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Squidward's School for Grown Ups

(SpongeBob and Patrick walk out of their houses and toward each other)
SpongeBob: Good morning, Patrick.
Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: You ready for some fun, old pal?
Patrick: I sure am, old buddy.
SpongeBob: Hey, here comes fun now. (a boat is coming down the road. SpongeBob and Patrick take a deep breath and scream as the boat drives past them both. They tumble on the ground then laugh)
SpongeBob: Hoo, wow! It doesn't get any better than that.
Patrick: Yeah. I love boat screaming. Oh, hey, hey, hey! Here comes another one! (a couple in a boat is driving down the road. SpongeBob and Patrick scream)
SpongeBob: Here comes another one. (SpongeBob and Patrick scream as the boat passes them. They do this for every boat, big or small)
Plankton: Morons. (they continue for a few more boating vehicles)
Squidward: (opens up a window) Would you two mind stopping with your baby games? Didn't anybody tell you it's the break of dawn?
SpongeBob: Oh, good morning, Squidward. Yeah, Patrick here told me.
Squidward: When are you two gonna grow up?
Patrick: How do you play that?
SpongeBob: Oh! Maybe Squidward can come down and teach us how to play it. That'll be real fun. Won't it Patrick? (sees Patrick asleep. Tries screaming again after a boat passes by but gets bored easily) It just not the same without Patrick playing along, too. (taps Patrick but he's still asleep) Alright, Patrick, you leave me no choice. (pinches Patrick's leg)
Patrick: Ow! (turns his head and has a full-grown beard) What's the big idea?
SpongeBob: Patrick, you have a beard!
Patrick: I do? (cut to SpongeBob and Patrick walking)
SpongeBob: You sure look grown-up with that new beard.
Patrick: Wow. You really think so? (Squidward walks up behind him)
Squidward: And everybody knows that grown-ups never play with kids. And on that note, I would like to personally commend the sea star for taking his first baby steps into the adult world. Facial hair is a good start, I suppose.
Patrick: I am curious to know what mature people, like Squidward, do. Won't you show me?
Squidward: Show you?
Patrick: Show me, show me! Oh, please, please, please! Pretty please. Pretty please.
Squidward: (sighs) I know I'm going to regret this... Alright, I will take on this mission.
Patrick: Hooray!
Squidward: In the hopes that a quiet, grown-up neighborhood will prevail at last, moving me one step closer to peace and blessed tranquility. A place where I can...
SpongeBob: Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
Squidward: What?!
SpongeBob: May I tag along and observe your instruction?
Squidward: Why in a million years will I let you tag along?
SpongeBob: Because maybe some of your lessons in maturity will rub off on me, bringing us two steps closer to a quiet, grown-up neighborhood.
Squidward: Wow, that actually makes sense. It must be working already.
SpongeBob: Is that a yes? (Squidward grumbles. Cut to later at Squidward's house)
Squidward: Let me escort you to my place, my good sir. We need to start with personal grooming for your grown-up makeover.
Patrick: (stretches pants) Sounds good to me.
Squidward: We may have to find you some new clothes as well.
Patrick: New clothes?
Squidward: To go along with your new beard, which makes you look very distinguished.
Patrick: Distinguished?
SpongeBob: (holds up hand) Alright! Distinguished.
Patrick: (holds up hand) Yeah!
Squidward: (grabs both of their hands) Excuse me? Grown-ups do not high-five.
Patrick: Oh, right. (Squidward and Patrick enter Squidward's house. SpongeBob scats as he enters. Inside, Squidward is teaching Patrick how to tie a bow tie. SpongeBob walks up with new clothes and a hat)
SpongeBob: So, um, what do you guys think? Sweet duds, huh, Patrick?
Patrick: Heh, they sure are.
Squidward: Ahem!
Patrick: --for a baby.
Squidward: Well played, Patrick. Well played. (they walk off. Cut to Bikini Bottom Men's Club where Patrick and Squidward walk up to a green fish at the doors
Fish: May I take your hat and cane, sir?
Patrick: Why, certainly. (hangs him his hat and cane)
Fish: Enjoy your evening, gentlemen. (SpongeBob slides in and dances. Squidward mumbles. Cut to Squidward and Patrick sitting down in chairs when a waiter comes in and puts a covered plate on the table)
Waiter: Appetizers. (uncovers the plate to reveal some tetrazzini)
SpongeBob: Oh boy, eats! (jumps in the air and sits on the floor next to Patrick) Yum, yum, yum!
Waiter: (uncovers another plate of food) And we also have milk and cookies. (hands it to SpongeBob, who starts eating)
Patrick: Oh! Are those chocolate-chip cookies? Can I have--
Squidward: Patrick! I'm sure you rather have some tetrazzini we grown-ups ordered, right?
Patrick: Duhhhh. Yes, Squidward. I'm frankly shocked they serve such elementary fare here.
Squidward: Indeed. (cut to an art museum)
Squidward:(all three walk up to a statue) And my personal favorite piece is this lovely statue from the Reef-aissance Era.
Patrick: Boring!
Squidward: "Boring"?
Patrick: Oh, uh no, I said "flooring". The flooring compliments the artwork here exquisitely.
Squidward: Yes, yes I suppose it does. (sees SpongeBob on the statue, laughing) SpongeBob! Get down from there right now.
SpongeBob: (snaps a picture and falls off the statue) D'oh! (gets stuck on a picture and then gets off but left an imprint of a square on it) Don't worry guys, I'm ok. Really, I'm ok. (sees the paint all over him and then the picture of him imprint. Goes back on the painting and then back off but it doesn't fix it) There! Good as new--ahh! (sticks the painting under the wall and whistles. Then draws a picture on a piece of paper and sticks it to the wall) )All fixed guys! (picture falls to the ground)
Patrick: Security! (SpongeBob is removed from the museum)
SpongeBob: Please be gentle! (the security guards put SpongeBob down and walk away) Heh, that's weird (a security guard comes back out) I thought I was gonna get tossed out on my fa-a-a-a-a-ce! (gets kicked by the security guard. Squidward and Patrick walk by him)
Squidward: Patrick Star, I am very proud of what you did in there. You know that beard was the best thing that has ever happened to you. Well, other than me, of course. Ha.
SpongeBob: That beard. I must removed that beard! (takes out an electric razor) Remove beard, restore friendship! (runs after Squidward and Patrick)
Squidward: And that's when I told them, "Look if I wanted to stand around..." (SpongeBob tackles Patrick)
SpongeBob: Ahhh! That's it! It must be done!
Squidward: (grabs SpongeBob's arm) SpongeBob! The only thing that must be done is cutting the cord with you.
SpongeBob: No, please.
Squidward: Look Mr. BabyPants, it is glaringly clear you learned nothing today on how to be mature.
SpongeBob: But--!
Squidward: No buts! We are through entertaining your company. Shall we?
Patrick: Let's shall. (they both leave)
SpongeBob: Patrick, don't leave me. (falls back)
Patrick: (sweating and pants heavily) Why are they so many stairs?
Squidward: You only gone up three steps.
Patrick: It feels like four.
Squidward: We are about to enter the pinnacle of grown-up culture here in Bikini Bottom, also known as...The Famed Bikini Bottom Opera House! (fanfare ends)
Patrick: What?
Squidward: Nothing. Let's find our seats.
Patrick: Hey, alright! Box seats! Uh, I mean, this seat choice is most mature. Certainly more so than that rapscallion Sponge whose-name-we-shall-not-mention would've picked.
Squidward: Certainly. (curtain rises and an opera male singer comes out)
Opera Singer: La la la la! (curtain falls)
Patrick: A most exemplary performance.
Squidward: Oh, oh! It gets even more thrilling from here. (curtain rises and it's SpongeBob in an viking outfit)
Squidward: What the--?!
Patrick: She's beautiful!
SpongeBob: (reads a note) There's once was a man from Nantucket. (crowd gasps) Sorry, wrong one. (clears throat then sings with a woman's voice)

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Dear friend
Don't say that it's all over!
As long as I breathe
I will cherish our bond!
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Squidward: Terrible.

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Dear friend
Don't say that it is all over!
My heart bounces on rocks
Jagged and gray...

Dear friend
Don't that it is all over!
Let's stay pals
What do you say?
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Patrick: (cries tears onto his beard, that awakens)
Beard: Hey! How's a sea urchin suppose to get any sleep with all of these salty tears falling on him? I gotta get out of here! (jumps off Patrick's face and jumps across the front of the crowd) 'Scuse me. Coming through. Hey, watch it mister! (to SpongeBob) Say lady, how do I get out of this joint?
SpongeBob: Exit stage left is that way.
Beard: Thanks cutie! Nice hat. (exits)
Patrick: Hey, stop that beard!
SpongeBob: Patrick, it's not a beard. It's a sea urchin. It must've been sleeping on your face until your tears awoke it from its hibernation.
Patrick: How do you know my name?
SpongeBob: Because, Mr. Patrick Star, you told me. (takes off helmet)
Patrick: SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: Patrick! (they hug each other)
Patrick: Oh, please, you can call me Patrick!
(The crowd cheers for SpongeBob and Patrick until they are intrrupted by Squidward)
Squidward: Quiet! Hold it! Stop it right there! I am ashamed and disgusted by you people. I mean don't you know a terrible performance when you see it?
Audience Member: Yes, we do.
Squidward: That's what I thought you'd-- (gets hit by a tomato in the face) No, no, no. I didn't mean it like that. It was--( gets various vegetables and foods thrown at him)
SpongeBob & Patrick: (laughing) Food fight! (everyone is throwing food)
End