Back

Eek, an Urchin!

(Whistling to himself, SpongeBob flips a patty onto a bun and walks over to the ketchup. He squirts some onto the patty but some misses and ends up on the floor.)
SpongeBob: Oh, I've made a mess. And that means (Takes out a cloth and spray) cleaning time! (Kneels down and sprays the can, but squirts his eyes instead of the floor) My eyes! (Drops the can and it rolls under the grill) My spray. Oh no, it rolled beneath the grill! (Walks over to the grill) I can do this. (Flexes his fingers and reaches underneath the grill; he pulls out a skull and tosses it aside) Nope. Aha, gotcha! (Pulls out his clenched hand, opens it to find an urchin, then screams) Aaaah! An urchin! (The urchin crawls up his arm and he gulps)
(Cut to Squidward at the cash register)
Squidward: Nothing ever happens in this dump.
SpongeBob: (Jumping up at the serving hatch) Squid-
Squidward: Why did I say that?
SpongeBob: -ward!
(Squidward pulls a blind down to block SpongeBob out. The phone rings.)
Squidward: Krusty Krab.
SpongeBob: Heeeeelp!
Squidward: (Bursts into the kitchen) What?! (SpongeBob runs around screaming until he is grabbed by Squidward) What are you screaming about?
SpongeBob: (Jumps onto Squidward's head) The urchin! (The urchin is on Squidward's foot; he jumps, with SpongeBob, onto the grill)
SpongeBob and Squidward: Mr Krabs!
Mr Krabs: What's all the ruckus?
SpongeBob: There's an urchin in the kitchen.
Mr Krabs: What are you talking about? The Krusty Krab is the standard in fast food cleanliness. An urchin wouldn't dare step spine in this establishment. (He notices the urchin on his claw, screams, then jumps onto the grill with SpongeBob and Squidward; as the urchin continues to run around, Mr Krabs sniffs and notices a burning smell) The grill is still on, isn't it? (All three scream and cool their feet in the toilets)
(Cut back to the kitchen; SpongeBob, Squidward and Krabs enter carefully, looking around for the urchin)
SpongeBob: There is it! I'll get it. (He traps the urchin under a bucket) Got it. (The urchin drags him around and SpongeBob ends up in the bucket instead; he spits out the urchin)
Mr Krabs: Hold it right there! (He smacks the urchin with a broom) Gotcha, you prickly pest! (The urchin flings Mr Krabs around using the broom)
SpongeBob: Squidward, don't let it in the dining room! You're our last line of defense!
Squidward: I'm on it. (Steps aside, letting the urchin in the dining room)
(The urchins hides in a Krabby Patty. Not looking, the customer squirts it with ketchup)
SpongeBob: This is terrible! You should never put that much ketchup on a Krabby Patty. (The customer takes a bite and the urchin shoots off in the other direction; SpongeBob, Squidward and Krabs sigh with relief)
(The urchin hides in a cup of soda. The customer sucks it up through the straw, chokes, then spits it across the room, where it lands in a serving of fries. Another customer snaps a spine off the urchin and eats it)
Squidward: I think I'm gonna be sick.
SpongeBob: Phew, that was close. Thank goodness no-one noticed the urchin.
Customers: Urchin? (They scream)
(Cut to Plankton outside the Krusty Krab)
Plankton: Finally I have a foolproof plan to steal the Krabby Patty secret formula. Krabs will never recognise me wearing (he pulls out some glasses) these glasses. (The screaming customers exit the Krusty Krab and trample him; he gets up and walks into the Krusty Krab) What in the seahorse is going on around here.
Krabs: Plankton! Oh, that's all we need. Beat it, you crook! We have enough pests already.
Plankton: Pests? What are you talking about – (he notices the urchin right next to him and screams) Aaah, an urchin! (Jumps onto SpongeBob's nose) I hate those things. This won't do at all. I can't steal the secret formula with that vermin running around. I propose a truce, Krabs. I'll help you get rid of that creature and I promise not to steal the secret formula until it's gone. Crooks' honor.
Krabs: Hmm. It may take a pest to catch a pest. (Shakes Plankton's hand) It's a deal, but no tricks or you'll be the chef's special.
Plankton: Don't worry. (Pulls out his cellphone) Karen? No, I don't have it. Why do you even bother asking? Yeah, yeah, look – send over my killer death robot, will you? No, the other one. I love you, too, schnookums. Help is on its way! (A robot enters the Krusty Krab) Behold, your champion!
Krabs: That piece of junk?
Plankton: Hold on, you haven't seen it in action yet. I'll just set it for our quarry. (He presses a button and a picture of a seahorse appears on the screen) No. (Picture of Krabs) Ignore that one. (Picture of an urchin) Aha! Bingo. You have your orders – attack!
(The robot scans the restaurant and spots the urchin; it chases the urchin with a wooden mallet. The urchin jumps into the cash register; the robot prepares to attack but Krabs jumps in the way)
Krabs: Oh no you don't! (The robot rips Krabs's shell in half, looks surprised, then gives it back) Mallet, please! (The robot hands it over and Krabs uses it to smash the robot into the shape of a lunch box)
Plankton: OK, maybe the death robot wasn't the best idea.
Krabs: You think? SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: Here, sir!
Krabs: That little monster's still in there. You open, I'll catch him in here (holds up the lunch box).
SpongeBob: (Salutes) Aye aye, cap'n! Here goes nothing. (He opens the register; the urchin is eating money)
Krabs: Me money! (He smashes the register with the mallet) Did I get it?
SpongeBob: M-Mr Krabs? (Points to the mallet, on which the urchin is sitting; Krabs screams and drops it)
Squidward: Oh no, oh no, oh no no no no no no no - yes! (finds the cactus he was looking for) Oh, my prized spiny succulent. Thank Neptune you're safe.
SpongeBob: Mr Krabs, look! (Holds the cactus next to Plankton) Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Plankton: I'm not sure I like where this is heading.
(Cut to SpongeBob and Mr Krabs performing what looks like an operation)
Krabs: Cactus.
SpongeBob: Cactus. (Hands it to him)
Krabs: Spoon.
SpongeBob: Spoon.
Krabs: Plankton.
SpongeBob: Plankton.
Plankton: Oh come on, there's got to be a better way! (Mr Krabs inserts him into the now hollow cactus)
Krabs: Spray can.
SpongeBob: Spray can. (Krabs sprays the cactus/Plankton the same color as the urchin)
Krabs: Hmm. I think our darling little decoy still needs something. (SpongeBob ties a pink bow to one of the spines)
Plankton: Oh brother.
Krabs: Now get in there, Planktonella, and lure that rotton little health hazard out of me livelihood. (Throws Plankton into the kitchen)
Plankton: I'm only helping you out so I can get back to robbing you blind.
SpongeBob: Don't worry, Plankton, we're behind you 100%.
Plankton: This get up is 100% humiliating. Here, urchin urchin urchin! Here, you dirty filth-spreading porcupine. I'm wearing lipstick here, come on, let's go! Huh? What was that? Look sharp, Planktonella. I think we're being watched. (He turns around and comes face-to-face with the urchin) Uh, hello.
Krabs: Pssst! Go on, Plankton, make with the romance!
Plankton: Fine! Hey there, handsome. You're cute! For a parasite. (The urchin advances on him) Slow down there, buddy. Why don't we start with a nice romantic stroll, outside, far away from the Krusty Krab. And it's secret forumla. OK, ouch! (The urchin tries to kiss him) Hey! What kind of an urchin do you think I am? (He screams and jumps away, hiding underneath a cupboard) What could be worse than being romantically persued by a rabid sea urchin? (He turns around) A hundred urchins? (He screams and runs away, the urchins following him)
Krabs: Get ready, here they come! Holy mother of pearl! Batton down the hatches! (He and SpongeBob lift the serving boat to plug the hole in the wall) It's a stampede!
Plankton: Come on, let me out! Mommy! Come on, open up! (Krabs boards the door shut) Help, get me out of here!
SpongeBob: Poor Plankton.
Krabs: Ah, who cares about Plankton? What about me restaurant?
Plankton: I heard that!
Squidward: Enough's enough. Time to end this madness. Let's put this freak show on ice. (He turns down the thermostat)
Krabs: Hey, what do you know? It seems to be slowing them down. Better crank it all the way down just to be on the safe side. (Squidward does so and the kitchen freezes over completely) That ought to do it. (He opens the kitchen door)
SpongeBob: It's beautiful!
(Cut to SpongeBob stood ready with an open garbage can, wearing a makeshift protective suit)
SpongeBob: OK, I'm ready.
Krabs: Here goes nothing. (He turns the thermostat back up and the urchins start to move again, falling into the garbage can) Hurry, Squidward! (Squidward puts the lid on) We got 'em! Whoa! (He wobbles) Got it.
Squidward: Phew.
SpongeBob: (Walking outside) So where do we release them?
Krabs: I don't care, as long as it's far away from the Krusty Krab.
SpongeBob: How's this, Mr Krabs?
Krabs: Keep going.
SpongeBob: How about now?
Krabs: Farther!
SpongeBob: (Rings Mr Krabs' cell phone) Is this far enough?
Krabs: No, farther! Huh, well, that takes care of that particular problem.
(Cut to Mr Krabs in his office. The phone rings)
Krabs: Krusty Krab?
SpongeBob: Is this far enough?
Krabs: Not far enough. Keep going.
(Cut to SpongeBob still walking with the garbage can, exhausted)
SpongeBob: Well, I guess this is far enough. Here you go, little fellas, this will be your new home. (He takes the lid off) Run! Be free! Uh oh. (They swarm back into the Krusty Krab)
Krabs: (Screams) SpongeBob!

End