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The Clash of Triton

(At Atlantis. King Neptune is lying in bed yawning)
Amphitrite: Oh, Neptune, surely this isn't the behavior befitting a king. Hiding in bed for days on end, doing nothing but watching daytime television. (turns TV off)
Neptune: Wait! Rochelle was just about to meet her biological parents.
Amphitrite: Is this about turning 5,000 today?
Neptune: No. Oh, my darling Amphitrite, it is not my age that troubles me so. It's that our son, Triton, will not be able to share in my revelry.
Amphitrite: Let's forget about Triton for just one day. It's your 5,000th birthday, for shell's sake.
Neptune: (sighs) Okay. So long as there's no one careless enough to mention Triton. (cut to the Krusty Krab)
SpongeBob: Order up, Squidward! (uses his nose to give a Krabby Patty to Squidward, on his nose) I'll bet you're wondering why I'm not using my hands today.
Squidward: (takes Krabby Patty) Not in the least, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: Okay, okay, I'll tell you!
Squidward: (walks up to a table and sets the plate down) Your order, ma'am.
SpongeBob: (turns around to reveal it's really him) I'm not using my hands because today is "Work Without Your Hands Day!" (jumps out of costume) You should give it a whirl, buddy. (enters the kitchen and the phone rings. Uses his foot to pick it up) Krusty Krab, SpongeBob speaking. (indistinct chatter over phone) Just a minute please. Mr. Krabs, it's a Queen Amphitrite. She wants to have King Neptune's birthday party here.
Mr. Krabs: (sarcastically) Oh, she does, does she? (chuckles) I'll handle this, laddie. (takes phone from SpongeBob) Yes, Queen Amphitrite! (indistinct chatter over phone) Very convincing. But you'll have to call pretty early to fool old Eugene Krabs, prankster! They think I was born yesterday. (laughs. Queen Amphitrite breaks through the roof and zaps Mr. Krabs and burns him a little) Does 7:00 work for you, your majesty? (turns to SpongeBob) Oil up your spatula, boy. For tonight, you fry for a king!
SpongeBob: So much for "Work Without Your Hands Day," SquarePants. You answer to a higher calling this day. I have the capability! (Patrick is shining a light and making it sound like thunder) Okay, that's enough Patrick, thank you. (decorations are set up in the Krusty Krab with a sign hanging saying "Happy 5,000th!")
Mr. Krabs: You two really outdid yourselves. It almost makes me want to pay you. (laughs and sighs. Passes a pole with minor decorating) Looks like this area could use a few more decorations. Squidward!
Squidward: Now, what?
Mr. Krabs: The decorations over here are looking a little sparse. Why don't you hang up a few balloons or something? (walks away. Squidward doesn't move. Mr. Krabs walks back)
Mr. Krabs: Ah, that's better. Looks lovely, Squidward. Excellent work. How goes it over here?
SpongeBob: All set, Mr. K. 5,000 patties. One for every year Neptune's been alive.
Mr. Krabs: 5,000 patties at $3.99 a pop? (speaking slurred gibberish. Cut to the Krusty Krew walking outside in tuxedos to greet King Neptune)
Mr. Krabs: Leave it to your old boss here to capitalize on such a momentous occasion. (rolls out red carpet)
Shubie: Wow! Why, you've rolled out the red carpet!
Mr. Krabs: This ain't for you, lot! This is for King Neptune. Today is his birthday.
Shubie: Oh, wait a minute. King Neptune is coming here? Oh, I am a huge fan of the royal family. I just love everything they do. Oh, could we please, maybe, watch them eat, right here through the window, you know?
Mr. Krabs: Don't be ridiculous. Why in Neptune's name would I let you... (Mr. Krab's thought bubble of himself hits him over the head with a mallet. Cut to later where a few people are sitting in the stands) See Neptune eat! Only five dollars! Only a few seats left. (Fred hands him money) Thank you. (female fish hands him money) Thank you.
Billy: You got change for a twenty?
Mr. Krabs: Nope, sorry. I guess that it's twenty dollars for for you then. Don't be shy, folks. Seats are going fast. (thunder booms. Everyone gasps as Neptune, Amphitrite, and others arrive)
Neptune: Greetings, my obedient flock. (excited chatter from the crowd. Looks at Amphitrite) You were right, honey. Hearing these mortals cheer for me has made me feel better already.
SpongeBob: Excuse me, Mr. Royal Sea King-ness. Your table is this way,sir. (cut to inside the Krusty Krab where the royal family is sitting down at their seats)
Neptune: Oh, these seats are surprisingly comfortable for being no more than primitive storage vessels.
Amphitrite: Oh, husband, I'm so glad to see you're enjoying your birthday party.
Neptune: (chuckles) And I am glad that you are glad, dear.
Amphitrite: And I'm glad that you're glad that I'm glad, my king.
Neptune: And I'm glad that you're glad that I'm glad that you're glad...
Crowd: Alright already!
Neptune: And methinks I shall continue to enjoy it as long as there's no mention of the name...
SpongeBob: Triton! Triton! Triton! Is there a Triton here? Is there anybody missing from this party that any of you guys can see?
Amphitrite: Nope, there's nobody missing. We're all here.
SpongeBob: Huh, I was sure there's somebody.. (sees an empty seat) Oh! Here it is right here. An empty seat.
Neptune: That's not an empty seat. My wife is sitting there.
SpongeBob: (laughs) No, not that chair, your Highness. That one. see? It even has its pretty name card that I made still on it.
Neptune: Oh no.
SpongeBob: T-R-I-T-O-N. You sure you don't know anyone named Triton? (Neptune sobs) Should I put it down yes or no?
Amphitrite: Triton is our son. But as you can see, the king doesn't want to talk about it right now.
Neptune: Thank you, my darling. I'd rather not share with this addled mortal the woeful story of our son, Triton.
Monster: Oh, that's probably a good thing.
Neptune: But... I suppose I could tell it.
All: No, no, no!
Neptune: No, you're right, I won't tell it. (all sigh of relief. Neptune pulls out a projector) Instead, I'm going to show this 16 millimeter movie I made about it. (all groan and mutter) Could someone please dim the lights? (lights are dimmed. Movie starts at Atlantis. King Neptune is narrating it)
Neptune: It all started one day while giving Triton his smiting lessons. (King Neptune zaps a city and it bursts into flames)
Neptune: That's how you strike fear into the hearts of your subjects. Now you try, son. Son? (narrating) Baby Triton was increasingly fascinated with the miserable world of the lowly mortals.
(Triton is watching a game below)
Baby Triton: Dad, when are you going to teach me the ball and stick game?
Neptune: Never. Now take hold of your trident and practice your smiting, son.
Baby Triton: I don't feel like smiting. I wanna play the ball and stick game.
Neptune: Okay, son, you want to learn the stick and ball game? Well, here's your first lesson. Batter up. (Neptune zaps the lights below with his trident and the lights explode) It looks like I just hit a single. Let's see if you can get a home run, son.
Baby Triton: Leave me alone, Dad. (swims away)
Neptune: (narrating) What was happening to my own flesh and blood? Over the next few millennia, my son grew not only in size but in perplexing behavior.
(explosion from Triton's room. Green smoke comes through the door. Neptune opens the door and Triton is mixing chemicals together)
Neptune: What is going on in here?
Kid Triton: Hey, Dad, check it out! I'm studying chemistry, and I've just created a cure for all mortal diseases!
Neptune: (pushes all the chemistry stuff off the table and grabs Triton) How many times do I have to tell you? We are gods! We don't have diseases nor do we care whether or not the mortals contract them!
Kid Triton: Gosh!
Neptune: (narrating out loud) Try as I might, it was becoming increasingly apparent that we would not agree on the ways of the world. I knew I had no choice. There was only one last resort. (shows real girls dancing on a beach) No, not that one! The Island in the Sky.
Kid Triton: Isn't that island a miniature golf course?
Neptune: No! The... the one on the other side of the river.
Kid Triton: You mean the juvenile correction facility? But that place is for losers, man.
Neptune: Uh-huh. (cut to island in the sky)
Kid Triton: Okay, I'm standing in here. Now what? (Triton is locked in a cage) What are you doing? This is bogus!
Neptune: I'm sealing you inside this magical shrinking cage until you learn to embrace your destiny as one of the gods! (zaps the cage and makes it shrink a little bit)
Kid Triton: No...! You call that shrinking?
Neptune: Well, it only shrinks seven percent.
Kid Triton: Man, that is just beyond bogus.
Neptune: Perhaps in your eyes, it is beyond bogus, but it is the only way you'll learn. (pulls on a rope to pull the cage up a tree) Reflect on this for 10,000 years.
Kid Triton: You can't do this, man. I've got a life to live. I can't be stuck in this cage, man! (Neptune leaves. Triton grunts) I hate you, old man! You hear me? I hate you! (echoes. End of flashback)
Neptune: No! (turns off projector. Lights come back on) And that's that. (everyone is asleep)
Mr. Krabs: Huh?! Okay, who's ready for a piping hot Krabby Patty? Would you like the first one, your highness?
Neptune: Recounting this sad tale has upset me so much, I've lost my appetite. (sobs)
Amphitrite: Take those sandwiches away! Can't you see the king is upset? (turns to Neptune) It's okay. Let it out.
Spectator: This is a rip-off! I paid to watch high-class royal dining action, not listen to a boring sob story.
Spectator #2: Ooh, looks like things may be picking up! Royal violence!
Amphitrite: Why have you not obeyed me, mortal? Be gone!
Mr. Krabs: So who's going to pay for these, then? (gets zapped. Sighs) If Neptune doesn't cheer up soon, me business is ruined.
SpongeBob: Oh no. This is all my fault because I mentioned... (whispers) Triton.
Squidward: Well, it wouldn't be the first time you've ruined everything. But the worst part is those 5,000 Krabby Patties that will end up going rotten in the hot sun.
SpongeBob: Stop, Squidward, please stop! Your descriptions are too horrifying for my delicate sensibilities.
Squidward: I do have a way with words.
Neptune: Oh, how I miss my son! (sobbing)
SpongeBob: Hey, that's it! I'll fix all this by reuniting Neptune with his son! (cut to island in the sky. A bus that is flying in the air, drops off SpongeBob on the island. Waves as the bus leaves) Thanks again, Mr. Bus Driver! Now, all I've got to do is find King Neptune's long-lost son. (walks into a bunch of forest. Cut to Krusty Krab where King Neptune is still sobbing)
Mr. Krabs: Come on, Krabs, think, think! (gets an idea) Ooh! (looks at Squidward)
Squidward: Whatever it is, no.
Mr. Krabs: Squidward... you're a man of culture.
Squidward: Go on.
Mr. Krabs: Well, these highfalutin types, they-they might appreciate that, don't you think? Why don't you try and razzle-dazzle them with all your pizzazz?
Squidward: Pizzazz. Hold on to your hats and glasses, people, because Squidward the Fantabulous has arrived! (cut to later)
Squidward: Thank you. Thank you. This next one, I wrote myself. I like to call it, 'Three Barnacles are a Crowd Unless They've Known Each Other for a Really Long Time." (plays clarinet)
Spectator: Things just got lame again.
Spectator #2: Yeah, well, they better get unlame real quick, or I'm asking for my money back. (Mr. Krabs puts a 'No Refunds' sign in front of the Krusty Krab and walks back inside)
Male Fish: No refunds? Well, I guess we're stuck here, then. (cut to SpongeBob sleeping. A fingernail hits him in the head and causes him to wake up)
SpongeBob: What the...? I had the strangest dream that I just got hit in the head with a tiny toenail clipping. (another one drops on his head. He looks down at the toenail)Hey, I was right! It is a tiny toenail clipping. (another toenail drops on his head)
SpongeBob: (gasps) Another one. Plus some rope. (lowers the rope, which lowers the cage to the ground)
Triton: Hey, man, what's the big idea?
SpongeBob: Who said that? Show yourself! I'm warning you, I know how to use these. (does some karate)
Triton: I'm down here, man! (sees Triton in the small cage)
SpongeBob: Oh, hello, little fella. Maybe you can help me. 'Cause if I don't find Triton soon, Mr. Krabs is gonna be real upset. 'Cause he spent a lot of money on party decorations.
Triton: Party decorations? For what?
SpongeBob: For King Neptune's birthday.
Triton: So, it's my old man's birthday. Big deal.
SpongeBob: (gasps) You mean, you're King Neptune's son?
Triton: I am, but he doesn't seem to think so.
SpongeBob: Well, he sure seemed upset that you weren't at his birthday party.
Triton: Ha! That's a real good one, man. Real funny.
SpongeBob: (laughs) Oh, well, thanks, but I...
Triton: Do you think if that old goat really cared, he'd have me sealed up in this magical cage with nothing to do all day but trim my fingernails, man? (shows a pair of nail clippers)
SpongeBob: You're right. It just doesn't make any sense.
Triton: You're telling me, man.
SpongeBob: I mean, gods shouldn't have to use nail clippers. They should be able to will their fingernails to whatever length they want.
Triton: Man, you're just like all the rest. (turns away)
SpongeBob: Don't go. (Triton trims another fingernail. SpongeBob presses his face against the cage)
SpongeBob: What if there was a way to free you from this magical cage? Then, you could come to your father's birthday party and settle your differences.
Triton: I'd ask you to brush your teeth first, dude. P.U.!
SpongeBob: Sorry, I haven't had anything to drink in a couple of days. My throats a little dry.
Triton: (coughs) This cage is only so big, man.
SpongeBob: I'm sorry. I'll stop talking, I swear.
Triton: Nevermind. Just undo the lock.
SpongeBob: (looking at the lock) Boy this really does look complicated. Oh, I see. I'll just slide this square to the right, this one goes up, this one over here. No, wait. No. No. Ah! No. (screams cause he can't do the lock) Man that really is a tough nut to crack.
Triton: That lock was forged by the gods. Not any numbskull can open it like it's some cheap bag of potato chips they found in the street.
SpongeBob: Cheap bag of potato chi... Wait a minute! Which way to the nearest phone booth?
Triton: Theres one behind that rock over there, but I don't see what... (SpongeBob runs to the phone booth)
SpongeBob: Hello, Patrick?
Patrick: Hey, hey, you'll never guess what I found today in the street. (SpongeBob tells him something over phone) Yeah, I'll hurry (hangs up)
(the bus is seen again dropping Patrick off on the Island)
SpongeBob: Oh, Patrick, you made it! This is the magical lock I was telling you about.
Patrick: (looks at lock) Hmm...
SpongeBob: Yeah, I tried for hours and hours but I just can't get it to...
Patrick: (unlocks the lock) Open!
SpongeBob: Wow, already? Patrick you know I'll never figure out how you're able to do those so darn fast.
Patrick: It's easy! I just peel the stickers of the squares and put them down where they're suppose to go.
SpongeBob: Amazing!
Triton: Well, now that this silly old cage is open, what do you say we go pay my old man a visit? Hate to keep him waiting on his birthday. (Triton flies up and then zaps the cage, turning it into a car) Are you guys coming, or what?
SpongeBob: Wow.
Patrick: Are you going to take us for a ride?
Triton: A ride. Thats a great idea. (cut to Triton driving the car very fast on a road. SpongeBob and Patrick are sleeping. Triton gets to the side of the road and SpongeBob and Patrick wake up. Car stops) Hey, you guys don't mind if I pull over here for a second, do you?
SpongeBob: Sure, Triton. What do you need to do, use the bathroom?
Triton: No, to tell you I don't need you anymore. (kicks them both out and drives off)
Patrick: What an interesting man. (cut back to the party)
Mr. Krabs: Ready for a room temperature Krabby Patty yet?
Neptune: Nope. Oh... (runs into the boat)
Squidward: Careful, this is made out of imported wood. Imported all they way from that junk pile out back.
Mr. Krabs: Neptune's inconsolable. Maybe if there was something to distract him from his pain.
Squidward: The only thing that can usually do that is something that hurts more than the original pain.
Mr. Krabs: Great idea! Go play him another song. (cut to Squidward playing his clarinet)
Neptune: He's back.
Amphitrite: Oh... how... nice?
Squidward: If it pleases the king, I would like to preform a... (Neptune starts clapping. Squidward plays his clarinet but it sounds like a car honking) What the...?
Neptune: Behold!
Mr. Krabs: (whispering to Squidward) What'd he say?
Squidward: I think he wants us to look at the... oh my! (Triton crashes his car through the Krusty Krab. Crowd cheers)
Spectator: That was incredible.
Spectator #2: Yeah, definitely worth the five bucks.
Neptune: Son?! (Triton zaps everyone inside a cage) Son, I demand to know the meaning of this impudent imprisonment.
Triton: Well, it turns out you were right, old man. Being trapped in that cage all those years with nowhere to go, but up here, made me realize something. Dabbling in the world of mere mortals is totally lame.
Neptune: And this is how you intend to show it?
Triton: No man, this is how! (flies through the roof while laughing evilly)
Neptune: By flying through the roof?
Spectator #2: That was Triton, Neptune's son!
Spectator: I thought he was in reform school or something. (everyone in Bikini Bottom cheers at Triton)
Fish #2: Hey, can I have an autograph?
Triton: Sure you can. (Triton zaps his name into the ground of Bikini Bottom) Nothing can stop me! (cackling. SpongeBob and Patrick see destruction of Bikini Bottom)
SpongeBob: What's happened here? Hello? Where is everybody?
Patrick: Do you think maybe Triton was in that cage for a reason?
SpongeBob: (gasps) The Krusty Krab! (cut to outside the Krusty Krab)
Patrick: It's still standing.
SpongeBob: But look, that mail hasn't been picked up today. (shows letters on the ground)
Patrick: You're right.
SpongeBob: We'd better use the secret entrance.
(SpongeBob and Patrick appear in the stove)
SpongeBob: Be very, very quiet.
Patrick: Gotcha pal. (throws the stove top away, making lots of loud noises) What? (they look through the kitchen window at Triton eating all the Krabby Patties)
Mr. Krabs: Please, I'll be ruined.
Neptune: Don't worry, Mr. Krabs, no one was going to pay for them anyway. (Mr. Krabs sobs)
SpongeBob: Oh, this is terrible
Patrick: Tell me about it. I never get free food here.
Neptune: Son, hear my words, I can understand if you want to keep me locked up in this cage and zap me, but see it to your heart to release these others for they are innocent. Well, maybe not all of them (looks at a small, purple guy)
Triton: Sorry, old man. You lost me up in the "hear my words" part.
Patrick: He's unstoppable.
SpongeBob: Only as long as King Neptune is locked up.
Patrick: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
SpongeBob: Yeah, Triple Gooberry Sundays tonight after we free them?
Patrick: No, but I like your idea better!
SpongeBob: Make ready the disguise. (SpongeBob and Patrick are in the stove. Triton is teasing his dad) Okay, now. (SpongeBob and Patrick move the stove next to Triton)
Neptune: No, please, no more!
SpongeBob: Quick Patrick, unlock it before he sees us.
Patrick: You got it. (Patrick reaches for the lock but can't quite get it) SpongeBob, scootch back a little. (talking to the purple guy) Excuse me.
SpongeBob: You'd better hurry up Patrick. He's getting bored.
Patrick: Don't rush me. Okay, got it. (cage is unlocked. King Neptune looks at his son, annoyed)
Triton: (nervous chuckle) I was just kidding, man. (flies off. Looks back at the Krusty Krab and thinks he has escaped. King Neptune appears in front of him) No, no, please. I-I-I never meant to...
Neptune: Son, I have tried all my life to be gentle, but this time you have... (notices Bikini Bottom is destroyed) Are you responsible for all this destruction?
Triton: Don't send me back to the cage, man. I-I-I...
Neptune: The cage! Why, son, you have just given me the best 5000th birthday present I've ever received. You've finally learned to use your god powers. Now I know that when my reign comes to a close, I will have a worthy successor. And that's all I could really hope for as a king and as your father. Come here, you. (they hug each other)
Triton: Ah, dad, I love you, man. (light shines on them)
Mr. Krabs: Huzzah!
SpongeBob: Yay! (Patrick whistles)
Patrick: Whoo-hoo! Yeah! (everyone in Bikini Bottom cheers)
Neptune: Now let's go home, son. (enter the carriage)
Amphitrite: Toodle-oo.
(everyone continues cheering. The carriage flies away)
Mr. Krabs: Neptune and friends, wait! What about the party? What about me restaurant?
Neptune: (Ah, yes. Many thanks, whoever you are. It was the best day I could of ever have hoped for. And it's all because of your little employee. None of this would've happened if it wasn't for his actions! (carriage disappears)
SpongeBob: Did you hear that? Neptune said this was all because of me.
Patrick: Well SpongeBob that's...
Lady: Did you hear that? Neptune said it was all because of that guy!
Policeman: He did, did he?
Patrick: Uh, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: Yes, Patrick?
Patrick: Do you think now would be a good time to go get those triple gooberry sundays you were talking about?
SpongeBob: I think right now might be an excellent time. (they both run away as the angry mob chases them)
End