Tacomaster

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Greetings, bottom feeders! For the past few minutes, I have been hard at work trying to figure out the Krabby Patty secret formula, using clues throughout the series, articles on the SpongeBob wiki(luckily, there is no Poseidon Powder to be found), and even fake recipes(there is no Plankton or disulfide in my recipe, either) to create at least a rough outline for a Krabby Patty. But enough introduction, because it’s time for the moment you’ve been waiting for!


Secret Formula
  • Patty - These are generally vegetarian, as confirmed by both Stephen Hillenberg and Vincent Weller, but can also be beef(in Pickles, Bubble Bass orders ”bossy”, or beef, patties).
  • A Pinch of Salt - Salt is confirmed to be a part of the actual recipe, and the portion(a pinch) comes from the fake one.
  • Flour - Also confirmed as part of the recipe.
  • Barnacle Shavings - See flour. If I had to guess, the land equivalent of this would be potato skins, as evidenced by Chocolate with Nuts’ billboard for Barnacle Chips. There are other meals with barnacles in them(barnacle loaf and Swedish barnacle balls), but they are generally meat based, and as we know, there is no meat in a Krabby Patty(unless you ask for it, of course).
  • Tumeric - See flour.
  • 4 Teaspoons of Chopped Onions - From the fake recipe.
  • A Cup of Love - From the fake recipe, but love is also used in preparing the Krabby Patty and is implied to make them so good.
  • Spicy Coral Dust - This is where we get to straw grasping. In Friend or Foe, Mr. Krabs accidentally knocked seven seasonings into a vat of the prototypical Patty mixture, which resulted in the modern day Krabby Patty. (I made sure seven is also the number of ingredients in the formula, minus the Patty itself and the immeasurable love.) One of the bottles had an image of fire on it, implying it to be spicy, Coral dust, mentioned to be extra spicy, is mentioned in the fake recipe in Evil Spatula(although fire algae paste is mentioned, although that’s not specifically mentioned as spicy, and we only have seven herbs and spices to work with here). The land equivalent is chili powder.
  • Secret Ingredient - A pinch of chum. The ingredient is kept under wraps in Patty Caper, but in Friend or Foe, the recipe is revealed to have a pinch of chum in it. This would reveal why it’s so secret- nobody in Bikini Bottom would willingly eat chum. And while in real life, chum is made of chopped fish, in Bikini Bottom, chum is made of vegetarian ingredients and even has had multiple recipes, all of which are disgusting.
There’s also the Secret Sauce. If we go by the commercial in As Seen on TV, we can deduce by the missing ingredients normally on a patty that the sauce is...
  • Tomatoes/Ketchup
  • Mustard
  • Pickles/Pickle Relish
  • Mayonnaise
Most of these ingredients are also found in actual restaurant secret sauces(specifically, ketchup, relish, and mayonnaise). Speaking of which, after looking up various assembly methods and Patty pictures, I can infer the assembly goes like this...

First bun, then patty, followed by tartar sauce, ketchup, mustard, mayonnaise, cheese, pickles, onions, tomatoes, lettuce, secret sauce, and bun, in that order! Well... not exactly. The assembly varies from episode to episode, sometimes within the episode itself(looking at you, Pickles). Not to mention, patties can be made to order(extra onions, hold the mayonnaise, King Size Ultra Supreme with the works, double batter fried on a stick, Himalayan salt, smoked paprika, micro greens, aged Gouda, Double Triple Bossy Deluxe, four by four, animal style, extra shingles with a shimmy and a squeeze, light axle grease, make it cry, burn it, and let it swim). Not to mention this is just a rough outline and probably not the actual formula... Overall, we may never know the actual formula, but I feel a little better for having gotten a little closer. Feel free to experiment with this, have fun, and most importantly- do not forget the pickles.
 

Tacomaster

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For an encore, I have looked through a ton on diner and fast food lingo to decode Bubble Bass’s order! As you know, in Pickles, Bubble Bass ordered a double triple bossy deluxe on a raft, four by four, animal style, extra shingles with a shimmy and a squeeze, light axle great, make it cry, burn it, and let it swim... but what does that mean? Well...
  • Double means times two, obviously, and triple means times three. Six patties so far, which is a very big order, but hold on- it gets bigger.
  • Bossy means all beef, as previously established.
  • Deluxe does not in fact mean everything on it or all the condiments as some people think, but, in fact, means a raw onion slice, a tomato slice, some iceberg lettuce, and pickles(but of course). All of these things come standard with a normal Krabby Patty.
  • On a raft means toast. I’ve heard that it’s Texas toast in other recipes for the Bubble Bass Burger, but not in actual diner lingo,
  • Four by four, a popular item of the secret menu of In-N-Out Burger, means four beef patties and four slices of cheese. Since “by” can mean “times”, but not “plus”, and cheese is not mentioned, directly or otherwise, anywhere else in the recipe, I’ll assume that brings the patty total up to 24, with 4 slices of cheese. That’s one slice for every six patties.
  • Animal style, another secret menu item from In-N-Out, means mustard fried patties, pickles(yes, more pickles), grilled onions(alongside that raw onion slice from the deluxe portion), and extra spread(or secret sauce, as previously detailed).
  • A shingle with a shimmy is buttered toast with jelly, so EXTRA shingles with a shimmy and a squeeze means EXTRA toast with butter and jelly. This confirms the toast is buttered, which is the sole requirement for Texas toast at Zaxby’s(the only place I regularly eat “Texas toast”... it’s as thick as store bought bread and has no garlic. Still amazing though), so the toast could be Texas toast, as originally thought. Also, Jellyfish Hunter basically confirmed that jellyfish jelly(the only jelly in SpongeBob) on a burger is pure heaven, so Bubble Bass was kind of a visionary. Speaking of which, in Jellyfish Jam(the episode, not the food), a throwaway line from Squidward reveals the jelly to be strawberry flavored.
  • A squeeze, meanwhile, represents orange juice.
  • Axle grease means butter, but hold off on adding extra- the order specifies LIGHT axle grease, so probably not as much as you normally would put on toast. (What, was Bubble Bass trying to make this abomination healthier?)
  • Make it cry refers to- get this- extra onions. Bubble Bass appears to like onions more than he likes pickles.
  • “Burn it and let it swim” is an odd one. Most recipes assume “burn it” means well done and “let it swim” means either to go or, according to Nickelodeon. with extra sauce(which we already added with animal style). They’re all wrong, however, because “burn it and let it swim” actually means a FLOAT made with CHOCOLATE SYRUP and ICE CREAM on top. (It’s true, look it up.) Bubble Bass not only ordered a massive abomination of a sandwich, but he also ordered TWO DRINKS, as if he knew he wasn’t gonna get by with just one, For something more burger related, “burn one” means to put a hamburger on the grill. That... generally comes standard at the Krusty Krab, and it says nothing about being well done whatsoever.
To add insult to heart attack, what SpongeBob rang up looks nothing like Bubble Bass’s actual order. Given Squidward’s response to the order and the fact that Bubble Bass only complained about the pickles(which, oddly enough, SpongeBob actually got right, as part of the deluxe part of the order- the only part that was correct, by virtue of the supposedly deluxe Krabby Patties), we can assume nobody, not even SpongeBob, not even Bubble Bass, not even Nickelodeon themselves, knew what was actually being ordered.

TUNE IN MAYBE SOON WHEN I DECODE EVEN MORE OF THE KRUSTY KRAB MENU
 

Tacomaster

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P.S. Aw crap. On the original post, I forgot about barnacle rings. Well, in the fake recipe(which I failed to mention was from Plankton’s Army), onions were already mentioned, so the potato skin theory still stands. Also, there are two recipes for chum, and only one is vegetarian(no meat). The vegan recipe, if you must know, is an old sock, a banana peel, a bucket of trash, and a used napkin/tissue, and is made in a toilet. The non-vegan one is jellyfish “squeezings”(unknown if related to jellyfish jelly or honey), seahorse snout, whale blubber, and a sprinkle of anchor rust. If you’re making this burger in real life, just... go with chopped fish. It’s a lot more edible. Speaking of which, Bikini Bottom chum may or may not be present in the actually Patty formula(I’m just going by the wiki), and it is confirmed not to be made of fish(the article stating otherwise in The Krabby Chronicle was confirmed to be a lie). Also, it’s alive. Like, actually alive. It may not be made of meat(sometimes), but it’s alive and probably wants to kill you.
 
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