Shanghaied
written by Aaron Springer, C.H. Greenblatt, and Merriwether Williams
typed by Sarah exclusively for Sarah's Spongebob Shrine

Spongebob: (yawns and sits down at breakfast table with "Kelpo" cereal box) Mmm, Kelpo! (reads) With one of eight essential prizes inside! (shakes all cereal out of box and looks inside it, giant anchor slams into Spongebob's house) Holy shrimp! (runs out of house) Squidward! The sky had a baby from my cereal box! Squiiiiidwaaaaard! (Squidward looks out window) Squidward! The sky had a baby! (points at anchor)
Squidward: That's not a baby! That's a giant anchor! Now go away! (Patrick arrives)
Patrick: Hey, Spongebob! The sky had a baby!
Spongebob: I know! What do you think we should name it?
Patrick: How about....
Squidward: Why don't you two go climb its anchor rope? I'm sure it goes somewhere far away! (anchor slides over and slams into Squidward's house) Now look what you've done!
Spongebob: We didn't do it, Squidward. Our hands are clean! (Patrick and Spongebob hold out their hands)
Patrick: Clean....
Squidward: (standing on roof of house) Well, I'm gonna get to the bottom of this thing.
Spongebob: Wouldn't that be the top? (Squidward narrows his eyes at Spongebob and Patrick and starts climbing the anchor rope)
Spongebob: Squid, wait! Wait!
Patrick: Squidward!
(Spongebob and Patrick start climbing the anchor rope below Squidward)
French voice-over guy: A few inches later....
Spongebob: (points upward) Ship!
Patrick: Spongebob, how long are you gonna stay in your little fantasy world?
Spongebob: No, look, a giant ship!
Squidward: Great! Let's go! Now I can finally give this anchor-dropper a piece of my mind.
Spongebob: I don't know, Squidward. That ship has a spooky green glow around it.
Squidward: That's probably because its good-for-nothing owner is too lazy to clean or drop its anchors in the right place. (continues climbing)
Spongebob: Squid, wait! (Spongebob and Patrick also continue climbing)
(the three reach the deck of the ship)
Squidward: All right, who owns this crate? (spots swinging doors that say "Owner", storms over to them, knocks) Come on out! I wanna file a complaint!
(Spongebob looks around the ship at all the spooky stuff; everything is glowing green and there is a large skull-and-crossbones flag)
Spongebob: (to Patrick) Doesn't this place seem familiar?
Patrick: I don't know. Why?
Spongebob: I don't know. Doesn't it just kind of ring a bell?
(Squidward rings doorbell)
Patrick: Yes!
Spongebob: I know who owns this boat; I just can't place the name. (walks past barrel with "PROPERTY OF THE FLYING DUTCHMAN" stamped on it)
Flying Dutchman: (bursts out of swinging doors) RAROORAR!
(Spongebob and Patrick still haven't noticed the Flying Dutchman)
Spongebob: (waves hand) No, no, it's not "RAROORAR!" (imitates Flying Dutchman)
Flying Dutchman: I am the Flying Dutchman!
Spongebob: That's it! Squidward, this ship belongs to the Red Baron!
Flying Dutchman: Who be disturbin' the Flying Dutchman in his own lair?
Spongebob: It's Squidward. He wants to complain to you.
(Flying Dutchman glares at Squidward, lightning flashes, thunder crashes)
Squidward: (stutters) I....no, I don't.
Spongebob: Well, what about all that stuff about him having a dirty ship and being lazy and all?
Squidward: (pulls collar, nervous, stutters) I never said that.
Flying Dutchman: (glares at Squidward) Insultin' a man's ship be worse than insultin' his mother!
Spongebob: No, no, wait, it was his mother you said was dirty, not his ship.
(Flying Dutchman shoots flame out of his nose, frying Squidward)
Squidward: (screams) AAAHHH! (normal voice) Ow.
Flying Dutchman: (looks at Spongebob and Patrick) You're next!
Spongebob and Patrick: (scream and jump off side of ship, falling) That was a close one! (they land on the deck of the same ship)
Flying Dutchman: Welcome back!
(Spongebob and Patrick scream and jump off side of ship again, falling)
Spongebob: That was a closer one!
(Spongebob and Patrick land on the deck of the same ship a second time)
Flying Dutchman: Welcome back!
(Spongebob and Patrick scream and jump off side of ship for a third time, falling)
Squidward: Hey! How come when they act up, all they get is the welcome wagon? If you ask me, it's....
(Flying Dutchman zaps Squidward with fire, Squidward screams)
(Spongebob and Patrick land on the deck of the same ship a third time)
Flying Dutchman: So, are you gonna try that again?
Patrick: Probably.
(Flying Dutchman zaps Squidward with fire, Squidward screams)
Flying Dutchman: How 'bout now?
Patrick: Uhhhh....
Squidward: (covers Patrick's mouth) No, no, they're not. Whew.
(Flying Dutchman zaps Squidward with fire, Squidward screams)
Flying Dutchman: Now listen. (pulls out "Ghost Rule Book", opens it, pulls out single spectacle) Whosoever sets foot on the Flying Dutchman's ship, uninvited or otherwise, shall become members of his ghostly crew forever! (shuts book) And, uh (opens book), ever. (shuts book)
Squidward: (sarcastically) Will we be getting business cards?
(Flying Dutchman zaps Squidward with fire, Squidward screams)
Flying Dutchman: You're part of my crew now, and our job is to sail around and frighten people. It'll be grueling, mind-numbing, and repetitive. Just like....daytime television.
Squidward: Now you listen here, mister. If you think I'm gonna spend more than five minutes on this dumpster, then you're crazy. I mean, look at this place. It's disgusting! (holds up glowing green jockstrap) Whoever told you that having oil lamps next to hardwood paneling was a good ide- (Flying Dutchman picks up Squidward) Oh, oh now what? I suppose you're gonna show me.... (Flying Dutchman opens the sky up with a large zipper, revealing a swirling vortex of many colors) Oh, gee, that's very nice. What is this, some kind of magic act? (Flying Dutchman tosses Squidward into the vortex, Squidward falls into the bottomless vortex, screaming)
Flying Dutchman: (closes the giant zipper and turns to Spongebob and Patrick) Would anyone else like to enter the "Fly of Despair"?
Spongebob: No! We know our place now, Mister Dutchman.
Patrick: We'll do anything you say!
Flying Dutchman: Then, for starters, you can....swab the deck! (hands Spongebob a glowing green broom and Patrick a glowing green bucket)
Spongebob: Look, Patrick! A real, live, ghost mop!
Patrick: And I got this hat!
Flying Dutchman: Listen! We're heading down to Bikini Bottom tonight for a little haunting spree, so I want this ship to look good and scary!
Spongebob: (taps chin) You mean you want it to look good....and scary. Well, I think we can probably....
Patrick: No, no, I think he means he wants it to look so good that it's scary.
Spongebob: Or maybe that by looking so scary you forget that it doesn't look good!
Patrick: I don't get it.
(Flying Dutchman has his hand on his cheek, looks bored)
Spongebob: Look, it's easy, it simply means that....
Flying Dutchman: Never mind what it means! I just want it to look scary! That's it! You know, mold growing on the ceilings and bugs in the sink.
Spongebob: So, you don't want it to look good?
Flying Dutchman: GET MOVING!
(Spongebob starts mopping and Patrick rubs the bucket around in a mopping motion)
(new scene, the Flying Dutchman's ship is floating underwater toward Bikini Bottom, Patrick is at the steering wheel, Flying Dutchman and Spongebob are standing on the deck)
Flying Dutchman: What a night be this! Crew, howl with me so that we might set the Seven Seas ablaze with fear! (howls) Ouuuu!
Spongebob: (annoying noise) Aaahhh!
Patrick: Lay-da-lay-da-lay-da-lay!
Flying Dutchman: Ouuuu!
Spongebob: (annoying noise) Aaahhh!
Patrick: Lay-da-lay-da-lay-da-lay! (Flying Dutchman prepares to howl again, but Patrick continues moaning for at least ten more seconds)
Flying Dutchman: Eh, that'll do. Okay, Square One, since Pink One's working the navigation, it's up to you to find our first victim. (points sword at Spongebob, which turns into a telescope, hands it to Spongebob) Here, use this spyglass. Now hurry up! We're burnin' moonlight!
Spongebob: Let's see who we can find. (sets telescope on deck of ship, spins it like "Spin the Bottle", it stops, he looks through it) Captain, there's a guy we can scare.
(telescope view of big, buff guy walking with pounding footsteps)
(Flying Dutchman looks alarmed, blows a puff of air at the telescope, shifting it)
(telescope view of little kid skipping)
Little Kid: (happy music playing in background) I had four biscuits, and I ate one. Then I only had three.
Flying Dutchman: Ahh, it does me heart good to see children out after dark. Pink One, take us behind those rocks.
Patrick: Moving behind the rocks!
(ship moves behind rocks, scratching against them, pulling off pieces of the ship)
Spongebob: Keep going....you're good....you're good....you're good....and....stop. Don't worry, Captain, we'll buff out those scratches.
Flying Dutchman: (groans) All right, never mind it. Just jump out when I give the signal.
(Little Kid is walking down street, Flying Dutchman appears from behind rocks, Little Kid screams)
Flying Dutchman: Boo! Prepare to be burdened with the haunting memory of my ghostly ghost pirates! (gestures to nearby bush)
(Spongebob and Patrick appear from bush, looking confused)
Spongebob: Was that the signal? Okay, sorry, sorry, just....just do it again.
Flying Dutchman: (turns back to Little Kid) With the haunting memory of my ghostly ghost pirates!
(Spongebob and Patrick rise up again from bush, making eerie noises, Spongebob makes two linked circles from his thumbs and index fingers, puts hands behind his head, and brings hands back into view with the circles unlinked)
Patrick: (eerie voice) How does he doooo that?
Flying Dutchman: (points toward ship) Get back on the ship.
Spongebob and Patrick: (walking backwards, waving arms, still eerie voices) It's still a mystery!
Little Kid: (to Dutchman) Those guys are dorks.
Flying Dutchman: Yes, but they're my dorks.
(new scene, more pieces flying off ship as Patrick parks it, Flying Dutchman has elbow propped on the ship's ledge, looking bored)
Spongebob: You're good....you're good....you're good....
(new scene, Flying Dutchman breathes fire at a female turquoise-colored fish when he and the lady both notice bubbles, they turn and look at Spongebob, who is blowing the bubbles, and Patrick, who holds up a sheet of aluminum and shakes it back and forth, making a funny wobbly noise)
(new scene, more pieces flying off ship as Patrick parks it, Flying Dutchman has elbow propped on the ship's ledge, looking bored)
Spongebob: You're good....you're good....you're good....
(new scene, Larry the lobster is jogging down the street next to a metal wall when the Flying Dutchman pops out of the wall and screams, Spongebob and Patrick try to pop through the wall but are unsuccessful and try to scream)
(new scene, more pieces flying off ship as Patrick parks it, Flying Dutchman has elbow propped on the ship's ledge, looking bored)
Spongebob: You're good....you're good....you're good....
(new scene, Flying Dutchman scares a male rust-colored fish by turning his own head around 360 degrees, camera shows a heads-only shot of Spongebob and Patrick seemingly doing the same thing, but they keep spinning faster and faster until camera shows a shot of their whole bodies dressed in purple figure-skating unitards, they stop spinning and skate away on an ice rink)
(new scene, Spongebob and Patrick back on the ship in their bunk room sitting on a bench, both pairs of ice skates hanging from posts on the wall)
Spongebob: Why do you think the Dutchman asked us to wait in our bunk room?
Patrick: Maybe he's gonna give us a reward!
Spongebob: Like movie passes?!
Patrick: Or an oversized coffee mug?!
(they start bouncing excitedly, Flying Dutchman enters)
Flying Dutchman: I've been thinking. Stop bouncing! (Spongebob and Patrick stop bouncing) This whole "crew for eternity" thing isn't working out. It's not really you so much as it is me.
Spongebob: You're setting us free?
Flying Dutchman: Well, actually, I'm just gonna eat you. See you at dinner! (exits and closes door behind him)
(Spongebob and Patrick scream)
Patrick: Wait, I have an idea!
Spongebob: Really?! What is it?
Patrick: Let's leave!
Spongebob: But the door is locked. (points to door) And the only way out is through the....perfume department. (points to the right of the locked door at an open doorway, showing a view of humans in a department store perfume section)
Patrick: Let's do it.
(Spongebob gulps)
(view of Spongebob and Patrick trying to run through the perfume department and getting sprayed with perfume, coughing, they fall)
Spongebob: I always hate going in there!
Patrick: Yeah.
Spongebob: (hears Flying Dutchman laughing) Wait! Listen!
(Flying Dutchman is sitting in his room, holding a tape recorder)
Flying Dutchman: Dear Diary: I told them I'm going to eat them tomorrow. I made up some of that brown sauce my cousin showed me just for the occasion. Ahh, it's a good thing I found my dining sock again. (view of white sock on desk) Remember the last time I lost me dining sock, I couldn't eat for a whole week. Yes, sir, sometimes I wonder how I'd survive if anything should ever happen.... (notices sock missing from desk, gasps, Spongebob and Patrick run out the swinging doors, holding the sock, Flying Dutchman pops out from under the deck of the ship, blocking Spongebob and Patrick's path) Give me back my sock! Everyone knows I can't eat without it!
Spongebob: Never!
Flying Dutchman: Okay, then.... (tries to zap Spongebob with fire, but Spongebob holds up the sock, reflecting the fire back toward Flying Dutchman, Flying Dutchman and Spongebob tug on the sock) Give it to me!
Spongebob: No!
Flying Dutchman: Wait, you're stretching out the elastic!
Patrick: It would seem we have reached an impasse. (Flying Dutchman and Spongebob stop struggling with the sock)
Flying Dutchman: Pink One is right. Tell you what. You give me back the sock, and I'll give you....three wishes.
Patrick: Make it five.
Flying Dutchman: Four.
Patrick: Three. Take it or leave it.
Flying Dutchman: O-kay. Uh, three. You get three wishes.
Spongebob: Wow! Three wishes, Pat. Isn't that great?
Patrick: Wishes? I wish we had known that earlier!
(clock ticks back one minute)
Flying Dutchman: Okay, you got two wishes left.
(Spongebob glares at Patrick)
Spongebob: Well, we still have two more. How exciting! I wish Squidward were here to see this!
(shot of Squidward still falling down the "Fly of Despair", screaming, he finally crashes into his own bed)
Squidward: Boy, I'm glad all that's over! (disappears and reappears on the ship)
Spongebob and Patrick: Squidward! You're back! (Squidward looks around the ship in disbelief)
Spongebob: Guess what? The Dutchman gave us three wishes! Patrick used the first one, and I guess I....(voice falls) just used the second one.
Squidward: Well, then, the last one you owe me because you got me back into this mess!
(the three start arguing over who should get the last wish)
Flying Dutchman: That's enough! (they stop bickering) Using my mystic other-worldly powers, I shall decide who gets the last wish. (begins pointing in sequence to Spongebob, Patrick, and Squidward) Eeny, meeny, miny, mo, catch a sailor by the toe, if he hollers, let him go, my mother told me to pick the very best one and....

(cartoon stops, viewers call in and vote on who should get the final wish, but Nickelodeon shows all three endings even though Spongebob is the winner)

Patrick's ending:
Flying Dutchman: (still eeny-meeny-miny-mo-ing) You are it! (finger stops on Patrick)
Spongebob: That's you, Patrick. Make your wish.
Patrick: Uhhhh....
Squidward: Wait, Patrick, listen. I do not particularly feel like being trapped here for all eternity. Eternity is a very long time, understand?!
Spongebob: Patrick, you've got to think harder than you've ever thought before.
Patrick: (weakly) Uhhhh....
Spongebob: That's not gonna do it! Think harder!
Patrick: (a little stronger) Uhhhh....
(Spongebob and Squidward are cheering Patrick on as he keeps groaning, camera shows view of inside of Patrick's brain, burnt toast pops up from toaster)
Patrick: Okay! I've got it.
Flying Dutchman: Thou wish is granted.
(magic sparks in air)
Patrick: (chewing) Oh, I'm sorry. Want some gum? (pulls gum out of pocket, offers it to Spongebob and Squidward)
Squidward: You wished for gum?
Patrick: Well, if we're gonna be here forever, we might as well have fresh breath!
(Spongebob and Squidward each take a piece of gum and put it in their mouths)
(next scene, Flying Dutchman sitting at a table with a huge stomach, the three clamoring to get out)
Flying Dutchman: Ahh. Minty.

Squidward's ending:
Flying Dutchman: (still eeny-meeny-miny-mo-ing) You are it! (finger stops on Squidward)
Spongebob: Squidward, you get a wish! A great big wish!
Squidward: That's right! And you know what I wish?
Patrick: No!
Squidward: I wish that I had never met you two barnacle-heads before in my entire life!
Flying Dutchman: So be it. (magic sparks in air)
Spongebob: Hi there, I don't believe we've met. My name is Spongebob, and this is my associate Patrick.
Patrick: Hi.
Squidward: (points angrily at Flying Dutchman) That's not what I meant!
Flying Dutchman: Well, now that introductions are out of the way, it's time for dinner!
(next scene, Flying Dutchman sitting at a table with a huge stomach)
Spongebob: And what did you say your name was?
Squidward: I'm Squidward....I'm your neighbor.
Spongebob: Oh, nice to meet you, Squid-ward (pronounces it like he has never heard it before). We'll have plenty of time to get to know each other, I guess. (laughs)