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Squirrel Record

(Opens with a view of the Krusty Krab at dusk.)
(Cut to inside the Krusty Krab. Squidward is snoring, with a magazine resting on his face. An alarm clock rings and he wakes up lazily and switches it off.)
(Cut to the kitchen, where SpongeBob is cooking patties. Squidward pokes his head through the order window.)
Squidward: It's quitting time, SpongeBob.
(SpongeBob does not respond and continues working the grill.)
Squidward: Go home.
SpongeBob: (Still does not show signs of hearing Squidward) Hmm.
Squidward: (Irritably) Quitting time!
(SpongeBob sniffs a patty.)
Squidward: (Shouts into megaphone.) GO HOME!
SpongeBob: (Flips a patty then hears his watch beep.) Oh my, it's time to go home. (Notices Squidward.) Squidward, what are you still doing here?
(Squidward pauses, the runs away screaming).
SpongeBob: (Looks at spare patty.) What am I gonna do with you? I can't throw you away. (Puts patty in his wallet, then gets a whiff of the garbage.) Bleh! But I do have to throw away the trash.
(Cut to outside the Krusty Krab. The back door opens and a green cloud spills out, followed by SpongeBob, wearing a gas mask and holding the trash. He walks to the dumpster and throws it in. He notices a book and picks it up) What's this? Somebody threw away a book! You shouldn't throw away books. (Something groans and emerges from the dumpster.) Aaaaah! (SpongeBob backs away, then throws the book at the monster. It collapses, and the trash runs off to reveal Sandy.) Sandy? You're a trash monster?
Sandy: (Picks up the book and walks towards him.) Heck no. I was breaking a record for rooting around in a trash bin. It's all right here in the Guinness O'Ripley Enormous Book of Curiosities, Oddities and World Records. (She opens the book.) Lookie here, SpongeBob – staring record, 5 days! Most fries up nose, holding your breath …
SpongeBob: (Peers at the pages.) Woooow!
Sandy: (Slams book closed.) Yes, siree! I swear by the power of Texas I'm gonna break all the records in this here book!
(Cut to the outside of the treedome.)
Sandy: What's the next challenge?
SpongeBob: Let me see – oh. (Grimaces.) World's longest tongue.
Sandy: (Confident.) Well that's easy.
(Cut to SpongeBob gripping Sandy's tongue with both hands. Sandy holds onto the door. He walks backwards, stretching her tongue with some difficulty.)
Sandy: (Muffled.) 106 … 107 …
SpongeBob: Hold tight, Sandy.
Sandy: 108 … 109 … (Sandy's tongue has ruler measurements on it.) 110!
SpongeBob: That's it, Sandy, you did it!
Sandy: Yeee-haw! (She lets go of the door and is pulled toward SpongeBob. His water helmet becomes lodged in her mouth.)
(Cut to SpongeBob reading the book.)
SpongeBob: Let's see. Yikes, sweet mother of pearl! (He clasps the book to his chest.)
Sandy: (Eagerly.) Is it … dangerous?
SpongeBob: Yeah, you could say that. You have to eat as much chum as you can.
Sandy: Chum, huh? That's not too bad.
SpongeBob: (Pulls a face.) Raw.
Sandy: Raw?!
(Cut to the Chum Bucket. SpongeBob and Sandy stand at the order window.)
Plankton: You want what?
SpongeBob: One order of chum, please.
Sandy: Raw.
Plankton: Look, I know I'm an evil heartless mastermind, but no-one can ingest raw chum and survive.
SpongeBob: Oh yeah? Well Charlie Mackerel the current record holder did.
Plankton: (Stunned.) Really?
SpongeBob: (Checks the book.) For 30 seconds.
Plankton: Well, it's your funeral.
(Cut to inside the treedome. SpongeBob, wearing a safety suit, wheels a tank of chum on scene. He turns a tap and fills a spoon with chum, then walks over to Sandy, who is strapped down to a board.)
SpongeBob: OK Sandy, eat up.
Sandy: Uhhh, SpongeBob? I've changed my – (SpongeBob forces the spoon into her mouth. She swallows then screams and forces her way out of the restraints. She looks rabid.) World … record!
SpongeBob: (Checks a stopwatch.) Sandy, you did it! You survived! (Sandy collapses.) Uh oh. Hold on, Sandy! (He takes of his helmet.) I know just what you need. (He opens her mouth, inhales, then reaches into his pocket and pulls out the Krabby Patty from earlier.) A Krabby Patty! (He puts it in Sandy's mouth and she coughs and wakes up.)
Sandy: I did it, I'm alive! I can't wait to show them experts the pictures of my record breaking feats!
SpongeBob: Oh no, I forgot my camera!
Sandy: (Annoyed.) What? SpongeBob, I need photographic proof of my amazing deeds!
SpongeBob: I'll go get the camera.
Sandy: Well hurry up, I've got record breaking to do.
(Cut to outside the treedome. SpongeBob approaches, now with a camera around his neck, then enters the treedome.)
SpongeBob: (Noticing several robots and pieces of machinery.) Oh my.
Sandy: (Runs up to him, a gopher underneath one arm.) Got your camera?
SpongeBob: (Opens it up.) You betcha.
Sandy: (Thumbs up.) Great. Take a picture of me chucking this last woodchuck to break the woodchuck chucking world record. Ready, cousin Earl?
Woodchuck: (Snaps goggles into place.) Let 'er rip, darlin'!
(Sandy throws the woodchuck, which lands on a large pile of other woodchucks. SpongeBob snaps a picture.)
Robot: 100 woodchucks chucked. Record broken.
Sandy: (To the woodchucks.) Thanks for all your help, cousins. (She pulls a lever and they are sucked to the surface.) See y'all next Christmas, bye!
SpongeBob: Wow, Sandy, what is all this?
Sandy: I've decided to go about this scientifically. (A robot with a clipboard approaches. She takes it from him.) I feel that with careful planning and precise delegation of appropriate tasks I can manage the successful completion of the maximum number of records broken in the least amount of time. Book! (The robot hands it to her.) Picture.
SpongeBob: (Prints the photograph.) Here you go.
Sandy: Thank you. (Sticks the photo in the book.) So, what's next? Oh yeah, longest tooth. (She approaches another robot with a chemistry set.) How's the calcium infusion going?
Robot: It is ready, Miss Cheeks.
Sandy: Outstanding. (She takes the syringe.) Here, hold this. (She gives the book to a robot to hold, then injects her teeth with the calcium. Her tooth rapidly grows until she hits the ceiling of the treedome.) How'd I do?
Robot: (Hands tape measure to SpongeBob.) Please hold this end. (Extends legs and tape measure.) 35 feet. Record broken.
SpongeBob: (Is pulled up by the tape measure, hits the ceiling and is forced into his helmet.) Ouch.
Robot: Take a picture.
SpongeBob: (Aims the camera from within his helmet.) Say cheese!
Sandy: Cheeeese! (SpongeBob take a picture, then Sandy saws her teeth back down to size.) Picture!
SpongeBob: (Hands it to her.) Here you go.
Sandy: Thank you. (Sticks it into the book.) Next, spiciest chili gargle.
(Cut to Sandy holding a pot of bubbling chili. She tips it into her mouth and gargles. SpongeBob takes a picture.)
SpongeBob: Got it! You OK?
(Sandy belches fire.)
SpongeBob: (Rubs soot from his helmet and sniffs.) Do you smell soup?
Sandy: What's next?
Robot: Largest rubber band ball.
(Sandy, on a ladder, puts the last band in place and poses. SpongeBob takes a picture. The ball rolls over and crushes SpongeBob.)
Sandy: Woo hoo! What's next?
Robot: Most cobras milked.
(Sandy poses with a cobra.)
SpongeBob: Dahaha! Say cheese!
Sandy: Cheese!
SpongeBob: (There are cobras in his helmet.) Nice … snake … (They squeeze him.)
Sandy: Next!
Robot: Most walnuts in mouth.
Sandy: (Mouth full of walnuts; muffled.) Just … one … more! (SpongeBob puts it in, then she spits them all out.) Next!
Robot: Most chainsaws juggled.
Sandy: (Juggling chainsaws.) OK, shoot!
SpongeBob: Got it! So, uh, how do you stop?
Sandy: What?
SpongeBob: I said, how do you stop?
Sandy: What?
SpongeBob: (Comes closer.) How do you stop?!
Sandy: Why, that's easy. I just stop. (She throws the chainsaws in the air.) Then run like heck. Not that way! (She walks over to SpongeBob, who has been sliced up.) Come on, SpongeBob, pull yourself together! We've still got a ton of records to break! Oh yeah, you're gonna love this one!
SpongeBob: (Putting himself back together.) I dunno, Sandy, this is getting kind of dangerous.
Sandy: Come on, you don't need your helmet. This one's outside. Follow me.
(They leave the treedome and approach a giant house of cards.)
SpongeBob: Oh my.
Sandy: There is is, the world's largest house of cards.
SpongeBob: That's amazing! Get in front so I can take a picture.
Sandy: Naw, let's get a shot from the top. (They get into an elevator.)
(Patrick appears and bumps into the house of cards.)
Patrick: What the-? (He gets up.) Oh, hey! It's solitaire! I love this game! (He runs off screen then reappears with a baseball bat.) Ahaha! Touchdown! (He hits the house of cards and it collapses. SpongeBob and Sandy scream and fall.)
Sandy: What's next?
SpongeBob: Uh, I think I smell Gary's sandbox. Better go clean it! Now. (He leaves.)
(Cut to SpongeBob cleaning Gary's litter box.)
SpongeBob: I think you broke a record today, Gary … world's stinkiest litter box. Eww. I'm worried about Sandy, she's got record breaking fever.
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: You're right, she does need my help. (Determined.) I must stop this madness! It's all that book's fault. The book is evil. The book must be destroyed!
(Cut to SpongeBob sneaking outside Sandy's house. He sneaks in disguised as a robot.)
SpongeBob: (To another robot; in a robot voice.) Why don't you take five? I will hold the book.
Robot: Thank Neptune's gears; my wheels are killing me. (SpongeBob stashes the book.)
Sandy: (Grabs SpongeBob's arm.) Hey! Where do you think you're going? Get back in line, I need every available robot for this one. Most robots built and destroyed in a day.
(Robots enter a machine and are crushed.)
Robot: 656. 657. Oh, the artificial humanity.
(SpongeBob panics and tries to sneak away.)
Robot: Oh no you don't, we're all in this together.
(SpongeBob screams as they enter the crusher.)
Robot: 679. Record broken.
(A new robot emerges.)
Sandy: OK, shut her down!
New robot: Oh my.
Sandy: What's wrong with you?
New robot: My stomach feels funny.
Sandy: (Opens the robot.) Let's have a look. SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: (Crushed.) Oh, hey Sandy.
Sandy: SpongeBob, what are you doing?
SpongeBob: I'm here to save you from – (Grabs record book from robot.) - from this book! I'm going to destroy it before someone gets killed. I don't wanna lose you Sandy, I don't wanna lose you!
Sandy: Oh don't be silly, SpongeBob, I'm done with that book. I've beat ever record in here. In fact, I've invited the author to verify my eminence.
Author: (Takes book.) Thank you. (Flips through.) Hm. Yes. Oh my. I see. Well then. (Closes book.) I'm afraid you've broken no records. (SpongeBob and Sandy's jaws drop.) This book is 30 years old; these records were broken ages ago. (Points to SpongeBob.) You, however, have set a brand new record – most injuries sustained while helping a friend.
Sandy: Good for you, SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: (Crumbles.) Erm … hooray! (Gives a thumbs up.)
Author: Say cheese!
End