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Grandpappy the Pirate

(at Krusty Krab)
Mr. Krabs: (mailfish drives up)Hey, I'm expecting a fifty cent rebate check. Gimmie, gimmie, gimmie, gimmie.
Mailfish: Sorry, no check. But I've got this. (gives Mr. Krabs a messenger bottle and walks off)
Mr. Krabs: Oh, a correspondence in a bottle, eh? (reads note) "Ahoy, Yoo-Jeen! I'm so proud ya followed yer ol' Grampa's peg leg and became a pirate, that I'll be sailing by fer a ship's inspection. That vessel better be well-oiled or you'll be dancing the short plank jig!!! Happee lootin! Grampa Redbeard." (screams) Grampa Readbeard!
SpongeBob: I didn't know your grandpa was a pirate, Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: Aye, I come from a whole family of pirates. Gramps used to say, "The Krabs clan has been pirates for as long as we've had claws." And he wanted me to be a pirate, too. (flashback to baby Krabs sucking on a rattle)
Grandpa Redbeard: (fighting pirate skeletons on a ship) One day, you'll be a plunderin' pirate just like yer ol' granddad here. Argh!
Mr. Krabs: So I bought me a ship, hired a crew...
Crew Leader: Argh!
Mr. Krabs: And for years, I drifted the high seas as a pirate. And booty did abound. (crew members want to get paid by the loot Mr. Krabs found)
Mr. Krabs: I started to notice a recurring theme. I just wasn't turning enough profit. So I fired me crew and sold me ship. ‘Twas also the last time I saw me granddad.
Grandpa Redbeard: Argh, if it ain't me pirate grandson.
Mr. Krabs: Well, actually Grandpa, I just sold...
Grandpa Redbeard: Ya know how proud it makes me to see me only grandson continuing in the family business.
Mr. Krabs: (nervous chuckle) Grandpa, I...
Grandpa Redbeard: And I'll be keepin' me eye on your career to see how you progress. Just remember, the only rule in the pirate's code of honor is never tell a lie. (end flashback)
Mr. Krabs: For all he knows, the Krusty Krab is a pirate ship. If he were to find out the truth, it'd break his salty, barnacle-encrusted heart. (sobs)
SpongeBob: Why don't we just make the Krusty Krab look like a pirate ship.
Mr. Krabs: Hmm, not a bad idea, boy. But we're gonna need a first-rate crew.
SpongeBob: We've got Squidward. And I could get Patrick to join up.
Mr. Krabs: Yeah. (cut to later) Alright, me hardies, get this one thing clear-- if Grandpa Redbeard is ever gonna believe I'm a pirate, ye landlubbers are gonna have to pass as a pirate crew. Which means I want you to look like a pirate. (puts a bandana on Squidward's head) I want you to talk like a pirate.
SpongeBob: Swarthy! I mean...shiver me timbers.
Mr. Krabs: But most importantly, I want you to smell like a pirate. (sniffs Patrick) Aw! Very convincing, Patrick. And as me crew, you'll be making the Krusty Krab into an imitation pirate ship. Now, let's get this restaraunt ready to sail. (cut to Mr. Krabs taking a table and putting in the cash register box like a steering wheel. Patrick hammers a couple boards, SpongeBob puts the Krusty Krab sign on top of the building, Patrick breaking boards with his hammer, SpongeBob replacing the Krusty Krab shell sign, and everyone helping with decorations)
Mr. Krabs: Way to go, fellas. (high-pitched yell)
Grandpa Redbeard: (swings to the ship) Hee-ar!
Mr. Krabs: He's coming! Hold me, boy.
Grandpa Redbeard: Yoo-Jeen, me boy! Ah, it's good to see you and your ship after so many moons. 'Twas beginning to think you was lying to your old granddad.
Mr. Krabs: Oh, I would... (nervous chuckle. Clears throat) So, have you met me hardies?
Grandpa Redbeard: Hmm. You call this a pirate crew? They resemble more miserable jellyfishers than swarthy brine skimmers.
SpongeBob: Um...
Grandpa Redbeard: (chuckles) I'm just yankin' your chain, boy! You look like a fine pirate crew.
Mr. Krabs: Whoo.
Grandpa Redbeard: Now, let's see what this rusty old pelican can do. Let's sail!
SpongeBob, Patrick, & Squidward: Aye, sir!
SpongeBob: (turns on a fan) Ahoy, Captain! We be catchin' a mighty gale from the northeast.
Mr. Krabs: Indeed, indeed. And-and just look at the treacherous surf in our path! (Squidward is moving the waves and Patrick spits water at Grandpa Redbeard)
Mr. Krabs: Oh, that salty sea air be so thick, you can almost taste it.
Grandpa Redbeard: Aye.
Mr. Krabs: I'd better take the helm and guide us to safer waters. Aye, that be a wicked sounding wind out there, eh, Granddad? I said, "Aye, that be a wicked soundin' wind out there!"
SpongeBob: Oh! (turns on the record player)
Mr. Krabs: There it is! That wind storm I mentioned earlier, that... (eerie scratching) And, oh a-apparently the cabin is haunted, as well.
Grandpa Redbeard: (picks up a hairnet) What's a hairnet doing on a pirate ship? (Mr. Krabs sputters) Every pirate knows that the majority of his daily nutrition comes from whatever hair or skin flakes fall off the cook and into the stew. This hair net is depriving your crew of their essential nutrients.
Mr. Krabs: Uh-- just a sec. (bends down and turns a projector on) Look out, Grampa, we're under attack! (the video screen shows a giant squid monster)
Grandpa Redbeard: Aye, look at the size of that beast.
Mr. Krabs: Not to worry, Granddad. (grabs a giant harpoon)
Grandpa Redbeard: Aha! That's the stuff!
Mr. Krabs: (throws the harpoon) Ee-ya! Uh, good toss, eh, Granddad?
Grandpa Redbeard: Wha...? (SpongeBob catches the harpoon)
Mr. Krabs: Oh, nothing. Look! (The video projector shows a harpoon landing on the Kraken and knocking him underwater)
Grandpa Redbeard: (chuckles) That's me boy.
Mr. Krabs: Clear.
SpongeBob & Patrick: Hooray!
SpongeBob: Whoo!
Mr. Krabs: Sounds like we got a prize. (whispering) Ready, Squidward?
Squidward: You owe me big time, Mr. Krabs. (takes off his bandana and inflates his body to look like the giant squid monster)
Mr. Krabs: Argh, take that, ya... ya scurvy dog! Ooh, check the size of this, Granddad.(holds Squidward) Granddad, check the... Granddad?
Grandpa Redbeard: Ahoy! Trouble approaching quick! Approximately ten clips of the starboard bow. Man your battle stations. (alarm blares)
Mr. Krabs: Oh no. If Granddad sees something, it must be the real deal.
Grandpa Redbeard: What, do you got cotton in your ears? Move! (SpongeBob stacks some sand bags, Patrick hoists the flag, and Squidward is reading a book)
Mr. Krabs: What exactly are we dealing with, Grampa?
Grandpa Redbeard: Something more hideous than I've ever seen. A raving, gargantuan banshee comin' by with coarse, matted mane with tangled locks.
Mr. Krabs: (gasps) Ugh, sounds replusive.
Grandpa Redbeard: Yeah. It must be destroyed. Here, see for yourself. (gives his grandson a telescope)
Mr. Krabs: Go get em, Granddad. (garbled wailing)
Mr. Krabs: Wait a minute, what kind of disgusting, horrible aberration dare invade me vessel? (looks over the ship and sees Pearl through the telescope)
Pearl: Dad!
Mr. Krabs: (gasps) That disgusting, horrible thing is me daughter. (Grandpa Redbeard lights the fuse on the cannon and points it at Pearl)
Pearl: Open up!
Grandpa Redbeard: Prepare to meet yer maker, sea witch.
Mr. Krabs: No! (puts out the lit fuse)
Grandpa Redbeard: What are you doing?
Mr. Krabs: Oh, I... I was, uh... just checkin' the cannon. Making sure it was loaded. (cannon shrivels up)
Grandpa Redbeard: Paper mache? What is this?
Mr. Krabs: I can explain...
Pearl: Dad! Dad!
Grandpa Redbeard: Now it's even more angry.
Mr. Krabs: Don't worry! I have it under control. (climbs down a rope, off the ship)
Pearl: Daddy!
Mr. Krabs: Pearl, could you pipe down? Your Great-Granddad Redbeard is in there!
Pearl: (laughs) What's with the lame outfit?
Mr. Krabs: What? Oh, nevermind that! (pushes Pearl away) Just go home. (climbs back up the ship where he sees Grandpa Redbeard tearing the wooden waves in half)
Mr. Krabs: I bet you're wondering about that.
Grandpa Redbeard: You're darn tootin' I am! (Patrick spits on Grandpa Redbeard again. He gargles more water but Mr. Krabs grabs his mouth)
Mr. Krabs: Do you mind? (record player is scratching)
Grandpa Redbeard: What kind of ship are you running here?
Mr. Krabs: Just a second. (throws the record on Grandpa Redbeard's nose)
Grandpa Redbeard: Argh!
Mr. Krabs: Now, Granddad, there's a simple explanation.
Grandpa Redbeard: I've smelled stinky things, but nothing smells stinkier than a lie. There's a code that all pirates live by. You knows what it is, don't ya?
Mr. Krabs: Of course I do, Granddad.
Grandpa Redbeard: Well then, say it.
Mr. Krabs: Okay. It's... it's... it's a pirate never lies. (sobs) And-and I've been a dirty liar. Everything you've seen is a lie. This sail is a lie. (tears it down) This crew is a lie. (rips all their pirate clothes off) Even this ship is a lie. (takes a cannonball and destroys the ship with it. The Krusty Krab restaurant is back on ground) All of it! All a lie. (reveals the Krusty Krab menu)
Grandpa Redbeard: Krabby Patties, $2. Krusty Combo, $3.99. Coral Bits, $1.95?!
Mr. Krabs: So you see, Granddad, I'm no pirate. Just a lowly restaurant owner. (sobs) I'm sorry I failed ye.
Grandpa Redbeard: Failed me, boy? (laughs) Why, I couldn't be more proud. Look at your ludicrous prices! Now that's real piracy. Ya done good, boy-o.
Mr. Krabs: Really? Thanks, Granddad.
Grandpa Redbeard: Well, you can thank yourself, lad. You created this dynasty on your own. Now, I'll be taking me leave, boy!
Mr. Krabs: Good-bye, Granddad. What an honest man.
Grandpa Redbeard: (heads off with the cash register and boat from the Krusty Krab) I hope ya don't mind, boy-o, but I helped myself to a little bit of your booty. (laughs)
Mr. Krabs: I knew I got me talent from someone. (laughs)
End