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Trenchbillies

(at Jellyfish Fields where SpongeBob and Patrick are watching a jellyfish)
Patrick: See him?
SpongeBob: Nope. (takes out binoculars) Oh, wait, now I do.
Patrick: What's he doing?
SpongeBob: Um... just kinda sitting there.
Patrick: How about now?
SpongeBob: Still just like kinda, like, sitting there-- same thing.
Patrick: How long have we been watching?
SpongeBob: What time is it now?
Patrick: 2:30.
SpongeBob: 4 days.
SpongeBob: Patrick, it's moving!
Patrick: Are you ready to go for it?
SpongeBob: Like Mr. Krabs says, it's now or never.
Patrick: When does he say that?
SpongeBob: Usually on his way to the men's room. Banzai! (runs off)
Patrick: Hey, that's usually what I say. (both start running after the jellyfish)
SpongeBob: Patrick, he's taking evasive action.
Patrick: We better flank him.
SpongeBob: I'll flank left, you go right.
Patrick: Roger that! (runs to his left)
SpongeBob: Other right, Patrick! (Patrick runs the correct way this time. They both lunge at the jellyfish, in slow motion, but collide into each other)
SpongeBob: Oh, I think I ruptured a spleen.
Patrick: I think I shattered my abacus.
SpongeBob: Your what?
Patrick: My abacus. (takes out an abacus) Nope. Seems okay. (jellyfish goes by)
SpongeBob: Patrick, there it goes. (they chase after the jellyfish) Don't stop now Patrick, we're gaining on him! (they both laugh and then fall off a cliff)
Cletus: (heading into outhouse) Well, it's now or never.(SpongeBob and Patrick fall onto the outhouse that he walked in. SpongeBob groans)
Trenchbilly: You boys are mighty colorful, a smidgen too colorful, if you ask me.
Cletus: (climbs out of hole) And too darn heavy, if you ask me.
SpongeBob: Well, actually Patrick has been trying to shed a few-- (he and Patrick are rope tied. They scream)
Cletus: Tell it to Ma Angler. (the trenchbillies tie SpongeBob and Patrick to a pole and carry them to Ma Angler's place)
Ma Angler: Now tell me now, what was it y'all was doing down yonder at the outhouse in the first place.
Cletus: Well, I dun told ya Ma. There I was doing my duty, just like any other Sunday. (flashback to him walking up to the outhouse like earlier) Well, it's now or never. (end flashback) When not so much as a warning shout, these here varmints dun dropped right out of the wild black yonder smack dab onto my noggin. Darn near give me a crick in the neck, it has, too.
SpongeBob: We're really sorry about interrupting your--
Ol' Jim: Y'all hush up.
Ma Angler: Now, Cletus, is this another one of your tall tales, you tend to tell?
Cletus: I-I swears I ain't fibbin', Ma!
Ma Angler: Cletus?
Cletus: Just ask Uncle Belcher. He'll tell you the whole story. (Uncle Belcher belches) See?
Ma Angler: Well, I must admit one thing, they is awfully pretty. Nevertheless, as leader of this here clan, which I is, I must subject these two pretty folk to clan initiation rights to deem their worthy.
SpongeBob: Um...
Patrick: Worthy of what?
SpongeBob: Specifically?
Ma Angler: Of livin'. (SpongeBob and Patrick gulps) Junior! Go and get your fiddle.
SpongeBob: Look, Patrick, he's gonna play us a little song.(he plays a bluegrass riff) Short song.
Patrick: SpongeBob, I think this is meant to be a-a musical challenge.
SpongeBob: Challenge? (Junior plays another bluegrass riff) Patrick, we don't even have an instrument to play. (Junior plays another bluegrass riff)
Patrick: Yeah, and soon we won't have anything to play it with.
SpongeBob: (shudders) Patrick, hang on. (whispers to Cletus about borrowing his suspenders)
Patrick: SpongeBob, don't leave me!
SpongeBob: Wouldn't dream of it, Patrick.
Patrick: Alright! (Junior and Patrick, who is playing SpongeBob's suspenders, start playing music. After a while, Junior explodes and stars fall from the sky)
SpongeBob: Well, Patrick even though you won, it looks like he was the real star. (laughs. Patrick smiles)
Ma Angler: Betsy!
Betsy: Yes'm?
Ma Angler: It's time for a hootin' and hollerin' contest. (Betsy clears throat and begins to yodel)
SpongeBob: Patrick, it's a singing competition. What are we gonna do?
Patrick: I don't know...but I am a sure thirsty after that fiddlin'. (drinks corn soda)
SpongeBob: Hey, give me some of that! (drinks some corn soda. Both he and Patrick burp loud for a long time)
Trenchbillies: Yee-haw!
SpongeBob: Looks like we're on a roll, eh Patrick? (cut to a wrestling match outside)
Ma Angler: I just love me some wrasslin' and tusslin'. (one of the wrestlers gets through into a roof)
Patrick: Bravissimo!
SpongeBob: My compliments to the chef.
Cletus: (pokes SpongeBob and Patrick with a pitchfork) Your turn.
SpongeBob: (whimpering) Well, actually, m-my friend and I, we don't like to wrestle.
Ma Angler: Huh? You don't like to wrassle?
SpongeBob: N-No, we're not the wrestling sort.
Ma Angler: Well then, what in tarnation exactly do you pretty folk like to do for fun?
SpongeBob: Well, uh, w-we like to go jellyfishing.
Ma Angler: Jellyfishin'? What kinda tomfoolery is jellyfishin'?
SpongeBob: Well, it goes something like this. (SpongeBob and Patrick take out their jellyfishing nets and run and dance all around)
Cletus: What the...?
Ma Angler: That's disgustin'.
SpongeBob: Now, Patrick! (both jump in the air, at each other, and collide like before) Well, something like that anyway.
Patrick: Nice knowing you buddy...
Ma Angler: Well, I haven't seen anybody cut up like that 'round these parts, since we potty-training Junior. (laughs) He was near about 13. (everyone laughs)
Cletus: Them boys is dumber than my box of rotten teeth. (cut to SpongeBob and Patrick being confetti'd by the trenchbillies)
Cletus: Go get em' tiger!
Ol' Jim: (crying) They grow up so fast.
Ma Angler: As leader of this here clan, I hereby dub you SpongeJoeBob and Darryl, honorary trenchbillies. (gives them novelty teeth. SpongeBob and Patrick put in their novelty teeth)
Cletus: Speech! Speech!
SpongeBob: Well, I guess if I were to say one thing, and I think I'm speaking for Patrick and myself here, it's that y'all are a bunch of real kind folks, and it's been a real hoot getting to know y'all! (SpongeBob and Patrick wave as they walk off) Farewell, friendly trenchbillies. See ya around.
Patrick: Toodles. (they get stopped by Cletus, who is carrying a pitchfork)
Cletus: And where is it that you both think you're going?
SpongeBob: Over to home.
Cletus: Well, you're one of our kin now, so this is your home. And as such, you've been given the great honor of takin' care of Ma for the rest of your natural-born lives.
Patrick: Takin' care of Ma?
SpongeBob: For the rest of our natural-born lives?
Cletus: You know, carry her purse, give her calf massages, read her the Billy Shakespeare till she falls asleep at night. Ma just loves this iambic pentameter.
SpongeBob: Well, that all sounds like a lot of fun, but I-I have responsibilities back home at Bikini Bottom. I have a pet snail to feed and can't be late for work at the Krusty Krab.
Patrick: Yeah and iambic pentameter gives me a headache. (cries)
Cletus: (swings pitchfork) You folks ain't goin' nowhere.
SpongeBob: Oh please, Mr. Trenchbilly. Where can we--
Patrick: Hey, your shoe's untied.
Cletus: What? But I ain't even wearin'... (SpongeBob and Patrick are gone) Darn it. (cut to Krusty Krab)
Mr. Krabs: Well, what was I supposed to tell them, Squidward?
Squidward: You could have told him that he could have his money back.
Mr. Krabs: Oh, no I couldn't.
Squidward: Why?
Mr. Krabs: Because, I already put it in the register. (SpongeBob and Patrick comes running through the doors)
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs! We just escaped from an angry mob of deep-sea bumpkins!
Patrick: It was horrible. They were gonna make us stay forever and massage their grandma.
Mr. Krabs: So. Why are you telling me?
SpongeBob: Because they followed us here.(the trenchbillies are at the door. SpongeBob, Patrick, Squidward, and Mr. Krabs scream and hide as the trenchbillies destroy some Krusty Krab property)
Cletus: Come on out! We know you're in there.
Mr. Krabs: (nervously) W-Welcome to the Krusty Krab. May I take your order?
Cletus: Um, sure. I'll have me a large Krabby Patty with, uh, a cola-- no, no, no, a lemon-lime! (cut to trenchbillies eating)
Mr. Krabs: Keep 'em coming, SpongeBob. This is the most business we've seen in a long time!
SpongeBob: Aye-aye, Captain! I'm gonna get some more buns.
Ma Angler: More! More! More! More! (getting fed Krabby Patties by the shovel-full)
Mr. Krabs: Oh yeah, that's what I like to see. She's gonna make customer of the week.
Cletus: (pokes Mr. Krabs with his pitchfork) We catch anyone makin' goo-goo eyes like that at out Ma, it can only mean one thing. They's gonna get hitched.
Mr. Krabs: (gulps. He and Ma Angler get hitched and drive off. Ma is trying to kiss Mr. Krabs) No!
End