Old Man Jenkins☣
A Real Bon Vivant
Yup, another one of me cut-rate, unnecessarily dark and violent fanfics.
Plot: SpongeBob SquarePants. Fry Cook. Student Driver. Jellyfisher. Psychopath.
Warning: This story contains scenes of a graphic nature, involving: rape, torture, mass-murder of men, women, children and animals of all ages alike, sadism, and masochism. And a copious amount of nonsense of the nautical variety.
Prologue: Hip To Be Square
The scene opens up as the sunrise dawns on Bikini Atoll. It shines ever so brightly on a certain pineapple under the sea. A yellow sea sponge awoke to the sound of his alarm clock wailing, booming for him to wake up. He rose from his slumber to shut it off. He looked out his window to the sight of Mr. Sun smiling down at Him. Mr. Sun descended towards his window to tell the porous young sponge something.
Mr. Sun: It's gonna be a good one just wait and see!
He gave the sponge a wink and the sponge winked back from the intense sunlight emanating in his room. The sponge jumped out of bed and he ran outside in his underwear, feeling most excited ecstatic-fied.
The excessive noise the sponge was making in doing so awoke his next door neighbor, Squidward Tentacles, who should be used to this morning routine right now but isn't.
Squidward: Neptune, kill me now.
It also woke up his other neighbor, the impressionable Patrick Star, who rose from his rock to check out on all the ruckus.
Patrick: Is it time already to ruin Squidward's day? Hold on SpongeBob! Don't start without me!
He plopped back into his rock before immediately popping back out in a tuxedo and top hat.
SpongeBob: Not quite yet, Patrick, but since we're already risen and shining, what's the harm in getting an early start? I still need to get freshened up. You get him all warmed up and I'll go in for the kill.
SpongeBob told Patrick with glee.
Patrick: The kill!
Patrick turned and ran towards Squidward's house.
Patrick: Hey Squidward!
Squidward: Go away!
SpongeBob ran back into his pineapple and turned on his radio, which was tuned to a news alert. He steps into the shower as it plays.
Perch Perkins: Perch Perkins here, reporting live from the Sanderson residence, the scene of yet another set of gruesome murders. This along with somewhat different yet somewhat similar string of other murders has local law enforcement on edge. In a statement issued by the Bikini Bottom Police Department, Chief Al Priss says that "we have not yet come up with a nickname for this piece of barnacle, but we'll come up with something as more light (and blood) is shed on this sick individual." You are listening to KRUV, home of your favorite you-won't-be-getting-away-with-my-car hits!
"Hip To Be Square" by Huey Lewis & The News plays on the station.
Song: I used to be a renegade, I used to fool around But I couldn't take the punishment, and had to settle down
SpongeBob steps out of his shower and approaches the bathroom sink and mirror. He brushes his teeth thoroughly, rinses and repeats the process for his eyeballs.
"I start off every morning just washing every nightly thing away with a nice, warm shower. Then I go about cleaning up parts of my body that you can't normally get to in the shower, or at all. I use Fishpaste brand toothpaste for my everyday oral hygienics. I also find it to be rather useful in keeping your eyes less irritable and susceptible for redness."
Song: Now I'm playing it real straight, and yes I cut my hair
He takes out a razor and some shaving cream in order to shave the light shadow off his face. He then takes a pair of scissors in order to cut off a pimple that was on his nose before taking out a can of hair spray and spraying down a lone strand of hair on his head before cutting that off, as well.
"As an employee of the Krusty Krab, you're trained in keeping a neat, clean appearance in order to make yourself more, as Mr. Krabs would say, 'monetarily approachable' to the clientele or as we say we like to call them, 'the krustomers', or as Mr. K likes to call them, 'me money', or as my co-worker likes to call them, 'the bane of my existence', or as I like to call them, 'the robots'."
Song: You might think I'm crazy, but I don't even care Because I can tell what's going on
He then proceeds to pluck out all his eyelashes before reinserting new eyelashes in their place. He takes out some patented Sponge Gloss and smears it all over his body. The gloss settles in on his skin until it sparkles and glistens. He stares at himself blankly in the mirror before taking out a bottle of prescription "happy pills" from the medicine cabinet and downs a couple with some water before smiling real wide at himself in the the mirror.
"I take extra care in removing every last eyelash wish I have on the daily before carefully replacing it with new ones since Patrick borrowed my mascara and hasn't returned it since. I discovered this great gloss that really helps bring out some nice, needed and added sheen on an otherwise porous and absorbent body such as mine. After all at the Krusty Krab, cleanliness is next to krustiness."
Song: It's hip to be square!
SpongeBob trots his way downstairs in his underwear to the kitchen where he prepares a bowl of ice cream for breakfast. He looks through his freezer, sifting past the disembodied realistic fish head inside. He is disappointed to find that he has no ice cream but goes about squirting some ketchup into the bowl and some chopped onions.
Song: I like my bands in business suits, I watch them on TV I'm working out most everyday and watching what I eat
SpongeBob: Now all it needs is just one more ingredient!
He looks into his food cabinet to find only a jar of peanuts and some cherries.
SpongeBob: Peanuts? Cherries? Boring.
He opens up his fridge and checks the meat drawer. He pulls a tongue out from it and shuts the fridge door.
SpongeBob: And the pickles are already underneath it! Can't forget those!
He takes it over to his bowl and proceeds to chop it into his 'ice cream', as well.
"I try and keep myself on a strict diet, being a fry cook means I'm around all sorts of greasy, fried foods. Being a cook, I also try to be a bit more creative with my meals. I try to experiment many new things. I find that tongues in general give off more flavoring and an overall better taste. Who knows, I might just come across my own secret formula one of these days."
Song: I know that it's crazy I know that it's nowhere But there is no denying that, it's hip to be square!
SpongeBob consumes his breakfast before hitting the weight room. A large poster saying "I ❤ PAIN" adorns the weight room as well as his top of the line stuffed animal weight set. He performs some stoutness exercises consisting of a weird combination of squats and jumping jacks.
SpongeBob: HUP! HOO! HUP! HOO! HUP! HOO! HUP! HOO!
He then gets on the bench and presses his stuffed animal barbell a whole one and a half times before curling two stuffed bear dumbbells at the same time. He slams the stuffed bears to the ground, squeaking as they make impact. He checks himself out in the mirror for a bit at his "results".
"I've set myself up a very rigorous workout regimen. A sponge must be his spongiest, after all. My stoutness exercises work the main core of my body exceedingly well, every part of my body just becomes that much more stronger each time I finish just those alone. My homemade, state of the art weight set is specially designed to push my body beyond its usual limits. For what it's worth, one a half is a new personal record for me."
Song: Its hip to be a square! Its hip to be a square! So hip to be a square!
SpongeBob finishes working up his daily drop of sweat. He then trots to his bedroom upstairs, running past and taking a moment to admire the awards he has in his awards closet. He digs through his closet and finds himself torn between which of his many identical pairs of square pants he shall wear today. After about ten minutes of decision making, he finally settles and slaps on a pair. He ties on his shoes and tie. He puts on a suit jacket and top hat that are similar to the ones Patrick was wearing, as well. He adjusts his cuff links as he stares blankly out out his bedroom window towards Squidward's house.
"After my body has been rigorously tested, I take some time out of my morning schedule to...admire all the awards that I have received for my achievements and contributions towards making Bikini Bottom a more better, wholesome place to live in. I like to think of myself as an upstanding citizen of society, but at the same time, I don't want to give anyone the impression that I'm all uptight and can't let loose. I can't simply be one over the other, so I try to mesh those two sides of me well together."
Song: It's not too hard to figure out, you see it everyday And those that were the farthest out have gone the other way You see them on the freeway, It don't look like a lot of fun But don't you try to fight it; "An idea who's time has come!"
"But I'm also well aware of people's opinions of me. I know my neighbor and co-worker hates my guts. I know my boating school teacher hates me just as much, possibly even more. I know my boss merely sees me as a means to make some easy excess cash. I know my best friend simply uses me majority of the time. I know my family uses me just as much, throwing their weight on me, all while keeping me on a tight leash, yet loose enough to keep me as far away from them as possible. The people of this town ::dolphin noise:: me out for help, but are easy to up and turn on me at a moments notice. And I just deal with it all with a smile."
Song: Don't tell me that I'm crazy! Don't tell me I'm nowhere! Take it from me!
SpongeBob's pupils widen as he continues staring at Squidward's house.
"There is an idea of a SpongeBob Squarepants, some kind of abstraction. But there is no real me. Only an entity, something illusory. And though I can hide my cold gaze, and you can shake my hand and feel a spongy substance gripping yours and maybe you can even sense our lifestyles are probably comparable... I simply am not there."
Song: It's hip to be a square!
"But perhaps I'm getting a bit too ahead of myself."
His eyes dilate back to normal and a smile curls upon his face before heading out the door.
Song: Here, There, and everywhere! Hip, Hip, so hip to be a square! Here, There, and everywhere!Hip Hip! Here, There, and everywhere! Hip, Hip, so hip to be a square! Here, There, and everywhere! Hip Hip!
Plot: SpongeBob SquarePants. Fry Cook. Student Driver. Jellyfisher. Psychopath.
Warning: This story contains scenes of a graphic nature, involving: rape, torture, mass-murder of men, women, children and animals of all ages alike, sadism, and masochism. And a copious amount of nonsense of the nautical variety.
Prologue: Hip To Be Square
The scene opens up as the sunrise dawns on Bikini Atoll. It shines ever so brightly on a certain pineapple under the sea. A yellow sea sponge awoke to the sound of his alarm clock wailing, booming for him to wake up. He rose from his slumber to shut it off. He looked out his window to the sight of Mr. Sun smiling down at Him. Mr. Sun descended towards his window to tell the porous young sponge something.
Mr. Sun: It's gonna be a good one just wait and see!
He gave the sponge a wink and the sponge winked back from the intense sunlight emanating in his room. The sponge jumped out of bed and he ran outside in his underwear, feeling most excited ecstatic-fied.
The excessive noise the sponge was making in doing so awoke his next door neighbor, Squidward Tentacles, who should be used to this morning routine right now but isn't.
Squidward: Neptune, kill me now.
It also woke up his other neighbor, the impressionable Patrick Star, who rose from his rock to check out on all the ruckus.
Patrick: Is it time already to ruin Squidward's day? Hold on SpongeBob! Don't start without me!
He plopped back into his rock before immediately popping back out in a tuxedo and top hat.
SpongeBob: Not quite yet, Patrick, but since we're already risen and shining, what's the harm in getting an early start? I still need to get freshened up. You get him all warmed up and I'll go in for the kill.
SpongeBob told Patrick with glee.
Patrick: The kill!
Patrick turned and ran towards Squidward's house.
Patrick: Hey Squidward!
Squidward: Go away!
SpongeBob ran back into his pineapple and turned on his radio, which was tuned to a news alert. He steps into the shower as it plays.
Perch Perkins: Perch Perkins here, reporting live from the Sanderson residence, the scene of yet another set of gruesome murders. This along with somewhat different yet somewhat similar string of other murders has local law enforcement on edge. In a statement issued by the Bikini Bottom Police Department, Chief Al Priss says that "we have not yet come up with a nickname for this piece of barnacle, but we'll come up with something as more light (and blood) is shed on this sick individual." You are listening to KRUV, home of your favorite you-won't-be-getting-away-with-my-car hits!
"Hip To Be Square" by Huey Lewis & The News plays on the station.
Song: I used to be a renegade, I used to fool around But I couldn't take the punishment, and had to settle down
SpongeBob steps out of his shower and approaches the bathroom sink and mirror. He brushes his teeth thoroughly, rinses and repeats the process for his eyeballs.
"I start off every morning just washing every nightly thing away with a nice, warm shower. Then I go about cleaning up parts of my body that you can't normally get to in the shower, or at all. I use Fishpaste brand toothpaste for my everyday oral hygienics. I also find it to be rather useful in keeping your eyes less irritable and susceptible for redness."
Song: Now I'm playing it real straight, and yes I cut my hair
He takes out a razor and some shaving cream in order to shave the light shadow off his face. He then takes a pair of scissors in order to cut off a pimple that was on his nose before taking out a can of hair spray and spraying down a lone strand of hair on his head before cutting that off, as well.
"As an employee of the Krusty Krab, you're trained in keeping a neat, clean appearance in order to make yourself more, as Mr. Krabs would say, 'monetarily approachable' to the clientele or as we say we like to call them, 'the krustomers', or as Mr. K likes to call them, 'me money', or as my co-worker likes to call them, 'the bane of my existence', or as I like to call them, 'the robots'."
Song: You might think I'm crazy, but I don't even care Because I can tell what's going on
He then proceeds to pluck out all his eyelashes before reinserting new eyelashes in their place. He takes out some patented Sponge Gloss and smears it all over his body. The gloss settles in on his skin until it sparkles and glistens. He stares at himself blankly in the mirror before taking out a bottle of prescription "happy pills" from the medicine cabinet and downs a couple with some water before smiling real wide at himself in the the mirror.
"I take extra care in removing every last eyelash wish I have on the daily before carefully replacing it with new ones since Patrick borrowed my mascara and hasn't returned it since. I discovered this great gloss that really helps bring out some nice, needed and added sheen on an otherwise porous and absorbent body such as mine. After all at the Krusty Krab, cleanliness is next to krustiness."
Song: It's hip to be square!
SpongeBob trots his way downstairs in his underwear to the kitchen where he prepares a bowl of ice cream for breakfast. He looks through his freezer, sifting past the disembodied realistic fish head inside. He is disappointed to find that he has no ice cream but goes about squirting some ketchup into the bowl and some chopped onions.
Song: I like my bands in business suits, I watch them on TV I'm working out most everyday and watching what I eat
SpongeBob: Now all it needs is just one more ingredient!
He looks into his food cabinet to find only a jar of peanuts and some cherries.
SpongeBob: Peanuts? Cherries? Boring.
He opens up his fridge and checks the meat drawer. He pulls a tongue out from it and shuts the fridge door.
SpongeBob: And the pickles are already underneath it! Can't forget those!
He takes it over to his bowl and proceeds to chop it into his 'ice cream', as well.
"I try and keep myself on a strict diet, being a fry cook means I'm around all sorts of greasy, fried foods. Being a cook, I also try to be a bit more creative with my meals. I try to experiment many new things. I find that tongues in general give off more flavoring and an overall better taste. Who knows, I might just come across my own secret formula one of these days."
Song: I know that it's crazy I know that it's nowhere But there is no denying that, it's hip to be square!
SpongeBob consumes his breakfast before hitting the weight room. A large poster saying "I ❤ PAIN" adorns the weight room as well as his top of the line stuffed animal weight set. He performs some stoutness exercises consisting of a weird combination of squats and jumping jacks.
SpongeBob: HUP! HOO! HUP! HOO! HUP! HOO! HUP! HOO!
He then gets on the bench and presses his stuffed animal barbell a whole one and a half times before curling two stuffed bear dumbbells at the same time. He slams the stuffed bears to the ground, squeaking as they make impact. He checks himself out in the mirror for a bit at his "results".
"I've set myself up a very rigorous workout regimen. A sponge must be his spongiest, after all. My stoutness exercises work the main core of my body exceedingly well, every part of my body just becomes that much more stronger each time I finish just those alone. My homemade, state of the art weight set is specially designed to push my body beyond its usual limits. For what it's worth, one a half is a new personal record for me."
Song: Its hip to be a square! Its hip to be a square! So hip to be a square!
SpongeBob finishes working up his daily drop of sweat. He then trots to his bedroom upstairs, running past and taking a moment to admire the awards he has in his awards closet. He digs through his closet and finds himself torn between which of his many identical pairs of square pants he shall wear today. After about ten minutes of decision making, he finally settles and slaps on a pair. He ties on his shoes and tie. He puts on a suit jacket and top hat that are similar to the ones Patrick was wearing, as well. He adjusts his cuff links as he stares blankly out out his bedroom window towards Squidward's house.
"After my body has been rigorously tested, I take some time out of my morning schedule to...admire all the awards that I have received for my achievements and contributions towards making Bikini Bottom a more better, wholesome place to live in. I like to think of myself as an upstanding citizen of society, but at the same time, I don't want to give anyone the impression that I'm all uptight and can't let loose. I can't simply be one over the other, so I try to mesh those two sides of me well together."
Song: It's not too hard to figure out, you see it everyday And those that were the farthest out have gone the other way You see them on the freeway, It don't look like a lot of fun But don't you try to fight it; "An idea who's time has come!"
"But I'm also well aware of people's opinions of me. I know my neighbor and co-worker hates my guts. I know my boating school teacher hates me just as much, possibly even more. I know my boss merely sees me as a means to make some easy excess cash. I know my best friend simply uses me majority of the time. I know my family uses me just as much, throwing their weight on me, all while keeping me on a tight leash, yet loose enough to keep me as far away from them as possible. The people of this town ::dolphin noise:: me out for help, but are easy to up and turn on me at a moments notice. And I just deal with it all with a smile."
Song: Don't tell me that I'm crazy! Don't tell me I'm nowhere! Take it from me!
SpongeBob's pupils widen as he continues staring at Squidward's house.
"There is an idea of a SpongeBob Squarepants, some kind of abstraction. But there is no real me. Only an entity, something illusory. And though I can hide my cold gaze, and you can shake my hand and feel a spongy substance gripping yours and maybe you can even sense our lifestyles are probably comparable... I simply am not there."
Song: It's hip to be a square!
"But perhaps I'm getting a bit too ahead of myself."
His eyes dilate back to normal and a smile curls upon his face before heading out the door.
Song: Here, There, and everywhere! Hip, Hip, so hip to be a square! Here, There, and everywhere!Hip Hip! Here, There, and everywhere! Hip, Hip, so hip to be a square! Here, There, and everywhere! Hip Hip!
