The first time I dabbed I knew there was something more to the simple dance move than met the eye. There was something about the dab that was special. Something, dare I say, powerful.
I've done research on the matter, of course, and I've started to pick up on clues. The angle of the arm where you tuck your head (henceforth known as the "Dabbing Arm") and the aerodynamic angling of the extended opposite arm (henceforth known as "The Rudder") create a symbol of power that was once used by ancient mystics. Why these wisemen used the Dab Symbol is unknown to modern scholars and is a matter of hot debate, but I believe that early man had discovered the potential power in the dab. Over millennia, unfortunately, it appears that mankind had forgotten about the dab.
That is, ladies and gentlemen, until recently. The Dab has resurfaced, supposedly starting around Atlanta, Georgia (though that's a matter of debate in the Professional Dabbing Community), but this begs to question
why? Why has dabbing returned? Could it be that there are forces at work beyond our conception pulling the strings? Perhaps a benevolent God or deity has decided that our society was ready to embrace the dab, and that through Dabbing we shall reach enlightenment. On the other hand, it's also possible that the power of Dabbing was reintroduced into society be someone meaning to sew chaos. If the sort of awesome powers that stem from dabbing could be wielded by a complete novice then who could say how much collateral damage could be taken?
I believe that dabbing is connected to the Ancient Egyptians. Think about it; when you dab your Dabbing Arm is bent at approximately a 45 degree angle. The pyramids are also triangular and are roughly 45 degree angles. Start to see connections? Madonna understood this, which is why she wrote the song "Walk Like An Egyptian". Madonna truly is one of the brightest minds of this century.
But that's not it. There's more about Egypt than most would think. Who was hiding out in Egypt, and had incredible powers? That's right, Dio Brando. Was The World a Stand brought about by mastering dabbing? Perhaps not, though images from the Speedwagon Foundation paint a very convincing picture.
I'll let you be the judge.
I've almost mastered the Dab, and when I finish my studies and research my power will be absolute. No one will be able to stop me. All the fundies and roasties will feel my strength. The Chads and Staceys will cry and scream "Please, u/Piffinatour, don't kill us!" and I will proclaim "Forget Gumwaa. Have Funwaa!" as I destroy them with my concentrated Dabs. The day of retribution is nigh, brothers. Some of you are alright, don't come to school tomorrow.
