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Shuffleboarding

Show Announcer: Shady Shoals-- mild-mannered rest home and secret headquarters of Mermaidman, master of maritime justice and defender of Bikini Bottom.
Mermaidman: Semi-retired.
Show Announcer: And his faithful ward, Barnacleboy.
Mermaidman: Who?
Barnacleboy: Hello.
Show Announcer: Today, we find this duo of dynamism engaged in their favorite pastime: watching TV.
Show Announcer: But wait, what's this? Why, it's Mermaidman and Barnacleboy's biggest fans: SpongeBob SquarePants and Patrick Star.
SpongeBob: Don't they look peaceful?
Patrick: Yeah. Wake...up! (Mermaidman and Barnacleboy scream and jump off the couch)
Mermaidman: I'll deal with these super villains with my trusty Mermerang!
Barnacleboy: Wait, those aren't super villains. (Mermaidman throws his Mermerang)
SpongeBob: Hi Mermaid... (SpongeBob gets hit in the face with the Mermerang) I can't believe Mermaidman hit me with his Mermerang. It's so awesome!
Patrick: Wow! Can you beat me up next?
Mermaidman: Keep on your guard Barnacleboy. They're getting ready for another attack!
Barnacleboy: Those aren't super villains. It's just that kid, uh, SpongeBob and his goofy friend. Hey kid, can you give us our Mermerang back? We only got the one.
SpongeBob: Oh, sure thing. (SpongeBob throws the Mermerang to Barnacleboy)
Barnacleboy: Oh don't throw... (gets hit in the face with the Mermerang as it flies back to SpongeBob)
SpongeBob: Hey, It came back.
Barnacleboy: Yeah, it does that.
SpongeBob: I'll try again.
Barnacleboy: No! (groans as he gets hit again) Oh!
Barnacleboy: Look, I'll just come and get... (SpongeBob throws the Mermerang again but Barnacleboy ducks and doesn't get hit with it. Stands up)
Barnacleboy: What is wrong with you? (Mermerang comes back and hits Barnacleboy in the back of the head)
Mermaidman: Nice shot.
Patrick: Wow! That Mermerang really likes you.
SpongeBob: I know.
Mermaidman: Now, just hand me the Mermerang, son. (SpongeBob throws the Mermerang at Mermaidman and hits him in the head)
SpongeBob: (Preparing to catch the Mermerang once again) I've got her. (SpongeBob does not catch the Mermerang))
SpongeBob & Patrick: Runaway Mermerang! (everyone runs around and screams. Mermaidman and Barnacleboy both get injured and go to the hospital)
SpongeBob: Hi. How ya feelin'?
Barnacleboy: Would you get off of me?
SpongeBob: Okay!
Barnacleboy: (groans) What are you two doing here anyway!?
SpongeBob: Oh, I almost forgot. (pulls some flowers out of his head)
SpongeBob: I brought you flowers. (hands them to Barnacleboy) Since you two are feeling so poorly.
Patrick: You never brought me flowers.
SpongeBob: Patrick, go home and check your mailbox.
Patrick: Really? (ring ring)
Mermaidman: The Mermaphone! (picks up a tissue box and puts it up to his ear) Mermaidman here. (phone keeps ringing until Mermaidman picks up the real one) Mermaidman here! Ah, Commissioner, what can I do for you? (speaking gibberish over phone)
Mermaidman: You can count on Mermaidman commissioner! It's for you. (hands phone to Barnacleboy)
Barnacleboy: Barnacleboy here. (speaking gibberish over phone) Yes but... (more gibberish) Uh, yes, yes commissioner... Uh, but, uh. (commissioner hangs up)
Barnacleboy: The police commissioner needs us to be celebrity contestants at the Bikini Bottom Shuffleboarding Competition. But there's no way we can do it in this condition.
Mermaidman: What kind of quitter talk is that? We're super heroes. We're going to that shuffle boarding competition, or my name isn't... (raises his arm and hurts it) Ow! You're right Barnacleboy. If only there was someone to take our place.
SpongeBob: (moaning) Patrick and I can do it, Mermaidman!
Barnacleboy: What? Why should we trust you two?
SpongeBob: Because, we're card carrying members of the Mermaidman and Barnacleboy fan club.
Barnacleboy: So?
SpongeBob: We're also certified Mermaidman and Barnacleboy impersonators.
Patrick: Certified.
Mermaidman: You can't argue with certification.
Barnacleboy: (sighs) All right. I suppose they can't do too much damage. Uh, it's just shuffle boarding.
SpongeBob & Patrick: (jumping on top of Barnacleboy) Whoo! We're going to be heroes! We're going to be heroes!
Patrick: Yay!
Barnacleboy: Would you cut it out!?
Patrick: (still jumping) Heroes! Heroes! Her... (SpongeBob stops Patrick from jumping) ...oes?
Barnacleboy: Now, listen up. Here, take these rings. (gives them both gold rings)
SpongeBob & Patrick: Oh!
Barnacleboy: And when you touch 'em together, you will be instantly transformed into our duplicates.
SpongeBob & Patrick: (giggles) Mermaidman and Barnacleboy unite! (put their rings together)
SpongeBob: (In Mermaidman costume) We're ready! ManBob!
Patrick: (in Barnacleboy costume) And PatBoy!
SpongeBob & Patrick: Reporting for duty.
Barnacleboy: When you're through with shuffleboarding, you are to bring those costumes right back here. And don't do anything else. Don't go home first, don't show your friends. Just come right back here. You got it?!
SpongeBob: Got it.
Patrick: Got what?
Barnacleboy: This'll never work.
Mermaidman: What will never work?
SpongeBob & Patrick: Shuffleboarding! Shuffleboarding! Shuffleboarding!
SpongeBob: Shuffleboarding is exciting, huh, Patrick?
Patrick: Well, duh.
SpongeBob: What's your favorite thing about shuffleboarding?
Patrick: Everything! It's even fun just to say the word. Shu...ffleboard!
SpongeBob: Sh-u-u-u-uffle-la-la-board. (laughs) It is fun!
Patrick: We're-we're seriously going to kick some elderly buns today. Huh SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: What?
Patrick: Out of the way, gramps. That's my trophy, old lady. (swings the stick around)
SpongeBob: Uh, Patrick.
Patrick: It's going to be and action-packed thrill ride of geriatric proportions! And the best part is, there is no way we can lose with these costumes on.
SpongeBob: We already won the tournament.
Patrick: Oh. Yeah, I forgot. Well how come I didn't get a trophy?
SpongeBob: You did, it's in your back pocket.
Patrick: (looks behind him) Oh, yeah. I forgot. Let's go do something else.
SpongeBob: Okay. (as they are walking, SpongeBob remembers what Barnacleboy said earlier)
Barnacleboy: You're to bring those costumes right back here. Don't do anything else.
SpongeBob: (gasps) Patrick, stop! We can't. We have to get the costumes back.
Patrick: For Neptune's sake SpongeBob. If we're not going to go around town pretending to be Mermaidman and Barnacleboy, then who is?
SpongeBob: Nobody?
Patrick: Exactly. And with no one patrolling the town, who's gonna stop those youngsters from loitering? (two little kids are playing on a seahorse ride outside a store)
SpongeBob: Their mommies?
Patrick: No, we are. Let's take 'em to the slammer.
SpongeBob: Patrick! Don't you think that's too harsh?
Patrick: Too harsh? (throws the kids into a jail cell) Explain?
Prison Guard: (is eating a Krabby Patty) Mermaidman and Barnacleboy? What are you doing here? Ugh. (throws his Krabby Patty in the trash)
SpongeBob: (screams) Wasting a Krabby Patty?! How could you!?
Prison Guard: (shrugs) I'm full.
SpongeBob: (throws the Jail Warden in the same cell with the kids) Well maybe somebody should have thought about that before they ponied up for the world's greatest patty! Mr. Jail Warden!
SpongeBob: You're right, PatBoy, this town needs us! (a fish pops a bubble he's been chewing on)
Patrick: You're chewing too loud. (throws him in jail)
SpongeBob: Your shoe's untied. (throws him in jail)
Patrick: You're too old. (everyone in Bikini Bottom is thrown in jail)
SpongeBob: Oh, I think we've done our work Patrick. Now, let's return these costumes.
SpongeBob: (sees Man Ray going into 'Laundry' store. He gasps) That's the evil Man Ray! (Man Ray hums as he puts in some clothes in the washer) What diabolical plan could he be up to?
Mabel: Why hello, Ray.
Man Ray: Mabel! I haven't seen you since high school.
SpongeBob: Look at him Patrick. Plotting with his evil minion.
Mabel: Say, could I borrow some of your detergent?
Man Ray: Why, certainly! Anything for the gal I went to the prom with.
SpongeBob: I'll bet he's handing off some secret weapon. Time to crash this party.
Mabel: You haven't aged a day, Ray.
Man Ray: (giggles) Oh, you.
SpongeBob: Hello Man Ray. Who's your friend?
Man Ray: Hey, Mermaidman and Barnacleboy. I'd like you to meet Mabel.
Mable: Any friend of Ray's is a friend of mine.
SpongeBob: Alright, Mabel, that's enough chitchat. Now are you gonna come quietly or will we have to take you to jail by force? (silence) Playing dumb, eh?
Patrick: You handle Man Ray. I'll take care of his lackey. (Patrick attacks Mabel)
Man Ray: Mabel?
SpongeBob: Hiyah! Eat dryer sheets Man Ray. (throws some dryer sheets at his face)
Man Ray: Ooh, it's on now. Filthy shorts attack! (flings some underwear at SpongeBob's face) Clothes basket bombardment! (squishes Patrick in a basket) Surrender! Mermaidman? (SpongeBob throws a box at Man Ray's head) Ow! That's it! Time for the spin cycle. (takes off his head and throws it at SpongeBob)
SpongeBob: (gasps) Not so fast Man Ray. (opens a dryer door)
Man Ray: Wha...? (SpongeBob closes the door)
SpongeBob: You're all wet. You need to dry out. (sets the dryer to 'shrink')
Man Ray: What? No! My head is dry-clean only! (Man Ray's head is now small. He speaks in a tiny voice) But I didn't do anything.
SpongeBob: Just keep moving.
Patrick: You too missy.
(SpongeBob and Patrick put them in Jail.. The jail is bulging now)
SpongeBob: Well, our work is done here. (as they walk off, the jail explodes. All the delinquents fall from the sky)
Fred: Oh, my leg! My leg! (cut to Hospital)
Mermaidman: Good job, boys. You won the tournament and returned the costumes. (Mermaidman and Barnacleboy use their rings to suck up the costumes that SpongeBob and Patrick are wearing. Then they are wheeled outside) Thanks again boys.
SpongeBob: Just doing our mermaduty.
Patrick: (whispers to SpongeBob) And then some.
SpongeBob: (laughs) And then some. That's a good one!
Mermaidman: Good-bye young men. Oh look, we have more visitors. (everyone is ranting and yelling)
Mermaidman: Looking good, Man Ray. (as they close in, Mermaidman and Barnacleboy move their wheelchairs as fast as they can)
Barnacleboy: Faster you ol' coot.
SpongeBob: They have so many fans. (crowd chases after them)
End