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The Card

(at Bikini Bottom Bank)
Quincy: Next. Oh, no...
SpongeBob: Hey, Quincy! How's my favorite money man?
Quincy: SpongeBob. What can I do for you?
SpongeBob: The new Mermaidman and Barnacleboy cards come out today. So I need to take out some mo-nay.
Quincy: Ugh! Let me see your bank book.
SpongeBob: Sure thing, Quincy. Sure thing. (takes out his bank book and hands it to Quincy)
Quincy: Nice bunnies.
SpongeBob: I know, I know. It's so embarrassing. I wanted the one with the kittens on it.
Quincy: Right. (pulls out some money and gives it to SpongeBob) Here you are, sir.
SpongeBob: Thank you. Hmm. Uh, Quincy, this one is wrinkled. I couldn't possibly give this to Mermaidman. It simply won't do.
Quincy: I don't think they go directly to Mermaidman, SpongeBob, but, um... here, try this one. (hands SpongeBob a dollar)
SpongeBob: (sniffs the dollar) Uh, this one smells funny.
Customer: Oh, come on! Would you hurry up?
Robber: Yeah. Some of us have withdrawals to make, you know? (everyone is complaining)
SpongeBob: Well I'll have you know, that this is for Mermaidman. And I'm not leaving until I have money that shows him the proper respect. (kicked out of bank) Whoa! (everyone inside the bank cheers. Cut to Near Mint Comic Books)
Patrick: One, two, three, four...
SpongeBob: Hey, Patrick! Counting up your change for a pack of Mermaidman and Barnacleboy trading cards?
Patrick: No, I'm thinking about buying this book on counting. Three, four... (gasps) What's gonna happen next? Five! Holy super happy fun time! This book's good! I'll take it! One, two, three, four...
SpongeBob: One pack of Mermaidman and Barnacleboy cards, please. (employee gets a pack of cards)
Patrick: Five, six...
SpongeBob: All right!
Patrick: Seven...
Comic Fish: Not so fast! Where's my dollar?
SpongeBob: (takes out a roll of dollars from the bank he got and only pulls one off) Here you are, my good sir.
Comic Fish: Here you go, kid.
Patrick: Seventeen...
SpongeBob: So shiny. And smooth! (rubs the pack of cards against his face and smells it) Mm-hmm. (screams and gasps as he opens the pack) Mermaidman's bubble-powered wheelchair from season twelve! And Barnacleboy's bunion. Holy scallops! It's the dentures that Mermaidman used to pop the Dirty Bubble in episode four-hundred two! Wow. These must be the most valuable cards in the world! I'll treasure them forever.
Comic Fish: (chortling) Those cards aren't worth nothing. I wouldn't put those cards in the spokes of my bike. Now, if you wanna see a card worth talkin' about, check this one out. This is the super rare platinum hologram, animated, talking card. Number 54.
Card: Mermaidman says:
Mermaidman: (Mermaidman ducks as a giant fist punches Barnacleboy) Buy more cards.
Comic Fish: There are only five in existence.
SpongeBob: How much is it for this one?
Comic Fish: This one's just a display. If you want a real one, you'll have to buy as many packs as you can and hope you get lucky.
SpongeBob: (buys another pack) Oh, I have a good feeling about this one. Come on! And it's... not there. (throws the cards away and buys another pack) No. (buys all but one pack of cards. Screams after looking at all the bad cards) I'll never find card 54!
Patrick: 96, 97, ninety, uh, eight, 99, 100! Oh! I hate counting! (puts a lot of coins on the counter) Just give me what he's having. Oh, boy! Let's see which card I got. Is this a good card, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: No, it's just another...
Card: Mermaidman says:
Mermaidman: (Mermaidman ducks as a giant fist punches Barnacleboy) Buy more cards!
SpongeBob: Number 54! That's the best card there is!
Patrick: It sure does the job all right. (flossing his teeth with the card)
SpongeBob: (screams) Patrick, you're picking your teeth with it.
Patrick: I'm preventing gingivitis.
SpongeBob: Patrick! That's the ultra-rare number 54 talking card! It's really valuable, and there's only five in existence. (babbling) ...Patrick! (babbling) So now do you understand why you should take really could care of that card?
Patrick: Yes, sir. (walks out and uses the card to pick his teeth. SpongeBob runs after him)
SpongeBob: I can't let anything happen to that card. Mermaidman and Barnacleboy would never forgive me. Patrick, watch out! You almost tripped on that crack. (clicks a tiny seatbelt on Patrick's hand, which is holding the card) Whew! Now watch where you're going.
Patrick: Okay. Thanks, buddy.
SpongeBob: Patrick, look out! (a car comes screeching through the streets and SpongeBob jumps in front of Patrick so the mud on the ground doesn't get on the card. Sighs) that was close.
Patrick: Haha. SpongeBob, fly.
SpongeBob: Patrick, this is serious. You're carrying precious cargo now. You can't just wander aimlessly around like you been...
Patrick: What? (walks into Goo Lagoon)
SpongeBob: The card! (dives into Goo Lagoon and picks up Patrick and carries him across so the card doesn't get wet) Patrick, why'd you just walk into Goo Lagoon?
Patrick: SpongeBob, you can't always expect my usual brand of stupidity. I like to mix it up. Keep you on your toes. (walks across a construction beam and falls off the edge. A pot of fire is down below. SpongeBob jumps into the crane and gets Patrick to safety. Cut to SpongeBob dragging Patrick back to his rock)
SpongeBob: Here we are. Home safe home. (hugs rock) And nothing happened to the card.
Patrick: Good job, SpongeBob. Now let me just get my keys. (digs in his pocket and pulls out ice cream cone) Nope. (digs again and pulls out a key) There you are. I knew you were in there somewhere.
SpongeBob: (gasps) The super rare and priceless Mermaidman and Barnacleboy trading card! Patrick, where is it? Where is it? Dear Neptune! You didn't put it in your pocket, did you? It's getting all bent up! Bent up! Bent up! (cries) Bent up! Bent up! Bent-bent-bent-bent up!
Patrick: Sheesh. Don't get your pants up in a square knot, SpongeBob. I don't even believe in pockets. I keep everything I need right here. In the folds of my back fat. (pulls the card out of his back. It now stinks) You seem to be pretty fond of this little thing. Why don't you just keep it?
SpongeBob: You mean, you'd give me your most valuable possession?
Patrick: I'd give you my most valuable possession? (both hug)
SpongeBob: You're the best pal ever.
Patrick: I'm the best pal ever! But can you do me one favor?
SpongeBob: Sure, pal. Anything for you.
Patrick: Do you mind if I hold on to it? Just for today.
SpongeBob: Um... Sure, Patrick.
Patrick: Well, good. 'Cause my landlord changed the lock again.
SpongeBob: Patrick, wait! Let me call a locksmith.
Patrick: Oh, I don't need any old locksmith. (tries to open his rock with the card)
SpongeBob: But, Patrick... Don't...! Patrick don't...! P-Patrick, don't you think maybe you... that you shouldn't... (Patrick finally gets his rock open)
Patrick: Man! This card is fantastic! (Patrick's stomach growls) Breaking and entering sure makes a fella hungry. Hey, why don't we eat some dinner? And then I'll give you your card. (gets a barbecue grill) Ew! This barbecue's really filthy. I'll bet this'll take care of it.
SpongeBob: No, Patrick, uh, wait. Allow me to clean it.
Patrick: Now, now, SpongeBob. I know you wanna help, but you're my guest. (scrapes the grill with the card) There. Nice and shiny! (sets card on fire and lights the grill with the card)
SpongeBob: Patrick, the card! It's on fire!
Patrick: Oh, yeah, yeah, I'll take care of it. (spits on the card) There. Good as new.
SpongeBob: Ew.
Patrick: (cut to Patrick flipping the patties with the card) Dinner is served. (serves hamburgers on the card. SpongeBob takes his burger off the card. A bubble pops from it)
Mermaidman: ...more... cards...
Patrick: (burps and sighs) Oh, that hit the spot! Pardon me. (wipes his face with the card) Hey, look at that! Sundown already? Well, you can have your card now. I hope you get as much use out of it as I have.
Mermaidman: (distorted voice) Buy... more... cards... (card turns into dust)
SpongeBob: Oh, it's ruined! (cries)
Patrick: SpongeBob, what's wrong?
SpongeBob: Now I'll never have Mermaidman and Barnacleboy card number 54. The special talking one!
Patrick: Aw, sure you will.
SpongeBob: No! No, I spent all my money, and... and... and you bought the last pack! So there's no more left in all of Bikini Bottom.
Patrick: Well, what about these? (gets all the cards he has left out of his pocket)
Card: Mermaidman says:
Mermaidman: (Mermaidman ducks as a giant fist punches Barnacleboy) Buy more cards!
SpongeBob: Number 54! Patrick, where did you get these?
Patrick: Well, that one pack I bought was filled with them.
SpongeBob: May I... have one?
Patrick: They're all yours, buddy. See you tomorrow.
SpongeBob: Wow!
Patrick: Uh, hey, SpongeBob? Can I borrow one of those cards? I locked myself out of my house again.
End