Back

Squid Plus One

(The episode opens at Squidward's house. Squidward sets up the table, takes out toast points from the oven and puts them on the table. Clams take his apron away, then the doorbell rings) Huh? (Growls angrily. He opens the door)
SpongeBob: Hey! Whatcha doing?
Squidward: I'm busy.
SpongeBob: How busy would you say you are on a scale of 8 to 9?
Squidward: 14!
SpongeBob: Squidward, I'm no mathematologist but that sounds like a lot.
Squidward: It is!
SpongeBob: Okay! Quick survey, are you "busy busy" or just busy?
Squidward: What's busy busy? (SpongeBob is going to answer but Squidward shuts his mouth) No no no! Don't tell me! Don't tell me! Don't tell me anything! Don't even tell me what you're doing here!
SpongeBob: I found a jump rope!
Squidward: (Yelling) I said not to tell me!!! You're ruining my perfect afternoon! I'm spending some quality time with someone who is very important to me.
SpongeBob: Oh! Who is the lu…
Squidward: (Slams the door before SpongeBob could finish his sentence. Sits on the sofa) Ah! Perfectly browned toast points, sparkling kelp juice (Holding a glass of kelp juice and looking at his reflection) Here's to me (The doorbell rings again) D'oh! That simpering buffoon!
Squidward's Reflection: You have a great vocabulary.
Squidward: I know.
Squidward's Reflection: Indubitably
Squidward: (Opens the door, thinking that it's SpongeBob, but it's Norton the mailman instead) Go away!!!
Norton: (Crying) Okay…. (Starts to go away. Squidward stops him)
Squidward: Wait. I thought you were some other idiot.
Norton: No. I guess I'm just (Hands an envelope to Squidward) this idiot
(Squidward takes the envelope. Norton excitedly waits for Squidward to open it. He opens it and reveals a map of Bikini Bottom) Why, it's beautiful!
Squidward: (Abruptly closes the card and reads the front) "You are cordially invited to the fanciest and shmansient artistic event of the season, the opening of Galleria Diptheria. Oh, I've heard of that! (Reading) Bikini Bottom's most exclusive fine art showcase. This invitation guarantees the admittance of Squidward Tentacles. Squidward Tentacles… pluzonay.
Norton: Ah, it's a plus one!
Squidward: (Bounces off, startled) What are you still doing here?
Norton: It's not pluzonay, it says "plus one"
Squidward: Plus one! Oh yeah, of course! Plus one! Sure. What's a plus one?
Norton: Well, when you get an invitation to a party, sometimes they put "plus one" on it to tell you it's okay to bring along a friend.
Squidward: Do you have to do it?
Norton: Well no, you could go alone. It's just that everyone would laugh at you cause they think you were a friendless loser.
Squidward: What!? Do you want me to call your supervisor and tell him you're just standing around? (Norton leaves sniffling. Squidward opens the card)
Squidward's Reflection: You need to find a friend to take you as your plus one.
SpongeBob: Somebody like me? I like openings!
Squidward: No! Not like you! (Slams the door on SpongeBob's face)
SpongeBob: Come on jump rope, I guess it's just you and me (Puts the jump rope in his ear and leaves)
Squidward: (Takes a rolodex) Let's see here. Friends… (Coughs as the rolodex is all dusty) Ah, friends… friends (Looks for a phone number to call. He finds a number, but it is made of bug, which run off the rolodex) Mmh… yeah. I wonder if I still have the receipt for this thing. No big deal, anybody can make a friend by (Unfolds the invitation) TONIGHT!? Let's see, there must be someone. Who's a real part of your life Squidward? Who do you see every single day? Who do you know like the back of your suction cups? (Hears SpongeBob laughing while he's playing with the jump rope) But of course! It's so simple! (Runs to SpongeBob) Hey, SpongeBob, I have something to ask you.
SpongeBob: Of course I'll go at the opening with you!
Squidward: That wasn't the question! Which way did the mailman go?
SpongeBob: Oh. He said he had a package for the widow Duncan. I think he… (Squidward runs to see the mailman. SpongeBob leaves, disappointed. Cut to the widow Duncan's house)
Norton: And then you just initial it there and we're all set.
Squidward: There you are!
Norton: (Protects himself with the package) Not in the face!
Squidward: What? What do you… uh. You always were a big kidder uh? Mailman… guy.
Norton: Actually I'm not a kidder. I'm much more of an introvert (Protects himself again)
Squidward: I love introverts! Why… (While on the top of Norton's head) I'm an introvert!!! (A crowd cheers Squidward and then leaves)
Norton: You are?
Squidward: (Jumps off from Norton's head) Say. I bet we have a lot in common.
Norton: Oh, gee, I don't know. I'm just a regular guy. When I'm not being a mailman I love to go to fancy art galleries.
Squidward: That's me!
Norton: And eating delicious food.
Squidward: Oh, delicious food is my favorite kind of food, especially when that delicious food is something that you can-
Squidward and Norton: Spread on a toast point! (Laugh)
Squidward: Once you've had pointed toast you just never want any other kind.
Norton: Right. And if there is one thing I hate, it's…
Squidward: SpongeBob!
Norton: Clarinets!
Squidward: Yeah, I know it… what?
Norton: I mean, what kind of maniac could enjoy the sound of a clarinet? That squeaky, hollow, kind of piercing howl from the very pits of Gehenna. Only a deluded blowhard with nothing to lose could pick up a, ugh, clarinet and think "Yeah, this is from me! Let me inflict pain on the world!" am I right buddy?(Notices that Squidward is already gone) Buddy? (Hits himself three times) Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Why are you so darn opinionated Norton? All you do with your searing and admirable honesty is drive everyone away. When's Norton's time… (Yelling) When's Norton's time to shine!!???
Widow Duncan: Oh Norton, I've always taken a shine to you. (Winks to Norton and her teeth almost fall off. Norton puts her teeth back and runs away. Cut to Squidward on the street)
Squidward: (To an empty tin can) You think you know a guy? Oh, who are you kidding? It's not in the cards for you. I bet not even this old tin can would be my friend.
SpongeBob: (From the tin can) I'll be your friend
Squidward: (Grabs the tin can) Who is this?
SpongeBob: (From another tin can) It's me, SpongeBob.
Squidward: (Sees "Protein Powder" written on the can) SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: Yes? I'm still here.
Squidward: I need to ask you something important.
SpongeBob: You don't have to ask me three times! (Rips his pants off, revealing a tux)
Squidward: Would you tell Larry I wanna talk with him? (Runs off)
SpongeBob: Oh… (Uses the two tin cans as a jump rope) Okie-dok. (Cut to Larry doing some exercise when Squidward arrives)
Larry: So, Squidward! Whatch'you want to talk about?
Squidward: Well, it's kinda hard to put into words.
Larry: Oh, I've been there amigo.
Squidward: You have?
Larry: Sure! But nothing clears the sawdust out of your brain quicker than a ride on a jet-ski. (Takes a jet-ski) Ever been on one of these little babies?
Squidward: Um, no. They always seemed a little sporty for me.
Larry: Well, you only live once, and I just happen to have an extra helmet. (Grabs a helmet)
Squidward: What the heck! (Takes the helmet. Cut to Squidward and Larry riding a jet-ski. They draw their faces on the sea and go through a ramp, landing on a carnival where they drive through a line of people waiting to ride a rollercoaster. They end up on the rollercoaster's rail tracks. Cut to Squidward and Larry playing pool, but Squidward fails miserably to hit the white ball, and both laugh. Cut to them watching a movie, with Squidward putting pop corns in the jet-ski's gas tank. Cut to Squidward and Larry playing music in front of a wig shop. A passer-by puts money in Squidward's clarinet box) We made quite a team!
Larry: I'll say!
Squidward: You know, earlier today I met a jerk who said he didn't like clarinet music.
Larry: Hey, you know that's very uncool. What kind of thoughtless ding-dong would knock another man's passion?
Squidward: You know, you're all right Lester.
Larry: It's Larry.
Squidward: Whatever. The point is, do you wanna go with me to a gallery opening tonight?
Larry: Well, that's not my kind of thing at all but for you, sure. I just need to stop by the apartment and make myself a protein shake.
Squidward: (Disgusted) Pff… What? You don't need that glop!
Larry: I wouldn't call it glop. Protein shakes saved my life bro.
Squidward: Aw, come on! It's a fad! You don't want to be one of these mindless rubes who marches around in a constant haze of stupidity! "Hello protein shakes! I'm the most gullible rube on the planet! (Twitches) Give me my stupid protein shake!" (Bumps on the belly of a furious Larry) I mean… (Larry smashes him to the ground and walks off with his stuff) So we still are on for tonight? Seven-ish? (To his reflection) I guess it's just you and me again.(Notices SpongeBob, who is staring at him while heavily breathing) What are you doing here?
SpongeBob: Just playing draggy rope. You wanna play?
Squidward: No.
SpongeBob: You hold onto one end of the rope and you drag it behind you like a sea snake is chasing you like this. You wanna play?
Squidward: Just get me out of here!
SpongeBob: Will do. (Pulls Squidward out of the ground with the jump rope)
Squidward: Thanks.
SpongeBob: Anything for a friend.
Squidward: Friend? (Sees his reflection on SpongeBob's eyes and smiles) Would you be my plus one? (SpongeBob gasps. Cut to the Galleria Diptheria entrance. Squidward comes out from a limousine) Come on SpongeBob. (A completely overcast SpongeBob comes out the limousine holding a mirror, with Squidward's reflection on it)
Perch Perkins: And here comes Squidward Tentacles and what must be either a bizarre piece of performance art or the saddest display of loneliness in his ever been my displeasure to report. One is inclined to suspect the second thing I said. The thing about sadness!
Squidward's Reflection: You'll always be my plus one.
Squidward: Aww! (Photographers and a jet-ski take pictures of the Squidward and the mirror)
End