Back

Greasy Buffoons

(Opens at the Krusty Krab)
Squidward: And did you want kelp fries with that?
Customer: Uhhhh …
Squidward: (Puts the sale into the cash register) SpongeBob, order- (SpongeBob grabs the order) Up.
SpongeBob: (Reading) One Krabby Patty everything on it, one order kelp fries. Squidward, what size kelp fries are these?
Customer: Uhhhh …
Squidward: Medium.
SpongeBob: Coming right up. (Wipes the paper on Squidward's head)
(SpongeBob takes a bun out of the bag, breathes on it and polishes it until he can see his reflection. He fries the patty and the fries, then starts to take the tray out to the customer, but slips on a grease slick. The food smacks into the customer's face.)
Customer: Now that's what I call fast food. (Eats a fry and leaves)
Mr. Krabs: Squidward, what's all the hubbub? (Squidward blinks) SpongeBob, what's all the hubbub?
SpongeBob: I'm not sure, Mr. Krabs. I was bringing the customer his order and then I slipped and fell in this grease slick. I think I may be hurt real bad.
Mr. Krabs: Grease slick, eh? (He opens a trap door in the floor and looks inside)
SpongeBob: Oh, what it is?
Mr. Krabs: That, me boy, is a grease trap.
SpongeBob: Kinda looks like nobody's cleaned out the trap in a while.
Mr. Krabs: You know, SpongeBob, you're right. But that's a big job. A job that only two volunteer employees could do for no extra pay. (Squidward vanishes and SpongeBob cheers)
(Cut to SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs with a tanker outside the Krusty Krab. Mr. Krabs is holding a hose.)
Mr. Krabs: Hm. Nothing's coming out.
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, may I see that? (Takes the hose) Saw this in a movie once. (Starts to suck the hose) Hmm, yeah, maybe I wasn't doing it right. (Grease squirts in Mr. Krabs' face) Oh, never mind, I was. (They siphon grease into the tanker and SpongeBob removes the hose and closes the hatch) Yeah, nothing like a long night of siphoning grease to put some hairs on your chest, eh, Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: What?
SpongeBob: Well, now that we got the old grease trap cleaned out, what do you think we should do with all this excess grease?
Mr. Krabs: Hmm …
(Cut to SpongeBob driving the tanker with Mr. Krabs sat next to him)
Mr. Krabs: Right behind there. (Points to the Chum Bucket. SpongeBob presses a button marked "spill" and the grease pours out of the tanker.) All right, let's get out of here.
SpongeBob: (Drives away) Mr. Krabs, are you sure that was legal?
Mr. Krabs: Legal?
SpongeBob: Yeah, legal.
Mr. Krabs: Hmm …
(Cut to the next morning. Plankton walks out of the Chum Bucket with a trash can and slips and falls in the grease.)
Plankton: Ow! What the-? This is the most bizarre precipitation I have ever slipped and fallen in. (Sniffs it) Eurgh, it reeks! (Licks it) But it tastes delicious! Darn it, I almost had an idea. Oh, I do! I do have an idea! (Laughs evilly)
Karen: Plankton!
Plankton: Coming, dear.
(Cut to Mr. Krabs looking at a queue of people outside the Chum Bucket)
Mr. Krabs: Something is terribly wrong, Squidward.
Squidward: And it's taken you this long to figure that out?
Mr. Krabs: Plankton has had a line of customers all morning.
Squidward: So?
Mr. Krabs: So I'm gonna go find out what that rascal's up to. (Walks up to the customers) 'Scuse me, 'scuse me, coming through. What the? (Puts on glasses and reads a sign) "Try Plankton's new delicious Chummy Patties now with edible flavor"? (Sniffs) Clearly something Krabby is going on here.
(Inside, Plankton presses a button on the cash register)
Plankton: Next Chumstomer, please! (Notices Krabs) Well well, Eugene Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: Save the formalities for your mother-in-law, Plankton! You stole my Krabby Patty formula and I want it back!
Plankton: Oh, sorry to disappoint, Krabs, but I've done no such thing. I'm simply using a gift somebody left me to make my chum taste good.
Mr. Krabs: A gift?
Plankton: Ha! It's almost as if I had a personal visit from the flavor fairy.
Mr. Krabs: Be that as it may, Plankton, it takes two to tango.
Plankton: What?
(Cut to SpongeBob in the Krusty Krab kitchen)
Mr. Krabs: (Bursts through the door) SpongeBob! Stop what you're doing!
SpongeBob: But Mr. Krabs, I'm not doing anything.
Mr. Krabs: Never mind that now, I got some new directions for you. Now, from now on, I want you to fry up two patties for every Krabby Patty we sell. One for the patty itself (Puts one on the grill) and the second just for the grease (Puts another patty on the grill). Then slather the grease from the second patty onto the first one (Does so) and voilà, it's a deluxe Krabby Patty with extra flavor.
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, do you think it might be kind of … unhealthy to be feeding people all this grease?
Mr. Krabs: Unhealthy? Boy, didn't anybody ever tell you?
SpongeBob: Tell me what?
Mr. Krabs: Questions are a danger to you and a burden to others. (Hands him his spatula and leaves)
(Cut to Mr. Krabs outside the Krusty Krab)
Mr. Krabs: Little lower. Little more. More. Little more. OK, little to the left now. Up a bit. OK, wait, that's too far. All right, all right, perfect, right there!
Squidward: Mr. Krabs, I hope whatever your yelling about is something more important than my mid-morning nap.
Mr. Krabs: Just hanging a new sign, Squidward. (A worker on a ladder removes the covering and Squidward reads it)
Squidward: Deluxe Krabby Patty, just what the world needed.
Mr. Krabs: (Shushes Squidward) OK, little higher now!
Fish #1: (Queuing at the Chum Bucket) Hey, look at that!
Fish #2: What?
Fish #1: There, right up there!
Fish #2: Where? I don't see anything.
Fish #1: A little to the right …
Fish #2: OK, I see it.
Fish #1: There's a new sign up at the Krusty Krab! It says they're serving something called a ... Deluxe Krabby Patty?
Fish #2: That sounds delicious!
Fish #1: You're telling me! I'm going to try one. (They all rush to the Krusty Krab)
Plankton: Next Chumstomer in line, please. Hello? (A stool falls over)
(Cut to the Krusty Krab, which is now full of customers)
Customer #1: These are delicious.
Customer #2: Right! I can't imagine what makes them taste so good. (Takes a bite, squirting grease)
Plankton: (Watching through a telescope) Well, well, well. Now I actually do see what Krabs meant when he said two can play that game. But he's a bigger fool than he realises if he thinks ol' Plankton's going to take this one lying down. (Stands up)
(Cut the the Krusty Krab)
Fish #1: Man, am I stuffed.
Fish #3: Me too, but that Deluxe Krabby Patty was so swimmin' good. I'm going to get another one.
Fish #1: Sounds like a plan.
Fish #2: Hold it, what does that sign say? (Points)
Fish #3: It looks like it says, "New ultra chummy patties packed with quadruple grilled goodness". (They look at each other then leave the Krusty Krab)
(Cut to queue outside the Chum Bucket)
Mr. Krabs: Quadruple goodness? We'll see about that. (Enters the kitchen where SpongeBob is grilling patties) Keep the grill going non-stop to crank out as much grease as possible.
SpongeBob: Well OK, Mr. Krabs. I never turn the grill off but I can turn it off even less than that if you want.
Mr. Krabs: Uh … I don't really see what you're- (Slips and falls over) Mermaid's mollusc! (Picks up a bun soaked in grease) What in the name of Neptune is this?
SpongeBob: Sorry, Mr. Krabs. I accidentally dropped some buns into our vat of extra grease. They've been soaking in there for about an hour. (Mr. Krabs grins)
(Cut to new sign outside the Krusty Krab that says "New Yummy Bunz, over an hour of flavor in every bun!". The customers rush back to the Krusty Krab.)
Plankton: Yummy Bunz, huh? Well you're going to have to try a little harder than that, Krabs, once the hungry public hears about my newest creation.
Karen: Creation? My scanner shows that's nothing more than a burned grease crumb.
Plankton: You're right, and it's packed with flavor!
(Cut to crowd running towards the Chum Bucket, which has another new sign)
Crowd: Crispity Crunchities?
(Inside the Krusty Krab. Mr. Krabs walks by with a plate of grease.)
Squidward: Pee-yew, Mr. Krabs! Don't you usually flush that stuff down the toilet?
Mr. Krabs: This is our latest product. It's pure grease on a paper plate.
Squidward: I'll give you points for honesty.
(Cut to the customers running to the Krusty Krab, which has a sign advertising "Wow Soup". Mr. Krabs bursts into the kitchen.)
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob! Get those seven orders of Wow Soup out to table three, pronto! We gotta keep these customers happy or Plankton will steal 'em back.
(SpongeBob walks into the main dining room and sees the customers groaning and wallowing in grease.)
Fish #3: Are you going to eat that?
SpongeBob: It was supposed to be going to table three.
Fish #3: OK. (Walks away)
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: Sir, yes, sir!
Mr. Krabs: Are you going to get that soup served to table three or are you going to wait 'til it gets up and walks there itself?
SpongeBob: Actually, Mr. Krabs, I've been thinking. And, well, don't you think maybe this whole grease thing has gone a bit too far?
Mr. Krabs: (Laughs) You know what I think, SpongeBob? I think you should be thinking about not thinking and get back to work!
(Patrick stumbles into the Krusty Krab)
Patrick: Got to have … crunchity … munchity … (Falls over)
SpongeBob: Patrick! Oh no, not my best friend, too!
(Cut to Bikini Bottom Dept. of Health vehicle pulling up between the Krusty Krab and the Chum Bucket. An inspector in a hazmat suit gets out and inspects the grease.)
Mr. Krabs: (Gasp) Oh no! Did somebody call the health inspector?
Plankton: Oh no, did somebody call the health inspector?
Health inspector: Did somebody call a health inspector?
SpongeBob: It was me, sir. I just wanted to tell you that, well, for the past two weeks, Plankton and Mr. Krabs have been … (Hesitates) They've been feeding people gre- (Mr. Krabs grabs SpongeBob) They've been feeding pe- (Mr. Krabs throws him in a trash can) They've been feeding people- (Plankton slams the lid shut)
Health inspector: What's going on here?
Mr. Krabs: Hehe, n-n-n-nothing, Mr. Inspector.
SpongeBob: They've been feeding people- (Mr. Krabs kicks the trash can away)
Plankton: Just a friendly competition between old … (Plankton and Mr. Krabs stutter as they try to say the word "friends") … friends?
Mr. Krabs: Friends, right.
(The trash can rolls off a cliff and the lid comes off)
SpongeBob: They're feeding people grease!
Health inspector: Well, I thought I recognised this horrible stench but I thought that maybe just one of you two hadn't showered in a while.
Plankton: Um, officer? Officer, I would just like to state for the record that, um – this was all his idea. (Points at Mr. Krabs) All of it.
Health inspector: Oh, really? Well in that case you'll be happy to know I'll be ordering both your restaurants to be closed down until the two of you slimeballs can clean up your act! (Gets back into the truck) Good day. (Drives away, showering Plankton and Mr. Krabs in grease)
Plankton: Well, I'm taking a bath. (Leaves)
Mr. Krabs: I guess this is it, boy. The end of an era.
SpongeBob: No, it's not the end, Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: It is. Unless I can find a way to get this grease soaked up.
SpongeBob: Wait a minute, did you say "soaked up"?
Mr. Krabs: Oh, what difference does it make?
SpongeBob: You'll see.
(Cut to Mr. Krabs sleeping outisde the Krusty Krab. The grease is all gone.)
Mr. Krabs: (Wakes up) Huh? Oh, it was all a dream.
SpongeBob: (Full of grease) No it wasn't, Mr. Krabs. I soaked up all the offending substances from the surrounding area, and I'm gonna go dispose of them properly. The Krusty Krab is grease free! (Patrick runs up and starts to lick him) Patrick, no!
Patrick: Chunchity munchities!
SpongeBob: Stop it! Stop it! Go away! No!
End