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Oral Report

(at the Krusty Krab where customers are acting like zombies because they don't have their food yet)
Squidward: SpongeBob, why aren't those orders up yet? (two fish act like zombies at their table) SpongeBob, the collective blood sugar out here is getting dangerously low. (sees some index cards being grilled on the stove) Why are you grilling index cards
SpongeBob: Sorry, Squidward, I got a little distracted. I'm practicing for my oral report for boating school tomorrow.
Squidward: You know, SpongeBob, statistics show that public speaking is the number three cause of stress right behind death and marriage. Now get those orders ready!
SpongeBob: Okay. Okay. (takes off his hat and patties come flying out onto the grill) Hmm, what's so scary about public speaking anyway? You just stand in front of the public and speak, publicly. It's really no different to what I do everyday. (he comes out with a tray of patties and notices the customers are acting like zombies) No big deal, SpongeBob. You just stand in front of them. All of 'em looking... (backs up into the kitchen) ...at me (closes the kitchen door and peaks through the window) ...with their eyes! Ahhh! Squidward was right! Public speaking is frightening!
Squidward: (grabs the tray of patties) Must I do everything myself? (looks to the back of him) Huh? Stay back! You'll get your patty when it's your turn. (Squidward gets pulled away from the order window and stuff begins to break and fly everywhere. SpongeBob peaks out to see what's going on and then hides again)
SpongeBob: I never knew an audience can get so physical. (Squidward screams as he is thrown into the wall) This changes everything! (walks off as Squidward is being tossed in the air like a rag doll. Cut to Patrick's rock)
Patrick: Oh, sorry, wrong rock. (Patrick turns around but SpongeBob grabs him and closes the rock. Inside, SpongeBob has made Patrick's home to a sand replica of Mrs. Puff's Boat School classroom)
SpongeBob: Patrick, I wonder if you'd help me by lending me your eyes.
Patrick: Okay. (tries to pull his eyes off his face)
SpongeBob: No, no, no. You can keep 'em. I just want you to watch me while I practice my speech up here. (referring to the little platform he made out of sand) Just pretend you're a student at his desk.
Patrick: Okay. (goes over to one of the desks and sits in it. SpongeBob gets on his platform and gets out an index card) Hold on, I like to sit in the back of the class. (moves the desk he is in farther back)
SpongeBob: Okay, here goes. (reads) Boating safety...
Patrick: SpongeBob? Can I have a hall pass?
SpongeBob: Not now, Patrick. Just sit tight and let me practice.
Patrick: Fine.
SpongeBob: (clears throat) Boating safe...
Patrick: Boring! Next.
SpongeBob: Patrick, you're kinda derailing the proceedings here. Just focus on me, huh?
Patrick: All right, all right. (opens his eyes really wide and focuses on SpongeBob)
SpongeBob: So, without further ado... (Patrick is snoring) Patrick? (taps Patrick's forehead) Patrick, wake up. (Patrick wakes up) What happened, Patrick?
Patrick: Come on, SpongeBob. You think everyone can stay awake through your boring speech?
SpongeBob: I don't know. Do you think that's too much to expect?
Patrick: Yes! And you should be prepared for worse.
SpongeBob: Worse?
Patrick: You're gonna have things thrown at you that you wouldn't believe. You gotta be ready. Now try again.
SpongeBob: Okay. (gets back on the platform) Boating safe... (a pillow is thrown at him) Boating safe... (a bunch of pillows are being thrown at him)
Patrick: That's it! Hyah! Fight through!
SpongeBob: Patrick, nobody throws pillows in class.
Patrick: Says you! Speech.
SpongeBob: Boating safe... (Patrick walks up to him dressed up like Mrs. Puff)
Patrick: SpongeBob SquarePants, what a mess you've made of my classroom.
SpongeBob: Uh, you sorta had a hand in that too, Patrick.
Patrick: (dressed as Mrs. Puff) Young man, how dare you? (writes on a piece of paper and hands it to SpongeBob)
SpongeBob: Wha-- A detention slip?
Patrick: (dressed as Mrs. Puff) I'm not hearing your oral report.
SpongeBob: Okay. (reads) Boating safety... (begins to run on a treadmill)
Patrick: Try again.
SpongeBob: (panting) Boating safety... (Patrick bangs some cymbals that causes SpongeBob to lose his balance and hang onto the rails of the machine)
Patrick: Come on, SquarePants, is this the best you can do?
SpongeBob: Patrick, somehow, I don't think this is working. (turns into dust from his body rubbing on the treadmill)
Patrick: Speech! (SpongeBob returns to normal and screams) Speech. Speech. Speech. Speech. Speech. Speech. Speech. Speech. Speech. Speech. Speech. Speech. Speech.
SpongeBob: Patrick, stop. Somehow your help just isn't helping. I am more nervous about this oral report than I've ever been about anything. (shudders)
Patrick: Yeah, you do look pretty terrible.
SpongeBob: Well, if I don't do my report, then I don't pass. And if I don't pass, then I don't get my boating license! (cries)
Patrick: Wait, buddy. I know how you can get your boating license. Your friend the squirrel girl is real good with her paws. Maybe she can make you a fake one.
SpongeBob: No, Patrick, that's illegal. But she might be able to help me get over this anxiety. She's always speaking at science conferences. She's probably full of pointers.
Patrick: Yeah, or she probably has a robot that can demolish the whole school for you. (cut to Sandy examining SpongeBob, at her place, with a magnifying glass)
Sandy: White knuckles, leaky pores, and stomach in knots. Yup, he does look pretty bad. SpongeBob, you're afflicted to severe "oral report-itis." You know, patients with this disease have been known to physically explode. Ker-pow! (SpongeBob starts to get shudder. Sandy walks over and pulls down a diagram) It has been scientifically proven that 85% of speech-related stress can be alleviated if the speaker imagines the audience in their underwear. (removes the clothing from the fish on the diagram. The fish rips a piece of paper from the diagram and uses it to cover himself up) Everyone will look so silly, you won't even remember you're nervous! Which is why I invented these. (holds up a pair of underwear with goggles on it) Goggles that let you see people in their undies. Or I could just make you a fake boating license.
SpongeBob: That's still illegal. Give me the goggles. (puts them on and views Sandy but it doesn't seem to work) It's not working.
Sandy: Well, of course it isn't, silly! I'm only wearing my undies. See if it works on Patrick.
SpongeBob: (turns around to Patrick and his eyes get really wide) Egh! They work. (cut to Mrs. Puff's Boating School)
Billy: And they were never heard from again.
Mrs. Puff: Thank you, Billy. That was an excellent report. (crosses Billy's name off the list) Next we have SpongeBob SquarePants. (sighs)
Patrick: Go on, buddy. (SpongeBob gives him a thumbs up, walks up to the front, and gets nervous)
Mrs. Puff: Well, SpongeBob? Do you have your oral report ready?
SpongeBob: Huh?
Mrs. Puff: The assignment I gave you-- the one where you talk in front of the class.
SpongeBob: Oh, yeah! Of course I'm ready. I can do it. (one of the girls checks her watch) Um... (scans the room. All the students are looking at him, annoyed, while Patrick gets ready to throw a pillow) Uh, no! Oh, no!
Mrs. Puff: What are you doing?
SpongeBob: Mrs. Puff, do I really have to do this?
Mrs. Puff: No. Only if you want to pass this class!
SpongeBob: Okay. M-m-my report is on... (his pinky starts to wiggle in the air. He stops it) Heh. Must be last-minute jitters. (starts to vibrate too. He goes all around the front of the room and stops where he was before) Patrick, where are those goggles?
Patrick: Right here. Let me polish them up for you. (rubs his arm over one of the eye pieces and breaks it) Here ya go.
SpongeBob: Thanks. (puts the goggles on)
Billy: Hurry up! (everyone is in their underwear. He laughs) It's working! (laughs more)
Mrs. Puff: What's all this laughing about? (walks over to SpongeBob, wearing just a bra and underwear) Well, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: (laughs) "Boating safety is the responsibility of every boater in the ocean because... (his goggles start to malfunction. Billy's underwear gains a face on it)
Billy's Underwear: Well, don't just stand there. Get on with it! (SpongeBob screams)
All Underwear: All right! Come on! Get on with it!
SpongeBob: They're all staring! (takes the goggles off, screams, and runs out of the classroom)
Patrick: Hey, where are you going? You forgot your goggles! SpongeBob, wait! (SpongeBob drives off in a boat) SpongeBob!
Mrs. Puff: You can't take my boat! SpongeBob!
Patrick: Wait! SpongeBob!
Mrs. Puff: Come back here with my boat! (Patrick and Mrs. Puff race down the road, past a few pedestrians)
Kid: Yeah! Yay! (SpongeBob is weaving around the road making everyone panic and scream)
Cop #117: Talk about a slow day at the office, huh?
Cop #118: You said it, partner. My baton's itching for the noggin of a lawbreaker. (SpongeBob is screaming as he runs a red light)
Police Officer: Okay, forget what I just said. (they chase after SpongeBob, using a megaphone) Sponge, pull over!
SpongeBob: I don't know how!
Patrick: SpongeBob! (the boat crashes through three houses and into a wall, sending SpongeBob onto the ground)
Cop #117: All right, kid. What was that all about?
Cop #118: Don't you know anything about boating safety?
SpongeBob: Boating safety? Yes, Officer. I do. (stands up) Boating safety is the responsibility of every boater in the whole ocean. Each boater must follow the rules and regulations stipulated in the Boater's Safety Handbook. Learn the meaning of all important signs... Obey speed limits... Pay attention to one's surroundings... Red means no parking... Obey authority figures... Respect the rights of pedestrians... Familiarize yourself with all shades of curb... For safety... blah blah blah... Remember, a motor vehicle is 2,000 pounds of blah blah...
Cop #118: Gee, kid, that was beautiful. (wipes a tear)
Cop #117: Yeah. I never even knew some of those things myself.
Mrs. Puff: Aha! Finally, the long arm of the law has caught up with you! I guess I won't be seeing you in my driver's education class for the next 5 to 10 years! (laughs hysterically)
Cop #117: Wait, wait, Miss Chuckles. Did you say you were his boating instructor?
Mrs. Puff: Yes. Why?
Cop #117: Under penal code 26-1, quote: "The boating instructor is responsible--"
SpongeBob: "--for any minor delinquent actions under that teacher's care."
Cop #117: Unquote. I'm afraid we're gonna have to take you in, madam. (handcuffs Mrs. Puff and puts her in the police car)
Mrs. Puff: What?! Noooo! (siren wailing as it drives off)
Patrick: Hey, buddy, you got over your fear of giving an oral talking thing.
SpongeBob: Hey, I did! Thanks, pal.
Patrick: That reminds me. You forgot these. (puts the underwear goggles on) Whoa, they really work! (a face appears on SpongeBob's underwear)
SpongeBob's Underwear: And, what are you lookin' at? (Patrick screams and runs away)
End