Welcome back to PART 15 of my fanmade SpongeBob Shorts! After a change of plans (I'm sorry Patchy), we're back with three new shorts featuring the whimsical wonders of Bikini Bottom! Starting with this set, I'll try to release a new set of shorts in the first week of every month. I'll be busy again once school starts in a few weeks, but I've been writing as much as I can so I can continue regularly posting shorts here.
As usual, if you want to check out ALL 45 of my shorts, just simply click on THIS LINK to view the full collection!
In "One Krabby Morning," Mr. Krabs discovers a familiar name in the newest issue of the Bikini Bottom News. In "The Rise and Fall of Man Ray," we take a look into the depressing post-retirement life of our favorite aquatic supervillain, Man Ray. And finally, in "Philosophical Pat," Patrick decides to become a philosopher, much to Squidward's annoyance.
I hope you enjoy this return of my SB Shorts!
43. One Krabby Morning
with Mr. Krabs and Pearl
[It's another morning in Bikini Bottom, and the sun is seen rising behind Mr. Krabs's anchor house]
[Mr. Krabs is seen sitting in the kitchen drinking coffee and reading a copy of the Bikini Bottom News]
Mr. Krabs (flipping through the pages): Alright… let's see what's happening 'round town today…
[Mr. Krabs flips a page in the newspaper]
Mr. Krabs: "Sea Chicken Shack finally closed after eleventy-seven health code violations…" (sarcastically) As if I didn't see that coming from a nautical mile away.
[Mr. Krabs flips another page in the newspaper]
Mr. Krabs: "Five thousand boxes of Kelpo cereal recalled after chum contamination…" Looks like that dirty ol' Plankton is up to no good again. I'm gonna have to remind Pearl to scare 'em extra hard next time.
[Mr. Krabs flips a third page in the newspaper]
Mr. Krabs: "Barg 'n' Mart workers unionize and protest for higher wages…" Ugh, not that u-word again. Fortunately, that'll never happen to me good employees!
[Mr. Krabs takes a huge gulp of his coffee just as Pearl walks downstairs with her backpack on]
Pearl: Bye Dad! I'm off to school!
[Mr. Krabs continues looking at the newspaper and completely ignores Pearl walking past him]
Pearl (angry): DAD! I SAID I'M OFF TO SCHOOL!
[Mr. Krabs suddenly looks up from his newspaper, and he sees Pearl glaring at him]
Mr. Krabs: Oh… Sorry Pearl… Good luck at school! And make sure you don't hit anyone in the school parking lot this time!
Pearl: Come on, Dad, that was six months ago! Forget about it!
[Pearl walks out the front door, slamming the door shut behind her with a loud BANG]
Mr. Krabs (taking another sip of coffee): Wow, she's not usually this angry with me. She must've been rejected by Billy Fishkins again. I truly feel sorry for that kid.
[Mr. Krabs takes another sip of coffee as he hears Pearl driving off into the distance]
Mr. Krabs: Anyways, now time for me favorite part of the newspaper– the "joke of the day."
[Mr. Krabs continues flipping pages until he reaches the "joke of the day"]
Bikini Bottom Joke of the Day (August 16, 2024):
Q: "What's porous, obnoxious, and has a very annoying laugh?"
A: "My neighbor SpongeBob."
(P.S. SpongeBob, if you ever see this, give me back my toothbrush. It's been three days!)
–Submitted by Squidward T.
Mr. Krabs (unimpressed): Wow, that's certainly a barnacle of a joke. Whoever wrote that must be the most boring fish in the sea. Now surely the advice column must be more well written, right?
[Mr. Krabs continues flipping pages until he reaches the advice column]
Bikini Bottom Advice
by Squidward T.
Q: I want to find a quiet space for me to blow bubbles in peace, but my neighbor keeps on playing his clarinet! BADLY! And whenever I kindly go and ask him to stop, he just gives me a dirty look and tells me to get out of his bathroom. What should I do?
- Submitted by Patrick S.
A: For starters, you should be more considerate of others. The world does not revolve around you and your immature bubble-blowing; other (and more sophisticated) people should be able to freely indulge in their own hobbies as well. I suggest that you either move far, far away from here, or you actually find a meaningful hobby of your own to enjoy. Preferably the former.
(P.S. Patrick, if you ever see this, tell SpongeBob to give me back my toothbrush.)
Mr. Krabs (even more unimpressed): I gotta say, the quality of the Bikini Bottom News has really gone down lately. Perhaps I should tell Squidward about it. I bet he'd be just as angry at whoever's making these lame jokes as well.
[Mr. Krabs finishes the last of his coffee and throws his newspaper aside]
Mr. Krabs: Oh well, time for another busy money-makin' day at the Krusty Krab!
[Mr. Krabs hops out of his chair, walks out the door, and heads off to work]
THE END
--
44. The Rise and Fall of Man Ray
with Man Ray
special guests: Jumbo Shrimp, Atomic Flounder, Hoodoo Guru, Sinister Slug, The Directors
ONE DAY, IN BIKINI BOTTOM…
French Narrator: Ahh, welcome to the H.O.O.P.L.A. retirement home, where all the once-great undersea supervillains go to retire.
[A black house with red windows is shown, with a wooden sign in front of it saying "House of Old, Once Powerful Leaders and Antagonists"]
French Narrator: Here you'll find the infamous Jumbo Shrimp, living his dream as a crochet connoisseur.
[Jumbo Shrimp is seen surrounded by hundreds of blankets and quilts while knitting another blanket]
French Narrator: And you'll also find the dastardly Atomic Flounder, taking his dementia pills.
[Atomic Flounder is seen with a bottle of prescription medicine and a glass of water]
French Narrator: And then there's the wicked Sinister Slug, playing an exciting round of shuffleboarding with the diabolical Hoodoo Guru.
[The Sinister Slug and Hoodoo Guru are seen shuffleboarding, and Hoodoo Guru slides the disc into the "10" spot]
Hoodoo Guru: Aha! I win again, Sinister Slug! That makes it 2,841 days in a row!
Sinister Slug: Darn it! How are you always so good?
Hoodoo Guru: Hey, it isn't my fault that you don't have arms!
[Sinister Slug spits slime into Hoodoo Guru's face in anger]
French Narrator: But the star of today's short lies in the treacherous depths of Room 13…
[The camera shows the door of Room 13, with a sign holding "M. Ray" on it]
French Narrator: That's right– Man Ray, perhaps the scariest yet the most washed-up former supervillain of them all. And as the saying goes, you either die a hero, or live long enough to become a villain. And you either die a villain, or live long enough to become an overweight glutton. Now let's take a look into what Man Ray's life looks like today, shall we?
[The door to Room 13 opens, revealing an overweight Man Ray sitting on the couch drinking soda and watching soap operas on the TV]
Man Ray (watching TV): *yawn* I think it's time I order another pizza.
[Man Ray slowly reaches over to a nearby shellphone, picks it up, and dials some numbers]
Man Ray (on the phone): Hello… Yeah, let me get a large double olive… mhm… yes… Wait, what do you mean you're out of olives? No!... Fine then… make it double sea onions instead…
[Man Ray continues talking on the phone when suddenly his eyes glow red]
Man Ray (angry, on the phone): Wait… WHAT? You're out of sea onions too? How?... What kind of bottom-feeding pizza establishment is this?... Curse you, Mario!
[Man Ray slams down the phone in anger]
Man Ray: Darn it! I've ordered 2,841 pizzas from Mario's already, and of course they just have to run out of toppings when I need them the most! Ugh, can my life as a retired supervillain get ANY HARDER?
[Man Ray slowly gets up from the couch, and kicks away some empty soda cans on the ground]
Man Ray (getting up): Now I suppose it wouldn't hurt to crack open another Diet Dr. Kelp…
[Man Ray is seen slowly shuffling towards the fridge when all of a sudden…]
DING-DONG!
[The doorbell rings, and Man Ray instantly starts to frown]
Man Ray (muttering): Ugh, not again… I swear, if it's one of those Neptune worshippers handing out pamphlets again… I'm gonna…
[Man Ray slowly shuffles his way to the door when again…]
DING-DONG!
[The doorbell rings again, and Man Ray's eyes glow even redder]
Man Ray (yelling): I'M COMING! BE PATIENT, YOU KELP-FOR-BRAINS!
[Man Ray goes up to the door and opens it, revealing three fish in suits]
Director Dave: Hello there, sir! You must be Man Ray.
Man Ray: Yes, *burp* it's me. Now what do you want?
Director Dave: Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Director Dave from the Bikini Bottom Movie Studios, and I want you to star in our latest movie!
[Man Ray's eyes light up again, this time in amazement]
Man Ray: You want me? Are you sure you have the right person?
Director Dave: We're very sure it's you, Man Ray! We've heard about all of the exciting heists and daring crimes you've committed in the past, and we're sure that you're the perfect man to fit this role!
[One of Director Dave's sidekicks goes up to Man Ray]
Director Dan: And not to mention the millions of dollars you'll be making!
[Another one of Director Dave's sidekicks goes up to Man Ray]
Director Darry: And not to mention the complimentary weight-loss classes that you can enroll in! Yeesh, I can really see those belly folds of yours, Mr. Ray!
[Man Ray notices Director Darry staring directly at his belly folds, and punches him far away with a loud SMACK]
Director Dave: So, Man Ray, what do you say? Are you ready to revive your career and walk the red carpets of Kelpywood?
[Man Ray looks at Director Dave with a confused expression and scratches his "head"]
Man Ray: Well… I'm not sure. What's the movie about, anyway?
Director Dave: Oh, it's just a simple little documentary about your life story and how you went from being the world's most fearsome supervillain to… whatever filthy slob you are right now. I call it, The Rise and Fall of Man Ray!
[Director Darry slowly walks back up to Man Ray with a black eye]
Director Darry: Yeah! We already wrote a script for the scene where you're talking about those post-retirement belly folds of yours! Trust me, everyone loves a story about a tragic fall from gra–
SLAM
[Man Ray immediately slams the door shut on the three directors and walks back into his room]
Man Ray (sadly walking back to his couch): Oh, where did I go wrong… oh where…
[Man Ray walks by a bookshelf on the wall, but he stops and turns back around]
Man Ray: Are my days of being a scary supervillain finally over?
[Man Ray picks up a dusty picture frame, blows the dust off, and looks at the picture of his younger self equipped with his ray gun and his power glove]
Man Ray (looking at the picture solemnly): Look at yourself, Man Ray… Look at how intimidating, how powerful, how invincible you used to be… How many banks you robbed… How many battles you won… And look at yourself now… You lazy buffoon… You can't even be bothered to leave your room… How did it end? Where do we go now?
[Man Ray takes a long, deep, robotic sigh, and then places the picture back onto the bookshelf]
Man Ray: I guess a lot can change in twenty years…
[Man Ray stands in tense silence facing the picture]
[more silence]
[even more silence]
Man Ray (suddenly calm again): Well, now that that's over, I guess it's time for another refreshing can of Diet Dr. Kelp! I can already smell the sweet kelpy goodness!
[Man Ray forgets everything he has said and slowly trudges back over to the fridge, without a thought in his mind, as happy as he can be…]
THE END
--
45. Philosophical Pat
with Patrick and Squidward
ONE MORNING IN BIKINI BOTTOM…
[Squidward is seen leaving his house and walking to work when he suddenly stops]
[He notices Patrick sitting on top of his rock in a "thinking" pose]
Squidward: Patrick, what are you doing up there? Just sitting out here in silence?
Patrick: Be quiet, Squidward! I'm in the middle of thinking.
Squidward: Thinking? About what? Your next Goofy Goober ice cream order?
[Squidward giggles to himself, but Patrick glares down at him, which causes him to quiet down]
Patrick: You ever heard of Aristartle, Squidward? The great philosopher sea star who said a lot of smart things? Well today I've decided that I'm to be a philosopher too!
Squidward (sarcastically): Mhm. And how exactly are you going to do that, genius?
Patrick: I'm just going to sit here on top of my rock until I think of something smart, then I will tell everyone about it! And then I'll become the smartest starfish in the sea!
Squidward: Ah, Patrick, you surely have some big dreams. But you don't even have a fraction of the smartness that Aristartle had. I bet you don't even know what 2 plus 2 equals! (more giggling)
Patrick: Oh that's easy! 2 plus 2 equals 5! Wait… no… 6! Wait… 7! 24! 42! 329! Hold on… If I have two ice creams and SpongeBob has two more ice creams… then how many do I have?... Enough to get me full! Hooray! Hey Squidward, what's your favorite ice cream flavor?
Squidward (sarcastically): Just keep on thinking, Patrick. Your genius is really showing.
Patrick (covering his pants): Where?
[Squidward facepalms and continues walking to work]
LATER THAT DAY…
[Squidward returns from work when he finds Patrick still sitting on his roof in the same position as before]
Squidward: So, Patrick Aristartle, it's been nine hours. Surely you've come up with something smart by now, right?
Patrick: Yes! Come close, Squidward, because I'm about to blow your mind!
Squidward (sarcastically): Oh wow, really? Let me hear it!
[Squidward walks up to Patrick's rock and leans in next to him]
Patrick: Squidward… I discovered that… wait for it… here it comes… I discovered that a triangle has three sides!
[Squidward facepalms again, this time harder and slower than before]
Squidward (shaking his head): Patrick, that's a fact. Everybody knows that a triangle has three sides! It's common sense!
Patrick (crossing his arms): Oh yeah? Well I don't think so! Squidward, I'd like you to prove it!
[Squidward facepalms for a third time, this time even harder and slower than before]
Squidward: Fine. Patrick, do you see that fish over there?
[Squidward points to Flats the Flounder, who is walking down the street nearby]
Patrick (crossing his arms): Yes I do. And?
Squidward (counting the sides): Do you notice the shape that his head and his body makes? That makes a triangle! One… two… three! See? A triangle has three sides! Now keep trying!
[Squidward walks back to his house as Patrick is left flabbergasted]
Patrick (yelling to Squidward): I'll prove you, Squidward! I'll prove to you that I am a natural born philosopher! Aristartle, here I come!
[Patrick raises his fist towards Squidward, then he goes back to his "thinking position"]
THE NEXT MORNING…
[The sun is rising and Squidward is seen walking out the door for another day of work]
[Squidward notices Patrick still sitting firmly on top of his rock, and draws in a long, deep breath]
Squidward (to himself): As moronic as he is, I'll admit that he's got some commitment.
[Squidward walks back over to Patrick, who is staring straight ahead and doesn't notice him]
Squidward: Patrick.
[Patrick does not see or hear Squidward at all]
Squidward: Patrick!
[Patrick remains completely still and continues ignoring Squidward]
Squidward: PATRICK!
Patrick (noticing Squidward): GAAAAAAAH! Fish paste! Squidward, you startled me! I was just about to come up with something really smart, and you just messed everything up!
[Squidward facepalms again, even harder than any time he had facepalmed before]
Squidward: Patrick, have you been sitting out here all night thinking?
Patrick: Of course I have! Did you know that Aristartle sat on a rock for a month before he wrote his book with all of his smart sayings and stories? If that worked for him, then it'll certainly work for me too!
[Squidward goes up to Patrick, and looks at him in the eyes]
Squidward: Patrick, you're gonna have to listen to me. You can't be smart just by sitting outside and thinking! Smartness comes from learning! Practicing! Failing and succeeding thousands of times! Now please, Patrick, do me a favor and get off your rock and do something useful for once! Here!
[Squidward pulls out a House Fancy magazine from his pocket, and hands it to Patrick]
Squidward: Every high-brow intellectual I know reads House Fancy. You'll learn more from just reading one page of this magazine than thinking your stupid thoughts for a year straight!
[Patrick takes the House Fancy magazine and looks at Squidward with a confused expression]
Squidward: Now I'm going to leave for work for the day, and when I come back, I hope you memorize every single specific architectural style used by the Atlantean people in the late 1700s! That'll finally give you some purpose in life.
[Squidward looks at Patrick again, then turns around and walks towards the Krusty Krab]
Patrick: "Purpose?" Hmm…
[Patrick opens the first page of House Fancy and starts reading it]
LATER THAT DAY…
[Squidward returns from work when he finds Patrick still sitting on his roof reading the House Fancy magazine]
Squidward: So, Patrick, have you memorized every single–
Patrick: Why yes I have, Squidward! The Atlantean people adopted the Neptunian-Classic architectural style by the 1760s, as evidenced by the carefully chiseled spiral designs on pillars and the façades of royal palaces. However, by the 1780s, the Atlantean architectural pioneer Arthur L. Antis devised a conceptual form of what we retrospectively refer as "Atlantean nouveau." This dramatic and grandiose new architectural style is heavily characterized by its delicate use of white marble, subtly invoking the tones of royalty and elegance, particularly when the Atlantean Royal Palace was erected between late 1793 and early 1795. Despite the drastic developments pertaining to the architectural evolution for the Atlantean bourgeoisie, the lower classes of Atlantean society continued to utilize the more traditional Tritonian-Classic architectural style well into the mid-1800s. As for myself, I personally draw sympathies towards the Neptunian-Classic style, largely due to the numerous invaluable contributions the style added towards the rapid flourishing of Atlantean monument construction until 1791. Et tu, Squidward?
[Squidward is completely and utterly perplexed by Patrick's explanation, and he breaks apart into a hundred pieces with a loud SHATTER]
Patrick: Ahh, Squidward, I observe that perhaps my elegant rhetoric has taken a toll on your composition. How about we further discuss these matters at Goofy Goober's? I'll buy five ice creams in total– two for you, and two for me.
[Squidward's shattered face is seen on the ground, and his mouth slowly transforms into a smile]
THE END
--
That's all, folks! Stay tuned for Part 16, coming out in early September 2024. As usual, thank you for reading, and have a spongy day!
As usual, if you want to check out ALL 45 of my shorts, just simply click on THIS LINK to view the full collection!
In "One Krabby Morning," Mr. Krabs discovers a familiar name in the newest issue of the Bikini Bottom News. In "The Rise and Fall of Man Ray," we take a look into the depressing post-retirement life of our favorite aquatic supervillain, Man Ray. And finally, in "Philosophical Pat," Patrick decides to become a philosopher, much to Squidward's annoyance.
I hope you enjoy this return of my SB Shorts!
43. One Krabby Morning
with Mr. Krabs and Pearl
[It's another morning in Bikini Bottom, and the sun is seen rising behind Mr. Krabs's anchor house]
[Mr. Krabs is seen sitting in the kitchen drinking coffee and reading a copy of the Bikini Bottom News]
Mr. Krabs (flipping through the pages): Alright… let's see what's happening 'round town today…
[Mr. Krabs flips a page in the newspaper]
Mr. Krabs: "Sea Chicken Shack finally closed after eleventy-seven health code violations…" (sarcastically) As if I didn't see that coming from a nautical mile away.
[Mr. Krabs flips another page in the newspaper]
Mr. Krabs: "Five thousand boxes of Kelpo cereal recalled after chum contamination…" Looks like that dirty ol' Plankton is up to no good again. I'm gonna have to remind Pearl to scare 'em extra hard next time.
[Mr. Krabs flips a third page in the newspaper]
Mr. Krabs: "Barg 'n' Mart workers unionize and protest for higher wages…" Ugh, not that u-word again. Fortunately, that'll never happen to me good employees!
[Mr. Krabs takes a huge gulp of his coffee just as Pearl walks downstairs with her backpack on]
Pearl: Bye Dad! I'm off to school!
[Mr. Krabs continues looking at the newspaper and completely ignores Pearl walking past him]
Pearl (angry): DAD! I SAID I'M OFF TO SCHOOL!
[Mr. Krabs suddenly looks up from his newspaper, and he sees Pearl glaring at him]
Mr. Krabs: Oh… Sorry Pearl… Good luck at school! And make sure you don't hit anyone in the school parking lot this time!
Pearl: Come on, Dad, that was six months ago! Forget about it!
[Pearl walks out the front door, slamming the door shut behind her with a loud BANG]
Mr. Krabs (taking another sip of coffee): Wow, she's not usually this angry with me. She must've been rejected by Billy Fishkins again. I truly feel sorry for that kid.
[Mr. Krabs takes another sip of coffee as he hears Pearl driving off into the distance]
Mr. Krabs: Anyways, now time for me favorite part of the newspaper– the "joke of the day."
[Mr. Krabs continues flipping pages until he reaches the "joke of the day"]
Bikini Bottom Joke of the Day (August 16, 2024):
Q: "What's porous, obnoxious, and has a very annoying laugh?"
A: "My neighbor SpongeBob."
(P.S. SpongeBob, if you ever see this, give me back my toothbrush. It's been three days!)
–Submitted by Squidward T.
Mr. Krabs (unimpressed): Wow, that's certainly a barnacle of a joke. Whoever wrote that must be the most boring fish in the sea. Now surely the advice column must be more well written, right?
[Mr. Krabs continues flipping pages until he reaches the advice column]
Bikini Bottom Advice
by Squidward T.
Q: I want to find a quiet space for me to blow bubbles in peace, but my neighbor keeps on playing his clarinet! BADLY! And whenever I kindly go and ask him to stop, he just gives me a dirty look and tells me to get out of his bathroom. What should I do?
- Submitted by Patrick S.
A: For starters, you should be more considerate of others. The world does not revolve around you and your immature bubble-blowing; other (and more sophisticated) people should be able to freely indulge in their own hobbies as well. I suggest that you either move far, far away from here, or you actually find a meaningful hobby of your own to enjoy. Preferably the former.
(P.S. Patrick, if you ever see this, tell SpongeBob to give me back my toothbrush.)
Mr. Krabs (even more unimpressed): I gotta say, the quality of the Bikini Bottom News has really gone down lately. Perhaps I should tell Squidward about it. I bet he'd be just as angry at whoever's making these lame jokes as well.
[Mr. Krabs finishes the last of his coffee and throws his newspaper aside]
Mr. Krabs: Oh well, time for another busy money-makin' day at the Krusty Krab!
[Mr. Krabs hops out of his chair, walks out the door, and heads off to work]
THE END
--
44. The Rise and Fall of Man Ray
with Man Ray
special guests: Jumbo Shrimp, Atomic Flounder, Hoodoo Guru, Sinister Slug, The Directors
ONE DAY, IN BIKINI BOTTOM…
French Narrator: Ahh, welcome to the H.O.O.P.L.A. retirement home, where all the once-great undersea supervillains go to retire.
[A black house with red windows is shown, with a wooden sign in front of it saying "House of Old, Once Powerful Leaders and Antagonists"]
French Narrator: Here you'll find the infamous Jumbo Shrimp, living his dream as a crochet connoisseur.
[Jumbo Shrimp is seen surrounded by hundreds of blankets and quilts while knitting another blanket]
French Narrator: And you'll also find the dastardly Atomic Flounder, taking his dementia pills.
[Atomic Flounder is seen with a bottle of prescription medicine and a glass of water]
French Narrator: And then there's the wicked Sinister Slug, playing an exciting round of shuffleboarding with the diabolical Hoodoo Guru.
[The Sinister Slug and Hoodoo Guru are seen shuffleboarding, and Hoodoo Guru slides the disc into the "10" spot]
Hoodoo Guru: Aha! I win again, Sinister Slug! That makes it 2,841 days in a row!
Sinister Slug: Darn it! How are you always so good?
Hoodoo Guru: Hey, it isn't my fault that you don't have arms!
[Sinister Slug spits slime into Hoodoo Guru's face in anger]
French Narrator: But the star of today's short lies in the treacherous depths of Room 13…
[The camera shows the door of Room 13, with a sign holding "M. Ray" on it]
French Narrator: That's right– Man Ray, perhaps the scariest yet the most washed-up former supervillain of them all. And as the saying goes, you either die a hero, or live long enough to become a villain. And you either die a villain, or live long enough to become an overweight glutton. Now let's take a look into what Man Ray's life looks like today, shall we?
[The door to Room 13 opens, revealing an overweight Man Ray sitting on the couch drinking soda and watching soap operas on the TV]
Man Ray (watching TV): *yawn* I think it's time I order another pizza.
[Man Ray slowly reaches over to a nearby shellphone, picks it up, and dials some numbers]
Man Ray (on the phone): Hello… Yeah, let me get a large double olive… mhm… yes… Wait, what do you mean you're out of olives? No!... Fine then… make it double sea onions instead…
[Man Ray continues talking on the phone when suddenly his eyes glow red]
Man Ray (angry, on the phone): Wait… WHAT? You're out of sea onions too? How?... What kind of bottom-feeding pizza establishment is this?... Curse you, Mario!
[Man Ray slams down the phone in anger]
Man Ray: Darn it! I've ordered 2,841 pizzas from Mario's already, and of course they just have to run out of toppings when I need them the most! Ugh, can my life as a retired supervillain get ANY HARDER?
[Man Ray slowly gets up from the couch, and kicks away some empty soda cans on the ground]
Man Ray (getting up): Now I suppose it wouldn't hurt to crack open another Diet Dr. Kelp…
[Man Ray is seen slowly shuffling towards the fridge when all of a sudden…]
DING-DONG!
[The doorbell rings, and Man Ray instantly starts to frown]
Man Ray (muttering): Ugh, not again… I swear, if it's one of those Neptune worshippers handing out pamphlets again… I'm gonna…
[Man Ray slowly shuffles his way to the door when again…]
DING-DONG!
[The doorbell rings again, and Man Ray's eyes glow even redder]
Man Ray (yelling): I'M COMING! BE PATIENT, YOU KELP-FOR-BRAINS!
[Man Ray goes up to the door and opens it, revealing three fish in suits]
Director Dave: Hello there, sir! You must be Man Ray.
Man Ray: Yes, *burp* it's me. Now what do you want?
Director Dave: Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Director Dave from the Bikini Bottom Movie Studios, and I want you to star in our latest movie!
[Man Ray's eyes light up again, this time in amazement]
Man Ray: You want me? Are you sure you have the right person?
Director Dave: We're very sure it's you, Man Ray! We've heard about all of the exciting heists and daring crimes you've committed in the past, and we're sure that you're the perfect man to fit this role!
[One of Director Dave's sidekicks goes up to Man Ray]
Director Dan: And not to mention the millions of dollars you'll be making!
[Another one of Director Dave's sidekicks goes up to Man Ray]
Director Darry: And not to mention the complimentary weight-loss classes that you can enroll in! Yeesh, I can really see those belly folds of yours, Mr. Ray!
[Man Ray notices Director Darry staring directly at his belly folds, and punches him far away with a loud SMACK]
Director Dave: So, Man Ray, what do you say? Are you ready to revive your career and walk the red carpets of Kelpywood?
[Man Ray looks at Director Dave with a confused expression and scratches his "head"]
Man Ray: Well… I'm not sure. What's the movie about, anyway?
Director Dave: Oh, it's just a simple little documentary about your life story and how you went from being the world's most fearsome supervillain to… whatever filthy slob you are right now. I call it, The Rise and Fall of Man Ray!
[Director Darry slowly walks back up to Man Ray with a black eye]
Director Darry: Yeah! We already wrote a script for the scene where you're talking about those post-retirement belly folds of yours! Trust me, everyone loves a story about a tragic fall from gra–
SLAM
[Man Ray immediately slams the door shut on the three directors and walks back into his room]
Man Ray (sadly walking back to his couch): Oh, where did I go wrong… oh where…
[Man Ray walks by a bookshelf on the wall, but he stops and turns back around]
Man Ray: Are my days of being a scary supervillain finally over?
[Man Ray picks up a dusty picture frame, blows the dust off, and looks at the picture of his younger self equipped with his ray gun and his power glove]
Man Ray (looking at the picture solemnly): Look at yourself, Man Ray… Look at how intimidating, how powerful, how invincible you used to be… How many banks you robbed… How many battles you won… And look at yourself now… You lazy buffoon… You can't even be bothered to leave your room… How did it end? Where do we go now?
[Man Ray takes a long, deep, robotic sigh, and then places the picture back onto the bookshelf]
Man Ray: I guess a lot can change in twenty years…
[Man Ray stands in tense silence facing the picture]
[more silence]
[even more silence]
Man Ray (suddenly calm again): Well, now that that's over, I guess it's time for another refreshing can of Diet Dr. Kelp! I can already smell the sweet kelpy goodness!
[Man Ray forgets everything he has said and slowly trudges back over to the fridge, without a thought in his mind, as happy as he can be…]
THE END
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45. Philosophical Pat
with Patrick and Squidward
ONE MORNING IN BIKINI BOTTOM…
[Squidward is seen leaving his house and walking to work when he suddenly stops]
[He notices Patrick sitting on top of his rock in a "thinking" pose]
Squidward: Patrick, what are you doing up there? Just sitting out here in silence?
Patrick: Be quiet, Squidward! I'm in the middle of thinking.
Squidward: Thinking? About what? Your next Goofy Goober ice cream order?
[Squidward giggles to himself, but Patrick glares down at him, which causes him to quiet down]
Patrick: You ever heard of Aristartle, Squidward? The great philosopher sea star who said a lot of smart things? Well today I've decided that I'm to be a philosopher too!
Squidward (sarcastically): Mhm. And how exactly are you going to do that, genius?
Patrick: I'm just going to sit here on top of my rock until I think of something smart, then I will tell everyone about it! And then I'll become the smartest starfish in the sea!
Squidward: Ah, Patrick, you surely have some big dreams. But you don't even have a fraction of the smartness that Aristartle had. I bet you don't even know what 2 plus 2 equals! (more giggling)
Patrick: Oh that's easy! 2 plus 2 equals 5! Wait… no… 6! Wait… 7! 24! 42! 329! Hold on… If I have two ice creams and SpongeBob has two more ice creams… then how many do I have?... Enough to get me full! Hooray! Hey Squidward, what's your favorite ice cream flavor?
Squidward (sarcastically): Just keep on thinking, Patrick. Your genius is really showing.
Patrick (covering his pants): Where?
[Squidward facepalms and continues walking to work]
LATER THAT DAY…
[Squidward returns from work when he finds Patrick still sitting on his roof in the same position as before]
Squidward: So, Patrick Aristartle, it's been nine hours. Surely you've come up with something smart by now, right?
Patrick: Yes! Come close, Squidward, because I'm about to blow your mind!
Squidward (sarcastically): Oh wow, really? Let me hear it!
[Squidward walks up to Patrick's rock and leans in next to him]
Patrick: Squidward… I discovered that… wait for it… here it comes… I discovered that a triangle has three sides!
[Squidward facepalms again, this time harder and slower than before]
Squidward (shaking his head): Patrick, that's a fact. Everybody knows that a triangle has three sides! It's common sense!
Patrick (crossing his arms): Oh yeah? Well I don't think so! Squidward, I'd like you to prove it!
[Squidward facepalms for a third time, this time even harder and slower than before]
Squidward: Fine. Patrick, do you see that fish over there?
[Squidward points to Flats the Flounder, who is walking down the street nearby]
Patrick (crossing his arms): Yes I do. And?
Squidward (counting the sides): Do you notice the shape that his head and his body makes? That makes a triangle! One… two… three! See? A triangle has three sides! Now keep trying!
[Squidward walks back to his house as Patrick is left flabbergasted]
Patrick (yelling to Squidward): I'll prove you, Squidward! I'll prove to you that I am a natural born philosopher! Aristartle, here I come!
[Patrick raises his fist towards Squidward, then he goes back to his "thinking position"]
THE NEXT MORNING…
[The sun is rising and Squidward is seen walking out the door for another day of work]
[Squidward notices Patrick still sitting firmly on top of his rock, and draws in a long, deep breath]
Squidward (to himself): As moronic as he is, I'll admit that he's got some commitment.
[Squidward walks back over to Patrick, who is staring straight ahead and doesn't notice him]
Squidward: Patrick.
[Patrick does not see or hear Squidward at all]
Squidward: Patrick!
[Patrick remains completely still and continues ignoring Squidward]
Squidward: PATRICK!
Patrick (noticing Squidward): GAAAAAAAH! Fish paste! Squidward, you startled me! I was just about to come up with something really smart, and you just messed everything up!
[Squidward facepalms again, even harder than any time he had facepalmed before]
Squidward: Patrick, have you been sitting out here all night thinking?
Patrick: Of course I have! Did you know that Aristartle sat on a rock for a month before he wrote his book with all of his smart sayings and stories? If that worked for him, then it'll certainly work for me too!
[Squidward goes up to Patrick, and looks at him in the eyes]
Squidward: Patrick, you're gonna have to listen to me. You can't be smart just by sitting outside and thinking! Smartness comes from learning! Practicing! Failing and succeeding thousands of times! Now please, Patrick, do me a favor and get off your rock and do something useful for once! Here!
[Squidward pulls out a House Fancy magazine from his pocket, and hands it to Patrick]
Squidward: Every high-brow intellectual I know reads House Fancy. You'll learn more from just reading one page of this magazine than thinking your stupid thoughts for a year straight!
[Patrick takes the House Fancy magazine and looks at Squidward with a confused expression]
Squidward: Now I'm going to leave for work for the day, and when I come back, I hope you memorize every single specific architectural style used by the Atlantean people in the late 1700s! That'll finally give you some purpose in life.
[Squidward looks at Patrick again, then turns around and walks towards the Krusty Krab]
Patrick: "Purpose?" Hmm…
[Patrick opens the first page of House Fancy and starts reading it]
LATER THAT DAY…
[Squidward returns from work when he finds Patrick still sitting on his roof reading the House Fancy magazine]
Squidward: So, Patrick, have you memorized every single–
Patrick: Why yes I have, Squidward! The Atlantean people adopted the Neptunian-Classic architectural style by the 1760s, as evidenced by the carefully chiseled spiral designs on pillars and the façades of royal palaces. However, by the 1780s, the Atlantean architectural pioneer Arthur L. Antis devised a conceptual form of what we retrospectively refer as "Atlantean nouveau." This dramatic and grandiose new architectural style is heavily characterized by its delicate use of white marble, subtly invoking the tones of royalty and elegance, particularly when the Atlantean Royal Palace was erected between late 1793 and early 1795. Despite the drastic developments pertaining to the architectural evolution for the Atlantean bourgeoisie, the lower classes of Atlantean society continued to utilize the more traditional Tritonian-Classic architectural style well into the mid-1800s. As for myself, I personally draw sympathies towards the Neptunian-Classic style, largely due to the numerous invaluable contributions the style added towards the rapid flourishing of Atlantean monument construction until 1791. Et tu, Squidward?
[Squidward is completely and utterly perplexed by Patrick's explanation, and he breaks apart into a hundred pieces with a loud SHATTER]
Patrick: Ahh, Squidward, I observe that perhaps my elegant rhetoric has taken a toll on your composition. How about we further discuss these matters at Goofy Goober's? I'll buy five ice creams in total– two for you, and two for me.
[Squidward's shattered face is seen on the ground, and his mouth slowly transforms into a smile]
THE END
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That's all, folks! Stay tuned for Part 16, coming out in early September 2024. As usual, thank you for reading, and have a spongy day!
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