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Kracked Krabs

(Open on outside shot of the Krusty Krab.)
(Cut the the kitchen, where SpongeBob is grilling.)
Squidward: (Leaning through the order window.) SpongeBob, one extra large order of sea fries.
SpongeBob: (Grinning.) And?
Squidward: (Pauses.) Please.
SpongeBob: Now that wasn't so hard, was it?
Squidward: Yes. Yes, it was.
SpongeBob: (Snaps his fingers.) One large sea fries, coming up!
(He dances across the kitchen to a sack of "sea taters", which he tips into his holes, somehow slices them internally, then tips them back out into the fryer. A bell signals they are cooked, he squeals happily, then puts them into a container and passes them to Squidward.)
Squidward: One large sea fries … extra weird.
(A retractable megaphone lowers in front of SpongeBob's face.)
Mr. Krabs: (Through the megaphone.) SpongeBob! (SpongeBob's hat, eyes, nose and teeth are blown away.) Please report to me office.
(Cut to Mr. Krabs's office.)
Mr. Krabs: Now listen up, son. I've called you here on official Krusty Krab business. (He begins to pace.) Every year me fellow cheapskate crabs meet to discuss new ways of being stingy in the workplace, but more than that, they bestow the award for cheapest crab and this year I've been nominated. (He holds out an official document for SpongeBob to read.)
SpongeBob: (Squinting at the paper.) Blah blah blah blah crabs, blah blah blah blah nominated, blah blah award – award!
Mr. Krabs: So I'll be out of town for the award ceremony and you're coming with me.
SpongeBob: Rooooooad trip!
(Cut to Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob leaving the Krusty Krab.)
Mr. Krabs: On this trip I'm gonna teach you all me cheapskate knowledge, like you were the son I never wanted.
SpongeBob: Oooooh! Can I call you Daddy?
Mr. Krabs: No.
SpongeBob: Pa?
Mr. Krabs: No.
SpongeBob: Pop?
Mr. Krabs: No.
SpongeBob: Papa?
Mr. Krabs: No!
SpongeBob: My old man?
Mr. Krabs: No!
SpongeBob: Daddykins?
Mr. Krabs: Maybe.
SpongeBob: Grampy Joe?
Mr. Krabs: (Facepalms.) No. Now, this'll be a great learning experience for ya, so keep your brain peeled.
SpongeBob: (Opens his head to reveal his brain.) Can do, Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: And in the tradition of the event, we are required to travel cheaply, and I'm going to teach you the cheapest way to do it.
(Cut to a shot of the outside of a hotel. A sign says "Welcome Cheapskates".)
(Cut to inside the hotel. A mail man is hauling his bag up to the main desk. He takes out a very heavy letter and puts it on the desk. Mr. Krabs pops out of the envelope with two suitcases, then tips the envelope upside down. SpongeBob falls out of it.)
Mr. Krabs: (Addressing the other crabs in the lobby.) Attention, cheapskate attendees! I, Eugene Krabs, have only spent on me travel the price of a one cent stamp! (The crowd cheers, and Mr. Krabs bows.) Thank you, thank you. (To SpongeBob.) I'd like to see someone top that.
(Another crab climbs out of SpongeBob's suitcase.)
Mr. Krabs: (Gasps.) Chintzy McGee?
McGee: Thanks for letter me hitch a ride, Krabs. I didn't have to spend a penny on travel.
Crowd: Oooooh!
Crab #1: Snap!
McGee: (To SpongeBob.) Better with him luck, kid. (He walks away.) He'll need it.
SpongeBob: Good luck Mr Krab – (Krabs grabs his lips and pulls him away.)
Mr. Krabs: Come on.
(Cut to Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob following a porter down a hallway.)
Porter: Your room, sir. (He holds out his hand.)
Mr. Krabs: You see that, laddie? That outstretched hand is one of the biggest dangers to becoming a true cheapskate. He wants a tip.
SpongeBob: What's a tip?
Mr. Krabs: It means he wants money … for nothing! (He pulls out a quarter on a string.) Now, watch closely. (He puts it in the porter's hand.) There you are, lad.
Porter: Wow, a quarter. You, sir, are a real cheapskate.
Mr. Krabs: Why, thank you.
(The porter begins to walk away.)
Mr. Krabs: Now watch closely, boy. You give it a little leave, and then – (He tugs the string.) - snatch it back!
Porter: Oh, like I haven't already seen that gag ten times. Today.
Mr. Krabs: (Laughs.) Go ahead, give it a try.)
SpongeBob: Aye aye, sir! (Pulls out his own quarter on a string.) Here you are, sonny. A nice, shiny - (He turns to look at a huge, grotesque porter.) - quarter.
Mr. Krabs: Go on, boy! Your quarter's getting away!
(SpongeBob tugs the string and ends up being sat on by the porter.)
Mr. Krabs: Quit foolin' around, I've got an award to win! (He grabs hold of SpongeBob and walks away.)
SpongeBob: My quarter!
(Cut to Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob walking into a room full of other crabs.)
Mr. Krabs: Hi, fellas! (He laughs, and the other crabs laugh with him.)
(SpongeBob attempts to laugh like them.)
Crab #2: You still know the cheapskate handshake?
Mr. Krabs: Of course. (They do it.) Penny pinching, penny pinching … cheep cheep cheep! (He puts his arm around SpongeBob.) I'd like to introduce me fry cook, SpongeBob. I've been giving him some pointers.
Crab #2: Ahh, training him in the cheapskate arts, eh? You're learning from the master, kiddo.
SpongeBob: I cook Krabby Patties.
Crab #2: Yes, sure you do. (He leaves.) Later, Krabs.)
Mr. Krabs: Lad, you're surrounded by stingy wisdom, so try to pick up some pointers. But whatever you do, don't lend anyone money.
SpongeBob: (Handing money over to a random crab.) 25, 26 …
Mr. Krabs: Let's mingle.
Crab #3: (On stage with a microphone.) Attention, penny pinchers! It's time to award the trophy for this year's cheapest crab.
(SpongeBob and Krabs sit in the audience.)
Crab #3: And the nominees are … (Puts a video tape in a player.) … Eugene Krabs in "Sign of the Times".
(Cut to the video. Mr. Krabs places a sign outside the Krusty Krab that says "Free Krabby Patties". Customers come running. He then places another sign inside the Krusty Krab, which says "$1 per footstep".)
Fish #1: A dollar per footstep?
Fish #2: I can't afford that!
Fish #3: How do I get outta here?
(Mr. Krabs laughs, holding an armful of money.)
(Cut back to the award ceremony. The audience claps.)
Mr. Krabs: Thank you, thank you.
Crab #3: Next up is Buford Bargainbottom in "Convenience Store Caper".
(Cut to the video. Bargainbottom is serving a customer. He scans a pack of chips three times.)
Customer: Uh, you charged me 3 times.
Bargainbottom: (Points at the packet.) Yeah, 3 times the flavor, 3 times the price.
(Cut back to ceremony; audience applauds.)
Crab #3: And Dwight T Wad in "Tying Up Loose Ends".
(Cut to video. Wad ties toilet paper from the floor back onto the roll.)
(Cut back to ceremony; audience applauds.)
Mr. Krabs: Aw, jeez. I didn't think the competition would be so stiff this year. (To SpongeBob.) I'm gonna need your help on this one.
(Krabs dashes on stage and whispers something to the announcer.)
Crab #3: Well, that's highly unconventional but, uh, OK. We will now hear a testimony from a Krusty Krab employee.
Mr. Krabs: (To SpongeBob.) I need you to testify about how cheap I am, so if you need to do a little exaggerating – (He wiggles his eyebrows. SpongeBob winks. Krabs winks. SpongeBob winks. Krabs winks. SpongeBob winks.) You're not getting it, are ya?
(SpongeBob shakes his head.)
Mr. Krabs: Exaggerating is like telling the truth, only with little lies sprinkled in to make it, uh, true-er.
SpongeBob: (Gasps.) You're teaching me to lie? Lying is wrong, Mr. Krabs!
Mr. Krabs: No no no no no, exaggerating is completely different from lying. You're taking the truth and just seasoning it with little lies. I mean, just because you put salt on a Krabby Patty, it doesn't make it a Salty Patty, does it?
SpongeBob: N-no.
Mr. Krabs: (Puts SpongeBob's hat on him an pushes him on stage.) Well, good enough. Just make sure you exaggerate enough for me to win!
(SpongeBob faces the audience.)
SpongeBob: (Nervously.) Um, uh, Mr. Krabs has always been very, uh, very … (Looks at Krabs.) Very red.
Mr. Krabs: (Facepalms.) Exaggerate!
SpongeBob: Uh, blue!
Mr. Krabs: No, about me being cheap!
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs is a very generous employer -
(Audience gasps.)
Mr. Krabs: No no no, exaggerate the other way!
SpongeBob: He's not doing it for the money, he is doing it for his loyal employees! (Audience mutters disgustedly.) Vacation time, regular raises, profit sharing; to Mr. Krabs these are just little gifts that he's glad to give us so that he can see the look on our faces when he hands us our pay check. (Mr. Krabs collapses.)
Crab #3: (Pushing SpongeBob off-stage.) We've heard enough. (Points at Krabs.) Disqualified!
(Cut to Krabs and SpongeBob packing in their hotel room. Krabs sobs into his suitcase.)
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs? You left some bitter tears on the nightstand.
Mr. Krabs: Thanks. (Takes them and puts them in his suitcase.)
SpongeBob: Cheer up, Mr. Krabs. You may not have won the award but you've taught this sponge a lot about stinginess. Oooh, I almost forgot to pack these hotel toiletries! And let's not forget these hotel towels.
Mr. Krabs: But isn't that stealing?
SpongeBob: Stealing! (Laughs.) We're exaggerating.
Mr. Krabs: Well, can we exaggerate this pillow, too?
SpongeBob: Well, only if you help me exaggerate this air conditioner.
Mr. Krabs: Sure, boy, but why not exaggerate the whole wall?
(They both laugh, then start stealing things like the sink and shower curtain. They pack the whole room into their suitcases.)
Mr. Krabs: Well, I didn't win the award but it's been nice exaggerating with you, boy.
(They both laugh.)
(Cut to the lobby.)
Porter: Do you have any hotel property in this bag?
Crab #3: Preposterous. This is all mine. (He taps the bag and it bursts open, revealing stolen towels and toiletries.)
(SpongeBob and Krabs appear, dragging their stuffed cases.)
Mr. Krabs: Eheheh, looks like he bit off more than he could chew.
(Their bags suddenly burst open and the room spills out.)
Crab #3: You lifted the entire hotel room?
SpongeBob: Ah-ah – exaggerated.
(The other crabs start applauding.)
Crab #3: That is the stingiest display I have ever seen. I declare you the new winner! (He hands Krabs the trophy.) See you next year! (He leaves the hotel, then tugs a piece of string and the trophy returns to him.)
Mr. Krabs: (To SpongeBob.) Thanks for ruining everything so I could win. Put her there, SpongeBob me boy. (Holds out his claw.)
SpongeBob: Sure! (He holds out his hand but Mr. Krabs accidentally snaps if off. They laugh.)
End