SpongeBob SquarePants Funny Quotes

[Godzilla]

Mr. Krabs: I've got one last thing to try. [rapidly places an unseen object into his soup and snaps his fingers] Uh, waiter! There's an eyelash in me soup.
Waiter: Oh my dear, how revolting. [he pulls on the eyelash, revealing SpongeBob is in the bowl] Eeew.
Mrs. Puff: SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: Oh, bonjour, Mrs. Puff! Mr. Krabs said if I came along, we'd all get a free meal!
Mrs. Puff: [angrily] Eugene! This is so [inflates, then deflates] embarrassing! [walks away]

 

[Season 4-11]

Squidward: Now don't move it until I say... (SpongeBob drops the couch on Squidward's foot) Oww!!! Okay, it's on my foot, now don't... (SpongeBob moves it again) Ow!
SpongeBob: Okay! (moves it and tears off Squidward's toenial)
Squidward: Ow! SpongeBob, I told you not to move it until I say... (drops it on his torn foot) Owww!!! Why do you keep moving it!?
SpongeBob: Cause you keep saying 'ow'!!!

A personal favorite of mine

 

[Godzilla]

Patrick: [while raising a flag with one hand and hugging SpongeBob with the other] Yay, team us! [taps Squidward's nose with the flag's pole] Boo, team you.

(This is actually from Gary's Playhouse, in a promo for the episode back in June or July.)

 

[SpongeMountain]

Patrick: (to Mini Squid) Squidward, you look a little different. Wow. Have you been working out?
SpongeBob: Actually, Patrick, this is...
Patrick: D'oh, hold it, SpongeBob. Ooh, I know. You shaved your beard.
(SpongeBob and Mini Squid look at each other)

Squid Wood - season 4

 

[SpongeBobfan1987]

SpongeBob: "Weesnaw!"

 

[Godzilla]

SpongeBob: What am I? [he shows himself in a Texas-shape.]
Patrick: Stupid?
SpongeBob: No! I'm Texas.
Patrick: What's the difference?!
[Sandy gets more ticked off with the two making fun of Texas.]

Another part of "Texas":
Patrick: Can we say that shoes from Texas are dumb? [laughing.]

 

[Godzilla]

(Sorry for double posting, since last time.)

A part from Season 2's magnificent episode IMO, Band Geeks!:

[Patrick puts his hand up]
Patrick: Is mayonnaise an instrument?
Squidward: No, Patrick. Mayonnaise is not an instrument.
[Patrick puts his hand up again]
Squidward: Horseradish is not an instrument either.

 

[IsThisTheKrustyKrab?]

SpongeBob: I always come to work at 3:00 AM. This is when I count the sesame seeds. [takes off his green hat] What are you doing here?
Squidward: Uhh, I forgot my...
SpongeBob: And why is the patty vault open?
Squidward: Oh, I thought that...
SpongeBob: And why are you holding a patty behind your back?
Squidward: I... I... I... no, I didn't do...
SpongeBob: And why are you acting so nervous? And why are you sweating so much? And why do you look so hungry? And... [grins very smugly]
Squidward: No, no, wait... it's not what you think. Th-this is a big misunderstanding. You've got to believe me, I... Listen, I am telling you... [jumps up and down] You better listen to me, SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: You like Krabby Patties, don't you, Squidward?

 

[Godzilla]

Two funny "MY LEG!" referenced parts from "House Hunting":

Scene during sacrifice of Sausage-Bard:
Ham Salad Suzie: Don't forget the mustard! [She sprays the mustard onto Sausage-Bard's eyes]
Sausage-Bard: [He screams in pain after having his eyes sprayed by mustard] MY EYES!

Another scene in from in middle of the episode:
[The Star Family drives the TV mobile into the elevator, as Fred's eggs break]
Fred: [His eggs break, spilling all over himself.] MY EGGS!

 

[Nathan Shetka]

Patrick: Leedle Leedle Leedle Lee!

 

[FryBob PattyPants]

Krabs: Now, you can't tell no one about this. It'll be the end of you, it'll be the end of me, but worst of all, it'll be the end of me.
Police: Stop right there!

 

[Nathan Shetka]

Scooter: I can’t find the coin slot. here it is!

 

[FryBob PattyPants]

Spongebob: Lesson #1, you see someone drop their wallet. Patrick, drop the wallet.
Patrick: (drops the wallet)
Spongebob: Now, what would you do?
Man Ray: Excuse me sir, but I do believe you've dropped your wallet. (Picks up Patrick's wallet)
Patrick: Doesn't look familiar to me.
Man Ray: What? I just saw you drop it. Here. (Attempts to give wallet)
Patrick: No, it's not mine.
Man Ray: It is yours. I am trying to be a good person and return it to you.
Patrick: Return what to who?
Man Ray: (Facepalm) Aren't you Patrick Star (Takes out Patrick's ID from wallet)
Patrick: Yep.
Man Ray: And this is your ID?
Patrick: Yep.
Man Ray: I found this ID in this wallet, and if that's the case then this must be...your wallet.
Patrick: That makes sense to me.
Man Ray: So take it.
Patrick: It's not my wallet.
(and we all know what happens next)

 

[NOTSpongeblobmaster]

Patrick! That's the ultra-rare number 54 talking card! It's really valuable, and there's only five in existence. (babbling)...Patrick! (babbling)