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Krusty Dogs

(SpongeBob uses a cylinder to cut circular patties)
SpongeBob: Ooh … delicious.
(He puts the patties in the freezer then starts to shape the leftover mixture into a hat and puts it on)
SpongeBob: Top of the morning to ya! (Laughs)
(Shapes it into Gary)
Patty Gary: Meow.
(Shapes it into a phone and picks it up)
SpongeBob: Krusty Krab, SpongeBob speaking. (Laughs and puts receiver down. It rings again and he picks it up.) Gary, is that you? Gary, I know you're there, I can hear you breathing. (Slams receiver down and shapes into a wiener) Ooooh! (Cooks it in a pot)
Narrator: One wiener later.
SpongeBob: (Bursts into Krabs' office) Mr. Krabs! This wiener tastes just like a Krabby Patty! Maybe we can add them to the menu.
Mr. Krabs: I'm not impressed.
SpongeBob: I made it with leftover ingredients.
Mr. Krabs: Now I'm impressed.
(Meanwhile, a customer enters the Krusty Krab, which is empty)
Frank: Hmm … I could have sworn that sign said open.
(Outside, Squidward is leaning against the sign)
Squidward: (Inhales) Once in a while I need to breathe in and not smell grease. Or the stench of my miserably failed life. Talking to myself. Again.
(Frank puts head through serving window and sees SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs)
SpongeBob: And then I just cooked it, like this.
Mr. Krabs: Go on.
Frank: My, what an interesting shape. Are those for sale?
Mr. Krabs: Why? Would you like to buy one?
Frank: Well, that would depend on the price.
Mr. Krabs: Would you pay the same as what a Krabby Patty costs?
Frank: Hmm. Sure, I suppose so.
Mr. Krabs: How about double?
Frank: Now you're talking!
(In the dining room, three customers sit around a table)
Customer #2: Krabby Patties again? (Sighs) If only there was something else. (Sees Frank with Krusty Dog) Hey, what you got there, Frank?
Frank: It's new. Tastes just like a Krabby Patty but it's shaped like a wiener!
Customer #3: Well that sounds very interesting, yeah! (They mutter appreciatively; Customer #3 puts head through serving window) Hey, I'd like to request a wiener!
Customer #2: Me too!
Customer #4: Me too!
All: Wieners! Wieners! Wieners!
(Mr. Krabs climbs a ladder and adds Krusty Dogs to the menu in chalk)
SpongeBob: Squidward, what's that noise?
Squidward: Excruciating.
Mr. Krabs: Up here, boy! Take a look.
SpongeBob: (Squints) I can't read it from here, Mr. Krabs, what's it say?
Mr. Krabs: It says, "Krusty Dogs only $3.99 or $4.99 with cheese".
Squidward: $4.99? That's highway robbery.
Mr. Krabs: Avec fromage, monsieur Squidward. Avec fromage.
SpongeBob: My Krusty Dog, hand written on the menu! Oh, pinch me Squidward!
Squidward: Pinch yourself, you ninny.
Narrator: The following day.
(SpongeBob is cooking patties)
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob! Three more Krusty Dogs, pronto!
SpongeBob: Aye aye, cap'n! (Puts three in pot)
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob! Three more orders of Krusty Dogs, extra krusty!
SpongeBob: Wow, Mr. Krabs, we sure are getting a lot of orders for Krusty Dogs.
Mr. Krabs: Yep.
SpongeBob: Yeah, I'll get those going right after I finish cooking up these Krabby Patties.
Mr. Krabs: Oh, forget about making those patties! Just make the wieners. (Hands order slips)
SpongeBob: Just … make the wieners?
(Mr. Krabs carries a ladder across the restaurant and SpongeBob follows him)
SpongeBob: Um, excuse me, Mr. Krabs? Uh, where are you going with that ladder? Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: I'm just going to make a few changes to the Krusty Krab menu, that's all.
SpongeBob: Changes?
Mr. Krabs: Oh, that reminds me. Do you have an eraser I could borrow?
SpongeBob: Eraser?
Mr. Krabs: (Climbs ladder) Ah, never mind, I'll just cross it off. No more Krabby Patties. (Crosses it out)
(SpongeBob sweats, mumbles and faints. An ambulance pulls up outside and paramedics revive him with oxygen.)
Paramedic #1: OK, just breathe normally, son.
SpongeBob: (Mumbling) No more Krabby …
Paramedic #1: There you go. That's it.
Paramedic #2: There! He's starting to revive. (Sits SpongeBob up)
SpongeBob: I had this horrible dream that Mr. Krabs was never gonna let me Krabby Patties agai- …
(Mr. Krabs pushes a stove through the restaurant)
Mr. Krabs: Pardon me.
(SpongeBob faints again)
Paramedic #2: We're losing him!
(Outside, Mr. Krabs tosses the stove on a trash heap)
(Cut to SpongeBob waking up again)
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob … SpongeBob … wake up.
SpongeBob: (Held up by the paramedics) Where am I? And what are these paramedics doing here?
Mr. Krabs: You're back in your old kitchen, and the pair of paramedics were here to revive you.
SpongeBob: I was asleep?
Mr. Krabs: Yeah, but just for a little while, so I only docked your pay for the time you were unconcious.
SpongeBob: (Looks at spot where grill was) Mr. Krabs, isn't that where the grill used to be?
Mr. Krabs: Maybe. But now we have this! (Takes cover off hot dog rotisserie)
SpongeBob: And what about my … my spatula?
Mr. Krabs: I got you a new one! (Hands him tongs; SpongeBob accidentally traps his nose in them and Mr. Krabs and the paramedics laugh) All right, those wieners aren't going to rotisserate themselves. Everybody back to work!
SpongeBob: (Sadly) Aye aye, captain.
(Cut to SpongeBob approaching Squidward)
SpongeBob: Squidward, can I talk to you for one second?
Squidward: I don't know, that's a pretty long talk.
SpongeBob: Has anything ever happened at your job that made it, well, not as fun as it used to be?
Squidward: Well, actually, yes.
SpongeBob: Really? What was it?
Squidward: Being hired.
SpongeBob: I don't know why, but things just aren't the same since Krusty Dogs were added to the menu.
Squidward: SpongeBob, my boy, I realized long ago that there is nothing, I repeat nothing, that could make this job any more boring or humiliating or demeaning than it already is.
(Cut to Squidward outside the Krusty Krab wearing a hot dog suit. A mother and son come out of the Krusty Krab.)
Billy: Look at that guy dressed like a hot dog, Mommy.
Mother: Let that inspire you to stay in school, Billy.
(Billy kicks Squidward. Meanwhile, inside the Krusty Krab, Mr. Krabs is putting up a poster for Krusty Dogs.)
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: Ahoy, SpongeBob! How goes the wieners?
SpongeBob: I was kind of wondering … could we just go back to selling Krabby Patties?
Mr. Krabs: What on Earth for? Krusty Dogs was your best idea ever, boy!
SpongeBob: I know, I – well, I guess I sort of just miss the Krabby Patties. After all, they're what gave this place its name.
Mr. Krabs: Yeah … good point.
SpongeBob: Yeah, I mean, don't you think that we should – (Mr. Krabs dashes away)
(SpongeBob looks out of the window and sees Mr. Krabs changing the sign to "The Krusty Dogs")
SpongeBob: "Krusty Dog"? Those wieners have got to go.
(Cut to SpongeBob serving customers)
SpongeBob: Here you are, hungry customers. Your delicious Krusty Dogs.
Customer #5: They do look delicious.
SpongeBob: Yes. (Into her ear) Eat one and you will develop an unsightly skin condition. (Goes to next customer) Here's your footlong, sir.
Customer #6: Thanks! 12 inches of deliciousness.
SpongeBob: Yeah, you know what gives them that added flavor?
Customer #6: No, what?
SpongeBob: Nose hairs and recycled dental floss.
Squidward: (Still in hot dog suit) SpongeBob, what are you doing?
SpongeBob: We have got to get rid of these wieners and bring back the Krabby Patty!
Squidward: SpongeBob, I never thought I'd be saying this, but count me in.
SpongeBob: Hooray!
(Cut to customer picking up hot dog. Squidward bursts into the Krusty Krab dramatically, holding his stomach.)
Squidward: Help! I'm having terrible abdominal pain! I think it was the … the … (Glances to door, where SpongeBob is standing.) Line.
SpongeBob: (Stage whisper) Wieeeener!
Squidward: The wiener!
SpongeBob: (In old timey costume) Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce myself. I am but a simple old timey gentleman. I came here for one purpose today.
Old lady: So I said, it didn't smell so bad but tastes awf-
SpongeBob: Quiet, granny, I'm talking!
Old lady: Oh.
SpongeBob: And that is to loudly decry these modern, newfangled days of wieners and to beg for a return to a simpler time, a Krabby Patty-er time.
Customer #7: I'm not really concerned about possible ill health effects. How about you guys?
Customer #8: Nah.
Customer #9: How about nostalgia?
Customer #7: Never heard of him. (Eats wiener)
SpongeBob: OK, that didn't work at all.
Squidward: It only seemed to increase their appetite for wieners.
SpongeBob: We need stronger tactics.
Squidward: Right. Something that would make Mr. Krabs' whole wiener thing blow right up in his face.
SpongeBob: Yeah … blow up. (Gets an idea) Squidward, that's it! (Laughs and runs to the kitchen)
(In the kitchen, SpongeBob combines a balloon with a wiener and adds mustard)
SpongeBob: Beautiful. (Takes wiener to customer with an inflation line attached) Your Krusty Dog, sir. With extra mustard.
Customer #10: Thanks.
SpongeBob: Can I bring you something else? OK, I guess not. Thank you, sir. (Backs away.) Wait for it SpongeBob, wait for it. (Waits for customer to take a bite than begins inflating the wiener) Now!
Customer #7: Yeah, remember that, that was- oh, my Neptune! That Krusty Dog is about to explode!
Customer #10: What? Where? (It explodes. The customers scream and leave the restaurant angrily.)
SpongeBob: Have a nice day!
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, what happened in here? Where are all my customers? What are we going to do?
SpongeBob: Ooh, I know the answer!
(Cut to SpongeBob frying patties)
Mr. Krabs: Hey, SpongeBob, have you seen Mr. Squidward?
SpongeBob: I think he's outside on his break.
Mr. Krabs: Perfect. And keep them Krabby Patties coming, boy!
SpongeBob: (Salutes) Aye aye, captain!
(Outside, Squidward is wearing a Krabby Patty suit and holding a sign announcing their return)
Billy: Mom, look, it's a guy dressed as a Krabby Patty!
Mother: It's never too soon to start picking a good college, Billy. (She kicks Squidward over)
Squidward: Well, I guess I was wrong again. It can always get more humiliating.
End