Back

The Inside Job

(Plankton is lounging on a couch watching a hamster running in a wheel on TV.)
Plankton: Heh. That's the life.
(The TV signal turns off and Karen takes over the screen.)
Karen: Plankton!
Plankton: Hey, I was watching that!
Karen: And I'm tired of watching you sit around all day. Admit it – the Chum Bucket is a total failure.
Plankton: It is not. Business is just slow.
Karen: If you take my advice the Krabby Patty recipe would be yours.
Plankton: (Laughs) You? You're just a computer. I'm the evil genius around here. (Hears some people come into the Chum Bucket)
Dad: This is it, son. The Chum Bucket.
Plankton: Looks like this failure has a customer. (Goes into the main restaurant) Hello, are you lost?
Dad: No, we're not lost. I promised my boy I'd take him to the Chum Bucket today.
Plankton: Really?
Dad: Wow, look at that order window! It's completely covered in grime and filth.
Son: Cool!
Dad: (Sniffs) Smell that air.
Son: (Sniffs) It makes me wanna hurl.
Dad: (Laughs) I think the Chum Bucket is the high point of our tour.
Plankton: Tour?
Dad: That's right. We're visiting the most disgusting places in Bikini Bottom and so far you're number one. (Pats Plankton's head) Farewell, you filthy little fella. (To his son as they're leaving) What do you say we try the city dump next?
Son: Oh boy!
(Plankton signs and walks back into the lab)
Karen: So, how'd it go?
Plankton: You're right, I'm such a failure.
Karen: Aww, so do you give up?
Plankton: Yes.
Karen: You'll do what I tell you now?
Plankton: Yes.
Karen: Here's all you have to do. You want the patty recipe (Shows a diagram on her screen), then go to the man who wrote it, Eugene Krabs. (Shows picture of him)
Plankton: (Sarcastically) Right, why didn't I think of that before?
Karen: With my mind connector you'll be able to read Krabs' mind, transferring the recipe directly into your teeny tiny little brain.
Plankton: Wow, that's a pretty good idea! (A chair raises out of the floor and straps him in) Whoa! Um, K-Karen? (The chair raises further)
Karen: Hold still. You'll need this. (Puts the mind connector on his head)
Plankton: And just how am I supposed to attach it to Krabs' brain?
Karen: Leave that to me, hun. (Sucks him up in a pipette) Prepare for launch. Target in range. Launch sequence initiated.
Plankton: No, wait! (She squeezes and fires him towards Mr. Krabs) There he is! (Squidward walks by) Get out of the way! This is it! (Patrick walks by) Move it! Haha, you're mine!
SpongeBob: (Appearing from behind what turns out to be just a cut-out of Mr. Krabs) Hey, where do you want this life-sized cut-out of you, Mr. Krabs?
Plankton: No! (Lands in SpongeBob's head) Oof!
Mr. Krabs: I told you to stop playing with that thing and get back to work! (SpongeBob tosses it aside and goes into the Krusty Krab)
Plankton: (Inside SpongeBob) Uh, great.
Karen: (Over a radio signal) Plankton, what happened?
Plankton: Thanks to your brilliant aim, honey, I'm stuck inside that fool of a fry cook.
Karen: Well, honey, you'll just have to change plans. Plug into his eyes and see what's going on outside.
(Plankton walks over to SpongeBob's eyes and attaches the connector. SpongeBob can no longer see.)
SpongeBob: Hey, Squidward, we blew a fuse.
Squidward: I'm going to blow a fuse if you don't get that order up.
Plankton: It works! I can see everything SpongeBob sees!
SpongeBob: Hey, can somebody hit the lights?
Squidward: SpongeBob, where's the Krabby Patty for order 17?
SpongeBob: (Feeling in front of him) Oh, Squidward, is that you? Oh, it's so dark in here, I can't see a thing.
Squidward: Can you just get the Krabby Patty?
SpongeBob: Sure thing, Squidward. One Krabby Patty coming up.
Plankton: He's going to make a Krabby Patty right in front of me!
SpongeBob: (Feeling around the counter) Oh, now where are those patties? No, uh, nuh uh. Ah! (Picks up a scourer) There you are, patty! Add one fluffy bun like so (Adds a sponge) and a squirt of special sauce. (Squirts soap)
Plankton: Hehe, special sauce. (Makes notes on a clipboard) Wait, soap is the special sauce?
SpongeBob: Then you grab yourself some lettuce (Rips some strands from a mop, adds them and then another sponge) and voilà! One perfect Krabby Patty. I only wish I could see how beautiful it looks. (Walks into the dining room) Number 17, your patty is ready. (Bumps into the order boat) Oh! Watch your step, Squidward, it is pitch black out here.
Squidward: Don't know, don't want to. (Reads "House Fancy" magazine)
SpongeBob: (Feeling his way around) Order number 17? Order number 17. Over 17? No. Mmm … no. Order 17? Order 17. Your Krabby Patty, ma'am. (Puts the "patty" down in front of a male customer)
Plankton: That's it! (Disconnects from SpongeBob's eyes and plugs them back into SpongeBob) I'm trying something else. Where are those eardrums?
SpongeBob: Hey, the lights are back on! (Sees the patty he made) Aaaah! (Bursts into Mr. Krabs' office) Mr. Krabs! Help me, Mr. Krabs! I've forgotten how to make Krabby Patties! Please tell me the secret recipe again!
Plankton: Finally, the eardrum. Now I'll just unplug this thing.
Mr. Krabs: Need a little refresher, eh? OK, boy, I'll run through the Krabby Patty formula one more time. First- (Plankton unplugs SpongeBob's eardrum and he suddenly can't hear)
Plankton: Let me see what I can tune in here. (Plugs the connector into SpongeBob's eardrum) Hmm.
Mr. Krabs: The secret of the Krabby Patty formula is …
Plankton: Jackpot!
SpongeBob: Huh?
Mr. Krabs: I said the secret to the Krabby Patty formula is-
SpongeBob: Could you speak a little louder please?
Mr. Krabs: (Yelling) The secret to the Krabby Patty formula is-
SpongeBob: (Also yelling) What?
Mr. Krabs: Hold on. (Gets a megaphone)
Plankton: Here it comes.
Mr. Krabs: (Through megaphone) The secret to the Krabby Patty formula is-
Plankton: (Screams in pain and unplugs himself from the eardrum) I hate my life!
Mr. Krabs: Is this thing loud enough?
SpongeBob: (Can hear again) Oh sure, I can hear you fine now.
Mr. Krabs: What was the question again?
SpongeBob: Oh it, uh … you know, I don't remember.
Mr. Krabs: Me neither. So are we good?
SpongeBob: Yeah.
Mr. Krabs: Get out.
SpongeBob: OK!
Plankton: Enough with these petty carnal senses! If I'm going to get the Krabby Patty recipe I'm going to have to go to command central. (Laughs evilly) The brain! (Plugs into the brain) Hi, friend! … Why am I making idiotic comments? (Reads text that is written on the brain) Superficial greetings? (Unplugs) What kind of idiot- (Reads the rest of the brain) Personal opinions? Knock-knock jokes? No, no, no, no! This is all useless. I'm going to have to go in deeper. (Dives into the brain and emerges in a recreation of SpongeBob's house) Where am I?
Brain Gary: Meow.
Plankton: Ew. That's disgusting. Now, where do morons keep all their secrets? (Goes upstairs. Searches closet.) Nope. (Checks under mattress) Doesn't this kid have any secrets? (Goes into the library) Aha! The library, where he keeps records of his every thought. All of his deepest, juiciest secrets. (Opens a filing cabinet drawer marked "secrets") In convenient alphabetical order, look at that. Q, R, S. (Takes out a file) Sounds that make Squidward upset? (Opens it and SpongeBob's laugh plays) Patrick's favorite places to be scratched? (Puts his hand in the file. Outside, SpongeBob scratches Squidward.)
Squidward: What are you doing?
SpongeBob: Scratching.
Plankton: Ahh, all these secrets are lame! Wait a minute, what's this? (Finds a note) The secret recipe isn't in the brain, it's located in the heart. How cheesy. (Slides down SpongeBob's spine to where the heart is located and plugs in the connector) The Krabby Patty recipe! Yes, yes, yes! Here it is! (He salivates) My mouth is watering, my taste buds are tingling. Mm, oh yeah, it feels so good! I can feel it all the way to my finger … stumps. All of the ingredients coming together in perfect harmony, and it's all mine! (Laughs like SpongeBob, then covers his mouth) OK, that was weird. Like I was saying, the Krabby Patty recipe is … the delicious sole property of the Krusty Krab. (Covers his mouth again) Who said that? What's happening to me? So warm and fuzzy. It's … (Goes through a painful transformation in which he takes on SpongeBob's appearance and personality) It's beautiful! (Laughs) All of the delicious ingredients living in perfect harmony!
Karen: You got the recipe?
Plankton: I sure did.
Karen: Well, what are you waiting for? Bring it back to the Chum Bucket.
Plankton: Karen, wouldn't that be stealing?
Karen: Stealing?
Plankton: The Krabby Patty recipe is the delicious sole property of the Krusty Krab.
Karen: Oh, brother. (Presses a button that says "retrieve". The mind connector flies Plankton out through SpongeBob's nose and towards the Chum Bucket.)
Patrick: (Enters the Krusty Krab) Hey, everybody! Wait, that's not what I wanted to say. Now, what was it? (The connector hits Patrick and Plankton takes on his appearance and personality instead) Oh well, never mind. (Leaves. Karen reaches through the Chum Bucket doors and retrieves Plankton herself.)
Karen: Well? Where's the recipe?
Plankton: The what?
Karen: I knew you'd louse this up.
Plankton: Louse what up?
End