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Love That Squid

(at the Krusty Krab)
Male Fish: Excuse me, a patty for the lady, please.
Squidward: Try reading the sign, Casanova. (he tries to read the sign, but can't)
Lady Fish: You never learned to read, did you?
Male Fish: No.
Lady Fish: That's all right. Neither did I.
Male Fish: We are meant for each other!
Squidward: (sighs) Even the illiterate are finding love. Oh, Squidward, why are you torturing yourself with tales of romance? (tosses a romance book behind him and it hits SpongeBob in the eye)
SpongeBob: (pushes the book inside of his eye) Squidward! (sticks out his tongue, with the book on it) You've dropped your ook.
Squidward: That's no "ook." That's just a cruel reminder that I'm single, and will likely be that way forever.
SpongeBob: Don't be sad, buddy. Turn that frown upside-down! (flips Squidward's head upside-down)
Squidward: I prefer my frowns in their traditional orientation. (flips his head back to normal. SpongeBob is standing on the cash register)
SpongeBob: Just remember, Squidward, you have never experienced true love... but... that doesn't mean you'll never find it. You know the saying, "There's a squid for every pot."
Squidward: Great, let the tired cliches cascade forward. That'll make me feel better. (Squilvia opens the doors and Squidward gasps)
Squidward: Who--who is that? She's got... (babbling. Melts) She's--wow.
Squilvia: I absolutely adore the decor. Exquisitely minimalist.
Squidward: Oh, she speaks art jargon.
Squilvia: What culinary delights doth this menu hold?
Squidward: SpongeBob, she's got it all-- class, style, grace, and looks only matched by yours truly!
SpongeBob: Well, why don't you ask her out on one of those dates you keep talking about?
Squidward: My next move exactly. Observe the old tentacles charm in all its glory. (babbles when trying to speak to her)
Squilvia: Is that Salmon-ese?
SpongeBob: Boy, you were floundering up there.
Squidward: I don't know what I'm doing! I've never felt like this before.
SpongeBob: (laughs) Squidward, you've been bitten by the love bug.
Squilvia: Hello, hello? I'd like to order.
Squidward: She's talking to me. What do I do?
SpongeBob: Squidward, I can help you attract your true love.
Squidward: You? You don't know the first thing about the fine art of romance.
Squilvia: Well, since no one seems to want to take my order, I'll go elsewhere. (walks off)
Squidward: What? She's leaving.
SpongeBob: Oh, no, she's not! Hang on, buddy! (starts the boat and moves it to in front of the doors before Squilvia can get out)
Squilvia: Finally, some service around here.
SpongeBob: Hey, Idward Squay. Emeber ray the ate day. (Squidward falls over) I believe Squidward here is trying to ask you out on a romantic date, ma'am. Right, Squidward? (he babbles) C'mon, Squidward, shake the nice lady's hand and say hello.
Squilvia: Hello, my name is Squilvia. Uh, is he ok?
SpongeBob: Oh, yes. He's-- he's just tired, you know, from all the hard work he's been doing around here. I so admire his work ethic. (Squidward falls over again) So, what do you think? You want to date him?
Squilvia: Uh, I don't know. Um, I'm not too sure.
SpongeBob: Wait a minute! Before you make any hasty decisions... allow me to tell you a few things about my friend, Squidward, things I think you should know, like that Squidward is by far the single most intelligent person I know.
Squilvia: Intelligent?
SpongeBob: That's right, we are talking some serious credentials. (shows certificate)
Squilvia: (reads certificate) L.A.M.E? What school is that?
SpongeBob: (throws away the certificate) The point is, he thinks you look like a ray of pure sunshine in that dress.
Squilvia: Really? Wow, he really said that?
SpongeBob: You betcha. He's such a charmer.
Squidward: Psst. Don't forget artistic and musical.
SpongeBob: Not to mention that he's an incredible painter, a virtuoso musician, loves to cook and clean, and also enjoys gardening quite a bit, too.
Squilvia: Oh, he sounds interesting.
SpongeBob: But you know what is the most amazing thing about Squidward? Uh... (sniffles) It's his selflessness, his undying commitment to being a true friend. And I know anyone who is lucky enough to go on a romantical date with this guy... would get to experience things on a whole 'nother very special level. (grabs Squidward) So, how does dinner at 8:00 sound, Squilvia?
Squilvia: I think that sounds perfect. I'll come by your place, okay?
Squidward: Okay.
Squilvia: See you at 8:00, Squidward. (walks away. Squidward floats away but SpongeBob grabs him and pulls him down)
SpongeBob: You okay, Squidward? You froze up there.
Squidward: (his head is in a giant block of ice but then it breaks) What do you mean?
SpongeBob: I mean, when was the last time you went out on a date?
Squidward: (remembers his last date with his dancing partner) SpongeBob, you gotta help me! It's been so long! What do I do?
SpongeBob: You, my friend, are in desperate need of a practice date before going on the real thing.
Squidward: That's a great idea, SpongeBob. I'll just have-- a practice date? I don't get it.
SpongeBob: Just meet me at 5:00 at my place, okay, Squidward. (cut to later where Squidward rings SpongeBob's doorbell)
SpongeBob: (high-pitched voice) Just one minute, Squidward!
Squidward: (looks at his watch) Sometime today would be nice.
SpongeBob: (opens the door. Is dressed up in women's clothing attire. Speaks in a high-pitched voice) I'm ready!
Squidward: Dear-- dear Neptune!
SpongeBob: Oh! (squishes his nose to make it bigger and tilts it down like Squilvia's) Missed a spot. (clears throat) Aren't you going to compliment my outfit?
Squidward: Uh, um, you look stunning?
SpongeBob: (female voice) You're so sweet! Where are my flowers?
Squidward: Flowers? Oh, well, they're, um, did you drop your lip liner? (rushes off to the flower shop and buys some flowers)
SpongeBob: I don't think I dropped any-- Oh, why Squidward, you shouldn't have!
Squidward. Oh, but I wanted to.
SpongeBob: No, you really shouldn't have. It's just that I'm very allergic. I'm very aller-- (sneezes on Squidward) ...very allergic to tulips. Anyway, you ready to go?
Squidward: Go where?
SpongeBob: (giggles) To dinner, silly.
Squidward: Oh, right, dinner. I'll get my car. (rushes off and comes back with his boat) Hop in. (SpongeBob clears his throat) What?
SpongeBob: (regular voice) A gentlemen always opens a door for a lady.
Squidward: (opens the door) Oh, where are my manners? (SpongeBob gets in. Squidward buckles his seatbelt) Alrighty, so... (SpongeBob is having trouble buckling his seatbelt) Could I help you with that?
SpongeBob: No, no, I think I got it.
Squidward: (takes the seatbelt and buckles it) Would you get-- There!
SpongeBob: (giggles) Snug.
Squidward: Uh-huh. Can we go now?
SpongeBob: Yes.
Squidward: Great.
SpongeBob: Right after I tinkle. (unbuckles seatbelt, goes inside, and rings a bell from the table. Returns to the boat) Oh, good thing I went. I don't I would've made it to the restaurant. Is something wrong, Squidward?
Squidward: No. Just hungry, that's all.
SpongeBob: Great. Well, I know a fabulous place we can go. (points to the left) Just head this way.
Squidward: Wonderful. (drives off)
SpongeBob: Okay, now at this stop sign, make a right.
Squidward: Okay.
SpongeBob: Now, at this light, make a right.
Squidward: Gotcha.
SpongeBob: And at this street here, make a right. At this intersection, here, make a right. And park right near that orange building up ahead. Oh, we're here!
Squidward: You're a real piece of work, you know that?
SpongeBob: Oh, why thank you, Mr. Squidward! (regular voice) Way to work a genuine compliment into the date. (cut to SpongeBob and Squidward on the roof of the pineapple, sitting at a table)
SpongeBob: Now, it is the chitchat part of the date. Amuse her with an interesting conversation.
Squidward: Oh, um, chitchat. Um, can you believe all this weather we're having?
SpongeBob: Okay, good effort. But you might want to try something more personal. A woman might like to talk about her day, for example. She might want to being up her promotion at work, or the wacky antics of her pet snail, or talk about how I was nearly late for our date 'cause I couldn't decide what to wear! And then I didn't nearly have enough cash to tip the lady at the nail salon.
Patrick: (clears throat) Dinner is served.
SpongeBob: Oh, I'm famished! (Patrick puts a piece of meat, already been bitten into, on Squidward's plate) Don't try to eat it. It's plastic.
SpongeBob: Now, this is the perfect opportunity to work on your table etiquette. (high-pitched voice) Squidward, could you please pass the roasted kelp? (Squidward tries to get the roasted kelp but Patrick hands it to SpongeBob instead)
Patrick: Here you go, ma'am.
SpongeBob: Oh, thank you, sir.
Patrick: Hey, Squidward, who's the lovely lady sitting across from you? I think she's giving me the "cutesy" eye.
Squidward: Oh, no you don't, Patrick. You cannot just barge in here like this. SpongeBob and I are in the middle of a practice date.
Patrick: (to SpongeBob) So... do you hang out here often?
SpongeBob: Well this is my home, silly. (giggles)
Squidward: Excuse me! How is this supposed to help me on my real date? (his watch beeps) Which, by the way, begins in five minutes. (grumbles as he walks down stairs)
SpongeBob: (regular voice) Squidward, wait. We haven't covered... (puts on some more lipstick) We haven't covered all the tenets of Dating 101, yet. Squidward, wait. There's a couple more tenets! (trips and falls downstairs, falling into Squidward, causing his head to get stuck in the front door) As I was saying... I'd like to go over just a few more crucial aspects of the first date. (Squidward, who is fuming mad, melts the front door with his anger) Such as... (Squidward grabs SpongeBob's lips)
Squidward: SpongeBob! Would you please just shut it and leave me alone?!
SpongeBob: Um, Squidward.
Squidward: Don't "um, Squidward" me, you-- you annoying, insignificant waste of my time!
SpongeBob: Um, Squidward.
Squidward: Don't interrupt me! And don't call me, look at me, write me, or even think of me, 'cause you and I, we are not friends and never will be.
SpongeBob: Does this mean there won't be a second date? Hmm? (Squidward turns around and sees Squilvia standing there)
Squidward: Um, you just saw that, didn't you?
Squilvia: Oh, only all of it.
Squidward: And you probably think I'm a mean-spirited brute, which, ironically, is the exact opposite of what you were expecting, right?
Squilvia: Not exactly.
Squidward: Huh?
Squilvia: I think a guy who doesn't suffer fools lightly is totally dreamy. Let's go eat. (grabs Squidward and walks away)
Squidward: SpongeBob, I'm dreamy.
SpongeBob: (laughs) Have fun, you two. Squarepants your work here is done.
Patrick: Not quite. (dressed up as a woman) I was promised a movie and some plastic popcorn.
End