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Squid Baby

Narrator: (shown in Squidward's bathroom) Little droplets gently cascade on your body.
Squidward: (in the bathtub) Oh, yeah.
Narrator: Visualize yourself into a private quarter. (goes to resort-like tub) foci your perceptions, on the ________, and the soothing nature, of the rustic courts (scallop laughs like patrick)
Squidward: Huh?
Narrator: You are one with nature.
Squidward: Ahh, (scallops laughs like SpongeBob and Patrick, Squidward escapes hallucinations) What the—!? (SB and Pat giggle, Squidward goes to window) Barnacles!
Patrick: (holding a rattle in his legs) How do you like that, baby?
SpongeBob: (laughs) Oh yeah, well what do you think about this, (twists backwards and shakes rattle) baby! (he and Pat laugh)
Squidward: Question, are you two acting more infantile than usual this morning?
SpongeBob: Ah-Ha! (moves a box of toys) Because I found a box of my old baby toys in the attic, and we're playing with them! (Squidward closes the shade) Hey, my old Petty Walrus! (hugs toy walrus) This stuff really takes me back.
Patrick: (sucks heavily on binky, spits it out and drools) Yeah! It makes me feel baby-ish. (starts acting like a baby) Look at me I'm a baby! (sucks thumb and crawls)
SpongeBob: (laughs) Babies don't talk like that, Patrick! They talk like (crawls) Goo Goo! Ga-Ga! (he and Pat make baby noises and act like babies, playing with and chewing toys, and squeezing themselves with them, laughs babyish)
Squidward: (annoyed and angry) Grrrrrrrr! (walks outside near-naked, whispers) Just when the essential oils were kicking in. (sees SpongeBob and Patrick riding) I'd appreciate some quiet!!! (Sponge and Pat ride away) How dare you scoot away from me! I'm scolding here!!! (Sponge winds a jack-in-the-box) Would you two for once, (screams) act your age!!! (Jack pops up, SB and Pat cry like babies, he facepalms) Fine, act like infants your whole life, see if I care! I am returning to my grown-up lifestyle, so KEEP IT DOWN!!! (trips on toy boat, tumbles onto scooter, hits head hard on the mailbox)
SpongeBob and Patrick: (concerned) Squidward! (Squidward's head swells up and he gags)
Patrick: Hey, he's mumblin' and droolin' like a little baby!
SpongeBob: Oh, I dunno Patrick, he isn't looking so good! He should probably see a doctor! Come on, let's take him to the hospital. (he and Pat pick Squidward up)
Patrick: Hang in there, buddy, we'll have you fixed up in no time (hit Squidward's head repeatedly)
(cuts to hospital)
Dr. Forrest: Hm… (sees Squidward gagging)
SpongeBob: (quiet and worried) So, what's the prognosis, doctor?
Dr. Forrest: Your friend has a condition known by the medical term of, Headgo BoomBoomitis. Not to worry though, he should recover normally over time. (warning) But, he mustn't receive any more blows to the head, or he may remain this way, permanently. Just care for him as if he was your own bouncy baby boy, and he'll be fine.
(cuts to pineapple)
Patrick: (parent-child voicce) Hey little Squidward, ready for some fun? (throws Squidward up hard) Whoop-dee-doo!
SpongeBob: Okay Squiddy, din-din is ready! Where is our little miracle? (sees Squidward's head crashed into the ceiling) (gasps, angered) Patrick, how could you!? (climbs on Patrick to grab Squidward) There, there (pulls Squid out) my little darling. (carries Squid to kitchen) We're supposed to protect his head, remember? (puts Squid on high chair and tray into Squid's mouth, escapes, gives him bowl of food) Okay, Squiddy, I made your favorite, Krill Tartar with an Algae Vinaigrette. (scoops Squid some) Here it comes, open wide! (Squid blocks food from going in mouth) Oh, come on little buddy, you gotta eat health so you can grow up big and cranky. Just watch the airplane land in the hangar! (makes plane noises while feeding Squid) See, Patrick, sometimes you gotta outthink the baby. (Squiddy spits food out onto he and Pat, Squid throws plate on him) You know Patrick, maybe we should—
Patrick: (licks food off of SpongeBob) Thanks for sharing, baby!
(cuts to later)
SpongeBob: Okay, time to lighten things up! (babyish voice) Do you like games, Squiddy!?
Patrick: Games is our middle name. (Squidward drools)
SpongeBob and Patrick: (plays Patty Cake) Kelpy Cake! Kelpy Cake! Kelpy Man! Bake us a Cake as fast as you can! (Squidward claps)
SpongeBob: You like that, Squiddy? (Squidward laughs)
Patrick: He does!
SpongeBob: Now you try! Kelpy Cake— (Squid slaps him and Patrick and shoots them to the other side of the room, Squidward laughs, he and Patrick hurt) Owww. This game's kinda dangerous. (Squid crawls out of the house)
SpongeBob and Patrick: (shrieking) SQUIDDY!!! (Squidward crawls to the road, a truck comes in, driver sleeping) Squiddy! No!
Patrick: Don't worry, I got this! (jumps onto road in front of Squiddy, lifts road up, truck flies away, puts road down)
SpongeBob: Hooray! (sees road landed on Squiddy's head, gasps) Squidward! (runs to him, Patrick picks up road, holds Squid's head) Squiddy! Are you okay!? (grabs and carries Squidward) We need to do a better job at protecting him (truck lands on Squidward's house, he locks Squid into a cage, he cries, then opens crate) There, there now. No need to (picks Squid up) cry. (Squid cries for a long time, he comforts him) Shh, shh, shh, sh. Shuh, shuh, shuh. (rocks him) Everything's gonna be okay. (Squid continues to cry)
Patrick: Don't worry, he'll settle down in a couple minutes. (he watches TV while SB carries Squid crying, SpongeBob goes to bed while he holds Squid crying, SB takes a bath while Pat holds him, then vice versa, Sponge holds him crying while Pat puts on earplugs, then noise-canceling headphones. They eat while Squid cries, Squid eats and spits food out on them while crying, both are tired while Squid is crying)
Narrator: (with matching time card) 72 Hours Later
(cuts to Krusty Krab)
Mr Krabs: (angered, looks at watch) It's one minute til' opening! Where the barnacles are my employerees? I don't pay ‘em to be late! (SpongeBob, Patrick and Squiddy come in exhausted after lightning strikes)
Patrick: Taking care of a baby sure is hard.
SpongeBob: You said it, I'm exhausted. Hey Patrick, I have to go to work, would you mind holding Squidwoo… (Patrick sleeps on table, sighs) Looks like we're on our own, fella.
Mr Krabs: (angered) SpongeBob! Squidward! Enough dop-draggin'! Get to your stations, bronto!
SpongeBob: Mr Krabs, (turns around to see Squidward) Squidward is in no condition to perform his Krusty duties. (Squiddy gags) The poor guy has the mind of an infant.
Mr Krabs: I don't care if he has seaweed for brains. (angered) He needs to be behind that register! (lifts arm up) We got customers out there just beggin' to hand me their money! (sees customers outside on the windows waving cash)
SpongeBob: But—
Mr Krabs: (angered) No "buts"! Get to work, you two! (swipes SpongeBob to the register, Squidward flies into the boat, hitting head)
SpongeBob: (pats Squiddy) All settled into your work station, I see. (babyish voice) Maybe you're ready for your Krusty duties after all. Now let's make it official! (tries to put hat on Squid, Squid leans back) Ah-ha, how silly of me! (runs to get a high chair, picks up Squid) Squiddy needs a high chair. (Puts chair down, slides Squiddy in it, his head bangs onto the register. He holds up duct tape) And duct tape! (tapes Squiddy to the chair, puts hat on him) Oh, Squiddy, I'm so proud of you. Just yesterday, you were drooling all over me, and look at you know, working and, (tears up) sitting in a big boy seat!
Mr Krabs: (annoyed) Alright, that's enough, you two, time to serve some customers! (opens doors, customers run in)
SpongeBob: Remember buddy, I'll be right behind you. (runs to kitchen, customers go on line)
Fish: Could I get a Krabby Patty and a Large Kelp Shake, please. (Squiddy babbles and hits his head with a rattle) Okay, how much do I owe you? (Fish holds up a dollar, Squiddy sucks on the dollar)
SpongeBob: (pops out of the window) Squidward! (pulls Squid away from fish's mouth) That's not for eating! (wipes fish's hand) There we are, good as ne— (sees Squid sucking on fish's head, loudly) That's not for eating either! (pulls Squiddy off) Sorry, sir.
Mr Krabs: (annoyed) Hop to it, boys, we haven't even taken our first order!
SpongeBob: (salutes) Yes, Mr Krabs! (hands Squidward pencil and pad) You know what to do. (Squidward laughs and throws paper, SpongeBob runs to kitchen to pick it up) Thanks, Squiddy, I can always count on— (takes ticket) huh? (sees scribbles on it) Will this be For Here or To Go? (Sees Squidward scribbling, he throws the paper up) We have to work on your penmanship, Squiddy. (Squidward scribbles on fish's face)
Nat: (covering eyes running) My Face! My Face! Also my leg, but mostly my face!!!
Fish: (angrily) Hey! You gonna take an order or what!? (Squidward taps the buttons on the register, the drawer pops out on his head, he cries)
SpongeBob: (runs over sorrily) Squidward! (picks up his head) Yelling at a poor, defenseless baby! You ought'a be ashamed?
Fish: (outraged) Listen man, I'm done playin' these baby games!!! (he smells a smelly smell) Oh my Neptune! (Squid looks at his dirty diaper, all the fish complain)
Mr Krabs: (outraged) What in blazings is going on around he— Oh!!! (screams Squid out of register, hitting his head) Mr. Squidward!!! Where are your manners!?
SpongeBob: (runs over to grab Squid by his feet, concerned) Mr. Krabs, watch his head!!!
Mr Krabs: Watch his head? (points) Why don't you watch his diaper!? (sees smelly diaper) And get it changed!!!
SpongeBob: (salutes) Yes sir! Yes sir! (brings Squid to a table) Oh.
Fred: We're eating here!
SpongeBob: Sorry! (brings Squid to the floor)
Fish: Hey, I'm tryin' to walk here!!!
SpongeBob: Sorry! (brings him to condiment island)
Suzy: Hey! I was gonna get ketchup there!
SpongeBob: Sorry. (brings him to the register) Okay, Squiddy, hold still! (starts untying) Ew-Oh Boy!
Mr Krabs: (quietly but firm) Are you out of your mind! You can't change this baby out here in front of the customers! Take him in back where the food is prepared!
Customers: (grossed out, run out of Krusty Krab)
Mr Krabs: Aw, that's it. (outraged) Get that poppy-baby, out of me restaurant!!!
SpongeBob: (cries) Mr. Krabs, if my poopy baby isn't welcome here, then I'm not staying either! (tumbles on rattle to the kitchen) Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! (hits Squid's head on pots and pans, and then the cabinet, barrel falls onto Squiddy, hits his head into an ice machine, ice falls on his head, gasps) Squidward! (ice melts, Squidward back to normal)
Squidward: (mumbles, then annoyed) What the!? Where am I? What's going on!?
SpongeBob: (relieved) Ah, Squidward, you're back to your grown-up self.
Squidward: Of course I'm grown-up, why wouldn't I be!? (realizes) Am I wearing a diaper?
SpongeBob: Yes
Squidward: Is it full? (looks at it) Aaahh!!!
Spongebob: Sorry, Squidward, I was gonna change you, but I got in a—
Squidward: (covers SpongeBob's mouth) Stop! (walks away) Not, another, word, about this, (angered) ever!
SpongeBob: (grateful) Kids. They grow up so fast.
End