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Sing a Song of Patrick

Patrick: (reading a comic book) (screams) No,no! (starts crying then stops) Yay! (laughs)
Nerd: Well, if only inaudible lad were here right now.
Patrick: Oh. (eats comic book) Nothing satisfies like a good story.
Spongebob: (walks up to Patrick carrying a stack of comic books) Are you ready to go, Patrick?
Patrick: (screams) Get back, I wasn't going to eat all of you!
Spongebob: Patrick, it's me.
Patrick: Sponge... (burps and a piece of paper lands on Spongebob's face)
Spongebob: Ew, what's this?
Patrick: (takes the piece of paper) Well, whatever it is, it's mine. Unless I don't want it. (examines the paper)Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. (eyes get wide) Spongebob, what do all these words say?
Spongebob: It's an ad. (talks like a radio announcer) Dear Comic Book Reader.
Patrick: That's me!
Spongebob: Have you ever thought about turning one of your poems into a hit song on the radio?
Patrick: I never thought about anything.
Spongebob: Send in your poem and $100 and we'll make it a hit! (back in regular voice) Can we go, now? My arms are getting tired.
Patrick: I want to send in a poem and everyone would love it, and I would be a star!
Spongebob: You can't always trust ads in comic books. Those X-Ray specs I ordered couldn't see through people's skin at all...only their clothes. Plus, you don't have $100. (Spongebob's wallet falls out of his pocket) Patrick, could you get my wallet? (Patrick picks up Spongebob's wallet)
Patrick: Hey, look! (pulls out $100 bill from Spongebob's wallet) I just found $100. It's a sign that I should make my hit record.
Spongebob: Hey, that's my comic book money.
Patrick: It a sign! A sign that fell from the back of your pants. I learned to trust signs like that. (walks away)
Spongebob: Patrick?!
Store Clerk: Hey, you going to pay for those comics?
Spongebob: (arms fall off) No. (gets booted out of the store) Oh! Can I have my arms back? (cut to Spongebob's house)
Patrick: I wish not to be disturbed, Spongebob. For I am about to errupt with a masterpiece. (walks away)
Spongebob: Good luck. (doorbell rings) Coming. (Patrick slams door into Spongebob)
Patrick: Spongebob, could I borrow a pencil and some paper and a place to work? (cut to Patrick sitting at a desk)
Patrick: (shakes the pencil over the paper) Spongebob, this pencil is broken! Why won't it make words?
Spongebob: You have to think of the words yourself.
Patrick: I think I wrote a poem once. (flashback to his childhood)
Young Patrick: A Poem, by Patrick Star. Roses are blue, violets are red, I have to go the bathroom. (eats the poem, burps, and takes a bow)
Teacher: How many times times I gotta tell ya? This is gym class. (blows whistle. Dodgeballs are thrown at him while he is on the ground in fear)
Patrick: (back to present) Oh, dodgeballs.
Spongebob: (shadow on the wall of Spongebob holding a ball in the air) Oh, Patrick.
Patrick: (screams) Don't hit me with a dodgeball! (hides under the desk. Spongebob turns on the lights, holding Gary)
Gary: Meow.
Spongebob: Why would I hit you with a dodgeball?
Patrick: I never told anyone this. I wrote a poem once.
Spongebob: No!
Patrick: Wait! there's more. When I read it to the class, they pelted me with dodgeballs! Just because we were playing dodgeball! (cries) Why-y-y-y-y? (dramatic music plays)
Spongebob: (stops the record player) You can play your record later, Gary. Patrick, is that why you've been having trouble writing?
Patrick: I'm worried my poem's not going to be any good and-and you're going to hit me with dodgeballs.
Spongebob: Oh, I don't even own a dodgeball. Do you, Gary?
Gary: (sarcasm) Meow.
Patrick: If you're serious, I can do this. I'm even going to use my brain.
Spongebob: That's the spirit, Patrick! I'll open a window. (cut to Spongebob's house with an opened window)
Patrick: (Tries to think. After a little while, he pokes his head with the pencil) Come on, you stupid brain, work! (Patrick's brain starts working and smoke comes out of his head) It's working! (starts writing)
Spongebob: (knocking) Patrick, don't strain yourself. (Squidward opens his window)
Squidward: Now, what's going on? (Squidward's nose deflates from the smell) What is that horrible smell? (Spongebob walks out of his front door) Is Patrick thinking again?
Patrick: I'm making art!
Squidward: Patrick, it smells like something crawled in your brain and died.
Patrick: That's the creative process at work! (Squidward closes the window) Ready to go to the post office? I need to mail in my masterpiece.
Narrator: The Next Day. (cut to Bigshot Records)
Eban Schletter: And that's why you're my cookie-wookie teddy bear.
Guitarist #1: I hate my life.
Keyboardist: I hate your life, too, dude.
Band Manager: People! We have 17 more song to finish this hour! Next up is: "I Wrote This" by Patrick Star. (sniffs the letter) Ick. (Guitarist #2 then takes it)
Guitarist #2: This one's really bad! It made my eyeballs throw up.
Guitarist #1: Oh yeah. (eyes poof into dust)
Band Manager: I don't care how awful his poem is! We spent his $100 already.
Guitarist #1: Come on, guys. We're going to do this if it kills us. A 1, a 2 and a... (cut to the cemetery where the band members are buried)
Undertaker: They wanted you to have this.
Patrick: My song. Ahh! (cut to Spongebob's house)
Spongebob: Come on, let's hear it!
Patrick: Um, I don't know. You're not going to throw dodgeballs at me?
Spongebob: I don't see any dodgeballs here, buddy. Just an artist and his work.
Patrick: Yeah, and me too! Now sit down and get comfortable.
Spongebob: (sits on his arm chair. Patrick pushes a big stereo in front of him) Uhh, Patrick?
Patrick: (standing on top of the stereo) Spongebob SquarePants, are you ready to rock? Whoo! (Spongebob screams as Patrick jumps off the stereo and onto the chair. Clicks the music on with the remote)
Spongebob: (covering his ears) It's really loud!!
Patrick: You need it louder? Okay!
Eban Schletter: (singing Patrick's song)
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Twinkle, Twinkle, Patrick Star
I made myself a sandwich
My mommy named it Fred
It tastes like beans and bacon
And smells like it's been dead

Writing stuff is hard so I use a pointy pencil
Pointy, Pointy, Pointy, Pointy, Pointy, Point.
P.U. What's that horrible smell?
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Man: Drum solo! (plays drum solo) (wallpaper starts to peel and plants are dead. A picture of Mr. and Mrs. SquarePants goes from happy to angry)
Eban Schletter:
---------------------------------
I have a head that ends in a Point
Pointy, Pointy, Pointy, Pointy, Pointy, Point.
This song is over, except for this line
You win this round, Broccoli!
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(song ends as the house is destroyed and the stereo crashes on top of both of them)
Patrick: That was awesome! Did you like it or did you really, really like it? Oh, give me your completely honest opinion of how great it was.
Spongebob: Oh, how do I put this delicately? That was the best song I ever heard!
Patrick: Do you really think so?
Spongebob: We need to get that song on the radio!
Patrick: Then let's go right now, come on! (grabs Spongebob's arm and rips it off)
Spongebob: Darn, I just got that arm back. (cut to the radio station)
Patrick: I can't wait to see look on their face once they hear this. (they walk inside. An employee screams and kicks them both out and locks the door)
Spongebob: Did you see the look on his face?
Patrick: Yeah, did you see his ears?
Spongebob: I didn't know they could turn inside-out like that. Now, how are we going to get your record on the radio?
Patrick: What record? (they notice the antenna)
Spongebob: I got an idea! (cut to later where Spongebob and Patrick are on the roof of the radio station) We just have to play your record from the top of this antenna.
Patrick: Carry me?
Spongebob: Huh? Patrick-- (Patrick jumps on top of Spongebob, squishing him. Spongebob struggles picking him up)
Patrick: Tally ho! Mush! Onward and upward! (Spongebob struggles getting to the top) Faster, Spongebob, faster! (Patrick sees a ship go by. They finally get to the top where Spongebob places the record on the top of the antenna but it falls off. He catches it) Oh! Hmm...this record won't stay put. (Spongebob mumbles) Good idea. (takes out a piece of bubble gum and chews on it. Blows a bubble on his face while Spongebob mumbles something again)
Oh, yeah, I forgot. (pulls gum off and sticks it to the bottom of the record player then he puts it on the top of the antenna and turns it on)
Eban Schletter: (on the radio) Twinkle, Twinkle, Patrick Star. (fish walking by a radio store screams after hearing the first line) I made myself a sandwich. (fish driving a boat screams) My mommy named it Fred.
Fish #1: It's in my head! (screams more as the boat spins and crashes)
Eban Schletter: (on the radio) It tastes like beans and bacon. And smells like it's been dead. (two fish are walking around listening to music) Writing stuff is hard so I use a pointy pencil. (Fish #2's head explodes)
Fish #3: Lucky.
Eban Schletter: (on the radio) Pointy, Pointy, Pointy, Pointy, Pointy, Point.
Fish #4: (to his girlfriend) This song always makes me think of you.
Eban Schletter: (on the radio) P.U. What's that horrible smell? (girlfriend punches boyfriend)
Man: (on the radio) Drum solo! (everyone screams and runs around during the song. Two fish help tip a boat over)
Fish #5: Stop!
Eban Schletter: (on the radio) I have a head that ends in a point.
Pilot #1: (covering his ears) My ears! (pilot pulls the controls out then jump out of the plane and pull out their parachutes)
Eban Schletter: (on the radio) Pointy, Pointy, Pointy, Pointy, Pointy, Point. (the plane lands into the Fireworks Storage and it explodes and fireworks going off everywhere) This song is over. Except for this line.
Old Man Jenkins: I like it. (hums the song)
Eban Schletter: (on the radio) You win this round, Broccoli! (song ends then starts over again)
Spongebob: Well, it looks like Bikini Bottom is throwing a party. And you know what a party needs?
Patrick: Uhh, Bean Dip?
Spongebob: Yes, that is important. but I was thinking about music! Turn it up, Patrick! (Patrick turns the volume up)
Eban Schletter: (on the radio) It tastes like beans and bacon.
Fred: (covering his ears) Where is that awful song coming from?
Eban Schletter: (on the radio) And smells like it's been dead.
Fred: (points to the radio station) To the radio station!
Fresh Torch Vendor: Torches, get your torches! (few grab a torch)
Pitchfork Vendor: Pitchforks! You can't be an angry mob without pitchforks! (few grab a pitchfork)
Cotton Candy Vendor: Cotton Candy, get your cotton candy! You can't throw a riot without cotton candy! (everyone stops, looks at the vendor, then continues marching towards the radio station)
Eban Schletter: (on the radio) I have a head that ends in a point.
Spongebob: Look at that, Patrick! (they can see the angry mob is coming)
Patrick: Oh, you mean the angry mob with the pitchforks and torches?
Spongebob: (laughs) That's not an angry mob, Patrick. It's your fan club!
Patrick: Fan club? (song ends) Yee-hoo! We should sing them a song!
Fred: Who's responsible for that song on the radio? (Spongebob and Patrick jump off the roof) Spongebob: Why, he's right here. Patrick Star, Musical Genius. (Patrick drools then burps)
Fred: Let's get them, boys! (they start chasing them. They beat them up but Spongebob and Patrick play with a chainsaw, guitar and tambourine instruments wildly.)
Patrick: And that was my new song called "Ayyye."
Fred: You know, it's not that bad.
Fish #2: Yeah. At least it got that first terrible song out of our heads.
Patrick: Oh, yeah. My song. (plays his guitar) Oh, Twinkle, Twinkle, Patrick Star. (whistle blows. It's the teacher from Patrick's childhood)
Teacher: Patrick! Looks like you need another lesson! Dodgeballs ready! (everyone gets out a dodgeball)
Patrick: Uh-oh. (everyone starts throwing dodgeballs at Spongebob and Patrick)
End