Back

Graveyard Shift

(outside the Krusty Krab)
Narrator: Ah, the Krusty Krab, Bikini Bottom's premiere daytime eatery where it'll be closing time right... about...
Squidward: (from inside, flips the "open" sign to "closed") Now! 8:00. (tosses off his hat) So long, suckers! I've got a hot date with a little lady and her name is Clarinet. (a fish walks up to the door and knocks) What?
Customer #6: Are you open?
Squidward: Read the sign.
Customer #6: I'll have a Krabby Patty deluxe and a double chili kelp fries.
Squidward: No, you won't. I can't hang out here all night. I've got a life.
Customer #6: Well, fine, if you don't want my money.
Mr. Krabs: Money? (falls from above and crushes Squidward) You mean, if we stayed open later, you'd give us your money?
Customber #6: (him and three other fish hold out money) Sure.
Mr. Krabs: (rips the closed sign in half) Mr. Squidward, welcome to the night shift. From now on, the Krusty Krab is open 24 hours a day.
Squidward: (stands up) What?
(a large crowd of customers enter, stampeding over Squidward)
SpongeBob: (appears) Wow! Now we never have to stop working.
Squidward: (stands up) Mr. Krabs...
Mr. Krabs: See you in the morning, boys. I can't hang out here all night. I got a life. (storms out the place)
Squidward: Mr. Krabs...
SpongeBob: Isn't this great, Squidward? Just you and me together for hours and hours and hours? And then the sun'll come up? And it'll be tomorrow, and we'll still be working. (gasps) It'll be just like a sleepover! Only we'll be sweaty and covered with grease! (jumps onto the edge of the counter) Are you ready to rock, Squidward?!
Squidward: No.
SpongeBob: Good, 'cause we've got customers! (dives into the kitchen through the window)
Squidward: (enters the counter and gives a customer a bat) Here. Please hit me as hard as you can.
SpongeBob: (peeping his head through the window) Psst. Squidward. I'm working in the kitchen... (giggles) At night.
Squidward: (leans to the side, still wanting the customer to hit him with a bat) Don't hold back.
SpongeBob: Hey, Squidward, guess what? (chops lettuce with his spatula) I'm chopping lettuce... at night. (slithers all around the bathroom, making it sparkle) Look at me, I'm swabbing the bathroom... at night. (tries to grab a spatula off the grill) Ow! I burned my hand! (his hand is red, now he is marching on the edge of the counter with annoyed Squidward in the center, chanting to the tune of Charge) At night. Night, night, night, night, night, night, night, night, night, night, night, night, n-n-n-ight! Night!
Squidward: Will you, please?! (gives SpongeBob a trash bag) Here, give me a moment's peace and take out the trash.
SpongeBob: All right. (walks towards to door) Taking out the trash. Taking out the trash, at n... (he abruptly stops at the door and sees the dumpster far out in the scary darkness) You mean, outside?
Squidward: That's where the dumpster is, yes.
SpongeBob: I don't know, Squidward, it's kind of dark out there.
Squidward: But I thought you liked the night shift.
SpongeBob: You're right. For the Krusty Krab! (screaming, he quickly runs out with the trash bag, throws it in the dumpster and dashes back inside gasping, he is now calm) Piece of cake.
Squidward: So, you're not afraid?
SpongeBob: (walking back towards the kitchen) Pfft! Nah.
Squidward: Well, I am, especially after... (gulps) Well, you know.
SpongeBob: (turns around) What? What do I know?
Squidward: You don't remember? It was all over the news.
SpongeBob: Tell me. Tell me.
Squidward: No, no, no, I-I probably shouldn't. It would ruin the night shift for you.
SpongeBob: (bounces up and down, anxiously) What happened? What happened? What happened?
Squidward: You mean you've never heard the story of the... "Hash-Slinging Slasher"?
SpongeBob: (suddenly stops bouncing) The Slash-Bringing Hasher?
Squidward: The Hash-Slinging Slasher.
SpongeBob: The Sash-Wringing... the Trash-Singing... Mash-Flinging... the Flash-Springing... Wringing... (Squidward's face turns annoyed) the-the Crash Dinging... uh...
Squidward: Yes, the Hash-Slinging Slasher. But... most people just call him the Ha... (gasps) because that's all they have time to say before he... gets them!
SpongeBob: (gasps) Tell me the story!
Squidward: Years ago, at this very restaurant, the Hash-Slinging Slasher used to be a fry cook just... like... you. (points to SpongeBob) Only clumsier. (SpongeBob's eyes shrink) And then one night, when he was cutting the patties, it happened.
SpongeBob: He forgot the secret sauce?
Squidward: No.
SpongeBob: He didn't wash his hands?
Squidward: No.
SpongeBob: Irregular portions?
Squidward: No!! He cut off his own hand by mistake.
SpongeBob: You mean like this? (pulls off his left arm and a new one grows back) Or like this? (he continues to pull off his own arms with new ones growing back, creating a chain of connected arms) Or this? Or this? But what about this? Or this? Or this? Or this?! Or...
Squidward: Except he wasn't a sponge.
SpongeBob: So?
Squidward: So it didn't grow back! (SpongeBob screams, his disattached arms bounce off in fear) And he replaced his hand with a rusty spatula. (holds a spatula) And then he got hit by a bus! And at his funeral, they fired him! So now, every... what day is it?
SpongeBob: Tuesday.
Squidward: ...Tuesday night, his ghost returns to the Krusty Krab to wreak his horrible vengeance.
SpongeBob: (gasps) But tonight's Tuesday night.
Squidward: Then he'll be coming.
SpongeBob: How will we know?
Squidward: (holds up three tentacles) There are three signs that signal the approach of the Hash-Slinging Slasher. First, the lights will flicker on and off... next...
Customer #40: (walks up) Dude, can I have some ketchup?
Squidward: Oh. Here you go. (hands him a packet, then continues telling SpongeBob the story) Next... (points to a phone in the counter) the phone will ring, and there will be nobody there. (SpongeBob rapidly bites of his nails) And finally, the Hash-Slinging Slasher arrives in the ghost of the bus that ran him over! (SpongeBob repeatedly swallows his own arms) Then he exits the bus and crosses the street without looking both ways because he's already dead. (SpongeBob holds a bucket of his own arms and munches on them like popcorn) Then, he taps on the window with his grizzly spatula hand.
SpongeBob: (grabs his lips) No!
Squidward: He opens the door... (imitates door creaking open) He slowly approaches the... counter! (approaches SpongeBob's face, which pops inward) And you know what he does next?
SpongeBob: What?
Squidward: You really want to know?
SpongeBob: What?
Squidward: Are you sure you want to know?
SpongeBob: What, what, what does he do?!
Squidward: (sneaks up behing SpongeBob) He gets you! (SpongeBob gives off a series of short contiguous screams as Squidward laughs) He get... Whoo, hoo... Oh my... (his laughter drains out, but SpongeBob is still giving off screams) SpongeBob, I... (SpongeBob continues with the screams) SpongeBob, I was... (SpongeBob continues) I was just... I was just... (SpongeBob's eye pupils are screaming) SpongeBob, I was joking!
SpongeBob: What?
Squidward: It's not true, none of it is true.
SpongeBob: It's not?
Squidward: Of course not. Nobody has a spatula for a hand. It was all a joke.
SpongeBob: Oh. (now he gives off a series of short contiguous laughs, giving Squidward a headache. Later at night, outside the place an owl hoots and through the eerie fog, we see the Krusty Krab with neon letters reading, "OPEN FOREVER". It is dark inside the restaurant as well with only a little light as Squidward is reading a book, sitting behind the counter. He then hears a distant suction sound and scratching noise, the sounds are heard again and become louder as Squidward becomes a little frightened. The sounds turn out to be SpongeBob mopping on the ceiling with suction cup shoes) Isn't this great, Squidward? (Squidward screams) There's never time to wash the ceiling during the day.
Squidward: (growls to himself) Open 24 hours a day. What a stupid idea. Who wants a Krabby Patty at 3:00 in the morning?
(Patrick's house, the alarm clock rings)
Patrick: (in bed) Oh, boy, 3:00 a.m.! (eats a Krabby Patty from under his blanket, but to the Krusty Krab)
Squidward: Just look at this place. It's like a ghost town in here. (the lights flicker on and off) Very funny, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: (comes back to the ground from ceiling mopping) What?
Squidward: "And the lights will flicker on and off..." just like the story, I get it. (he realizes that no one is touching the light switch)
SpongeBob: Hey, Squidward, how are you doing that without moving the switch?
Squidward: I'm not doing it. It must be the stupid faulty wiring in here. This place isn't built to run 24 hours a day. (phone rings, he answers it) What, what? Hello? Hello? Hello?
SpongeBob: Nice try, Squidward.
Squidward: Nice try, what?
SpongeBob: "The phone will ring and there will be no one there!" Oh, you crack me up.
Squidward: SpongeBob, I'm not doing this. (to himself) Oh, calm down, calm down. All right, what was it? There was... the lights...(they flicker)...and the phone. (rings) And the walls will ooze green slime! (slime oozes through the wall cracks) Oh, wait. They always do that. But what was that third thing?
(a bus appears outside through the fog)
SpongeBob: I didn't know the buses ran this late.
Squidward: They don't.
SpongeBob: Well, they're dropping someone off.
(a silhouette figure appears with presumable evil eyes and a spatula hand)
Squidward: (screams loudly with hair growing out of his head and wiggling) That's the Sash-Wringing... The-the Flash-Singing... The Fash... P-Pinging...
SpongeBob: The Hash-Slinging Slasher! (starts to cry) Oh...
Squidward: At last, you understand; we're doomed.
SpongeBob: No, that's not it. I am just so touched that you would go to the trouble to dress up as a ghostly fry cook and stand on the other side of the street just to entertain me. (sobs) You must really like me!
Squidward: (the figure starts to approach the restaurant) SpongeBob, there are two problems with your theory. One: I hate you. And two: How can that be me, when I'm standing right here?! (the figure taps on the door, SpongeBob screams with his eyelashes extending and wiggling)
Squidward & SpongeBob: The Hash-Slinging Slasher! (they both babble hysterically and hug as the figure enters)
Squidward: SpongeBob, no matter what I've said, I've always sort of liked you!
SpongeBob: Squidward, I used your clarinet to unclog my toilet!
Squidward: Huh? (they continue to babble in fear as the figure enters the light. It turns out to be a nerdy fish, the evil eyes were actually his nostrils)
Richard: Can I have a job application? I brought my own spatula. (he was actually holding a spatula underneath his sleeve) I called earlier, but I hung up 'cause I was nervous.
SpongeBob: Do you have references?
Squidward: Wait, if that was you on the phone and you on the bus, then who was flickering the lights?
(the lights flicker again, and the classic vampire Nosferatu appears in a doorway flipping a light switch)
All: Nosferatu! (Nosferatu smiles)
End