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Pest of the West

(The episode starts with an outside shot of The Krusty Krab, which quickly zooms in to the building itself. The scene cuts to the cash register. Squidward has his head in his heads and looks as gloomy as usual. Suddenly, SpongeBob comes out the kitchen door, backing out first)
SpongeBob: Backing up! (SpongeBob walks backwards with a tray of food and drink, whilst bending over as he does so, and makes noises like a truck in reverse)
Squidward: You're better off not knowing.
(The scene cuts to a customer sitting on an empty table. SpongeBob stops and puts the tray on the table. In the background we can see Patrick coming up to the entrance of the Krusty Krab)
SpongeBob: Your Krabby Patty, sir!
Customer: Do you always serve your food this way?
SpongeBob: You mean with a smile? Yes, sir! (SpongeBob does a salute as he says this)
(Patrick bursts through the doors, with a pretend horse and hat)
Patrick: Beware! Let it be known, to all far and wide! (Shouting) The molluscs are coming! Tally-ho, the molluscs are coming! The molluscs are coming! The molluscs are coming!
SpongeBob: Not the molluscs!
Patrick: (Frightened) Molluscs? What molluscs?
SpongeBob: (Drawn out) There aren't any molluscs coming, are there Patrick?
Patrick: No. I was only pretending to be my famous great great great uncle Patrick Revere! He rode through the streets warning Bikini Bottom of the coming hoards of ravenous man-eating molluscs!
(Flashback as we see Patrick Revere riding down the street on a sea horse, with two bystander fish in the background)
Patrick Revere: The molluscs are coming! The molluscs are coming!
Patrick: (voiceover) It's too bad nobody listened to him.
Flashback fish #1: (To flashback fish #2) What be-eth the deal with ye olde nutcase?
(The two fish start screaming as molluscs start chasing them down the street)
(Flashback ends, cut back to the present day at the Krusty Krab)
SpongeBob: Wow, Patrick, I didn't know you had a famous relative.
Patrick: Well the best part about it is I don't have to accomplish anything in life, because my uncle already did it for me. Really takes the ol' pressure off.
(Mr Krabs walks in from the left)
Mr Krabs: That's nothing! My great great grand-pappy Krabs invented the greatest thing since loose change, the spend-thrift bill fold system! Allow me to demonstrate. (Mr Krabs offers SpongeBob a dollar note out of his wallet) Hey SpongeBob, how about a raise?
SpongeBob: (About to pick up the note) Gee thanks, Mr Krabs!
Mr Krabs: A-a-ah, watch!
(Mr Krabs pulls the note out of his wallet and a metallic trap sets on his claw)
Mr Krabs: (In pain) See?
SpongeBob: Doesn't that hurt?
Mr Krabs: (Weakly) Everytime. (Mr Krabs walks off, still in visible pain)
SpongeBob: (Sad) Gosh, I don't have anyone famous in my family.
Patrick: Oh. Well, then it's lucky you have me as a famous friend (takes the hat off) or your life would be a hollow shell.
(Scene transition: SpongeBob, looking deflated, is walking up to a statue covered in jellyfish/bird excrement)
SpongeBob: (Looking up) I'll bet you're somebody's famous poop-covered ancestor. (sighs)
(SpongeBob is now walking down the street)
SpongeBob: I never realised how sad and empty my life was, until my friends pointed it out.
(Sandy appears from the left, making karate sounds and movements)
Sandy: Hi-yah!
SpongeBob: (Still walking) Hi Sandy.
Sandy: Something wrong, SpongeBob? You look sadder than a bullfrog full of sody [sic] pop.
SpongeBob: Do you have any famous relatives, Sandy?
Sandy: I sure do! My great aunt Rosy Cheeks was the first squirrel to discover oil, at Spindletop, Texas!
(Flashback showing real-life squirrel sitting atop an oil )
Person: (Shouting) She's ready to blow! (An oil blowout occurs)
(Cut back to present day)
SpongeBob: Seems like everybody in town has a famous relative. Everybody except me.
Sandy: Come on, I bet ya'll got someone famous in your family tree.
SpongeBob: Well there was my Uncle Sherm, he could stick an entire watermelon up his nose!
Sandy: That's not the kinda famous I mean. Come on, let's do a little digging around your family tree.
(Scene transition to Bikini Bottom Library)
Sandy: "Family Histories of Bikini Bottom". (Opens book) Let's see, SquareHead, SquareShirt, SquarePants, hey look at here! (Points to photo in book)
SpongeBob: (gasps)
Sandy: It's a statue of SpongeBuck SquarePants.
SpongeBob: I've never even heard of him. He got his own statue?
Sandy: Says here he saved the entire town of Dead Eye Gulch. That's what Bikini Bottom was known as in the Old West days.
(Flashback)
Sandy: (voiceover) It was a town that lived under the tyranny of a nasty crook, ‘till a mysterious stranger came to town.
SpongeGuy: Wow, the big city. Well, time to make my fortune.
Sandy: (voiceover) Back in ‘em days, the whole place was run by that no good glute, Dead Eye!
SpongeBuck: Whoo-wee! This place sure is big and fancy like. Gee willokers they got an ice cream parlor!
(Cut to shop sign that says ‘Dead Eye Funeral Parlor' before the shot moves down to reveal another sign that says ‘and Ice Cream Parlor')
SpongeBuck: I'll take one scoop of vanilla ice cream please!
Ice cream parlor guy: You're new here, aren't you?
SpongeBuck: Yep, I just got offa the train.
Ice cream parlor guy: You don't say?
(SpongeBuck turns around and starts eating the ice cream, whilst the parlor guy starts measuring his width and height, before quickly making a wooden coffin in his size after SpongeBuck has left).
Mr. Krabs: Business is good today!
SpongeBuck: Howdy do, ya'll?
Squidward: Great, another hayseed.
Mr Krabs: (whispering) Charge him double for his drinks.
SpongeBuck: Howdy, partners. Pardon, but is this stool taken?
Guy sitting next to SpongeBuck: Yeah, some fancy dude just sat in it.
Squidguy: What can I get you, stranger.
SpongeBuck: Gimme a shot… of milk.
Squidguy: Milk?!
SpongeBuck: Two percent.
Squidguy: (sarcastically) Think you can handle it?
SpongeBuck: I drink this stuff every day. Over the lips and through the gums, look out tapeworm here it comes! Get ready tapey (laughs)
(SpongeBob falls off the stool)
SpongeBob: (Dizzily) Oh yeah… smooth.
Squidward: (sarcastically and drawn out) Right.
(Mr Krabs suddenly appears from the left)
Mr Krabs: What brings you to Dead Eye Gulch, stranger?
Squidward: Strange is right.
SpongeBuck: The name's SpongeBuck. I left home to make my way in the big city. (pulls out ‘Sheriff wanted' flyer) I'm here for the job.
Mr Krabs: Wonderful! You're hired. (Mr Krabs puts a sheriff badge on SpongeBuck) Hey everybody, meet our new sheriff!
(Everyone cheers)
SpongeBuck: Sheriff?! I'm not here for the sheriff job! (We see a small portion of the poster that says ‘Fry cook wanted') I'm here for the fry cook job. Back home I'm known for my rootin tootin never pootin chilli! The spiciest chili west of the old red barn!
(SpongeBuck has a piping hot bowl of chili on him that he grabs seemingly from nowhere. Mr Krabs has a spoonful and spits it out all over SpongeBuck)
Mr Krabs: No offence kid, but your chili tastes terrible.
SpongeBuck: In a good way?
Mr Krabs: No, in a terrible way! (Pointing to the badge) Look, we already gave you the badge, and the law of the west says, "No take-backs".
Squidward: Since when?
(Mr Krabs waves finger at Squidward and makes gibberish noise, as if to say stop talking)
Mr Krabs: (To SpongeBuck) So that means, you're the new sheriff!
SpongeBuck: What happened to the old sheriff?
Mr Krabs: Er, he's at Boot Hill.
(Scene cuts briefly to Boot Hill, which is a cemetery).
SpongeBuck: Why is he at Boot Hill?
Mr Krabs: Because ‘Old Dead Tree Hill' is totally full.
(Patrick bursts through the doors)
Patrick: He's a comin'! Dead Eye's a comin'!
Everyone: Dead Eye!?
Mr Krabs and Squidward: Dead Eye!?
SpongeBuck: Who's Dead Eye?
Patrick: I'll tell you who Dead Eye is! But I shall do it through song.
(Patrick gets up onto the bar)
Patrick: Maestro if you please.
(Squidward takes a bow and puts a coin in the piano to make it start playing)

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Oh, Bikini Gulch was a perty place
With sweet water and blue sky
'Til one day a beast come a-ridin' from the east
By the name of ol' Dead Eye (That dirty, no-good Dead Eye)

Oh, he's robbed this town
He's pulled my pants down
He made all the pretty girls cry
That no-good goon wants my saloon and the IOU's due tomorrow noon

If we don't get some help here real soon
We'll lose everything we own to Dead Eye
We'd stop him if we weren't to scared to try

And if you think that's funny
Let me tell ya sonny
You won't be laughing when you see
His... Big... Red... Dead Eye (Dead Eye!)
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(everyone gasps as Dead Eye is under the doors)
Plankton: That's me. Dead Eye Plankton.
Patrick: Who?
Squidward: We just sang whole song about him.
Plankton: Well, what are y'all looking at? (everyone scatters as Dead Eye walks up to Patrick and rips his clothes off)
Patrick: Aw... again? (Dead Eye Plankton flips up a checker-board and takes his whip and hits the chips into the milk bottles, breaking them)
Plankton: Get up, you two! I'm here for my...money, Krabs.
Mr Krabs: (giggles) What? How am I suppose to keep the deed to me saloon when you keep taking all me mortgage payments? I'm going broke here.
Plankton: That's the idea. (laughs) I thought we were all clear on that.
Mr Krabs: Oh yeah.
Plankton: I'll be back at high noon tomorrow for the deed.
SpongeBuck: Hey! That's not your money!
Plankton: Who said that? (Mr Krabs points to SpongeBuck) Well, last time I checked, this town was Dead Eye Gulch. Not Yokelburg. (slaps knee and laughs) Yokelburg. (clears throat) Who are you anyway?
SpongeBuck: I'm SpongeBuck, the new sheriff. Want some chili?
Plankton: Sheriff? 'Round these parts we call 'em Coffin Jockeys.
SpongeBuck: Coffin Jockeys? (grabs Mr Krabs) You didn't say anything about that!
Plankton: That must be a new record for running off a sheriff. (horse neighing and sputtering)
SpongeBuck: (in a coffin) Hope I haven't missed the first post. Whoa girl!
Plankton: Where do you get these guys? (Mr Krabs shrugs) All right, kid, I'm gonna make it simple for you. I'm a villain. Got it?
SpongeBuck: Uh-huh.
Plankton: And this town ain't big enough for the both of us, understand?
SpongeBuck: Yup.
Plankton: So, vamoose, or we're gonna have to settle this thing Western style at high noon. Savvy?
SpongeBuck: Sounds great.
Plankton: You have no idea what I'm talking about, do you?
SpongeBuck: N-no.
Plankton: (sighs) Hi-yah! (uses his whip to scare the coffin horse)
SpongeBuck: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Ah! Whoa! Oh! (coffin horse takes him out of town)
Plankton: And stay out! (checks watch) Hey, only three seconds off my record. (everyone is staring at him) What are you hayseeds looking at? Hyah! (uses his whip again) Get! Get out of here!
Kid: What's gonna happen to the town now, pa?
Pa: I ain't your pa. (whip is used again as the child and pa run away)
Plankton: I love this town.
(fade to black)
SpongeBuck: (coffin horse still riding in the desert) Whoa, there. Whoa! (crashes down a hill) Looks like the end of the trail. We're out of food, water, and lip balm. (lip balm disappears and his lips crack) I'm sorry Old Pine. I guess I'll have to put you out of your misery. (takes out saw) So long, old friend.
Skull: Hey, buddy, you better be careful. The heat does funny things to your head.
SpongeBuck: It does?
Skull #2: Oh, don't listen to that guy, kid. He's loony. (Patrick walks up as the skulls and SpongeBuck are laughing)
Patrick: Well, hey, SpongeBuck. Those guys are a barrel of laughs, huh? But lazy! Well, anyway, you got to get back and save the town, Sheriff.
SpongeBuck: I ain't no sheriff or fry cook or even coffin jockey. And I'm no match for Dead Eye Plankton. I'm nothing. (Patrick slaps him)
Patrick: Out West, a man gets right back on his coffin and faces his problems with the help of his idiot sidekick friend. That's me.
SpongeBuck: I don't know. (gets slapped again) Okay, okay. I'll do it. Just stop hurting me. Besides, you're right. It's time I stepped up and look fate in the eye, so I'll go back to Dead Eye Gulch, whip Plankton and save the town at high noon.
Patrick: Hop on, buddy. (SpongeBuck gets in Patrick's coffin horse)
SpongeBuck: Thanks, idiot friend, but I don't know how we'll ever get back to Dead Eye Gulch by high noon.
Patrick: Don't worry. I got a shortcut. Hee-yaw! (Patrick jumps off the cliff, onto a cactus, and back towards town. Cut to Mr Krabs, Mrs. Puff, and Squidward on a buggy headed out of town)
Mrs. Puff: Why are we going so fast?
Mr Krabs: 'Cause without a sheriff, Dead Eye won't stop till he has the clothes off our backs. (whipping is heard. Dead Eye Plankton is laughing)
Plankton: Good idea. (cut to the three of them without their normal clothes) Okay, let's see. Personal possessions? Clothes off your backs? That should about do it. Look I'm just gonna go drop off all my new stuff at the bank. I'll be back at high noon to rub my victory in your face with a little dance. (dances)
Squidward: I gotta admit: he's got skills.
Plankton: That's right, and at noon when I take the deed to your saloon, Krabs, I'll own every building in town and you'll will have to work for me the rest of your miserable lives. (laughs then coughs) Swallowed a bug. I hate that. Ooh! It totally ruins an evil laugh. Yee-haw! (rides away)
Mr Krabs: I guess that's it.
Mrs. Puff: We lost.
Squidward: I don't know how it could get any worse. (SpongeBuck and Patrick come screaming down into the ground)
SpongeBuck: Howdy guys. I'm back in the nick of time.
Patrick: We're heroes.
Squidward: You're morons.
Mrs. Puff: It's too late. Plankton's taken everything.
SpongeBuck: But it's only 11:55. The final showdown always takes place at high noon.
Mrs. Puff: Well, I guess the early bird gets the worm.
Squidward: And all our stuff.
Mr Krabs: And me money. (sniffles) Me beautiful, beautiful money.
SpongeBuck: You can't give up! Before I came here, I would've given up, too. But in the short twenty minutes I've known you, I've come to love Dead Eye Gulch.
Mr Krabs: Could you get to the point? We're freezing.
SpongeBuck: What I'm a-saying is, if we all team up together we can stand up to Dead Eye Plankton and run him right out of Dead Eye Gulch for good. So, what do you say?
Mr Krabs: Well, I think we all know the answer.
All: Forget it, SpongeBuck.
Patrick: Why are y'all standing in your pajamas? No, don't tell me...oh, I know! You're throwing a slumber party. (takes off clothes to reveal pajamas underneath) Pillow fight! (hits Squidward)
Squidward: Ow! (Patrick laughs as he hits SpongeBuck)
SpongeBuck: Ow! That pillow sure packs a wallop.
Patrick: It's made out of wood (takes cover off) like all pillows in the Old West. Round two?
SpongeBuck: I do believe I'll sit this one out.
Patrick: Looks like it's just me and you, kid. (hits self in face with wood three times)
SpongeBuck: Come on, guys, we can do this if we work together.
Mr Krabs: No offense, kid, but your advice is as terrible as your chili.
SpongeBuck: I don't blame you for losing faith. I lost faith too. But then I discovered the love of my new, idiot friend, and together we've come far. So I'm sure with all of us working together in idiot friendship, we can we can beat Dead Eye and save the town. So let's huddle up and make a plan, together! (everyone makes a huddle. SpongeBuck whispers)
Patrick: Uh-huh. Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Squidward: Uh, SpongeBuck, why do you keep saying... (makes whisper noises)
SpongeBuck: Um...?
Squidward: You don't have a plan, do you?
SpongeBuck: No. To be honest, I didn't think I'd get this far. (everyone grumbles) But I know we can beat him if we just work together.
Plankton: Oh, I am terrified.
All: Dead Eye Plankton?!
Plankton: So, Fry Cook, you're back, and all alone.
SpongeBuck: You wish, Dead Eye. We are united, right g... Hey! (everyone is in the back of the town)
Mr Krabs: We're right behind ya, boy. Way, way behind ya.
Plankton: So it's come to this: mano y mano.
SpongeBuck: Well, you can hold the mano, because it's come down to you and me.
Plankton: Well, well, well. Look at the time: high noon. (SpongeBuck and Plankton face each other and walk closer to each other as everyone else watches. SpongeBuck steps on Plankton)
Plankton: Ow!
Mr Krabs: Huh? (everyone sees that Plankton has been defeated and cheers)
Plankton: I hate all of you.
Mr Krabs: Can I try?
Plankton: You can't do this! (Mr Krabs steps on him) Ow!
Patrick: Three yee-haws for SpongeBuck.
All: Yee-haw! Yee-haw! Yee-haw! (cut to later in the saloon. Mr Krabs is selling a 'Stomp On Dead Eye' for one dollar)
Mr Krabs: Step right up, everyone. Just a dollar to step on ol' Dead Eye Plankton! (a few of them give a dollar to him)
Mrs. Puff: Take that, you no-good, little varmint.
Plankton: I have a lot of money! (stepped on again) Aah!
Patrick: Well, Sheriff, you beat Dead Eye Plankton and saved the town. (drinks milk with SpongeBuck)
SpongeBuck: You forgot the most important part.
Patrick: What's that?
SpongeBuck: I discovered the power of idiot friendship.
Patrick: Come with me, I want to show you something.
Mr Krabs: Thank you, Sheriff SpongeBuck, for saving our town and for stepping on that little varmint.
Plankton: History will vindicate me! (Patrick steps on him over and over)
Mr Krabs: We melted down Plankton's gold and made a statue in your honor. (unveils the golden statue)
Squiward: I liked my design better. (drew a statue of himself)
Mr Krabs: Sorry about the whole tricking-you-into-being-sheriff thing. And to make it up to you, I got a new badge for you. If you'll take it. (pins it on SpongeBuck)
SpongeBuck: Wow! Fry Cook. Thank you, good people of Bikini Gulch. The statue is truly amazing. Maybe a little too heavy in the hindquarters, but still, if I ever have a great, great, great, great, great, great, great grandson, I would want him to look at this statue and say "Hey, I'm proud of my great, great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather."
All: Aw!
Photographer: Say 'seaweed.' (takes picture of SpongeBuck, Patrick, Squidward, Mr Krabs, and Mrs. Puff)
(Back to present time)
SpongeBob: So my great, great, great, great, great, great, great grandpa, SpongeBuck, saved the town of Bikini Gulch and everyone in it. I wonder what happened to the statue of my great, great, great, great, great, great, great grandpa. It was much better than the one we have now.
Sandy: Yeah, and it's covered in Jellyfish poop.
SpongeBob: Wait a minute! (walks up to the statue and start peeling off the poop)
Sandy: Gross! Don't touch that, SpongeBob! Eww! What're you doing? (SpongeBob is wiping off the poop with his body, revealing some gold) That boy ain't hooked up right.
SpongeBob: Look Sandy!
Sandy: Huh?
SpongeBob: SpongeBuck was here all along. Sorry great, great, great, great, great, great, great grandpa. I didn't recognize you all covered in poop.
Sandy: Wow!
SpongeBob: I've got a lot to live up to. Maybe one day, people will know the name SpongeBob SquarePants.
Sandy: Keep dreaming, SpongeBob. Keep dreaming.
(fade to black then back to Bikini Gulch Krusty Kantina)
SpongeBuck: Hey everybody! It's good to be here in the Krusty Kantina. We got a real special show for y'all tonight featuring my new best pal...this guy! (in walks Patrick) He's an idiot.
Patrick: So what are we going to sing about, SpongeBuck?
SpongeBuck: We're gonna sing a song about friends.
Patrick: What kind of friends, SpongeBuck?
SpongeBuck: Well, listen up, and I'll tell ya.

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SpongeBuck:
Who's there for you when you are sad and down?

Pecos Patrick:
Hey!

Skulls:
Idiot friends

Pecos Patrick:
Who picks you up and smacks you all around?

Skulls:
Idiot friends

SpongeBuck:
Who puts thorns in you so you can save the town?

Pecos Patrick:
Idiot friends, idiot friends

SpongeBuck, Pecos Patrick, Skulls:
Idiot friends

Pecos Patrick:
Duh, duh duh duh, doo duh doh doh

SpongeBuck, Pecos Patrick, Skulls:
Idiot friends!

Pecos Patrick:
Duh dee duh duh, doo, duh duh duh

SpongeBuck, Pecos Patrick, Skulls:
Idiot friends!

Pecos Patrick:
Dee duh duh, duhdoo doh, duh doh

[Dead Eye Plankton drops Pecos Patrick's pants and laughs]

SpongeBuck:
Who helps you pick your pants up off the ground?

Pecos Patrick:
Thanks, buddy.

Dead Eye Plankton:
Curses!

Pecos Patrick:
Only an idiot friend would do that

SpongeBuck:
Let's bring it home, idiot friend

Pecos Patrick:
Okay!

SpongeBuck:
Who'll let you ride on his coffin?

Pecos Patrick:
Who slaps you hard and often?

SpongeBuck:
What do you and me have in common?

SpongeBuck and Pecos Patrick:
We're idiot friends!
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SpongeBuck: Thank you, thank you very much.
End