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No Free Rides

(The episode opens at Mrs. Puff's Boating School, where SpongeBob is in the process of failing his driving test by crashing into things.)
Narrator: Here we are again at the Bikini Bottom Boating School. Today is once again the day of SpongeBob's boating school exam. But more
importantly, this is the last test for the year,and if SpongeBob does not pass this one...
(SpongeBob drives towards us, the narrator's panic rising in his voice.)
Narrator: ...It means another whole year of boating school!
(The camera goes dead and we see SpongeBob and Mrs. Puff in a boat in front of a moaning narrator, who's off-screen except for his feet and camera.
He's wearing scuba gear.)
SpongeBob: Wha' 'appened?
Mrs. Puff: Oh, nothing, SpongeBob. You just struck another pedestrian.
(She etches something in her clipboard.)
Mrs. Puff: Minus 20 more points.
SpongeBob: How many does that leave me with?
Mrs. Puff: Negative 224.
SpongeBob: How many more minutes left in the test?
Mrs. Puff: The test is over.
SpongeBob: That's enough time; I can make up those points!
Mrs. Puff: No, SpongeBob! You didn't hear me!!!
(SpongeBob shifts into reverse, knocking over traffic cones, driving through a brick wall and crashing on top of another boat near the
schoolhouse.)
SpongeBob: OK, Mrs. Puff! What's my final score?
(Mrs. Puff glances at her clipboard.)
Mrs. Puff: Six...
SpongeBob: Whoo! And how many do I need to pass?
Mrs. Puff: Six...
(SpongeBob does "The Wave".)
SpongeBob: Oooooooooo...
Mrs. Puff: ...Hundred.
SpongeBob: What?
Mrs. Puff: 600. You need 600 to pass. You got 6.
SpongeBob: Don't worry. I'll be alright, Mrs. Puff. Besides, this means that I get to be in your class for a whole 'nother year!!!
(He slams his fist down excitedly on a bent piece of the hood, causing a muffler to fly into the air.)
SpongeBob: Well, see you next Tuesday!
(SpongeBob walks away and the muffler hits Mrs. Puff, causing her to inflate. Meanwhile, SpongeBob is by his unicycle outside.)
SpongeBob: Yeah!
(He starts singing a little jingle.)
SpongeBob: I'm gonna get my driver's license! And it's only gonna take one more year! One more year! One more superduper year! One more
super-spectacular, extra-imagical, extra-fantastical year!
(SpongeBob goes in circles on his unicycle excitedly. Mrs. Puff watches, sweating.)
Mrs. Puff: (In her head.) Oh, Neptune. Another year with him! Barnacles! Dirty barnacles! I've got to do something to save myself. Oh,
there's only one way out: the teacher's ace in the hole! (Aloud, exhaling to her normal size.) Extra crediiit!!!
SpongeBob: What was that, Mrs. Puff?
(Mrs. Puff shakes SpongeBob excitedly, pinching his cheeks.)
Mrs. Puff: Extra credit, SpongeBob! The extra credit! I still have a chance! I mean, you still have a chance.
SpongeBob: (Through his pinched cheeks) What's extra credit?
Mrs. Puff: It's when you get credit for the things you weren't able to do before.
(SpongeBob sings a weird note. Cut to him at a seashell desk in Mrs. Puff's schoolhouse.)
Mrs. Puff: Now, are we ready for that extra credit?
SpongeBob: (Like a robot.) Extra credit!
Mrs. Puff: That's the spirit. So all you have to do to earn your extra credit and pass my class, and never have to go anywhere near
this school again!!! ...Is to write a 10-word sentence on what you've learned in boating school.
SpongeBob: But I've learned so many things.
Mrs. Puff: Just pick one; I don't care which. Here, I'll help you get started. "What I learned in boating school is..." There! That's already
7 words! Only 3 more!
(SpongeBob is still writing.)
SpongeBob: L... e... a... r...
(His pencil tip breaks.)
SpongeBob: D'oh, barnacles!
Mrs. Puff: What's wrong?
SpongeBob: Gotta sharpen my pencil.
(SpongeBob whistles and he walks to the pencil sharpener on Mrs. Puff's desk and takes forever sharpening his pencil. Then, SpongeBob walks back to
his desk and continues writing.)
SpongeBob: N... e...
(*Snap!* SpongeBob walks up to the sharpener again, but Mrs. Puff takes the pencil and exchanges it for a pen.)
Mrs. Puff: Give me that! Here's a pen.
SpongeBob: A pen-- One of the most permanent of all writing utensils.
(He walks back to desk and sings.)
SpongeBob: "Gonna write an essay!", That's what I say!
(SpongeBob writes a few more words.)
SpongeBob: There.
Mrs. Puff: Fantastic! Let me see it.
SpongeBob: No, wait! I changed my mind!
(He scribbles out a scrawling and writes something else.)
Mrs. Puff: I'm sure whatever you've written is fine! Just let me see!
(Sponge covers up his paper.)
SpongeBob: Don't look! It's not ready.
Mrs. Puff: It's so simple! Only 10 words! "What I learned in boating school is..." Blankity, blankity, blank!
SpongeBob: I can do this! I can do this!
Mrs. Puff: What I learned in boating school is... What I learned in boating school is...
SpongeBob: I can do this! I can do this! Is it hot in here, Mrs. Puff? Why is it so hot in here?
(His hand shoots back and grabs his other hand.)
SpongeBob: Aah! My hand is cramping, Mrs. Puff! Make it stop!
(Mrs. Puff forces SpongeBob's hand to write.)
Mrs. Puff: You only need three more words!!!
(The desk collapses and Mrs. Puff grabs part of the essay. But SpongeBob won't let go.)
Mrs. Puff: OK, let me see what you've written.
SpongeBob: It's not ready yet.
Mrs. Puff: It's OK, SpongeBob. Show the teacher what you've written.
SpongeBob: No!
Mrs. Puff: Give it to me!
(The two tug onto the paper.)
SpongeBob: No!
Mrs. Puff: Let me see it!
SpongeBob: N-
(The page rips in half. Both SpongeBob and Mrs. Puff sit there looking at it, and then Mrs. Puff grabs Sponge's half and reads it.)
Mrs. Puff: "What I learned in boating school is..."
(On the paper, it says that, and also the words "How", "School" & "Drive" are there, but crossed off. Then, there's a picture of SpongeBob, a boat
& a jellyfish.)
Mrs. Puff: Well... The rest doesn't matter!
(She tosses the paper onto the floor.)
Mrs. Puff: You've passed!
(Laughs in triumph.)
Mrs. Puff: You've passed!
SpongeBob: Mrs. Puff, I don't feel like I really did anything.
Mrs. Puff: That's how extra credit is supposed to feel.
SpongeBob: Really?
Mrs. Puff: Besides, here's your license.
(She hands a plastic driver's license card to SpongeBob. It has all his personal information on it. I.E. His birthday- July 14, 1986, his hair color-
yellow, etc.)
SpongeBob: My license!
(He licks it.)
SpongeBob: It tastes just like I dreamt it would. Mrs. Puff, I-!
Mrs. Puff: Thank you, SpongeBob. Congratulations!
(Mrs. Puff watches SpongeBob leave at the doorway.)
SpongeBob: Look out, Bikini Bottom! There's a new driver on the road, and his name is SpongeBob SquarePants!
("SpongeBob SquarePants" reverberates in Mrs. Puff's head. She imagines SpongeBob driving terribly, but singing happily. He knock a bus down,
causing it to fall on a fish.)
Fish #1: Ow.
(We then see people at a park picnic table with a cake.)
Fish #2: Hey!
Fish #3: Happy Birthday!
Fish #4: Happy Birthday!
(SpongeBob's boat starts rattling as if going over speed bumps. We hear cries of pain and agony. Cut to Realistic Fish Head in front of Bikini
Bottom, which is on fire.)
Realistic Fish Head: So much destruction. This reporter asks, "Why?".
(We see a picture of Mrs. Puff appear in the corner of the screen.)
Realistic Fish Head: Local consensus places blame on this negligent, selfish driving instructor, who...
(SpongeBob drives by, singing and knocking Realistic Fish Head over. He comes back up with tattered anchor man clothes and frizzy hair.)
Realistic Fish Head: Let's not use that take.
(End of daydream.)
Mrs. Puff: That's preposterous. He did the extra credit. There's no need to worry. He doesn't even have a boat to drive.
(Cut to Mrs. Puff walking to her house- shaped like a muffler, but is pink and is surrounded by flowers.)
Mrs. Puff: Now to go home and have the rest of that pasta.
(She walks into her house's pink living room and turns on the light at the doorway. SpongeBob and his parents pop out from behind a giant cake
reading, "Thank You, Mrs. Puff!" in icing.)
The SquarePants Family: Surprise!
SpongeBob: ...To the greatest teacher ever!
Mr. SquarePants: Thank you, Mrs. Puff! I know I speak for everyone when I say we consider you a member of the SquarePants family.
(He kisses her hand and doesn't stop. While he does this, a picture next to the doorway is visible of a picture of Mrs. Puff at her doorway. In the
picture is another picture like that and it keeps going on. So does Mr. SquarePants' kissing.)
Mrs. SquarePants: I think you've made your point, dear.
(Mr. SquarePants reddens and walks back to the others, holding SpongeBob's head when he refers to him.)
Mr. SquarePants: Mrs. Puff, we were starting to think SpongeBob would never get his driver's license.
(He puts his arm around his son and points to Mrs. Puff.)
Mr. SquarePants: But you never gave up on him, you never quit. You never took the easy way out.
Mrs. Puff: Well, I... OK.
Mrs. SquarePants: Well, we wanted to make sure Mrs. Puff, the greatest driving teacher in the world, was here to see this.
Mrs. Puff: See what?
(Mr. SquarePants takes off a sheet over an old-fashioned boatmobile for SpongeBob.)
Mr. SquarePants: Ta-da!
(He reads the license plate.)
Mr. SquarePants: "IM RDY"!
SpongeBob & Mrs. Puff: A brand new boatmobile!?!
SpongeBob: For me? Ohh...
(He faints and falls through the cake, leaving a square hole in it. Cut to SpongeBob's parents driving SpongeBob home in the new boat.)
Mrs. SquarePants: Don't worry, Mrs. Puff! He'll be driving by tomorrow! Toodle-oo!
(The 3 drive off and Mrs. Puff waves nervously.)
Mrs. Puff: What have I done? Everyone will know I let him slide through school. I'll have to move to a new city, start a new boating school
under a new name! ...No. Not again. I've got to end this thing before it begins.
(Meanwhile, SpongeBob is in bed at his pineapple. The torches on his headboard bedpost are lit, and it is otherwise dark. He has a bandaged
head and his parents are tucking him in.)
Mr. SquarePants: You took quite a buster there, son.
(SpongeBob sits up in bed, stretching his arms forward.)
SpongeBob: What I learned in boating school today is-!!!
Mr. SquarePants: We're going to have to hold off on the driving there for a while, Son.
Mrs. SquarePants: That's right, Honey. Just stay in bed. And no going near the boat.
(His parents leave. SpongeBob pretends to sleep and cracks his eyes open just a bit to see if it's safe before sliding out the window, down the house
and to the boat.)
SpongeBob: Hi, Boaty.
(He pats Boaty and gasps.)
SpongeBob: Boaty, you're cold!
(He sets his socks on the side of the door.)
SpongeBob: Take my socks.
(He jumps on top of his socks.)
SpongeBob: Oh, Boaty, I'm always going to take care of you. You're the best boat in the deep blue sea!
(He kisses the shift stick and sighs. As he falls asleep, we see a round figure black ski mask. She runs into the light and we see that it's Mrs.
Puff. Making sure the coast is clear, she jumps into the boat.)
Mrs. Puff: I hope I still remember how to do this.
(Makes a balloon animal and throws it into the backseat.)
Mrs. Puff: (Chortling) Yeah...
(She drives away atop SpongeBob, who's asleep. When he wakes up, he sees the night sky moving.)
SpongeBob: Hey, I'm driving!
(SpongeBob & Mrs. Puff see each other and scream, SpongeBob's pores turning inside-out. SpongeBob jumps up and points at Mrs. Puff.)
SpongeBob: Who are you and what are you doing with my boat? And why are you wearing that ski mask? Because you're not skiing!
(He gasps and covers his mouth with his hands.)
SpongeBob: Oh my gosh, I know who you are!
Mrs. Puff: No, you don't! You don't know who I am!
SpongeBob: Yes, I do! I know that you're... A boat-jacker! I never thought I'd have to use this pepperspray.
(He accidentally sprays his eyes with pepper spray, screaming.)
SpongeBob: Somebody help me! Somebody help me!
(Mrs. Puff boots SpongeBob out of the boat.)
Mrs. Puff: Sorry, SpongeBob. But it was for your own good.
(SpongeBob runs up to the boat and Mrs. Puff is surprised until we see from a different angle he's on his unicycle.)
SpongeBob: Give me back my boat!
(SpongeBob slams his hand on the windshield. Somehow, it sticks, so he does the same with the other one, climbing off his unicycle and flying over
the boat. His nose wiggles in the breeze.)
SpongeBob: You'd better stop this boat!
(Mrs. Puff tries to get him off, but cannot. So she slams the brakes and SpongeBob falls behind the boat, where he runs after Mrs. Puff with his hands
still on the windshield.)
SpongeBob: I'm... Not... Letting... Go! Nothing will stop me! Not even...
(He gasps when he sees a sign. He reads it.)
SpongeBob: "Giant Clams"?
(SpongeBob goes straight through the field, where the clams chomp on him and bite him.)
SpongeBob: I'm... Not... Letting... Go! Not even for...
(He gasps when he sees another sign. He reads it.)
SpongeBob: "Cheese Graters"?
(SpongeBob is dragged through cheese graters and emerges as just two arms and some small strings.)
SpongeBob: If you think I'll let go just for a little...
(SpongeBob sees the worst and most torturous sign yet...)
SpongeBob: "Educational Television"!?! Oh, no!!!
(Mrs. Puff looks back while driving.)
Mrs. Puff: Looks like that got rid of him. Now for some tunes.
(She turns on the radio.)
Radio: And now back to K.R.U.D. with all of your personal "you won't get away with stealing my car!" hits.
(Mrs. Puff screams as SpongeBob pops out of the radio. The car loses control as they beat each other up. From behind a billboard that has a Mexican
fish and says "Accident?", two officers watch in their boatmobile what SpongeBob & Mrs. Puff are doing. One eats a donut and drinks from his
"SuperCop" mug.)
Policefish: Hey, look.
(The boat flies off a cliff and towards the police boat.)
SpongeBob: I'd never let you have this boat! Not even if you were...
(He rips off the ski mask revealing...)
SpongeBob: ...Mrs. Puff!?!
(SpongeBob flaps his lips in front of a spiral background. Then, the boat flies behind the billboard and the front nose smashes into the police
vehicle's front nose so that the top of SpongeBob's car is level with the cop's windshield. Then, the police siren goes off. Cut to SpongeBob and
Mrs. Puff on the phone.)
SpongeBob: So, how's it going, Mrs. Puff?
Mrs. Puff: Uhh, SpongeBob? I'd like to... Apologize. I never should have passed you. You really weren't ready.
SpongeBob: So, I guess I have to got to give my license back, huh?
Mrs. Puff: I hear Mrs. Flounder is starting a new class Monday morning.
SpongeBob: You kidding? You're the only teacher for this student.
(We see Mrs. Puff is in prison and SpongeBob is calling her through the visitor window.)
SpongeBob: And besides, the warden said she'll let you go early, if you do her a favor.
Mrs. Puff: What's that?
SpongeBob: Free driving lessons!
(He laughs.)
End