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Nautical Novice

(at Mrs. Puff's Boating School)
Mrs. Puff: Remember class there's only one way to park a boat: the safe way. You now see the importance of proper steering and a properly calibrated anchor. (SpongeBob is writing notes. Tears the piece of paper out of his notebook then stuffs it inside his head where other notes are) Which brings us to the subject of rudder maintenance. (school bell rings and everyone is cheering and running towards the door except SpongeBob)
SpongeBob: Barnacles. Just as we were getting to the nitty-gritty!
Mrs. Puff: Wait a minute, class. (everyone stops and bumps into each other) Remember, we will not be here tomorrow. We will be going on a field trip to the Boating Museum. Now run along, kids. (everyone runs out the door as Mrs. Puff sits at her desk)
SpongeBob: Wow, the Boating Museum. Maybe tomorrow if I can impress Mrs. Puff with an extensive knowledge of boating history, she'll give me a boating license on the spot! (laughs and then uses the desk as a driving machine) Vroom, vroom! See you tomorrow, Mrs. P.! (laughs)
Mrs. Puff: Neptune, give me strength.
(cut to SpongeBob's house in his library)
SpongeBob: Let's see. Oh, there she is. (stumbles off the ladder)
Gary: Meow. (book lands on SpongeBob's legs) Meow?
SpongeBob: What is this Gary? Why it's the complete history of all boating ever. And I'm going to memorize it tonight for the big field trip tomorrow.
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: I'm perfectly capable of reading 7,400 pages and still getting my required eight hours of sleep before the bus picks me up promptly at 8:00 a.m. tomorrow. Now if you'll excuse me, I'd like to get started. (Gary crawls away) Alright, let's see what this little pamphlet is all about. (starts reading) Chapter One: "In the beginning, Neptune created the sail."
Narrator: 7:59 a.m.
SpongeBob: "But such tragedies will be avoided with the flying boat of the future. The end." Time for a little shut eye before... (closes his eyes. Alarm horn goes off) Oh, Mrs. Puff, can't this wait till tomorrow? (closes eyes again then opens them wide) Hang on a minute! It is tomorrow! (runs out his door and chases the bus) Hey, wait! Hey! (sees Mrs. Puff in one of the windows) Mrs. Puff, please stop the bus!
Bus Driver: What was that?
Mrs. Puff: Nothing! Uh, just keep driving. (SpongeBob knocks on the window) Step on it! (driver puts the pedal to the metal)
SpongeBob: Wait!
Mrs. Puff: Whew. (SpongeBob plasters his face on the window. Mrs. Puff screams. SpongeBob gets inside the bus)
SpongeBob: No worries. I made it.
Mrs. Puff: SpongeBob, you look terrible.
SpongeBob: I assure you I am well-rested and ready to learn. Who knows, Mrs. Puff, before the day is out you may have learned something yourself. (Mrs. Puff smells SpongeBob's body odor so she sprays a "Shower in a Can" at him making SpongeBob look brand new) Hey, Mrs. Puff?
Mrs. Puff: Yes, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: I made this for you.
Mrs. Puff: Made what?
SpongeBob: (shows a tiny boat on his hand) This, the H.M.S. Pinafore, at 1 to 8,427 scale, of course.
Mrs. Puff: Thank you, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: Mrs. Puff?
Mrs. Puff: Yes, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: Do you know how many rowers it takes to propel a tri-beam?
Mrs. Puff: Well, that would be...
SpongeBob: Do you know which boat is fastest on record?
Mrs. Puff: Wasn't that the...
SpongeBob: Did you know in the future that all boats will be powered by dolphin manure? (zooming in after each question) Did you know that the H.M.S. Blue Toes was originally a racing boat before it became the royal family's private yacht? Do you know what scuttling is? What's bigger, a flotilla or a fleet? Did you know... Ever been on a... (bus stops and sends SpongeBob toward the windshield)
Bus Driver: We're here. (SpongeBob's liquid self slithers outside then forms into a sponge again. He notices the museum)
Mrs. Puff: Welcome class to the boating museum. This enormous vessel was once the largest in all the seas. But now that has been converted into a museum, it no longer moves.
SpongeBob: Yeah, actually it gets taken to port once a year for maintenance.
Mrs. Puff: If you don't mind, SpongeBob, I'll be doing the teaching today.
SpongeBob: No problem-o, Mrs. P. (everyone enters the museum)
Mrs. Puff: Here it is, class. The most extensive collection of sea fairing history ever assembled-- from giant naval vessels to more modest craft, like this clamming boat.
SpongeBob: I'd say this baby can hold up to ten clam fishers.
Mrs. Puff: Uh, sure, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: Why, I bet they reel in up to fifty clams a day.
Mrs. Puff: Moving along. Over here we have the Sandy Nub. It was a cargo ship used to bring back exotic spices from far away lands.
SpongeBob: Bah! With two direct-action steam turbines producing 6,500 horsepower geared up to triple screws, (snaps) it'll get your spices where they need to go.
Mrs. Puff: (angry, calm voice) Thank you, again, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: It's working! She's noticing my vast of knowledge. I can now taste the sweet, sweet lamination of a fresh boating license. (cut to another boat)
Mrs. Puff: This class is the Lady Scallion.
SpongeBob: Named after the captain's strict diet of scallions, of which the crew complained and the captain's odor strongly resembled. (class starts taking pictures) For four years, this brigantine explored distant lands, discovering places unknown to anyone besides the people who already lived there. (elbows Mrs. Puff, who is groaning) You ready to give me that license yet, Mrs. Puff?
Mrs. Puff: Oh, you're going to get it all right.
SpongeBob: (sing-song) I knew it! (montage of SpongeBob teaching the class different things while Mrs. Puff just gives up on teaching the class the museum)
Mrs. Puff: (everyone walking out of the boat) Okay, this is the end of the tour. Anything to add, SpongeBob? SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: (sitting in the chair in front of the steering wheel) Ooh boy, here it is! The main controls. Just look at all this stuff. There's the triple oscillator. And there's the hoist pully. And there's the booby trap. And there's the long-range mast knob. And there's a hot dog with extra mustard. (gasps) And there is the starter mechanism. Yes, right there (points at a green A/C button). "A/C." Hmmm. That's short for "automatic cositionada." And that's fancy talk for, let's get this party started. Like, instantly. (Presses A/C button. The air blows out fast. He moves it to the left side). Whew. (the air turns the ignition key on and an alarm goes off and the boat starts moving) Man, I'm glad that's over. Oh, that's a nice touch. What a soothing projection screen (tapping on the glass. SpongeBob looks behind him)
Mrs. Puff: That's not a projection screen! (jumps onto SpongeBob's lap) SpongeBob, stop it right now!
SpongeBob: Yes, ma'am! (flips the turbo speed switch and the boat goes faster)
Mrs. Puff: Oh, sweet Poseidon. Move aside. (pushes SpongeBob away) I gotta stop this ship before it plows into Bikini Bottom! Uh, uh, let's see. The first thing to turn off is the... Uh, oh, dear Neptune! I've never driven anything this advanced before. (pulls SpongeBob back). SpongeBob, I hope you know what you were talking about, because it's up to you now.
SpongeBob: Okay. (tries the steering wheel)
Mrs. Puff: We don't have much time. In a few minutes we'll be flattening millions of lives!
SpongeBob: Innocent lives?
Mrs. Puff: Yes, and you're the only that can save them.
SpongeBob: The only one... that can... save... them?
Mrs. Puff: Yes! Now what I want you to do is tighten the gurneys. Then survey the poop deck. Then...
SpongeBob: Stop! I know what to do. (puts on a pirate hat) I read a book. Chapter one, batten down the hatches. (pulls down a lever causing the doors to close) Next, lower anchor. (pulls a chain to lower the anchor but the anchor gets stuck on some rope) No, the anchor's stuck. I'm going to have to free it manually. I'll be right back. (jumps onto the chain of the anchor and tries to pull it. When the anchor is free, he climbs up the chain and back into the main control room). Done and done. Thirdly, utter a hearty seaman's laugh. (laughs heartedly)
Mrs. Puff: Oh, my gravy! He even knows the hearty laugh. He has been doing his homework!
SpongeBob: And finally, the coupe de grace, the only way to park the largest ship ever built is by performing the reverse 720 tailspin.
Mrs. Puff: (gasps) Bu-but that never even been attempted before.
SpongeBob: You're right, it hasn't. Not until now! (ships does multiple spins and flips. Then barely touches a building in Bikini Bottom. Both SpongeBob & Mrs. Puff sigh)
Mrs. Puff: SpongeBob, I don't know how, but you did it. You saved us all. Let's get off this thing. (both are getting off the ship) And the way you pulled the anchor out, genius! I never thought I'd say this, but here's your driver's license.
SpongeBob: (shrieks and gasps) Oh, boy! At long last.
Sailor: What are you two doing here?!
SpongeBob & Mrs. Puff: Huh?
Sailor: No one should be on board while I'm tugging the museum into port.
Mrs. Puff: You mean he wasn't driving this thing at all?
Sailor: Heck, no! (Mrs. Puff rips up the drivers license and SpongeBob takes off his pirate hat) Oh, don't get so down, kid. Look, for your false bravery, I'm giving you your honorary sea legs, okay? Come on, let me buy you some ice cream. (alarm dinging)
SpongeBob: Oh, gosh. Headlights are on.
Mrs. Puff & Tugboat Driver: Don't touch anything, you twit!
Sailor: Run! (boat flips over upside-down)
Mrs. Puff: (inflates) Well, at least you studied.
End