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No Nose Knows

(Squidward walks into his house and puts down some groceries from 'Nautical Mart')
Squidward: I thought I told that kid not to put the organic sea cucumber on top of the free-range anemones. (sighs) At least my flowers survived the trip. (inhales deeply. Then SpongeBob's nose is inhaled in his nostril. Squidward screams and sneezes SpongeBob across the room) SpongeBob, would you please find your own flowers to sniff?
SpongeBob: What about Patrick? Does he have to find his own flowers too? (Patrick's head pops out from the flowers and then the flowers droop and die)
Squidward: (sighs) What are you taking about, nitwit? He doesn't even have a nose.
Patrick: Of course I have a nose, Squidward. Why, it's as plain as the nose on my... (human hands touch his face as he figures out he doesn't have a nose afterall) ...face? (Patrick touches Squidward's nose and sobs. Then he touches SpongeBob's nose) You're right, Squidward. (sobs)
Squidward: My floors! Think fast, Squiddy. I've got your nose.
Patrick: You do?
Squidward: Yeah I've got it right here. (Squidward pretends to grab Patrick's invisible nose in his hand)
Patrick: Give it! Give it here!
Squidward: If you want it, you gotta go get it. (pretends to throw the nose out the door. SpongeBob and Patrick run after it as Squidward shuts the door)
Patrick: There! (Patrick picks up a purple shell) Well SpongeBob, what do you think of my new nose?
SpongeBob: Patrick, that's not a nose that's a... (a hermit crab bites Patrick where his nose should be. He screams) ...hermit crab.
Patrick: (sighs) I guess I'll always be a noseless freak. (cuts to SpongeBob and Patrick walking down town)
SpongeBob: It's not so abnormal to be noseless. Just look around. Lots of fish don't have noses.
Patrick: Yeah, but all my friends have noses. You, Squidward, Sandy, even Mr. Krabs. (Mr. Krabs crawls up and sniffs around the ground for money. He sees a penny)
Mr. Krabs: There ye are. (picks up the penny and goes back to sniffing)
SpongeBob: Well Patrick, if you're so concerned about not having a nose, why don't you just get a new one stitched onto your face.
Patrick: I can do that? (cuts to Patrick with a nose tied on around his face)
Woman: (over P.A.) Dr. Forest, dial...
Surgeon: Well, what do you think?
Patrick: Sorry Doc. I don't really think it's me.
Surgeon: That's A-OK. That's cool. As lead surgeon here, I take the hypothetical oath, which means I will not stop, I will not rest, I will not cut a single toenail until the customer is 100% satisfied! So please, browse our extensive wall of noses and I will patiently await your final decision.
Patrick: Ok! Let's see... hmmm (looks around)
Surgeon: Excellent choice! (pushes Patrick onto a medical bed. Cut to Patrick walking out of the store with a bandaged nose)
SpongeBob: All right Patrick, let's unveil the new schnoz! (tries to pull off the bandages, but Patrick stops him)
Patrick: Wait, stop! Careful SpongeBob! This fragile stitching requires tender care. Allow me to carefully remove the bandages. (Patrick squishes, rips furiously, uses egg beaters, and uses a sander on his nose to get the bandages off)
SpongeBob: There it is, Patrick, your brand-new sniffer! Looking good, buddy. (silence) Well, I've got to go to work now. Have fun with your new nose.
Patrick: I will. Now, how do I use this thing? (an aroma floats into his nose) What is that smell? (walks over to a bakery) Pastries? I never knew they smelled so good! (sticks his face and nose in the pastries)
Fish #1: Well, I guess I won't be eating those. (cut to Squidward walking out of the Nautical Mart with more pink flowers)
Squidward: Let's see Patrick destroy these. (Patrick sniffs them all in his nose like a vacuum cleaner, smells the freshly mowed grass, smells the deodorant he uses on his armpits, and some bread and perfume)
Patrick: All these years I knew I was missing out on something, but I never thought smelling could be this good! (Patrick smells something bad and falls) What is that horrible smell? (notices something on the ground) Onion rings? (sniffs them then covers his nose) That's sick! Nobody told me about bad smells! (a bad odor aroma taps him on the shoulder) What is it now? (Patrick turns around and sees a giant dumpster aroma that goes into his noses. He runs away from the stench) I'm gonna have to rethink this whole smelling thing. (jumps into his rock and closes it. The aroma crashes into his rock and disappears. Patrick sits in his chair) Oh, I made it. At least here at home I can't be attacked by those wretched odors. (Patrick sniffs something bad again) Bad smells are all around me! (sees a lot of trash and mess everywhere in his home. Runs outside) I cannot live in these conditions! (puts a mask over his nose and mouth, gets out some cleaner and a brush and goes back into his rock ready to clean)
Narrator: 48 hours later. (Patrick's rock is shiny clean but he's still cleaning it)
SpongeBob: Hiya, Patrick! I... whoa! Hey, looking good.
Patrick: Oh, the smells! They're everywhere! (shrieks) It's unbearable! (sobs as Squidward walks up)
Squidward: What's wrong with the pinhead? (Patrick sniffs and screams again)
Patrick: Oh, it's another one! No, I can't take it!
Squidward: Where do you think you're going?
Patrick: To do what should have been done long ago. (crashes into Squidward's house and heads for his bamboo fridge. Sniffs the rancid odor and opens the door, revealing some nasty cheese wrapped up and hanging down on a rope) Sweet Neptune! Imported cheese! (runs off and comes back wearing a mask and holding a sack) This is inexcusable! (puts the cheese in the sack) Yuck!
Squidward: What are you doing with my cheese? (Patrick stops him)
Patrick: It's rotten garbage now. (throws it in the garbage and blasts it with a rocket launcher) That's better.
Squidward: That was my cheese. It's supposed to smell like that, kelp-for-brains!
Patrick: You are sick, Squidward. (Patrick smells another odor) Ah! That smell again! (Patrick looks out the window, and we see SpongeBob working out)
SpongeBob: One...two...three...four... (is trying to lift a weight) Come on SquarePants, be a man! (lifts it up)
Patrick: You! (SpongeBob drops the weight on his face)
SpongeBob: Patrick, help!
Patrick: (throws the weight off his face) Oh, I'll help you, all right. Help stop you polluting our world with your sweaty holes. (plugs all of SpongeBob's holes with corks) There.
SpongeBob: I can't work at the Krusty Krab looking like this. I'm out of uniform.
Patrick: Well, you can't go to work smelling like that. You should be thanking me, SpongeBob. (smells another odor) Smell's like...something greasy. (cut to the Krusty Krab) Nobody moves! I am ridding this place of it's disgusting stench with these scented candles! (puts a candle on a table in front of a customer)
Fish #2: (sniffs and coughs) My mouth can't take these conflicting flavors! (runs away. Patrick puts more candles on every table)
Patrick: This air freshener should finish the job. (sprays it making everyone cough. Puts one more candle by the cashier)
Mr. Krabs: What the barnacles do you think you're doing?! You're chasing away all me customers! (everyone runs out of the Krusty Krab)
Patrick: Well, good. No one should have to eat in this stench! (Mr. Krabs thinks Patrick works for Plankton)
Mr. Krabs: What? Why, I got a good mind to...
Patrick: Say no more. You can thank me later. Right now, I've got plenty more stink holes to swab clean.
Mr. Krabs: Oh! That new honker of his has turned him into a complete jerk. (Patrick walks outside where Sandy walks past him, humming)
Sandy: Hiya, Pat! (Patrick sprays Sandy with the air freshener. Sandy screams and coughs)
Patrick: Take a bath, fleabag. (cut to the Krusty Krab where a meeting is taking place with SpongeBob, Squidward, Sandy, and Mr. Krabs)
Mr. Krabs: I've asked you all here because we all face a similar problem. The problem being a sea star with a nose that's gotten way out of hand.
Squidward: You got that right, yeah.
Sandy: Yeah!
Mr. Krabs: Now, what I want to know is are we going to do something about it?
Squidward: You bet we're gonna do. Yeah!
Sandy: Yeah, sure are.
Squidward: Let's give him what for.
Sandy: Let's hog-tie him and run him out of town on a rail.
SpongeBob: (in thought bubble) Come on SpongeBob, be a man! (speaking) Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: Not now, boy. We're in the middle of a public lashing. That no-good, nose-flaunting...
SpongeBob: It is not Patrick's fault!
All: Huh?
SpongeBob: It's the new nose that has betrayed us. My Grandma SquarePants always says, "Punish the nose, not the man." But we're going to need something foul, something beyond foul, a stench that will blow the socks off his fungus-infested socks! (cut to the four of them pushing a giant ball of stinky filth in front of Patrick's rock, while wearing white suits) Okay, this should be stinky enough. I've gathered every sweaty sock, moldy pizza, and rotten piece of fruit in Bikini Bottom. (puts a bad fruit onto the ball) With a little raw sewage for good measure.
Mr. Krabs: Attaboy. Now for the moment of truth.
SpongeBob: Yes, sir! (knocks on Patrick's rock and runs away)
Patrick: Hello. (sniffs the odor which, in turn, causes his nose to cough and dry out) No! (his nose falls off and vanishes into thin air) All I wanted was to be able to smell like the rest of you. (runs away crying. Cut to cemetery)
SpongeBob: (reading tombstone) Here lies the nose of Patrick Star. R.i.P. Well this is terrible. All Patrick wanted was to be like the rest of us, and we punished him for it.
Squidward: Who cares? At least now that pink moron will leave us alone.
Patrick: I heard that! (Patrick has giant ears now)
End
End