The Killer Krab

Old Man Jenkins☣

Old Man Jenkins☣

A Real Bon Vivant
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Saw this nifty section here and figured why not share this fic I actually finished here. Hope y'all enjoy

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Plot: Don't cross the boss...


Chapter I: Workers Compensation? Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar!

Spongebob wakes up one morning and undergoes his morning ritual of barfing out Snail-Po and hitting the plush weights before getting dressed for work. He still remembers the brief conversation he had with Mr. Krabs the day before about a, what Krabs called, "a promotion." Spongebob gleefully strutted to the streets as he usually does on the way to work almost every morning.

Spongebob: I'm ready! PROMOTION! I'm ready! PROMOTION!

From within the confines of the Krusty Krab, Eugene H. Krabs, the restaurant's sole proprietor, lies in wait as the playful sponge makes his way inside. Mr. Squidward is already there, working double-overtime as he usually does, working the register whilst "reading" the latest issue of Playsquid. Spongebob enters the establishment and grabs his hat off the once-there-and-gone-again hat rack.

Spongebob: Well, back to the ole grind!

Mr. Krabs: Grrrrrr, SPONGEBOB GET OUT HERE!

Spongebob: Yes, Mr. Krabs?

Mr. Krabs: Alright lad, remember the terms of that "promotion" we parleyed about yesterday?

Spongebob: A PROMO, A PROMO, A PROMOTION?!

Mr. Krabs: Stay with me here, boy! Spongebob, ye be the best fry cook I ever had on me payroll. Ye should consider yerself to be lucky I even pay you at all. It was a tough decision on me part, but between ye and Mr. Squidward, I had no choice.

Spongebob: Mr. Krabs, I. Am. Honored! To help usher in a whole new era in the history of the Krusty Krab!

Mr. Krabs: Don't get to ahead of yerself, boy. We still have to...trim the fat.

Spongebob: Trim the fat, sir? But what about the Krabby Patties?

Mr. Krabs: Not the patties, boy! "Administratively" speaking.

Spongebob: I'm not quite following your lead here, sir.

Mr. Krabs. Grrrrrr, it's Mr. Squidward. He's threatening me with a lawsuit if I don't provide him with some workers comp. Can ye believe it?! That no good eel in the coral wants me to pay for his mistake!

Spongebob: *gasps* We should be paying you!

Mr. Krabs: Aye, lad! This lawsuit could ruin me and me restaurant! Which is why I want to "deal" with Squidward now.

Spongebob: Right now?

Mr. Krabs: Yes, right nooooow. The fate of the Krusty Krab is at stake! I need you to send him into me office, lad. I'll take care of business there.

Spongebob: Aye aye, Mr. Krabs.

Mr. Krabs heads into his office as Spongebob approaches Squidward.

Spongebob: Yoo hoooo, Squidward!

Squidward, not amused, put his Playsquid down before flashing his "I Really Wish I Weren't Here" button.

Squidward: What is it now, Spongebob? That crustaceous cheapskate has me working double-overtime with a sprained tentacle.

Spongebob: About that, Mr. Krabs wants to discuss some business with you in his office.

Squidward: I knew Eugene would come around sooner or later. Out of the way, Spongebob. I have history to make.

Squidward strolls on over to Mr. Krab's office with a big smile on his face. He shuts the door behind him as Spongebob tries to listen in from the kitchen window, flipping those patties to nonchalantly cover his eavesdropping. All that could be heard was a brief yelp and a "SPLAT" before the office fell into dead silence. Mr. Krabs exits his office, letting out a loud of sigh of relief.

Mr. Krabs: Aaaahhh, the deed is done.

Krabs takes a slightly bloody Krusty Krew hat out of his pocket and places it on Spongebob's head alongside the hat he is currently wearing.

Mr. Krabs: How does Head Fry Cook and Cashier sound, Mr. Squarepants?

Spongebob: I don't know what to say! I'm speechless! But what happened to Squidward?

Mr. Krabs: He went out...to...run some errands. Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar!

Krabs casually strolled back into his office, still laughing as he does so, leaving Spongebob to take in the excitement his promotion has brought him. Krabs would later stuff something into the freezer, and business went on as usual.
 
Did you make that poster yourself?? =O

That is just about better than.....well than anything I've attempted =O
 
Never got around to reading this there, but it does look good.
 
Chapter II: Whale of a Tale

One day, Spongebob Squarepants was working the register, taking orders before heading out back into the kitchen to serve up those said orders. Mr. Krabs was observing the joy his food brings to his not-so valued customers and all the profit that it rakes in.

Tom: Do you have change for this dollar?

Spongebob: Would you like four quarters? Or ten dimes? Or twenty nickels? Or one-hundred pennies?! Or-

Mr. Krabs: What in Neptune's name are ye doin', lad! You're throwing away all me money!

Tom: I just want some chan-

Mr. Krabs: We don't do change here, bub! So why don't ye get lost and scram!

Tom: This is going on my Yelp.

Obviously too old to know what this Yelp is, Mr. Krabs consults his Head Cashier & Fry Cook.

Mr. Krabs: What's this Yelp that land lubber was blabbering on about?

Spongebob: Perhaps it was that sound that Squidward made before he went off on his errands. Or that website where everyone's a critic.

Mr. Krabs: What? He'll slander me restaurant! We have to do something, boy!

Spongebob: What should we do, Mr. Krabs?! The fate of the Krusty Krab is at stake!

Mr. Krabs: Send him into me office. I'll take care of the rest.

Krabs retreats into his office as Spongebob chases after Tom before he could leave the premises.

Spongebob: Excuse me, sir! Mr. Krabs feels bad about sounding of on you like that. He'd like to...give you...some...complimentary...chocolate.

Tom: Did you just say...chocolate?

Spongebob: Yeah.

Tom: Sweet, decadent, chocolatey, bubbly fat CHOCOLATE?

Spongebob: Ooooh yeah.

Tom: CHOCOLATE!

This entices Tom to barge right into Krab's office as the door slams shut behind him. All that could be heard was a brief yelp then a SPLAT before the office fell into dead silence. Eugene casually strolled out before letting out a sigh of relief.

Mr. Krabs: Aaaaaah, the deed is-

Pearl: DADDY!

Mr. Krabs: Boy, I have a bad feeling in the pit of me wallet.

The ground began to quake as she got ever so closer to the Krusty Krab.

Pearl: Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!

Mr. Krabs: We're about to take in water, Mr. Squarepants!

Krabs rushed to the glass window to see how close she was, about 30 feet and counting.

Mr. Krabs: Ah! Mother of Pearl! Water in the poop deck!

And suddenly, she came bursting in through the swinging glass doors. Pearl Krabs, about 16-years old and daughter of the sole proprietor of the Krusty Krab, Eugene H. Krabs. We don't really know who her mother is and I think I speak for us all in that we don't really care.

Pearl: Daddy! I need some money for the prom!

Mr. Krabs: Money? But I just gave ye a ten cent raise in yer bi-monthly allowance!

Pearl: Dad, you are so not coral. You're penny pinching is embarrassing me!

Pearl cries her father a river, causing all sorts of property damage in and around the restaurant.

Spongebob: We're taking in water, Mr. Krabs!

Mr. Krabs: We need to do something, Spongebob! The damages and prom expenses will cost me loads of money! Send her into me office. I'll sort her out.

And with that, Krabs swam all the way into his office, leaving our playful sponge to get Pearl to follow suit.

Spongebob: Pearl!

Krabs listens in from the confines of his office, feeling conflicted about what he's about to do.

Mr. Krabs: Go easy on her lad, I don't wanna have to go breakin' her poor little heart.

Spongebob: Your father needs to have a word with you.

Pearl immediately stops crying as the flooding starts to subside.

Pearl: Okay

She begins skipping towards her father's office, undoubtedly triggering a few tsunamis with each skip she takes.

Mr. Krabs: Ooooh! Why does it have to be this way?!

In the midst of his slightly pansy breakdown, Krabs takes a good, hard look at the man in the mirror before composing himself and putting on a straight face.

Mr. Krabs: It's fer the best.

Pearl prances into his office, letting the door shut close behind her. A brief cry is heard as the sound of a SPLAT follows. Eugene nonchalantly exits his office before letting out a sigh of relief.

Mr. Krabs: Aaaaah, the deed is done =)

Spongebob: Sir, it absolutely pains me to say that the Krabby Patties got drenched during the flood. I'm sorry I let you down.

Mr. Krabs: Don't worry, me boy! We have plenty of meat to last us until next year! And the best thing is, it's free of charge! Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar!

Later that day, Krabs hoisted two more loads into the freezer, and business went on as usual.
 
Completely forgot about this


Chapter III: Mommy Deadest

One day, Eugene H. Krabs, sole proprietor of the Krusty Krab, was counting the money in the cash register for about the umpteenth time in order to further glorify his immense wealth. Takes a wad of cash and places it under his stringy nose, inhaling the money's fragrance like it's no one's business, and it ain't. Spongebob Squarepants, Head Fry Cook & Cashier, is working tirelessly in the Krusty Krab kitchen getting the orders ready for the lunch rush.

Mr. Krab: Ye know, lad. Nothing is better than the feeling of greed.

Spongebob: TRIPLE KRABBY PATTY SUPREME!

Mr. Krabs: It just warms me heart to know that I'll be puttin' all this money to much better use. Give each and every dollar and cent the respect they each so rightfully deserve.

Spongebob: Did somebody order a Triple Krabby Patty Supreme?

Mr. Krabs: AYE, which one of ye lily livered polliwogs order a Triple Krabby Patty Supreme?! We have to keep with orders and time is money!

???: EUGENE!

Mr. Krabs: *gulp* Mommy?

Mama Krabs: You know better than to use that tone with me, young man!

Mr. Krabs: I'm sorry, Mommy. I didn't knew ye would be here.

Mama Krabs: Perhaps if ye called yer mother once in a while, we wouldn't be havin' this problem!

Mr. Krabs: How about I get ye a free glass of water.

Mama Krabs was not pleased.

Mr. Krabs: A dozen free glasses of water!

Mama Krabs: It's ever so good to know that I mean so little to me only son. And where is me darlin' angel, Pearl?

Mr. Krabs: She left tooooo...run some errands!

Eugene was sweating profusely after having pulled that excuse out of his tail fin.

Mama Krabs: Ye work that girl too hard, Eugene! I had half a mind to make ye swab the deck everyday back when ye were a lad.

Mr. Krabs: What do ye want, mother? Surely there must be somethin' that tickles yer fancy. Say it and it's yer's.

Mama Krabs: Well, I did see the most prettiest hat toda-

Having a bad feeling in the pit of his wallet, Eugene thought fast and stuffed all the money he had on him into Spongebob's mouth.

Mr. Krabs: Will ye look at that. It appears I can't buy ye that hat today because Spongebob ATE me wallet!

Mama Krabs: Eugene! I'm be not fallin' fer that one again. If ye want to be so cheap about it than ye should just tell me instead of breakin' me poor old heart. But luckily fer ye, I have another man in me life. One who would drop everything all together just to make me happy.

Mr. Krabs: Another man?! Who?

Mama Krabs: He's just the sweetest little ting, he is. And a very nice eye to boot.

Mr. Krabs: Puh-Lankton!?!??!

Mama Krabs: Aye, lad, aye. <3

Mr. Krabs: But mommy, he's me mortal enemy! He'd stop at nothin' to wrestle away me formuler from me big meaty claws!

Mama Krabs: People change, Eugene! Although I can't quite say the same about ye. He's takin' me to dinner here, tonight.

Mr. Krabs: WHUUUUUUT?! Mother, are ye tryin' to ruin me restaurant by bringin' that, that BARNACLE here! I forbid ye from seein' that bad man!

Mama Krabs: Ye can't tell me who I can or can't see, Eugene! And if ye keep this up, I'll have ye sent to yer room for the rest of the night!

Mr. Krabs: No mommy, please! Don't see that bad man, I beg of ya!

Mama Krabs: Into yer office.

Mr. Krabs: But-

Mama Krabs: Now!

Defeated and emasculated by his mother yet again, Eugene H. Krabs heads back into his office with his head down but takes the time to whisper something to his loyal employee.

Mr. Krabs: See me in me office.

About fifteen minutes later, Spongebob ventures into old man Krab's office in order to discuss some business.

Spongebob: You wanted to see me, Mr. Krabs.

Krabs is looking over his fireplace as he contemplates doing something he doesn't really want to do.

Mr. Krabs: Aye lad, it's me other. She asks me fer me money left and right and she's bringin' that little barnacle, Plankton, here on a date tonight.

Spongebob: Aww, a date?

Mr. Krabs: There's nothin' to be in awe in here, boy! She could very well ruin me restaurant by letting that bottom feeder seduce the formuler right from under her!

Spongebob: I don't think your mother would give up your secret family recipe so easily, sir.

Mr. Krabs: Ye don't know me mother, lad. She be willin' to do anythin' for the sake of gettin' someone into her bloomers. We need to do somethin' about this, Spongebob. The fate of the Krusty Krab is at stake!

Spongebob: *gasps* What do you suggest we do, Mr. Krabs?

Mr. Krabs: Send her into me office. It's time I stood up to that ungrateful mother of mine and tell her that this is me restaurant! And it's either gonna be my way or the highway!

Spongebob: You can do it, Mr. Krabs!

Mr. Krabs: Aye lad! Now step to it, or else you'll get the boot! And it's very stinky, and ye would have to wear it all day.

Spongebob: Aye aye, Mr. Krabs!

Spongebob marched out and approached Mrs. K, telling her that her son would like to see her in his office in order to apologize for his rather unruly behavior earlier.

Mama Krabs: I could never stay mad at that Eugene. I'm so glad that he's learnin' to compromise for once.

Spongebob: A mother and son shouldn't be fighting, Mrs. Krabs. Now go to him, he needs you.

Mama Krabs walks over to Eugene's office and opens the door.

Mama Krabs: Eugene? What are you doing with my bloomers?

The door shut closed behind Mama Krabs. All that could be heard was a loud "YEOW" followed by a cracking sound. The office then fell into dead silence. Mr. Krabs nonchalantly exited his captain's quarters and breathed a sigh of relief.

Mr. Krabs: Aaaaah, the deed is done. =)

Spongebob: How did she take it, sir?

Mr. Krabs: Lad, let's just say me mother finally knows about the importance of family. Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar! But there's still be a small problem we have to deal with, boy. Pray follow, Spongebob. The Krusty Krab is stayin' open late tonight.

Krabs would later throw another load into the freezer, and business went on as usual.
 
May as well treat ya with 3 chapters, since I've been finished with this for almost a year anyway.

Chapter IV: PLANKTON! KRABS! Spongebob.

Later that night, Eugene H. Krabs, sole proprietor of the Krusty Krab, and Spongebob Squarepants, Head Fry Cook & Cashier, have made the Krusty Krab out to be a fancy restaurant in order to lull Krab's nemesis, Sheldon J. Plankton, into a false sense of security.

Spongebob: Mr. Krabs, do you really think this is gonna work?

Mr. Krabs: Aye lad, why back durin' me days in the Navy, the didn't call me ole Iron Abs Krabs fer nothin'! Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar!

Spongebob: I don't get it.

Mr. Krabs: Laugh wit me or yer fired.

Spongebob: DAHAAhAAHAAHAA! DAHAHAHAHA! DAHA-

Mr. Krabs: Get back to work!

Just then, Mr. Krabs' super sniffer kicked in, catching onto the stench of Plankton from across the street, wearing a red rose that obscures his minuscule body.

Mr. Krabs: He be a-comin', boy! We need to get into place! Remember lad, fine dinin' and sheathin'!

Spongebob: Aye aye, Mr. Krabs!

Mr. Krabs: At ease, ya little yellla guy. Now, I need to get into costume.

Krabs enters his office and immediately comes back out with a wig and dressed in his mother's clothing from earlier.

Spongebob: Hohoho! Looking good, Mr. Krabs! How did you get some of your mother's clothes anyway?

Mr. Krabs: Details, Spongebob. Who needs em'? I'll be at the table, you bring him over and I'll take care of the rest. Don't mess this up. The future of the Krusty Krab is at stake!

Spongebob: I will never let you down, sir.

Mr. Krabs: That little ::dolphin noise:: won't know what hit em. Ar Ar Ar Ar!

Plankton reaches the entrance of the Krusty Krab and approaches Spongebob, who is idly standing by waiting to assist. Spongebob tries his hand at speaking the best French accent he could muster.

Spongebob: Good evening, sir. Welcome to Chez Krab. Do you have a reservation?

Plankton: Why yes, Sheldon J. Plankton, table for two. I have a "date" here waiting for me, who I do not want to keep waiting any longer.

Spongebob: Ah yes. Right this way, monsieur.

Spongebob escorts Plankton to his table, where Krabs lies in wait, obscuring his face with a dinner menu.

Spongebob: Madame, I present to you, your date.

Plankton takes off his rose as Krabs puts down his menu, revealing his disguise by merely putting on his mother's slightly broken glasses.

Plankton: You're even more beautiful in person, angel.

Krabs tries mustering up the best imitation of his mother he could possibly pull off which shouldn't be that hard considering they shared the same voice actor during her first appearance on the show.

Mr. Krabs: I think ye kindly. I wish I can say the same about ye, but me poor old eyes can't quite pinpoint the location.I hope yer body compensates a for a lil somethin' somethin'. Ar Ar Ar Ar!

Plankton: Uh, yeah, I...uh, EXCUSE ME! I can't reach my silverware!

Spongebob: I'm terribly sorry, Monsuier.

Spongebob proceeds to lay down a stack of phonebooks on his chair so Plankton can still reach his rather large silverware.

Spongebob: Would you like snails, water, hand job?

Plankton: Pardon me?

Spongebob: Water, monsieur?

Plankton: Why yes, that sounds refreshing.

Spongebob takes his leave to fetch the drinks as Krabs continues to lull Plankton into a false sense of security.

Mr. Krabs: Why don't ye tell me more about yeself. You sound like such a loser.

Plankton: Excuse me?

Mr. Krabs: A fascinating individual. You sound like such a fascinating individual.

Plankton: Believe you and me, my dear. I am all that and much, much more.

Mr. Krabs: I wouldn't bet on it.

Plankton: I beg your pardon?

Mr. Krabs You don't say!

Plankton: My hearing must be as my eyesight.

Mr. Krabs: Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar!

Plankton: Changing subject here, I run my own business. I'm a restauranteur, so to speak.

Mr. Krabs: So you speak? What's it called?

Plankton: Oh, it's just a little place. It's called the Chum Bucket.

Mr. Krabs: Never heard of it.

Plankton: But, it's right across the street.

Mr. Krabs: Doesn't ring a bell.

Plankton: There's an ad for it on the back of the phonebook.

Mr. Krabs: Phonebooks? Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar! Who uses those old things nowadays?

Plankton: Come on, you must've heard something. I paid plenty of money for that ad!

Mr. Krabs: Wait, isn't it the home of the world famous...?

Plankton: My, I wouldn't go so far as to say it's world famous, but it is quite delicious, it's called the Sloppy-

Mr. Krabs: Krabby Patty?

Plankton: No, it's home would be here.

Mr. Krabs: Me son runs this restaurant on his own, don't ya know?

Plankton: Yes, I know it all to well, my dear.

Spongebob: Monsieur, Madame. Chez Krab proudly presents to you, your dinner.

The lights dim as the food is all brought out in song and dance. Krabs is fuming at the thought of how much this display may cost him.

Mr. Krabs: Grrrrrr, Spongebob! I'm gonna kill you!

Plankton: It is a beautiful display, isn't it?!

Once the plates have been placed on the table, Krabs decides on wrapping this up sooner so that the costs won't be higher than it already is.

Mr. Krabs: You know, Shelly. Why don't we skip dinner and get straight to dessert.

Plankton: Dessert? You don't say?

Mr. Krabs: I'll be in the captain's quarters. Me son isn't here, so we'll have it all to ourselves.

Spongebob: Care for some coffee, Madame?

Mr. Krabs: Hot coffee, young man.

Plankton: Hotdog!

Mr. Krabs: Don't keep me waiting.

Krabs strolls on over into his office in order to lure Plankton to his doom. Plankton is overcome with excitement.

Plankton: Oh my, not only do I get the formula but I get to have a one night stand with Krab's mother AND in his own office! Sheldon, this is your lucky day. Waiter, do you happen to have some wares that, you know, enhances things...in bed.

Spongebob: Does a booster accommodate to your likings, monsieur?

Plankton: Booster seat? Hot dog! Have it sent in. Uh, how do I look?

Spongebob: Monsieur, you look...FABULOUS! Now get in there, tiger!

Plankton: I never felt so powerful, so alive! Can we stop?

Spongebob: No, silly! That's how you're supposed to feel!

Plankton: Well, I like it. Let's do it!

Spongebob: In there, you animal!

Plankton excitedly runs into Mr. Krab's office.

Plankton: I'm here, my little crab cake!

The door shuts close behind Plankton.

Plankton: KRABS! What are you-GOOD GRIEF HE'S NAKED!!! You can't do this to me, I want to college!

All that could be heard from there was a brief SPLAT before the office fell into dead silence. Krabs nonchalantly waltzes out, naked, before breathing a sigh of relief.

Mr. Krabs: Aaaah, the deed is done. =)

Spongebob: How did Plankton take it, sir?

Mr. Krabs: Well, me lad. Let's just say Plankton won't be harassin' us ever again. Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar!

Spongebob: That's not entirely inconspicuous.

Mr. Krabs: It ain't. I'm just glad he's gone! Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar!

Krabs would later be seen picking something off the floor with a piece of toilet paper and flushed it down the toilet, and business went on as usual.

One day, Eugene H. Krabs, sole proprietor of the Krusty Krab, was listening to some Dubstep in his office while counting the money in his vault like he usually does all day, everyday. He beeps and hoops to the beat as flaunts his immense wealth. Out at the register, Spongebob Squarepants, Head Fry Cook & Cashier, keeps the money in check to his boss' content. Spongebob foolishly drops all the coins in the register onto the ground, which is loud enough for Krabs to hear as he storms out to tend to his babies. Spongebob scurries to pick them all up but Krabs knocks him out of the way, causing the coins to hit the floor again before picking them all up, himself.

Mr. Krabs: Don't worry, daddy's here! What in Neptune's name were you doin', lad! You gone and soiled em'!

Spongebob: SOILED IT! SOILED IT! SOILED IT!

Mr. Krabs: I gotcha!

Krabs takes his spare change and takes them to the sink to wash them all out, but get his big meaty claw stuck in the drain and pulls his groin, gushing blood everywhere.

Mr. Krabs: ME BIG MEATY CLAW!

Spongebob: Oh no, not again.

The EMTs arrived to escort Krabs to Weenie Hut General, but Krabs had something to tell Spongebob before he left.

Mr. Krabs: Lad, you're in charge of the Krusty Krab while I'm gone. Don't do anything I wouldn't do, boy...or I'll kill ye.

And with those words, Krabs made his dramatic exit.

Spongebob: Mr. Krabs, I. Will. Not. LET YOU DOWN!

Spongebob gets down on all fours and proceeds to do some push-ups.

Spongebob: Krusty KRAB! Krusty KRAB! Krusty KRAB!

And just then, a large, ominous, bloated figure swung open the glass doors and plopped his way into the establishment. Spongebob breaks his arms from trying to support himself as he cant help but gasp at this looming figure.

Spongebob: Bubble Bass.

Bubble Bass: Squarepants.

Spongebob: I hear you're...kind of an asshole.

Bubble Bass: I hear you...wear false eyelashes.

Spongebob: Who told you that?!- I mean, can I take your order?

Bubble Bass: I'll take a double triple bossy deluxe, on a raft, 4x4 animal style, extra shingles with the shimmy and a squeeze, light axle grease, make it cry, burn it, and let it swim.

Spongebob: Animal style? What do you plan on doing with your food, sir?

Bubble Bass: It's what it says on the tin, Squarepants. So make it, I don't pay it.

Knowing Krabs would kill him if a customer came and went without even eating, or worse, paying. Spongebob heads to the back and throws a regular patty together, because why not. Bubble ::dolphin noise:: may not even be able to taste the difference. Meanwhile, at Weenie Hut Jr., Krabs, who doesn't qualify for Obamacare, is placed in front of the soda machine to help save some money. Suddenly, green smoke engulfs the hall and the Flying Dutchman makes his presence known, waking Krabs from his pain-induced coma.

Flying Dutchman: Eugene H. Krabs! I have come for you!

Mr. Krabs: NOOO! This must be a mistake! I'm not Eugene Krabs!

Flying Dutchman: You're not Eugene H. Krabs, sole proprietor of the Krusty Krabs?

Mr. Krabs: Of course I'm not, and I be damn well sure of it! About as sure as I know ye ain't Bill Murray's brother.

Flying Dutchman: Yer lucky I ain't makin' ye walk the plank fer that!

Mr. Krabs: My name's Harold, um, Flower! Harold Flower, yes!

Flying Dutchman: My apologies, Mr. Flower. I'll leave ye to the the rest of yer life.

The Dutchman waltzes on over to the nurse's desk and asks for the location of Eugene H, Krabs. Krabs can only sweat in fear as he's retrained to his life support.

Flying Dutchman: Excuse me, ma'am. I'm looking for a Eugene Krabs.

Nurse: Oh, he's right down the hall there.

Flying Dutchman: Oho no, no. That's Harold Flower.

Nurse: Harold Flower? lols.

The Dutchman blasts back into the hall, not amused at almost being duped like that.

Flying Dutchman: SO, ye think ye can dupe the Flying Dutchman like that, eh?! Eugene H. Krabs, fer that, ye be takin' a trip to Davy Jones' locker!

Mr. Krabs: But why Me, oh great Flying Dutchman?! Take me mother instead, she doesn't have much else to live fer!

Flying Dutchman: I have already taken her, like I've taken yer daughter, mortal enemy and employee! It's time ye answered fer yer crimes, Krabs! And I be yer judge, jury and executioner!

Mr. Krabs: NOOO! Please, don't take me away from me money. It's all I got left and I'm all they have left! I'll change me ways! Yo HO! Yo HO! Kill another soul, I will never go! Sailor's promise. Please, I BEG OF YE! Have mercy!

Flying Dutchman: Enough! Ye have a second chance at redemption.

Mr. Krabs: Really?

Flying Dutchman: No, I haven't shown mercy in OVER 9000 YEARS: Muahahahahah!

And with that, Flying Dutchman drags Krabs to hell in order to place him into Davy Jones locker. Meanwhile, back at the Krusty Krab, Bubble devours his heart attack on a bun as Spongebob stands by to see if he has something snide to say.

Bubble Bass: It's pretty good...but you for got one thing, YOU DIDN'T MAKE IT CRY! Ehehehehehe! Ehehehehe!

Spongebob: But I-I, swore I did!

Spongebob takes the patty and throws it on the ground, picking it apart, breaking down as he does so.

Spongebob: Cry! Cry! Why aren't you crying?!

Bubble Bass: At least something's crying. It looks like YOU LOSE.

Spongebob: Don't cry, don't-don't cry! Whatever you do, Spongebob, don't...WAAAAH!

Bubble Bass: I'll take my refund now, as per your guarantee.

Spongebob knows Krabs would kill him if he found out they actually had to give a refund, but our playful sponge had no choice and had to honor the guarantee. Because through this all, at least we know the Krusty Krab has some honor. Bubble Bass takes his money and make his leave, lauding and panting as he plops on out of there. Spongebob can only cradle into fetal position at this terrible turn of events. The fate of the Krusty Krab was at stake under his watch and he let it down...and most of all, he let you down, precious little Krabby Patty, and business didn't go on as usual.

The Dutchman has transported himself andMr. Krabs to the bowels of the underworld, where there lies Davy Jones' Locker. Krabs makes one last attempt to save his tail fin.

Mr. Krabs: Please Mr. Flying Dutchman, sir! I implore ye! Think about what yer about to do! At me restaurant, I'll guarantee ye a free glass of water!

The Dutchman levitates ever so closer to the locker's door.

Mr. Krabs: A DOZEN FREE GLASSES OF WATER! NOOOOUUOOOO!

The Dutchman goes to unlock the locker, holding Krabs in his other hand, and takes the time to chastise old man Krabs some more.

Flying Dutchman: It's time ye pay fer yer crimes, Krabs: Welcome, to DAVY JONES' LOCKER!! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!

And with that, the locker door swings open and the Dutchman drags ::dolphin noise:: and Krabs inside, the locker door slamming shut behind them. All that could be heard was an "AOOOH" before a loud SPLAT echoed in the locker before it fell into dead silence. Krabs nonchalantly makes his way out of Davy Jones' Locker and breathes a sigh of relief.

Mr. Krabs: iAaaaaah. The deed is done. =) But how in Neptune's name am I gonna git meself outta boogeyland!?

???: Cheer up sleepy Eugene!

Mr. Krabs: What the barnacle?

Krabs peers inside the locker and sees Davy Jones of The Monkees dancing and singing to himself.

Davy Jones: Oh what can it mean TO A day dream believer and the HOMEcoming QUEEEEEEEN!

Mr. Krabs: Aye lad! I will git meself outta here and back to me restaurant. Even if it kills me! But even I still think this schtick is wee bit too soon.

And with that, Krabs leaves Davy Jones to do whatever it is he does inside a locker. Meanwhile, back at the Krusty Krab, Spongebob has let joint fall into a state of disarray after having his spirit broken by Bubble Bass.

Spongebob: Krust-Krusty...Krab, p-pizza...is. The. Pizza, yeah...

Krabs has found his way back and barges into the establishment to once again take the reigns but is shocked to see various items such as eggs, toast and underwear nailed to the walls.

Mr. Krabs: HUUUH MOTHER OF PEARL! GRRRR! SPONGEBOB GIT OUT HERE!

Spongebob peers in quarter way through the kitchen door.

Mr. Krabs: MOAR!

Spongebob shifts over halfway past the door.

Mr. Krabs: All the way, boy!

Spongebob walks out backwards towards Mr. Krabs with Mama Krab's bloomers on his head.

Spongebob: Mr. Krabs, hello. Do you how do?

Mr. Krabs: What happened to me restaurant, lad?! Ye be more trouble than yer worth!

Spongebob: Can't quite think straight since because crying.

Mr. Krabs: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr, git back to work!

Spongebob heads back into the kitchen.

Mr. Krabs: The stress of havin' tah work both the grill and register must be takin' it's toll on the poor lad. What a baby.

A large, ominous figure enters the premises, panting and breathing heavily with each step he takes.

Bubble Bass: I hear Krabs is back.

Mr. Krabs: And ye are?

Bubble Bass approaches the counter to place an order.

Bubble Bass: I'll take a double triple bossy deluxe, on a raft, 4x4 animal style, extra shingles with the shimmy and a squeeze, light axle grease, make it cry, burn it, and let it swim.

Mr. Krabs: The ::dolphin noise:: are ye talkin' about, lad?

Spongebob: It's alright, I already got it Mr. Kra- huh! Bubble Bass.

Bubble Bass knocks Krabs to the side.

Bubble Bass: Squarepants.

Spongebob: Here ya go! =)

Bubble Bass takes his order and takes it to his ear, flipping through it to make sure it's just right before taking a big ole bite out of it.

Bubble Bass: Still no pickles! See.

And Bubble Bass gives them the common courtesy to see for themselves once the patty makes it through his digestive tract. After four hours of waiting to see, Krabs realizes this second botched order could jeopardize the Krusty Krab name, but he can't lose his best fry cook. The wheels in his begin turning. He knows what must be done.

Mr. Krabs: Mr. Bubble Bass. I be terribly sorry about me employee's inability to prepare for ye a CORRECT full and hearty meal. Please, come to me office so we can discuss the terms of yer refund.

Bubble Bass : Once again, it appears you have lost the game, Squarepants. EHEHEHEHEHE! EHEHEHEHEHE! EHEHEHEHEHEHE!

Eugene H. Krabs, sole proprietor of the Krusty Krab, leads Bubble Bass into his office, shutting the door close behind them. All that could be heard was a brief pant and a SPLAT before the room fell into dead silence. Krabs nonchalantly waltzes out of his office and breathes a sigh of relief.

Mr. Krabs: Aaaaah, the deed is done. =) Me boy, we won't be receiving anymore complaints from yella-bellied polliwog anytime soon. It seems he had the pickles tucked away under his tongue.

Krabs takes the pickles out and gives Spongebob a reassuring wink.

Spongebob: How did you ever spot that out, sir?

Mr. Krabs: They don't call me ole Iron Abs Krabs fer nothin'. Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar!

Spongebob: I don't get it, sir.

Mr. Krabs: Laugh wit me boy or yer fired.

Spongebob: DAHAHAHAHAA! DAHAHAHAHAHAA! DAHAH-

Mr. Krabs: Git back to work! But before ye do, Spongebob, seein' ye break under pressure like that, it just gives me a bad feelin' in the pit of me wallet. I think it's fer the best that-

Spongebob: Mr. Krabs, please I work weels under-

Mr. Krabs: I hire someone else to work the register. It's not just you, moreso than me. I just can't have ye goin' off the boat like that again. It's just NOT HIP, it ain't CORAL! It's, it's, losin' money!

Spongebob: I-I understand, Mr. Krabs.

Mr. Krabs: it's just making Krabby Patties is more your strong suit, is all and I can't have anything gettin' in the way of me money flow. I'm ye understand, boy, but it's for the best.

Spongebob goes back to the kitchen to make Krabs his sammiches and Krabs sets up post at the register as temporary cashier. Krabs would later be seen hoisting another heavy load into the freezer, and business went on as usual.
 
Gonna churn out three chapters each til the end of the story, since there's really not much left anyway. Enjoy!

Chapter VII: A Date with the Health Inspector

One day, Mr. Krabs, sole proprietor of the Krusty Krab, was manning the cash register as his head fry cook, Spongebob Squarepants worked the grill like no one's business. Mr. Krab's super sniffer activated as he catches wind of the coming presence of a dark, dark force.

Mr. Krabs: Grrrrr, Spongebob git out here!

Spongebob: Yes, Mr. Krabs?

Mr. Krabs: I be catchin' whiff a smell, as smelly smell. A smell the likes of which can only be emanating from-

Krab's eyes widen as he guesses who's coming over for dinner.

Mr. Krabs. The health inspector.

Spongebob: Come again, sir?

Mr. Krabs: THE HEALTH INSPECTOR!!

Spongebob: The health, the health, th-the HEALTH INSPECTOR?!

Mr. Krabs: Aye, lad! If we don't act now, he could very well ruin me restaurant!

Spongebob: What should we do, Mr. Krabs?

Mr. Krabs: We? What's this "we" business ye be spittin', boy?! You are goin' to ensure him the meal of his life!

Spongebob: And what you gonna do?

Mr. Krabs: That scoundrel is gonna be checkin' up on every nook and cranny in this establishment, and I have some..."dirty meat" that needs to be disposed of in the freezer. Now git back to work, boy! The fate of the Krusty Krab is at stake!

Spongebob: Aye aye, captain!

Spongebob flips that meat while Mr. Krabs attempts to dispose of the "dirty meat" in the freezer, which pretty much takes up the entire freezer. Krabs covered all the "meat" in trash bags to conceal his misdeeds. He manages to stuff Squidward, Tom and his mother's bodies into the trunk of his boat mobile, but Pearl and Bubble Bass are a different story. Not wanting to have to make multiple trips since it would be time consuming, he realizes that he may need Spongebob's help. He hurries back into the restaurant with a shovel in hand.

Mr. Krabs: Spongebob, I need ye to help me, boy!

Spongebob: With what, sir?

Mr. Krabs: The meat, the dirty meat. Turns out it's a two man job, are ye in, lad?

Spongebob: Anything to ensure the sanctity of the Krusty Krab, sir!

Mr. Krabs: That's the spirit, ye lil yella freak! Pray follow!

Krabs takes Spongebob out back (steakhouse) and shows him the load he's trying to dispose.

Spongebob: I never realized we had this much dirty meat.

Mr. Krabs: aye, it be a dirty but somebody's gotta do it.

Krabs throws Spongebob the shovel.

Mr. Krabs: Well, here ye go.

Spongebob: What do you want me to do with this?

Mr. Krabs: They ain't gonna be fittin' in me car and we can't just dump them in the trash. I need ye to bury these bod- I mean, "dirty meat". The fate of-

Spongebob lifts the shovel high into the air with great power.

Spongebob: THE KRUSTY KRAB IS AT STAKE!

Mr. Krabs: Atta boy, lad!

Spongebob: What are you gonna do, sir?

Mr. Krabs: I'm gonna give that legless tad pool the meal of his life!

Spongebob: Ahalright, Mr. Krabs!

Spongebob goes to high five him but Krabs doesn't respond with a tired look on his face.

Mr. Krab: Git back to work, Mr. Squarepants.

Krabs leaves Spongebob to dispose of the dirty meat and heads back into the restaurant in order to concoct the most diabolical Krabby Patty known to fish, fearing the worse if his plans were to go awry. He throws some botulinum, anthrax, ricin, cyanide, sarin, strychnine, amatoxin, sugar, spice and everything nice, but Mr. Krabs accidentally added an extra ingredient to the concoction...CHEMICAL X, thus, the Nasty Patty was born! Suddenly, the glass doors swung and in came a man dressed in a blue suit and matching hat. He had a clipboard in hand. Krabs knew this man all too well.

Mr. Krabs: Arrr, the health inspector.

Krabs put on his smiley face as the inspector makes his way to the counter.

Mr. Krabs: Welcome to the Krusty Krab! Home of the world famous (pause) KRABBY PATTY! May I take your order?

Health Inspector: Are you Eugene H. Krabs, sole proprietor of the Krusty Krabs.

Mr. Krabs: That's what they call me in every episode, yes!

Health Inspector: Ah, goo. Good.

The health inspector begins jotting notes onto his steno pad next to the crudely drawn doodles of penises ala Superbad.

Health Inspector: This place looks to be in order. I'll just need a simple Krabby Patty and I'll be finished with my inspection.

Krabs begins contemplating against giving the inspector the tainted patty.

Health Inspector: It's a good thing we health inspector get to eat all this food for free, but hey, it all comes with the territory I suppose, eh? I'll have that patty well done, by the way.

Mr. Krabs: Really? Er, I mean, of course, of course!

Krabs takes out the Nasty Patty from the toilet and dries it with his mother's bloomers.

Mr. Krabs: Here ye go! I made it especially well done, just for ye.

Health Inspector: Hello delicious. Come to papa!

The health inspector begins to devour the sinister sandwich whole, much to Krab's delight. The poisons start taking their toll as the inspector starts spazzing out uncontrollably before dropping to the floor.

Mr. Krabs: Aaaah, the deed is done. =)

Krabs would later hoist another load into the freezer, and business went on as usual...until the cops arrived.

Chapter VIII: Look At That Bacon Sizzle

As Mr. Krabs, sole proprietor of the Krusty Krab, exited the freezer after storing away his load, he heard the glass doors swing open and hurried to the kitchen window in order to see who it was. To his utter dismay, it was the fuzz. Officers and John and Nancy strolled into the establishment, soaking wet from the rain that is pouring outside. Krabs realized this could come to bite him in his tail fin, so he quickly made his way out in order to accommodate them.

Mr. Krabs: WELCOME! Welcome to the Krusty Krab, home of the world famous (pause) Krabby Patty! What can I do ye, two of Bikini Bottom's finest, for?!

Officer John: 69 those Patties, Krabs. We've just received reports about two stiffs conducting some shady dealings over by Shallow Grave Road.

Mr. Krabs: Ye want me to do wha- I mean, YES! YES! Right away, we be proud to serve the boys in blue!

Officer Nancy: Ahem.

Mr. Krabs: Gesundheit! Take a seat, kick yer feet up and relax while I go check on the kitchen! BRB!

Krabs leaves the two officers at the counter before heading out back to check up on Spongebob. He sees Spongebob walking back from down the road with the "dirty meat" nowhere to be found.

Mr. Krabs: Grrrrrrr, SPONGEBOB GIT BACK HERE!

Spongebob: Yes, Mr. Krabs?

Mr. Krabs: Where the barnacle did ye bury me dirty meat?!

Spongebob: Oh, Mr. Krabs, I tried burying them, shredding them and burning them. Then I decided to just them all away to the nicest fellow over by Shallow Grave Road who said that hearts and noses are currently a hot commodity on the streets. Whatever that means!

Mr. Krabs: Aye, ye did good gettin' rid of all that dirty meat, lad. Say, did ye make profit from any of it by any chance?

Spongebob: Oh, Mr. Krabs, I tried burying it, shredding it and burning it. Then I decided to just give it all away to the Salvation Army.

Mr. Krabs: Yer gonna be the death of me, boy. But I have one more load of dirty meat fer ye to take care of immediately.

Spongebob: Immediately?

Mr. Krabs: Immediately.

Spongebob: Right now?

Mr. Krabs: Yeeees, I need ye to take care of it right NOOOOOW. The fate of the Krusty Krab is at stake!

Spongebob: Sir, I will not let you down!

Mr. Krabs: Atta boy, lad!

Krabs takes Spongebob back to the freezer, where the dirty meat laid.

Spongebob: I never realized we had THIS much dirty meat.

Mr. Krabs: It's a dirty job, but I'm sure he'd do more more dead than alive.

Spongebob: What was that, sir?

Mr. Krabs: Never mind that! I need ye to take care of this dirty meat so that the cops-AH! Mother of pearl! The cops!

Spongebob: Cops?

Mr. Krabs: Aye! It's-it's...

Krabs takes his time trying to come up with a good cover up out his ::dolphin noise::.

Mr. Krabs: They're here for....the APPETIZER!

Spongebob: The Appetizer?

Mr. Krabs: Aye lad!

Spongebob: Wait, what? We don't serve appetizers.

Mr. Krabs: Just play along or yer fired.

Spongebob: Aye aye, Captain!

They head back inside to tend to the police officers, who are taking it upon themselves to beat up on the parking meters in the parking lot with their nightsticks for whatever reason.

Mr. Krabs: Good, they distracted.

Spongebob: What are the police doing here?

Mr. Krabs: Arrrrr, they be here fer ye, lad. They heard about yer little deal down by Shallow Grave Road.

Spongebob: A deal?! Mr. Krabs, I don't want to go to *gulps* jail. You don't know what they would do to me in the big house!

Mr. Krabs: They'll rape ye, that's what they'll do.

Spongebob: Mr. Krabs! Will you hold me?!

Mr. Krabs: Snap outta it, boy! Just as long you play cool and follow along, yer gonna be fine, I promise ye.

The officers re-enter the premises, putting their nightsticks away.

Officer John: Job well done, Officer Nancy.

Officer Nancy: We're only making Bikini Bottom a better place, one crooked parking meter at a time.

Officer John: Did you 69 those patties, Krabs?

Spongebob: What?

Mr. Krabs: Ye heard them, boy! Time is money!

Krabs throws Spongebob into the kitchen in order to 69 those patties.

Officer Nancy: I want a soda.

Mr. Krabs: Here ye go! Always willin' to serve the boys in blue!

Officer Nancy: Ahem.

Mr. Krabs: Bless ye. Aye, must be a lil bug flying around. Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar!

Officer Nancy: Hey, there's no ice.

Mr. Krabs: ICE? Ice, is that what you want?! You want ice?!

Officer Nancy begins making her way to the freezer without a permit.

Officer Nancy: I'll just get it myself. Ice is in the freezer, right?

Krabs jumps in her way and slams the door shut, covering it with his big meaty body.

Mr. Krabs: We don't got any ice! ICE IS JUST A MYTH!

Officer Nancy: Stand aside. You're acting as if you've committed a murder.

Spongebob comes walking in with a plate of Krabby Patties.

Spongebob: The dirty deed has been done, Mr. Krabs. I will never make a Krabby Patty the same way again.

Mr. Krabs: It was all Spongebob's idea!

Spongebob: Hey, I can't help it if that's what they ordered! Like you said, "the money is always right!"

Mr. Krabs: He was crazy! He probably would've chewed me face off too if ye haven't gotten here sooner.

Spongebob: HE WEARS CURLERS TO BED!

Mr. Krabs: THEY WERE A GIFT!

Officer John: FREEZE!

Everybody stops what they're doing.

Officer John: Did you 69 those Patties, son?

Spongebob: Yes.

Officer John: Good, good. Officer Nancy, I think our work here is done.

Officer Nancy: Just let me get some ice.

She enters the freezer, but the "dirty meat" is nowhere is to be found.

Officer Nancy: Oh, there's the ice. And you said ice was just a myth.

Mr. Krabs: What the barnacle?

Spongebob: Sir, what happened to the dirty meat?

The sounds of moaning and groaning can be heard from behind. Krab's heart stopped at the sound of it. They all turn back to see what was making the sound and catch sight of a dark figure approaching them from the kitchen.

Mr. Krabs: Run for yer lives, everyone! It's the appetizer!

Health Inspector: Hey you gu-

Officers John and Nancy proceed to beat him to death with their police issued barrel and anchor, but realize the truth when it's too late.

Officer John: Hey, this isn't the appetizer. It's just an ordinary health inspector.

Mr. Krabs: 69 those patties, boy. I have some business to take care of.

Spongebob: *sighs* Aye aye, sir.

Spongebob leaves Krabs to deal with the cops. The door shuts behind him.

Officer Nancy: Is this your idea of a joke?

Mr. Krabs: Yeeeeah, a joke! Ar Ar Ar Ar!

All that could be heard from there were two SPLATS before the freezer fell into dead silence. Krabs casually makes his way out before breathing a sigh of relief.

Mr. Krabs: Aaaaaah, the deed is done. =)

Spongebob: I 69'd those patties again, sir.

Mr. Krabs: Ye best deliver em' to the precinct, lad. Be sure to send the my regards. Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar!

Spongebob: Aye aye, Captain. Whatever you say.

And business went on as usual.

Chapter IX: Puff Daddy

One, Eugene H. Krabs, sole proprietor of the Krusty Krab, was manning the register as his former Head Cashier and current ahead Fry Cook, SpongeBob Squarepants worked that grill like it was no one's business. Krabs took the time to really inhale those dollar bills like they were a bad habit, which it kind of is to him.

Mr. Krabs: Ye know, lad, there be nothin' else in the blimey blue that I love more than money.

Spongebob: We get it, sir. You're greedy and you have a heart of gold...bars.

Mr. Krabs: Ye took the joke out of me mouth lad! Ar Ar Ar Ar!

As Krabs went to focus back on his money, something caught his eye like the hooks, THE HOOKS! And there she was, sitting on a table at the far corner of the establishment. Eating a Krabby Patty never looked so arousing for old man Krabs, whose E.D. was miraculously cured at that precise moment. Krabs began to quiver, he had shakes and fever coming on him. His innermost desires were starting to show in his, mostly his sweat. He had this urge, an urgey urge the likes of which he could barely contain in his continually precipitated trousers. Those soft blue fins he sees caressing that Krabby Patty was like sex with arms. The object of this crab's desire was a familiar fella, it was local boating school teacher and convicted felon, Mrs. Puff.

Mr. Krabs: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr, SPONGEBOB! GIT OUT HERE!

Spongebob: Yes, Mr. Krabs?

Mr. Krabs: In order to pay off the dry cleaning fer me clothes, I'm takin' it outta yer bill.

Spongebob: With pleasure, sir!

Mr. Krabs: Wait, come back! What do you know about that sweet piece of meat o'er there?

Spongebob: Mmm, Mmm, Mmm, she sure looks good, huh?

Mr. Krabs: Aye, lad!

Spongebob: The meat on that baby, you can just taste it.

Mr. Krabs: Aye!

Spongebob: I'd like to deep fry her, if you know what mean, Mr. K?

Mr. Krabs: Aye aye!

Spongebob: But it's a good thing we can make more where that came from.

Mr. Krabs: What? No, no, no! Not the patty, boy! I be talkin' about the broad holding the patty!

Spongebob: Oh. Hey, that's my boating school teacher, Mrs. Puff! Hiiiii, Mrs. Puff!!

Mrs. Puff: THR BRAKES, SPONGEBOB! USE THE BRAKES! AAAAAH!!!!

Krabs thought fast and attempted to ease the awkwardness of the situation by pulling Spongebob back into the kitchen.

Mr. Krabs: I don't need Ye startlin' her, boy!

Spongebob: My apologies, sir.

Mr. Krabs: Aaaah, she's already married.

Spongebob: I'm sorry to hear that, Mr. Krabs.

Mr. Krabs:...Not fer long she ain't. Man the ship while I'm gone, Mr. Squarepants.

Spongebob: Aye aye, captain!

And with that, Krabs took his leave. He made his way to the Puff residence and stoke the place out well into the late night hours. The Mrs. hadn't yet arrived, apparently too busy with her schoolwork, but in came another boat mobile, operated by what looks to be a male pufferfish. This was what Krabs was waiting for. It was now or never, and Krabs is obviously too cheap to waste time as he made his way out of his boat mobile. The male pufferfish made his way to the front door, unlocking it and made his way into the dark and seemingly humble abode. The door slammed shut behind him. The how house remained dark as all that could be heard from then was a loud POP before the house fell into dead silence. The lights went on and Krabs nonchalantly waltzed out of the house and breathed a sigh of relief.

Mr. Krabs: Aaaah, the deed is done. =)

Krabs would stuff a load into his trunk before peeling out of there. And business would go on as usual...
 
Just like Agatha Christie used to write em.

Murder, mystery, and somber darkness. You need to continue writing these things.
 
Chapter X: Hot For Teacher

One day, Mr. Krabs, sole proprietor of the Krusty Krab, called in Spongebob Squarepants, head fry cook of the Krusty Krab into his captain's quarters, no not his pants, for a briefing.

Spongebob: You called me in, sir?

Mr. Krabs: Aye, lad. How's yer teacher?

Spongebob: Mrs. Puff? Why?

Mr. Krabs: I heard her puff daddy had a little...mishap.

Spongebob: She cancelled classes for the rest of the week, and when I began inquiring about it, she said she doesn't like talking about it. It sounds pretty bad.

Mr. Krabs: Aye, aye.

Spongebob: Say, nice lamp ya have there, sir. Looks pretty legit.

Mr. Krabs: Oh, that old thing!

Mr. Krabs proceeded to make haste in order to switch off the new pufferfish lamp in his office.

Mr. Krabs: This was...just a gift! Listen boy, I want ye to send her me regards.

Spongebob: You can just go out there and tell her yourself.

Mr. Krabs: She's HERE?!

Spongebob: She always come here to drown her sorrows whenever she's in distress, especially on school days for some reason. I always seem to miss her whenever I come in for my shif-

Mr. Krabs: Oh, no, no, NO! Ye see, lad, I-I'm too old to be sending anything! Why do ye think they take old people's licenses away?! We're just NOT HIP. We ain't CORAL! We make our governments lose money quite frankly, and ye know me, time is money!

Spongebob: Oh, come on, Mr. Krabs. Just go over there comfort her.

Mr. Krabs: I can't, Spongebob! I'm scared.

Spongebob: That's how you're supposed to feel!

Mr. Krabs: AY- uh, I think that hat may be a tad bit tight on that ::dolphin noise::ed up head of yer's, lad.

Spongebob: Flatter her, Mr. Krabs.

Spongebob begins dragging Krabs along by his big meaty claw as Eugene vehemently tries to pull back.

Mr. Krabs: Oh, why does it have to be this way?!

And right there, Krabs took a long, hard look at the man in the mirror as Spongebob continued dragging him to the door. Krabs did what he did for a reason and he must act onPuff's insecurities now.

Mr. Krabs: It's fer the best.

Krabs finally stopped sweating buckets and composed himself.

Spongebob: Right on, Mr. Krabs!

Spongebob then karate kicked him out the office and into Mrs. Puff's general area.

Mrs. Puff: ...Uh, hello.

Mr. Krabs: =) ....DAH-OOOOOOHOOOOO!

Mrs. Puff: My, perhaps s-some...other time...

Mr. Krabs: EEEAUUHH!

Mrs. Puff: Oh, dear...

Spongebob decided to step in for his totally "not coral" boss.

Spongebob: Mrs. Puff, wait!

Mrs. Puff: The visions, they're coming back!

Mr. Krabs: BLAAAHUUU BLAAAHUUU!

Spongebob: Wait, Mr. Krabs wants to tell you something!

Mr. Kabs: ABUDA BUDA BUDA! EBOOLAH!

Spongebob: He wants to...hit you with a rake!

Mr. Puff: Egad!

Mr. Krabs: NUOOOOOOOO!

Spongebob: He wants to...drown you in a lake!

Mrs. Puff: Dear lord!

Mr. Krabs: NOBADA! NOBADA!

Spongebob: He wants to take youuuuu...ON A DATE.

Mr. Krabs: MOAR!

Krabs collapsed from the pressure of it all.

Mrs. Puffs: Is that true, Mr. Krabs? You want to take me on a date?

Mr. Krabs: Aaaaaah, aye. What do ye say?

Mrs. Puff: What do I say? What do I say?! My husband ran off on me without a trace, leaving open the window of interpretation, and you want to take me out on a date?! Well, I must say, you have quite a way with words, Mr. Krabs. I'd love to go out somewhere nice with you!

Mr. Krabs: I still got it. Ar Ar Ar!

Later that night, at the local diner.

Mrs. Puff: Oh, Mr. Krabs. I couldn't possible eat another bite.

Mr. Krabs: Nothin' but the best fer ye, me lil cream puff.

Waitress: Yer bill, honey.

Mr. Krabs: Why don't ye wait out by the car, I got this.

Mrs. Puff: Alright, Eugene

Krabs look over his bill and is completely shocked at what he sees.

Mr. Krabs: On hundred dollars?! That can't possibly be correct!

Waitress: Mah bad there. THIS is yer bill.

Krabs nearly popped an appendix.

Mr. Krabs: WHAAAAAAAAT?!!!?!?!!?!!?!?!?!?

The next day, in Mr. Krab's office.

Spongebob: I don't understand, Mr. Krabs. How could you spend ten whole dollars in one night?

Mr. Krabs: I don't know what came over me, boy. I just had to spend every little cent I had on her!

Spongebob: What are you gonna do now?

Mr. Krabs: I ain't takin' her to no Disney World if that's what yer thinkin'?! We have plans for tonight and I'm torn between me two true loves; that hot piece of tail fin, Mrs. Puff AND THE REST OF ME MONEY!

Spongebob: Maybe you can go Dutch?

Mr. Krabs: Dutch? Dutch? Ye want us to go Dutch?! Going to Dutchland costs me more money than going to Disney World, lad!

Spongebob: I'm sorry for not realizing that, sir. Maybe you should just...call things off.

Mr. Krabs: Call things off? I can't...I-I love her, lad, I really love her.

Spongebob: Which do you love more, Mr. Krabs? Her or the money?

And for the first time in Eugene H. Krab's life, he has found himself at a crossroads. They say too much will kill you if you can't make up your mind, torn between your lover and the love you leave behind. Krabs was headed for disaster for he never read the signs, but as some people say, Krabs is too cheap to pay attention. Krabs spent a whole 46 seconds thinking his situation through. He has made a decision.

Mr. Krabs: I know what I must do, lad. I'll try to let her down easy, but I'm afraid I'll end up breaking her heart.

Krabs' super sniffer kicked in, the scent of Puff filled his nostrils as he inhaled it all in at once like a drug. She was here.

Mr. Krabs: Send her into me office. It's not goin' to be easy, boy...

Spongebob: I'm sure, things will turn out alright, Mr. Krabs.

Spongebob went out to send in Puff. Krabs remained in his office as he could hear Puff Mama freaking out at the thought of being in Spongebob's presence from inside his captain's quarters. After about five minutes of terrible flashbacks, Puff finally calms down and greets Krabs inside his office.

Mrs. Puff: Hi, Eugene.

Mr. Krabs: Hello, sweet Mrs. Puff.

Mr. Krabs and Mrs. Puff: There's something I have to-

Mr. Krabs: Ye first.

Mrs. Puff: To be frank, Eugene, I don't think things are going to work out between us.

Mr. Krabs: Ye two?! I mean, but why?

Mrs. Puff: Quite frankly, Eugene, you're kind of a cheap ::dolphin noise::.

Mr. Krabs: Cheap?

Mrs. Puff: I know, it's harsh but is moreso you than it is me. I need a man who is willing to go that extra mile with me and if he's not even committed monetary-wise, then the relationship just wouldn't be healthy.

Mr. Krabs: Well, I don't know what to say.

Mrs. Puff: I'm sorry, Eugene but there plenty of fish out there in the sea.

The door to his office suddenly shut closed and all that could be heard from then was a brief "AAH" then a POP before the office fell into dead silence. Krabs nonchalantly waltzed his way out, breathing a sigh of relief.

Mr. Krabs: Aaaaah, the deed is done. =)

Spongebob: How are you feeling now, Mr. Krabs.

Mr. Krabs: Ye want to know how I'm feelin'?

Spongebob: Yeah.

Mr. Krabs: Ye really wanna know how I'm FEELIN'?

Spongebob: yeah, yeah!

Mr. Krabs: Git back to work, Mr. Squarepants.

Krabs left Spongebob and sought refuge back in his office. Krabs would hoist another load into the freezer later that day, and business went on as usual...

Chapter XI: Taxes

One day, Eugene H. Krabs, sole proprietor of the Krusty Krab, was manning the register like the boss he is as his head fry cook, Spongebob Squarepants, worked to flip that meat on the grill. Mr. Krabs grew wary of working the register. Even though he had since it was little calculator, he still had money that needed to counted in his captain's quarters.

Mr. Krabs: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr, Spongebob! Get out here!

Spongebob: Yes, Mr. Krabs?

Mr. Krabs: I canna be out here all day, boy! We need a new cashier to look after me hard earned cash of the day!

Suddenly, a green hand came out from under the floor boards and slugged Spongebob in the face. A figure bursted from the floor, revealing herself to be Sandy, before continuing her assault on the little square dude. Spongebob's karate gear magically shows up in the next shot as they engage in mortal combat. They continue going at it for about another five minutes before Mr. Krabs gets all up in their spicy coral bits.

Mr. Krabs: SPONGEBOB AND FRIEND! Front and center!

Spongebob and Sandy stop what they're doing and stand upright.

Mr. Krabs: Spongebob, you will see your share in the repayment for all these damages coming straight from your bill. As for YOU, lil miss...Who are you again, lass?

Sandy: Sandy.

Mr. Krabs: Oh right, Mandy. In order to help pay off these damages, ye are gonna work for me foreveeeeer!

Sandy: But Mr. Krabs-

Mr. Krabs: No buts, Missy!

He tosses her Squidward's old, bloodstained hat.

Sandy: Uh, Mr. Krabs, what's this red smudge on this hat?

Mr. Krabs: What? Ye never seen a ketchup stain before? Now git back to work!

And business would seemingly go on as usual, but Spongebob and Sandy's steamy karate battles soon proved to put a hamper on Krab's business interests. A few days later, Keabs contemplated over what to do about this in his office.

Mr. Krabs: Ar, those two are more trouble than they worth. They're like a bunch of horny teenagers! Oh, why forget have to be this way?!

He got up from his chair to once again break up yet another steamy spar session between his two co-workers.

Sandy: HIYA! OOOHAH! You're not getting the better of me now, Spongebob!

Spongebob: WAH! AIWOOH! I'll make you eat those words, Sandy! Literally!

Mr. Krabs: What the barnacl-

As Krabs put his claw out to grab Spongebob by his collar, Spongebob's active reflexes makes him break Krab's claw on contact. Hiding his tears, Krabs explodes.

Mr. Krabs: WHAT THE BARNACLE IS GOING ON HERE?!

Spongebob: Mr. Krabs, sir! This isn't what you think-

Mr. Krabs: What is there to think of, lad?! Ye two are out here foolin' around, scarin' away me money!

Sandy: It's not Spongebob's fault, Mr. Krab's it's mine!

Mr. Krabs: Then maybe I'll have to rethink our current business relationship. Mr. Squidward may have been an octopussy but at least he had some self-control.

Spongebob: Which reminds me, did he finish those errands?

Mr. Krabs: NO! HE AIN'T FINISHED WITH THOSE ERRANDS AND HE NEVER WILL BE! SO GET BACK TO WORK!

Krabs left them to their work, but his words kept echoing in Sandy's helmet regarding Squidward. Sandy put two and two together and snuck her Krusty Krew back home to conduct tests on the peculiar stain she had previously discovered. After laboring all the way until dawn, the results came in and they were conclusive: the blood was Squidward's.

Krabs also spent his night alone at home, contemplating on what to do about the situation at work. He can't continue to have Spongebob and Sandy costing him more of his money and he can't afford to lose his best fry cook over girl problems, so much so he began to feel bad for the sponge. He came to a conclusion, Krabs knew what must be done.

The next day, Spongebob worked the grill, unphased by the events that took place at the establishment the day before. Sandy manned the register, fully intending on confronting Krabs about her recent discovery. Feeling restless, Sandy leaves her post to confront her new boss. Krabs sat in his office, cracking his injured claw as if to see he has regained some strength after the injury he sustained the day before. He began to make his way towards his office door to call Sandy in, but was surprised to see Sandy bursting in out of her own and power. Krabs took a few ssteps back as Sandy took a few steps toward the sweaty old crab.

Mr. Krabs: What's the meanin' of this, lass?

Sandy: Mr. Krabs, I have to talk to y'all about somethin' I just found out!

Mr. Krabs had a bad feeling in the pit of his wallet.

Mr. Krabs: Time is money, girl! Git back to work!

Sandy: I don't think so, sir. I know what happened, I know what YOU darn done did to Squidward.

Mr. Krabs: Wait, it's not what ye think!

Sandy: You should be darn dern ashamed of yourself, Mr. Krabs, now you left me no choice but to-

Suddenly, the office door behind slammed shut behind her and all that could be heard was glass shattering and few gasps for air before the office fell into dead silence. Krabs nonchalantly waltzed out before breathing a sigh of relief.

Mr. Krabs: Aaaaaah, the deed is done. =]

Spongebob: What happened to Sandy, sir?

Mr. Krabs: Who? Oh yes, Candy! I sent her on an all expense paid vacation to-to...Kentucky or whatever hick place she comes from in that general area. I felt she needed...a break. Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar!

Spongebob: But Mr. Krabs, who will manage the register while she's gone?

Mr. Krabs: Who's that friend of yer's that likes the chili?

Spongebob: Patrick?

Mr. Krabs: Send em over! Ar Ar Ar Ar!

Later that day, Mr. Krabs would hoist another load into the freezer, and business went on as usual...

Chapter XII: Big, Scary and Pink

One day, Eugene H. Krabs, sole proprietor of the Krusty Krab, was manning the register when Spongebb Squarepants, head fry cook, came rushing into the establishment.

Spongebob: Mr. Krabs! Mr. Krabs! Mr. Krabs!

Mr. Krabs: What? What? What?

Spongebob: Patrick! Patrick! Patrick!

Mr. Krabs: Yes! Yes! Yes! (Daniel Bryan FTW)

Spongebob: He said! He said! He said!

Mr. Krabs: Grrrr, out wit it, boy!

Patrick: Mr. Krabs! Mr. Krabs! Mr. Krabs!

Mr. Krabs: Aye, I have a bad feelin' in the pit of me wallet.

Spongebob: Mr. Krabs, Patrick says he would love to be a member of the Krusty Krew!

Mr. Krabs: Aye? Walk him through an orientation first, lad. I can't risk puttin' all me eggs in one basket.

Spongebob: We won't let you down, sir.

Mr. Krabs: Ye better not, or I'll have both ye asses hangin' on me wall.

Spongebob: DAHAHAHA! Good one, sir.

Patrick: I wish I knew that earlier. Spongebob, this job sounds great!

Spongebob: And what makes it better is that you're working under me, pal.

Mr. Krabs: Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar!

Spongebob: What's the habub, Mr. K?

Mr. Krabs: It's just that ye said he be workin' under ye, ye know!

Spongebob: I don't quite get it, sir-

Mr. Krabs: Laugh wit me, boys, or yer fired.

Spongebob & Patrick: Dahahahahaha Uhuhuhuhuh Dahahahahahah Uhuhuhuhuhuh!

Mr. Krab: Ar, GIT BACK TO WORK. Time is money and ye two are already provin' to be more trouble than yer worth.

Spongebob & Patrick: Aye aye, Mr. Krabs!

Krabs leave them to go about their jobs as he tends to his money in his office. Spongebob and Patrick go to take the garbage out to the dumpster.

Spongebob: Man, Mr. Krabs and his dirty meat.

Patrick: on second thought, can I take this meat with me?

Spongebob: I don't understand, you already have yourself a lifetime supply of fried oyster skins. Why would you need all this dirty meat?

Patrick: Cause I'm dirty.

Spongebob: That you are, buddy, that you are!

Spongebob tosses the bags into the dumpster and quite a lot of fur falls out as it soars through the air.

Spongebob: Fur?

Patrick takes all the fur and stuffs it into his pants.

Spongebob: You have no idea where that's been, Patrick, are you crazy?

Patrick: No, I'm warm.

They head back inside where they come across an emaciated fish by the name of Dave.

Spongebob: Dear Neptune below! Patrick, we have to save this poor creature!

Patrick: Don't touch me, I'm sterile!

They help the poor vagabond up to his feet and take him to a table.

Spongebob: What can we get you, you poor creature?

Dave: I haven't eaten or drink in three days...

Spongebob: Patrick, get this man a Krabby Patty Deluxe ASAP!

Patrick: I'm on it!

Patrick heads off to do his thang as Spongebob tends to Dave, who is losing it gradually as Patrick continues taking his time in the kitchen.

Spongebob: What's he doing in there, killing the gosh darn sea cow. I'll be right back, sir.

Spongebob rushes into kitchen as he sees Patrick in fetal position with a jar of unopened pickles next to him.

Spongebob: Patrick, what are you doing? You can't just leave a customer waiting out there.

Patrick: I can't open it!

Spongebob: The jar?

Patrick: Yes, the jar! You of all people should know we can't serve out Krabby Patties without pickles!

Spongebob: You're right. I'll show you how to open it. Take it and grab it by the lid.

Patrick grabs the glass.

Patrick: OPEN SESAME! Well, I done all I could do.

Spongebob: No, the lid. THE lid. The LID! For Neptune's sake, Patrick, take your hands out your pants and grab it by the li- HOLD IT, YOU'RE ON FIRE!

Patrick: OOOW!

Spongebob: Calm down, Patrick! Now turn it to the left gently. By Neptune, we're witnessing history here!

Patrick: Oh no, I broke it!

Spongebob: No, Patrick, you opened it!

Patrick: Yeah, touchdown!

Patrick immediately slams the jar of pickles into ground, promptly wasting their last supply of pickles.

Spongebob: You just couldn't take the ball and roll with it, could you.?

They hastily put together a Krabby Patty without pickles and take it to Dave in hopes that he may not notice.

Spongebob: Here you, my good man. Bon appetite!

Dave: What is that? A Krabby Patty?

Patrick: With or without nuts?

Dave: Where's the pizzazz?

Dave leaves his seat and proceeds to crawl his way out. Meanwhile, in Mr. Krab's office, his super sniffer alerts him to the money that is currently heading out the door. He rushes out to see why he's losing out on some hard-earned cash.

Mr. Krabs: Ar, what seems to be the problem here?

Dave: Look at this ::dolphin noise::hole. What's the theme here? It's boring! Food! Water! Atmosphere!

Mr. Krabs: What the barnacle? No one goes to a restaurant fer atmosphere, they go fer food!

Dave has already crawled his way out of the establishment.

Mr. Krabs: Spongebob and Friend! Front and center!

Spongebob: What is it, captain.

Mr. Krabs: Git back into the kitchen and make me more money by making me more sandwiches. I'll deal with this unhappy customer personally. The reputation of the Krusty Krab is at stake!

Spongebob & Patrick: Aye aye, sir!

They head back into the kitchen as Krabs heads out to deal with Dave. He catches up with him crawling near the dumpsters out back and grabs him by his tail fin.

Dave: Hey man, that's not cool.

Mr. Krabs: It ain't cool, it's CORAL.

Krabs proceeds to use his big meaty claws to break Dave's tail fin, further crippling him than he already is. Krabs wrestles with him on the ground as he tries to get a firm grip in order to pull him back into his office from out back. Dave has some fight in him and scribbles something onto the dumpster with his finger before being pulled in through the back entrance.

Mr. Krabs: I'll give ye atmosphere!

Krabs successfully pulls Dave back into the premises using the back entrance and tries to be pull him into his office as quiet as possible in order to not attract his employees' attention. He puts a claw over Dave's mouth and hoists him into his office before slamming the door. All that could be heard from then was a brief "Bejabbers" before the office fell into dead silence. Krabs nonchalantly waltzed out, breathing a sigh of relief.

Mr. Krabs: Aaaaaah, the deed is done. =) Spongebob, Patrick git out here!

Spongebob & Patrick: Yes, Mr. Krabs?

Mr. Krabs: I dealt with that yella-bellied polliwog and I can assure ye that we won't receive anymore complaints about the atmosphere anymore. This is a family restaurant and nothin' means more to me than family, we don't need no gimmicks to get ahead in this business!

Spongebob: Alriiiight, Mr. Krabs!

Mr. Krabs: Now take this garbage out to the trash.

Krabs tosses them another drenched trash bag.

Mr. Krabs: It's startin' to give me a rash.

Spongebob and Patrick head back out to dispose of the trash and they do just that, but Spongebob notices something on the dumpster that wasn't there earlier.

Spongebob: "Krabs is a..." hmmmm, "Krabs is aaaaa..." Patrick, come take a look at this.

Patrick: "Kraaaaaabssss." Isn't that the sweaty guy we're working for?

Spongebob: Yes, but look at the rest of the sentence. I can't quite make out what the last word says.

Mr. Krabs: Grrrrrr, SPONGEBOB GIT OUT HERE!

Spongebob: No time for that now. Come on, buddy!

They head back inside the kitchen, where Mr. Krabs is staring at the hole in the floor and the pickles that litter it.

Mr. Krabs: What's the meaning of this?! It's wasting money! And these pickles were supposed to pasty til the end of the month.

Spongebob: I can explain, sir. Patrick had a little...accident earlier. I blame the faulty jars they use nowadays.

Mr. Krabs: Accident, eh? Well, in order to pay off these damages and fer next jar of pickles, I'm increasing your bill. As fer ye, Mr. Star, would ye like a job? Startin' now?

Patrick: Boy, would I!

Mr. Krabs: Just follow me into me office and I'll patch ye in.

Patrick: Oh boy!

Spongebob: We're gonna be working together now!

Patrick: Yeah, we'll be work mates!

Krabs leads Patrick into his office, the door slamming behind them. All that could be heard was a brief "OW" before the room fell into dead silence. Krabs once again waltzes out nonchalantly before breathing a sigh of relief.

Mr. Krabs: Aaaaaah, the deed is done. =)

Spongebob: Where's Patrick?

Mr. Krabs: He turned down me offer. I tried implorin' him, but he said somethin' about protectin' his title of doin' absolutely nothin' longer than anyone else or some ::dolphin noise:: like that.

Spongebob: Oh, that's kinda sad to hear. I thought we were going to be work mates.

Mr. Krabs: Git back to work, Mr. Squarepants. Ye will get over it after earnin' me some money.

Spongebob: Aye aye, sir.

Krabs would later hoist another load into the freezer, and business went on as usual...
 
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