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Patty Caper

(at the Krusty Krab, inside Mr. Krab's office with the lights off, except for a lamp. SpongeBob is standing in there facing Mr. Krabs)
SpongeBob: You wanted to see me, sir?
Mr. Krabs: Pull up a seat boy. (SpongeBob doesn't see anything)
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, there aren't any chairs.
Mr. Krabs: Sit, down! (SpongeBob sits) Now you've worked here for quite some time, boy.
SpongeBob: Ooh yes sir, and they've been the best years of my life, sir.
Mr. Krabs: That said fact aside, midway through today's lunch rush, we ran out of, the secret ingredient (Mr. Krabs hold up a bottle with the letter 'X' on it) to the secret formula! (Mr. Krabs holds up a bottle with the formula in it)
SpongeBob: (gasps) No!
Mr. Krabs: Listen up, boy. Any minute now, a truck driver is going to arrive, and i'm entrusting you to retrieve the secret ingredient, and I need you to do this with out any foul-ups! Understand?
SpongeBob: Could you repeat that? (Mr. Krabs looks at his watch)
Mr. Krabs: It's time! (Mr. Krabs presses a button which causes a siren to blare and puts the Krusty Krab on lockdown mode. A truck, surrounded by the S.W.A.T. team are all around it) Now go! And be sure to guard it with your life!
SpongeBob: I won't let you down.
Mr. Krabs: Wait!
SpongeBob: Yes?
Mr. Krabs: If anything happens to that secret ingredient, don't bother coming back to work. (SpongeBob whimpers. The truck backdoor opens)
S.W.A.T. #1: You Bob Pants?
SpongeBob: Uh, SpongeBob.
S.W.A.T. #1: Close enough. (throws the briefcase at SpongeBob) Now get outta here, kid! Pleanty of folks would love to get a hold of that ingredient.
SpongeBob: Yes, sir! (runs back to the Krusty Krab kitchen) And now, let's get you into the Krabby Patty, secret ingredienty. (there is no ingredient in the briefcase. Gasps) Where is it? Where is it? Where is it?! No! What's going to happen to the Krabby Patty secret recipe? (a hole from the birefcase shines onto his face) What's this? A hole? How did that happen? Clean incision... almost as if someone-- or something-- did this on purpose. That's it! A thief must have cut a hole and swiped the secret ingredient. But who?
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob? (he hides the birefcase behind his back) What are you doing lolly-gagging about? Get back to work!
SpongeBob: (sputtering) Right away, sir.
Mr. Krabs: Hop to it! There's a lot of hungry customer's out there.
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs trusted me, and I let him down.
Patrick: Hi, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: Hi, Patrick. Maybe you can help me.
Patrick: With what?
SpongeBob: With this. (Patrick takes the briefcase, squirts mustard on one side and then puts a bun on top and bottom of it)
Patrick: Here you go, buddy.
SpongeBob: Not that kind of help. This used to have the Krabby Patty secret ingredient inside, but now...it's missing.
Patrick: What?
SpongeBob: Someone stole it, Patrick! And we need to find out who!
Patrick: Find out!
SpongeBob: You and I are going to need to do a little detective work. (cut to the Chum Bucket where Plankton is in a high-chair, wearing a bib, and on a table)
Plankton: What are we eating this time, Karen?
Karen: (puts a Krabby Patty on the plate in front of Plankton) Something new.
Plankton: Oh, you mean the secret recipe I came up with?
SpongeBob: Aha! I knew it was you!
Plankton: What was me?
SpongeBob: Oh, come on Plankton. Don't play dumb. You know you stole the secret Krabby Patty ingredient.
Plankton: Pfft! Is this a joke?
SpongeBob: Why don't you tell me. Is it?!
Plankton: Uh... no?
Patrick: (laughs) Good one!
SpongeBob: All right, no more jokes. Either you tell me where the secret ingredient is, or... we'll be forced to use other means of making you talk. (Patrick holds up two black balls on a string and bangs them together)
Plankton: Sorry, I really have nothing for you.
SpongeBob: Then how do you explain this...? (holds up the Krabby Patty)
Plankton: Okay, you caught me.
SpongeBob: And so the truth floweth forth.
Plankton: Yes, it is a Krabby Patty.
Both: Mm-hmm.
Plankton: But, it's my version of a Krabby Patty.
SpongeBob: What?
Patrick: Huh?
Plankton: After thousands of failed attempts to steal the recipe, I learned all but one ingredient needed to make Krabby Patties, the most important ingredient, the secret ingredient. Over the years, i've methodically gone through almost every letter of the alphapet. Right now I'm on the R's and I've gotten up to... raw sewage.
SpongeBob: (sniffs the Krabby Patty) Yuck.
Plankton: Try it, tell me what you think. (SpongeBob & Patrick walk out of the Chum Bucket)
SpongeBob: Well he's clean, but if Plankton didn't steal the ingredient, who did?
Patrick: Good question. (odor from Krabby Patty comes out of his mouth)
SpongeBob: Only someone who specializes in science could reverse engineer the recipe based on the secret ingredient. Hmm... a scientist. (cut to Sandy's treedome where SpongeBob and Patrick crawl up to it) There she is. (Sandy walks up to her table and a covered pallet) You hang back. I'm going in for a closer look. (SpongeBob puts on a water helmet and digs a hole into her treedome. Then he hides behind her tree while Sandy reveals a bunch of Krabby Patties underneath the covered pallet. SpongeBob gasps) Oh my gosh! It is Sandy! (Sandy digs a holes and buries a Krabby Patty in it) Enjoying them Krabby Patties, lady?
Sandy: SpongeBob, how long have you been standing there, buddy?
SpongeBob: Oh long enough, buddy.
Sandy: I was just storing food for the impending winter. Want one?
SpongeBob: I'm onto you, squirrel. (sniffs the Krabby Patty) You thought no one could figure it out, but I pieced it together. I know exactly how you got all those patties.
Sandy: What exactly are you getting at, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: What I am getting at, is that you... (SpongeBob explains in a thought bubble) ...cloaked yourself with an invisibility potion, snuck through the security perimeter... (invisible Sandy picks up a SWAT member and puts him to the side)
S.W.A.T. #2: What was that?
S.W.A.T. #1: Here's the secret Krabby Patty ingredient.
SpongeBob: (time stops) ...then used a time freezing device to freeze time, used a laser beam to cut open the case, stole the Krabby Patty secret ingredient, (cut back to SpongeBob and Sandy in real time) reverse engineered it, and made your own patties so you wouldn't have to pay.
Sandy: Or... perhaps I walked into the Krusty Krab, purchased them, and received a receipt for these legally obtained patties. (shows SpongeBob receipt)
SpongeBob: (reads receipt) 283 Krabby Patties. (laughs nervously) That's right, I cooked this order. I guess that means you didn't use a laser beam or invisibility.
Sandy: SpongeBob, next time, before you run around accusing people of things, make sure your own house is in order first.
SpongeBob: My own house, huh? (cut to Spongebob & Patrick hovering over Gary at SpongeBob's house) Why'd you do it, Gary?!
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: You've told us that story a hundred times now, Gary. Unfortunately, my partner and I don't want to hear stories. We want to here the truth. Look, we know you stole the secret ingredient and it's obvious how you did it. (SpongeBob explains) First, you hitched a ride on a security chopper... then jumped into the drop zone... and then, when I stopped to pull up my sock, you snuck up behind me, and did what any snail could do. You shot corrosive acid from your tear ducts, which melted the case, allowing you to steal the secret ingredient. (cut to SpongeBob's house again)
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: Yeah, you're right Gary, that is impossible. I never would've stopped to pull up my sock during a pickup.
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: What's that, Gary?
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: You did see someone leaving the Krusty Krab with a mysterious black case that night? Mr. Snail, could you please describe this... this marauder to the sketch artist.
Gary: Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. (Patrick draws on a piece of paper)
Patrick: (gasps)I can't believe it! It was Squidward! (shows a drawing of Squidward eating a Krabby Patty. Cut to Squidward's house)
SpongeBob: Open up in there, Mr. Tentacles! We know you're in there! We just want to ask you a few... He's not cooperating.
Patrick: You know what to do. (SpongeBob uses Patrick to break down Squidward's front door)
Squidward: And one, and...
SpongeBob: We caught ya! You thought you could hide your crimes.
Patrick: But we heared what you've done.
Squidward: If I cared, I'd ask what this is about.
SpongeBob: Well I'm glad you ask because this is about you stealing the Krabby Patty secret ingredient. (SpongeBob explains again) And we have an eye witness who saw you leaving the scene of the crime, with a mysterious black case.
Squidward: A case like this? (shows SpongeBob a black case)
SpongeBob: Yes! Because you can't make Krabby Patties without... (both gasp) Tap dancing shoes?
Squidward: That's right, I was in a tap contest on the night in question, as you can see from my third place medallion.
SpongeBob: I guess that means you didn't steal the secret ingredient. (Squidward takes the briefcase and walks outside)
Squidward: Get out of my house!! (Squidward picks up his house and moves it to another spot. Cut to the Krusty Krab)
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, I don't know how, sir, but somebody stole the Krabby Patty secret ingredient.
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, you were in charge of guarding that secret ingredient with your life.
SpongeBob: (sobbing) I know Mr. Krabs. It just slipped away from me somehow.
Mr. Krabs: Well, do you have any leads or clues?
SpongeBob: All I know is that it had to be someone who knew about the delivery and be at the Krusty Krab during the delivery and this person would have to know what to do with the secret ingredient when he got it.
Mr. Krabs: That would be you, SpongeBob. You stole me secret ingredient!
SpongeBob: Me?
Mr. Krabs: That's right. And I know exactly how you carried out this little caper. (Mr. Krabs is explaining) You obviousley set up a decoy to take the delivery. Then, when no one was looking, you swooped in, stole the secret ingredient, and spirited it away to the Chum Bucket... (cut back to real time at Krusty Krab) where you sold it to Plankton to make a quick buck. (SpongeBob tries to talk, but Mr. Krabs stops him) Don't talk! You can tell it to the cops, 'cause I'm calling 'em right now. (two police officers pop out from a barrel by a table)
Cop: No need. We heard it all from this barrel.
Mr. Krabs: Then arrest this thief, Officers! (pointing with a bottle that has the letter 'X' on it towards SpongeBob)
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, isn't that the stolen secret ingredient?
Mr. Krabs: Uh... what are you talking about SpongeBob? I'm not holding any secret ingredient. (hides it behind his back)
Cop: Am I to understand that you stole the item in question?
Mr. Krabs: Well, I wouldn't call it stealing.
Cop: And you were going to let someone else take the fall for this little caper?
Mr. Krabs: I can explain.
Cop: Please do.
Mr. Krabs: It's simple. $1.99 is a lot to pay for the secret ingredient every time I get a delivery, so I... took it to avoid paying, you know.
Cop: I think Judge Trout will be very interested to hear this little story. (handcuffs Mr. Krabs)
Mr. Krabs: What? What'd I do? (cuts to the Court House)
Judge B. Trout: All rise. Eugene Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: Your honor?
Judge B. Trout: As punishment for commiting the crime of grand theft, I sentence you to give away Krabby Patties for free all day tommorow.
Mr. Krabs: Give away me Patties for free? Oh, no! I couldn't bear the sight of that! (cut to Krusty Krab where Mr. Krabs is screaming)
SpongeBob: Step right up and get your free Krabby Patties. (he hands out patties to a few customers as Mr. Krabs is held down by the Police Officers and forced to keep his eyes open during the whole ordeal. Mr. Krabs is screaming the entire time)
End