Back

A Friendly Game

(SpongeBob's foghorn goes off, waking him and Squidward up. Squidward's house plugs its ears. SpongeBob comes out of his house wearing plaid and carrying a golf club)
SpongeBob: Patrick! Tee time, Patrick! Patrick! (cut to Squidward) Tee time, Patrick! (cut to Patrick's rock) Patrick, wake up.
Patrick: (laughs) Ready to lose? Weather permitting, of course. (it starts to rain, thunder, and lightning)
SpongeBob: Aw,how are we supposed to golf in this downpour? Our putters are getting waterlogged. (twists putter to wring out the water)
Patrick: Dumb rain. Doesn't it know I'm the sheriff in these parts? (points at the storm with his golf club) Hey, rain! You'd better stop that! (gets struck by lightning a long time, screams, and crumbles into pieces. Squidward opens up his window)
Squidward: If you two don't mind, could you keep it down to a low rumble?
SpongeBob & Patrick: Sorry, Squidward.
SpongeBob: I guess we were just so upset about the rain and how...
Squidward: Don't care. (closes window. Cut to inside SpongeBob's kitchen)
SpongeBob: (sighs) I was really looking forward to a day of sportsmanship and male bonding. Thanks a lot, rain. (slams fists on the table and sends his golf ball ricocheting off a wall then Gary and into Gary's bowl) Say, that gives me an idea.
Narrator: What follows is a brief construction montage. (SpongeBob nails, Patrick rips the chair apart, SpongeBob jackhammers, Patrick pours sand, SPongeBob drills in the floor, Patrick fills a hole with water from the hose, SpongeBob uses a sledgehammer to make a hole in the wall then takes Gary's shell off of him)
Narrator: We hope you enjoyed this brief construction montage. (cut to outside of house where you can still hear hammering and drilling sounds)
Squidward: (gets so mad that he burns through his sleep mask. Then he puts three pillows on top of his face and ties it around his head but can still hear the noises and screams. Walks over to SpongeBob's house where SpongeBob and Patrick are hammering in a wooden stake) Hey. Hello? Nitwit morons. (Patrick hits Squidward's foot with a hammer, causing him to scream)
SpongeBob: Oh, hi, Squidward. Up from your slumber, I see. Well, you're just in time to indulge in a friendly game of indoor miniature golf. (shows the entire course)
Squidward: I will not indulge in anything friendly or otherwise with the likes of you two. And presently, I am heading to enjoy a well-deserved mid-morning nap.
Patrick: But we sculpted your likeness out of butter on hole five. (cut to sculpture and then back to Squidward)
Squidward: I don't care. (grabs them both by their ears) Listen up. I will not be woken from my nap again. And if I am, I'm gonna...
Patrick: Join us on the back nine?
Squidward: Just don't let it happen again, or else. (exits)
SpongeBob: Let's get this game teed off. (squeezes two golf balls from his forehead, one red and the other blue. Puts the blue ball on the green tee) You're up first, my good man.
Squidward: I am warning you two, keep it down!
SpongeBob: Better tone down the calisthenics, Patrick. Don't wanna upset Squidward.
Patrick: Can't wait to lose,huh? (putts the ball down the course, in and out of the hole, and back to the tee) No! Ooh, if you would just let me finish my stretches, I wouldn't have missed my first shot.
SpongeBob: Oh, don't worry, Patrick, I'm sure you'll get the hang of it. (places the red ball on the tee) Besides, we're just playing for fun, right? And back, and... (putts and makes it in)
Patrick: Nice shot. (moves his blue ball back on the tee)
SpongeBob: What are you doing?
Patrick: Moving my ball.
SpongeBob: Patrick, you have to play it where it lands.
Patrick: Fine. Have it your way. (moves the ball back to where it was, putts, and makes it) Ready to give up? (cut to next hole)
Patrick: Ha! Let's see how you do against the windmill. You haven't got a chance.
SpongeBob: You know, Patrick, this is just a game.
Patrick: Oh, it is just a game, which I am gonna win.
SpongeBob: I think you're missing the point.
Patrick: Speaking of missing! (SpongeBob putts and misses) Ha! Gotta play it where it lands. Watch and learn, SquarePants. Watch and learn. (putts and makes it) Yes! See if you can top that!
SpongeBob: Okay...
Patrick: (with headphones on and microphone in hand) SpongeBob readies the approach shot. He's gotta be very careful he doesn't hook the shot here, because this would certainly be an inopportune time for a bogey. (SpongeBob about to putt but stops) A pressure-packed shot to be sure. (SpongeBob putts but the ball stops short of hole)
Citizens: Aww. (cut to next hole)
Patrick: Looks like we're tied, three shots to three.
SpongeBob: (chuckles) Shots. They're called strokes in golf, Patrick, not shots.
Patrick: Whatever. (putts and makes it) And he sinks another hole in one! That's two in a row.
SpongeBob: All right! You wanna play competitive, eh? Observe. (putts and makes it) Right between the old wickets. Come on bally, don't fail me now.
Patrick: Watch out for the water hazard.
SpongeBob: Patrick, the only hazard I can see is you standing in my shot.
Patrick: I have no idea what you're talking about.
SpongeBob: Fine. Be that way. I'll just go around you. (swings at ball and it ricochets off a picture of Gary, through the butter sculpture and through a window) Oops.
Patrick: Show-off. I can do that. (swings and his ball goes through the same window. SpongeBob ducks)
SpongeBob: Oh, where did our balls go?
Patrick: Well, how do I know? I was just copying you.
SpongeBob: (sees one of Squidward's windows broken) Uh-oh. Oh well, I guess that's game point.
Patrick: Oh, hold on there, fella. It's not over yet.
SpongeBob: But remember what Squidward said? We can't make any noise.
Patrick: Who said anything about noise? We're just gonna get out of the rough and back to the course.
SpongeBob: Hey! (whispering) Patrick. Patrick. (sees Patrick eating food from Squidward's fridge) What's the big idea? I thought we were in here to play golf, remember?
Patrick: Okay, okay.
SpongeBob: Now where is that darned ball?
Patrick: Oh.
SpongeBob: Patrick, have you seen my ball?
Patrick: Was it a red one?
SpongeBob: Mm-hmm.
Patrick: It might have been in the kelp salad.
SpongeBob: Patrick, you ate my ball?
Patrick: Don't worry, I'll get it.
SpongeBob: Patrick, no.
Patrick: No?
SpongeBob: I have to play the ball where it lies. (hops inside Patrick's mouth and leaves it open) We'll need to leave this open. (goes back inside) Now, let's see, if I was a golf ball, where would I--? Oh! Next to the gallbladder, of course. Fore! (the ball gets out of Patrick, through the ceiling, and crashes through a lamp. SpongeBob climbs out of Patrick's mouth) Where's your ball?
Patrick: I don't know. Gotta be around here somewhere. (ball is on the back of Patrick's pants)
SpongeBob: There it is.
Patrick: Uh-oh.
SpongeBob: Play it where it lies.
Patrick: (groans. Cut to him swinging at the ball, which goes through the ceiling hole that SpongeBob made with his ball) Hole in one! Top that!
SpongeBob: I could do that blindfolded. (Patrick hands him a blindfold. Cut to SpongeBob, not blindfolded, using his putter to get around. He smashes through a door)
Patrick: Hey, wait up. Warmer. Warmer. Red hot! (smashes down the door)
Patrick: Warmer. Warmer. Colder. Colder. Warmer. Warmer. Warmer. Hot. Hotter. Red hot. Red hot! (SpongeBob splits a table) No, wait, my mistake. You're ice cold. Warmer. Warmer. Hot. Hot. Red hot! Smoking hot! (destroys a plant) Wrong again.
SpongeBob: (peeks out of his blindfold) Patrick!
Patrick: Stop peeking! (SpongeBob puts his blindfold back on) Hotter. (destroy something) Colder. Hotter. (destroys a picture of a clown) Hot. (destroys something) Cold. Hot. (destroys something) Cold. Hot. (destroys one side of Squidward's house) Cold. Hot. (destroys the other side of Squidward's house) Cold.
SpongeBob: Patrick, this is ridiculous. (notices Squidward's house is a mess) Wow. Squidward's really let this place go. (opens the bathroom door) Patrick!
Patrick: (in shower) Argh!
SpongeBob: What are you doing?
Patrick: I was just freshening up. But these fancy fixtures are touchy. (turns the faucet handles) Hot. Red hot! (turns the handles the other way) Ah! Cold. Cold. Cold.
SpongeBob: Would you please get back in the game?
Patrick: But I wanted to try his loofah.
SpongeBob: Those balls have gotta be around here somewhere. Oh, Patrick. (the blue ball is on Squidward's forehead)
Patrick: Uh, look a little closer, buddy. (the red ball is in Squidward's mouth)
SpongeBob: Play it where it lies?
Patrick: Play it where it lies.
SpongeBob: But how are we gonna hit our balls back to my house from here?
Patrick: All it takes is a little finesse, SpongeBob. All it takes is a little finesse. (cut to SpongeBob plugging in corks in Squidward's ears)
SpongeBob: Okay, you're good to go.
Patrick: Fore! (makes a giant hold in the wall that faces SpongeBob's house) It's all yours.
SpongeBob: This one's for all the marbles.
Patrick: I thought we weren't betting.
SpongeBob: No, I mean whoever wins this hole wins the game. (Squidward takes his sleep mask off and sees SpongeBob and Patrick talking right above him)
Squidward: (muffled) What's going on here? (screams as SpongeBob and Patrick swing the ball back through another window of SpongeBob's house and lands in Gary's bowl)
(SpongeBob and Patrick shoot, landing Gary's food bowl, spilling on him)
SpongeBob & Patrick: Hole in one! (Squidward sits up)
SpongeBob: Good morning.
Patrick: Sorry we woke you.
Squidward: (he has no teeth) Wha--? Wha--?
SpongeBob: Hey, Squidward, what happened to your dentures? (cut to Gary's bowl where Squidward's teeth are chattering)
Patrick: Good game, pal.
SpongeBob: Rematch next Saturday?
Patrick: Rain or shine, SpongeBob. Rain or shine. (it stops raining. Squidward's house crumbles)
Squidward: (muffled) SpongeBob!
End