropriate the formulary for the preparation of affordable comestibles! Who will join me!?!
(Cut to Plankton bandaged and sitting in a wheelchair inside the Chum Bucket.)
Plankton: I don't get it. No matter what I do, I always end up being squashed by someone bigger than me.
Karen: Oh, come on. I think you're overreacting.
(Karen shoots out a mechanical hand to comfort Plankton. But as it pats him, he is crushed.)
Karen: Oops... Sorry.
Plankton: That's okay. I'm no different than the millions of other Plankton in the sea.
(Plankton reassembles himself by posting his eye back on, clipping an arm back into its socket, and putting his legs in. His legs are labeled so that he knows which one is which.)
Plankton: The Plankton family has always been pushed around and stepped on. Wait! That's it! Acting alone, we're powerless, but united, the Plankton family could be a real pain in the fanny!
(He appears with a phone book and, unable to carry it far, slams it open on the ground.)
Plankton: Krabs may think one Plankton is no problem, but let's see him take on two, or ten, or a hundred, or a thousand!!!
(Cut to Plankton jumping on buttons to dial a number on the phone, and running from the speaker to the reciever and cupping his hands over his ear to hear better.)
Plankton: (Voice-over) And why stop there? I'll gather every family member from every corner of the ocean!
(He then writes a letter that so far says "Dear Plankton, How are you? I am fine." To seal the envelope, he runs across the adhesive, his tongue dragging behind him. In a miniature airplane, he skywrites "Calling All Plankton!", but a fish reading the newspaper next to him sneezes and the clouds disappear. We then see a thought cloud above Plankton that shows family members like scientists, robots, boxers, firefighters, Jedi, magicians, and more.)
Plankton: (Voice-over) The entire Plankton family under one roof! Krabs won't stand a chance against the staggering intellect of a million super-smart criminal masterminds!
(Cut back to Plankton at the Chum Bucket when the doorbell rings.)
Plankton: THEY'RE HERE!!! Welcome, brethren!
(He opens the door and his smile turns to a shocked expression when he sees a giant crowd of hick plankton playing the banjo and dancing.)
Hillbilly Plankton #1: Hey, look everybody! It's cousin Plankton!
All: YEE-HAW!
Plankton: I've been away from home longer than I thought.
(The hillbilly leader runs up and shakes Plankton's hand.)
Hillbilly Plankton #1: Well, howdy, cousin!
(Plankton glances at his hand, which is dripping with sludge from the handshake.)
Plankton: Uh...
(Plankton wipes his hand off on his back.)
Hillbilly Plankton #1: It's me, Clem. 'A course you remember Zeke, Rufus, Jeke, Billy Bob, Billy Jim, Billy Billy Bo Willy Banana Fana Fo Filly, Toad, Enis...
(Clem goes on and on introducing the family, and Plankton is irritated and tired.)
Plankton: ALL RIGHT! I GET IT! I mean, uh, come inside. Make yourself at home.
(Cut to inside the Chum Bucket, where Plankton's family is staring at Karen.)
Plankton: I'd like you all to meet my computer wife, Karen.
(There is excited chattering and whistling from the crowd.)
Clem: Golly, she sure is purdy, Sheldon.
Karen: Sheldon!?!
Plankton: Yes, that's my first name.
(Karen cracks up and giggles, unable to contain herself. Plankton becomes angry.)
Karen: Sheldon?
Plankton: Will you please-!?!
(Karen keeps laughing.)
Karen: Sorry!
Plankton: All right, as I was saying...
(Karen is still laughing.)
Plankton: Okay, we all know Sheldon's a funny name.
Karen: OK, OK. I'm done. No more.
Plankton: Good. Now, to continue...
(Karen pulls down a screen behind Plankton. "SHELDON" appears on the screen.)
Plankton: Only you can bring honor...
(The family laughs, but when Plankton turns around, the screen is blank.)
Plankton: ...And dignity...
("SHELDON" reappears with a finger pointing at Plankton. The family laughs, and Plankton turns to look at the screen. It is blank again.)
Plankton: ...back to the Plankton name.
(Yet another "SHELDON" sign appears in flashing lights with an arrow pointing at Plankton. When he turns and sees it blank, he gets irritated even more. When the next "SHELDON" sign appears, he pretends to ignote it.)
Plankton: For years, it has been my goal to acquire the secret formula for...
(Plankton turns around and catches Karen in the act.)
Plankton: Aha!
(He unplugs Karen.)
Plankton: OK, THAT'S ENOUGH!!!
Karen: SHEEeeeelllldooonnnnnn...
(Karen shuts off. Plankton runs in front of Karen's screen and eyeryone's eye turns to him.)
Plankton: Bottom line: we invade the Krusty Krab so I can steal the secret formula. What do you think?
Hillbilly Plankton #2: But what's in it for us?
Plankton: Well, what do you want?
Hillbilly Plankton #3: Garsh! Can I get a new string for my banjo?
(He holds up a banjo with a broken string.)
Hillbilly Plankton #4: And another boot to match this'n?
(He holds up one bootless foot. Another Plankton in overalls and a baseball cap and a long, tan beard holds up a laptop computer.)
Hillbilly Plankton #5: And some more memory! For my laptop!
Clem: And what about root beer?
All: ROOT BEER!!!
(The audience cheers, and Plankton gets an idea.)
Plankton: Help me get the secret formula and you can have as much root beer as you can drink!
(We see a sea of plankton, and Sheldon Plankton emerges in front of them.)
Plankton: Victory, thy name is Plankton!
(Plankton turns around to reveal a note reading "Sheldon" is taped to his back. Later, at the Krusty Krab, Mr. Krabs leans against the ordering boat with Squidward inside.)
Mr. Krabs: Well, Mr. Squidward, it's almost closing time, and we haven't seen eye or antennae of ol' Plankton for hours. Yes, sir, I think this time, he's finally given up for...
Plankton: Attention Krusty Krab management! This is your better speaking.
Mr. Krabs: What?
(We see Plankton shouting through a megaphone outside the Krusty Krab.)
Plankton: I have the restaurant surrounded! Give me the secret formula or I'll destroy the Krusty Krab!
(Mr. Krabs and Squidward walk outside to Plankton.)
Mr. Krabs: Eh, you and what army, bug?
Plankton: What army? What army!?! Look around you, Krabs!
(The screen pans out to show the Krusty Krab surrounded by what looks like a fuzzy green fungus.)
Mr. Krabs: You planted grass?
Plankton: GRASS!?!
(He and his family laugh.)
Mr. Krabs: Uh-oh.
(Mr. Krabs and Squidward sre chased back into the restaurant by the plankton. We see a headshot of Mr. Krabs.)
Mr. Krabs: You'll never get away with it, Plankton.
(Mr. Krabs is elbow-deep in the toilet. The Plankton surround him.)
Plankton: You're right. The pipes are much too narrow. Besides, what I really want is the Krabby Patty formula.
Mr. Krabs: Well, you might as well forget it. The formula is locked away in me safe, and I'll never give ya the combination.
(He laughs.)
Plankton: Silence!
(He jumps on the toilet lever, which flushes. Krabs spins around in circles, and has his eyestalks tied and his tongue hanging over the seat when the spinning stops.)
Plankton: I think you'll find we're more than capable of figuring it out for ourselves. Oh, boys?
(He snaps his fingers, causing his family to form into a hand and an ear. The hand dials the combination, while the ear listens to the tumblers.)
Plankton: That's it, a little to the left...
Mr. Krabs: Curse you Plankton, and your ability to join together to form a working human ear!
(The family cracks the code and ties thread to the handle to open the safe. Inside, a wooden boardwalk-like staircase leads to a podium. On the podium is the Krusty Krab Secret Formula recipe book in a bottle.)
Plankton: Hot dog! Yes. It's mine! The formula's mine! After all these years, it's finally mine!
(He uses a bottle-opener to pull out the cork. He smells it and pulls the formula book out of the bottle.)
Plankton: Let it be known that on this day, I, Sheldon J. Plankton, single-handedly overthrew the Krusty Krab!
All: AHEM.
Plankton: Eh, and, of course, I had a little help from the family.
(He goes back to the toilet and Krabs.)
Mr. Krabs: Plankton, wait. You can't look at the formula.
Plankton: Begging won't help.
Mr. Krabs: I'm telling you, you won't be able to handle the truth. There are some things in this world that weren't meant for mortal eyes.
Plankton: Eye.
Mr. Krabs: Eye.
Plankton: Eye don't care. Drum roll please!
(He beats on a drum and sits on Mr. Krabs' desk to read the book.)
Plankton: Finally, after all these years, I'm about to find out what makes a Krabby Patty taste so good! The secret recipe for one Krabby Patty is... A pinch of salt...
Mr. Krabs: Plankton! Wait!
(Plankton turns the page.)
Plankton: Three teaspoons of chopped onions...
Mr. Krabs: I'm warnin' ya!
(Plankton the page again.)
Plankton: A cup of love...
Mr. Krabs: Don't do it!
Plankton: ...mixed together with the most important ingredient of all... four heaping pounds of freshly ground...
(Turns the page to see the number 4, some text, and a picture of himself next to it.)
Plankton: Plankton!?!
(He stares in disbelief at it, then at Krabs.)
Mr. Krabs: I warned ya.
(Plankton runs out of the restaurant screaming to the Chum Bucket. Back at the Krusty Krab, the book slams onto the ground and the family reads the recipe and gasps. They all run screaming while Krabs laughs. But one stays behind.)
Mr. Krabs: Hey, why ain't you running?
Hillbilly Plankton #6: Well, I can't read.
Mr. Krabs: Get out of here!
Hillbilly Plankton #6: Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!
(The plankton runs away and Krabs hops out of the toilet. Then, Squidward does, previously under Krabs. Then, SpongeBob comes back from cleaning the restrooms.)
SpongeBob: Hey, guys. Did I miss anything?
(Squidward picks up the formula book.)
Squidward: Mr. Krabs, is this really the secret ingredient for the Krabby Patty?
Mr. Krabs: Of course not! And Plankton will probably figure that out and be back again to find out what the real formula is. But don't worry, boys, the formula's safe from harm. I got it hidden in me most secret hiding place, a place no one, not even Plankton, would ever figure out.
(Mr. Krabs laughs and hops up and down with glee.)
Squidward: Lemme guess. It's at home, under your mattress.
(Mr. Krabs gasps and runs to his anchor house, screaming.)
Mr. Krabs: Curse you, Squidwaaaard!!!
End