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Home Sweet Rubble

SpongeBob: (wakes up and yawns. He looks out his window) Ahh. What could go wrong on a beautiful day like this? (the window falls off as he walks inside the kitchen) Gary, time for breakfast! (tries to reach for the Snail Food on the shelf, which falls) The house must be settling. (pushes it back up) Oh, that's better. (the wall breaks, and the shelf falls) I can fix this. I'll feed you when I'm done.
(Gary meows angrily)
SpongeBob: (hammering the shelf back into place) Just a little man's know-how is all it takes, Gary. (hammers again, and the wall breaks)
Gary: Meow. (holds bowl)
SpongeBob: Oh, sorry, Gary. You want to eat, don't you? Don't worry. I can fix both problems.
(cut to SpongeBob fixing the wall)
SpongeBob: Okay, now that that's taken care of, time to feed Gary. (goes back inside. The house is a mess, and he sees the living room ceiling sagging) Oh, no! This is worse than I thought! (puts a broom and mop to hold the ceiling up) My door! (uses a chair to hold it up. He sees his window, and gasps as he uses the TV's antenna to hold it up. The broom and mop holding up the ceiling break, and SpongeBob screams as he runs over to hold it up himself) Patrick! Patrick! Patrick!
(cut to Patrick, who is sleeping, and daydreaming about himself in an office)
Female Voice: (on telephone) Mr. Star, I have a SpongeBob SquarePants online 3.
Patrick: Put him through. (answers the phone)
SpongeBob: (on phone) Patrick!
(cut to reality. Patrick wakes up)
SpongeBob: Patrick! Patrick Star!
Patrick: Hey, buddy! You really need to get this place cleaned up.
(SpongeBob's pineapple falls on Squidward's house)
Squidward: (wakes up scared) It's The Big One! (screams) It's the end of the world! Invest in gold! Hoard your drinking wa- (sees SpongeBob's house and sighs) I should've known. (goes to SpongeBob's house) What's going on in here?!
SpongeBob: You're just in time to lend a hand, Squidward!
Squidward: Lend a hand? No! (Patrick grabs Squidward and stretches him across the house)
SpongeBob: Patrick, call Sandy! Tell her to get over here, fast!
Patrick: (ties Squidward's tentacles) Say no more, buddy!
SpongeBob: Hurry, Patrick. I don't know how much longer I can hold this!
(Patrick calls Sandy)
Sandy: Cheeks residence.
Patrick: Sandy, don't hang up!
Sandy: What do you want?
Patrick: Oh, nothing. I'm just hanging with the sponge. How about you?
Sandy: Oh, you know. A little of this, a little of that. A little vacuuming.
Patrick: (laughs) Sounds like fun. I wish I was over there. SpongeBob's house is boring. There's nothing going on over here. (part of the wall falls, making a crashing noise)
Sandy: That sure don't sound like nothing. What's all the ruckus?
Patrick: Oh, SpongeBob's pineapple is rotting and falling apart all around us, and we're doomed.
Sandy: I'll be right over.
Patrick: Oh, take your time.
SpongeBob: Holding steady, Patrick. But, who knows how long this support system will last? (flexes Squidward's tentacle)
Squidward: Ow.
Sandy: This place sure went to pot quick. Knockity-knock, SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: No, Sandy. Don't! We must never, ever knock. This pineapple could topple over the slightest ges- (the pineapple shakes because of SpongeBob's hand. He takes it away) -ture.
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, what are you doing here? You were supposed to be at work two hours ago.
(cut to the Krusty Krab with a line of customers)
Customer #1: Hello? Anybody here? Hello! Do you guys know how to make a Krabby Patty?
Customer #2: No, but I can open a cash register.
(cut back to the pineapple)
Mr. Krabs: Your absence is costing me money.
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, I know. I'm sorry, but my hou-
Mr. Krabs: And, Squidward. I expect more from you. Well, actually, no. I don't.
Sandy: Well, I'm with you SpongeBob. And, I've got the toolbox to prove it.
Patrick: I'm here because... wait a minute. Why am I here? SpongeBob, I'm having another exit-pencils crisis!
SpongeBob: Not now, Patrick. And Squidward has done a great job holding it up.
Squidward: Against my will, I might add.
SpongeBob: So, what do you say, Mr. Krabs? Will you help?
Mr. Krabs: Well, I suppose I could join the cause. But, it'll have to be our standard deal.
SpongeBob: A week of my wages per hour?
Mr. Krabs: You got it, kiddo!
Sandy: Well, what are we waiting for? (hands supplies to SpongeBob) Let's get this restoration underway!
(cut to everyone building. Sandy turns on a machine that hammers a nail into a board)
Sandy: Perfectly calibrated! (the hammer smashes her finger) Ow! (tries to pull it out, and the machine flips on top of her)
Mr. Krabs: (using a hammer and wedge on a plank of wood. He carves it into a dollar bill with a picture of money bags) Not a bad bit of wooden starry if I do say so me-self. Time to put the finishing touches on her. (Mr. Krabs continues hammering it until it breaks) Oh.
(Patrick examines a plank, and shoves into the pineapple)
SpongeBob: Um... excuse me, everyone. Not to micro-manage or anything, but do any of you actually know how to build a pineapple?
Sandy: Well, of course we do, silly. Firstly, every pineapple needs a solid foundation to keep it firmly in place.
Mr. Krabs: (laughs) Not exactly, Miss Cheeks. A pineapple needs to be mobile with a strong hull attached in case you need to skip town unexpectedly.
Patrick: Wrong! (takes out the plank with a piece of pineapple on it) A pineapple needs a sweet, poutiney flavor. (eats the rotten pineapple piece)
SpongeBob: Those are all very great ideas, but-
Sandy: But, arguing ain't gonna get this pineapple fixed. Good point. Okay, fellers. From now on, we incorporate everyone's ideas.
Mr. Krabs and Patrick: Yeah!
SpongeBob: Uh, that's not exactly what I had in mind, Sandy-
Sandy: (pushing out SpongeBob's furniture) First thing you gotta do is clean out all this old junk.
SpongeBob: Sandy, my furniture is perfectly fine.
Mr. Krabs: Heads up! (pushes a grill over SpongeBob and into the room) Careful, boy. I thought I'd install a grill in your TV room for those nights where you have to bring work home with you.
SpongeBob: Yeah, but I like to watch TV in my TV room.
Sandy: (watering plants) Well, this ain't the TV room, anymore. This is your indoor garden.
SpongeBob: But, the sofa goes there.
Sandy: Oh, I know. But, isn't this better?
Gary: (with can) Meow.
SpongeBob: Gary, do you ever feel like you're not being listened to?
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: Sandy, we need to talk.
Sandy: About these columns? Nice, huh? Gives the pineapple an intellectual flavor.
SpongeBob: Yeah, but I kind of liked my pineapple the way it was. I don't need all these fancy- (gets splattered in paint)
Sandy: Sorry, buddy. I-I can't understand you. You've got something in your mouth.
Mr. Krabs: (using a finishing trowel to paint the pineapple) Ho ho, kiddo. Look out. Just applying some plaster stucco exterior here.
SpongeBob: (wipes paint off his mouth) I guess what I'm trying to say is there's nothing wrong with a pineapple that looks like a pineapple.
Gary: (with can) Meow.
SpongeBob: (gasps) Oh no, Gary! I still haven't fed you! Let's take care of that right now, little bud-
Patrick: (pushes a giant rock next to SpongeBob's house) It's just not a house without a rock to sleep under.
Sandy: Well, what do you think, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: It's, uh...
Mr. Krabs: Yes?
SpongeBob: It's, uh...
Sandy: Fantastic?
SpongeBob: It's uh...
Patrick: I'm hungry.
SpongeBob: You all worked very hard.
Mr. Krabs and Patrick: Whoo-hoo!
Sandy: Yee-haw!
Mr. Krabs: And, since you're such a satisfied customer, I only charged you double.
(Sandy, Mr. Krabs, and Patrick leave)
Sandy: Good job, fellers!
Mr. Krabs: Good work, boy!
Patrick: I'm starving. (laughs)
(cut to SpongeBob and Gary going inside)
SpongeBob: Well, Gary. Here it is. Our new home. (sits in a chair made of sand) Hmmm. This must be Patrick's contribution to the living room. Hey, vintage condiment jugs! Thank you, Mr. Krabs! (slow motion. SpongeBob presses down on the mustard dispenser, and dry mustard lands in SpongeBob's eyes, burning them. He screams. Regular motion. Runs into a futuristic bathroom) Gary, where's the sink?!
Gary: Meow.
(SpongeBob washes his face off in the toilet, which flushes)
SpongeBob: Gary, I don't think that was the sink.
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: Thanks for the futuristic bathroom, Sandy.
(a robot arm grabs SpongeBob and cleans it)
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: Well, this isn't exactly home sweet pineapple, but I suppose it could be much worse. We still a roof over our heads and food on the table. Hey, that reminds me! You still haven't eaten today, have you? Sorry, buddy. You must be famished. (takes a can off a shelf that Squidward's holding)
Gary: Meow.
(Squidward's hands slip through the holes, and he unravels)
Squidward: Ah! I'm unraveling! (the pineapple finally falls apart, and crumbles to dust) If you ever, and I mean ever (neck cracks) Ow! My neck. I'm gonna be in the chiropractor's for a week. (walks away)
SpongeBob: Well, Gary. There's only one thing left to do: (picks up phone) call and have this place condemned. (dials the phone as Gary leaves) Hello, operator. City hall, please, Office of Broken Dreams.
Gary: (returns with can) Meow.
SpongeBob: Oh, Gary, I'm sorry. With all this house ruckus, I completely forgot to feed you. Here you go, buddy.
(SpongeBob opens the can, and another pineapple house emerges into place)
SpongeBob: (reading off can) "Furnished Pineapple in a Can". Oh, Gary! You are the best! (hugs Gary and laughs)
End