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Sailor Mouth



Episode Info | Pictures
Typed By: sireatsalot

(Scene opens at the Krusty Krab at night.)
Mr. Krabs: Ah. Well, it’s the worst time of the day once again. Closin’ time.
SpongeBob: Well, see ya in the A.M., Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: Hold on there, SpongeBob! Take that pile of filth out with ya. (motions toward Squidward who is holding a bag of garbage)
SpongeBob: (gasps) Mr. Krabs! You shouldn’t talk about Squidward like that.
Squidward: He means this filth, you loon!
SpongeBob: (walking around to the back of the Krusty Krab) Takin’ out the trash, takin’ out the trash. Hm, dumpster writing. The voice of the people. (reading)“Up with bubbles, down with air.” Dahahahaha! “Nematodes are people, too.” Ha! Those nematodes! Here’s one somebody didn’t finish: “Squidward smells…” (finishes writing the sentence) good. Dahahahahah!! Hm, what’s this one? “Krabs is a…” (has confused look on his face)“Krabs is a (dolphin noise is heard).”
Garbage fish: (standing near the dumpster, grabs a few garbage bags) Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?
SpongeBob: Well, sometimes, but not…recently.
(Patrick walks up to the dumpster)
Patrick: Hi garbage man! Hi SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: Hi Patrick! Hey Patrick, do you know what this word means? (points to dumpster)
Patrick: (reading) “Kraaabss.” Uh, isn’t that the red, sweaty guy you work for?
SpongeBob: Nah-ah, not that word…THAT word.
Patrick: (studies the word, then reads)(dolphin noise)” Oh hey! I think I know what that means. That’s one of those sentence enhancers.
SpongeBob: Sentence enhancers?
Patrick: You use ‘em when you wanna talk fancy. You just sprinkle it over anything you say, and wham-o! You got yourself a spicy sentence sandwich.
SpongeBob: Oh, I get it! Let me try. (clears throat) Hello, Patrick. Lovely (dolphin noise) day we’re having, isn’t it?
Patrick: Why, yes it is, SpongeBob. This (dolphin noise) day is particularly (dolphin noise) lovely!
SpongeBob: How (dolphin noise) right you are, Patrick!
Patrick: (dolphin noises)
SpongeBob: (dolphin noise)
Patrick: (dolphin noise)
SpongeBob: Ooh, you’re right, Patrick. My lips are tingling from the spiciness of this conversation.
Patrick: (laughing) Mine too!
SpongeBob: (laughing) It tingles when I laugh!

(Cut to SpongeBob walking to the Krusty Krab, next day)
SpongeBob: (walks through the front doors, whistling) Hello, customers! Nice (dolphin noise) day we’re havin’, huh?
(The customers all stop what they’re doing and look at SpongeBob)
Pirate Customer 1: (gasps) Did he just say…
Pirate Customer 2: Aye, he did.
SpongeBob: Hey, Patrick. How the (dolphin noise) are ya?
Patrick: Pretty (dolphin noise) good, SpongeBob.
Old Customer: I thought this was a restaurant, not a gutter-mouth convention.
SpongeBob: (into the microphone) Attention, customers. Today’s special is a (dolphin noise) krabby patty, served in a greasy (dolphin noise) sauce, and grilled to (dolphin noise) perfection. A-and, don’t forget to ask us to (dolphin noise) the (dolphin noise) fries! It’ll be our (dolphin noises) pleasure.
(As SpongeBob was giving his foul-mouthed speech over the intercom, the customers were shown with shocked looks on their faces. A mother octopus is seen covering the ears of her five kids, having to cover one’s head with a soda cup. At the end of the speech, Squidward is seen walking to the register, an ear popping out of his head when he hears the foul language.)
SpongeBob: Hi Squidward! How the (dolphin noise) are ya?
Patrick: Nice (dolphin noise) day, isn’t it Squidward?
Customer 1: I don’t understand, that guy’s talented, he doesn’t have to work blue.
Customer 2: Let’s go somewhere more family oriented.
(Angry customers are seen leaving the Krusty Krab, as a Maximum Capacity sign is shown with it’s numbers falling fast. Sirens go off and red lights start flashing as we now see Mr. Krabs in a bathroom stall. A periscope sight comes down and he views the restaurant.)
Mr. Krabs: (gasps) Aah! The Krusty Krab, she’s empty! (runs out to the register, a piece of toilet paper is stuck to the bottom of his foot)) All hands on deck! Batten the front doors! Brace the cash register! Break out the happy snacks!! Squidward! Where have all me beautiful, payin’ customers gone?
Squidward: Apparently, the two barnacle mouth brothers just learned a new word…and SpongeBob just said it over the intercom!
Mr. Krabs: Well, what was it, what did he say?
Squidward: Uh, he said…um…well, he said (whispers to Mr. Krabs the rest).
Mr. Krabs: Huh? (Squidward whispers one last thing.) HUH!! SpongeBob and friend, front and center!!! Why, I oughta make the two of ya paint the Krust Krab for usin’ such language! (The force of his yelling knocks them to the floor.)
SpongeBob: But Mr. Krabs, we were only using our sentence enhancers.
Patrick: Yeah, it’s fancy talk.
Mr. Krabs: There ain’t nothin’ fancy ‘bout that word!
SpongeBob: You mean (dolphin noise)?
Mr. Krabs: Yes, that one! Now quit sayin’ that. It’s a bad word!
SpongeBob and Patrick: Bad word?! (they start scraping their tongues with their hands)
Mr. Krabs: Yesiree, that’s bad word number eleven. In fact, there are thirteen bad words you should never use.
Squidward: Don’t you mean there’re only seven?
Mr. Krabs: Not if you’re a sailor. (laughs)
SpongeBob: Wow, thirteen.
Patrick: That’s a lot of (dolphin noise) bad words.
Mr. Krabs: Ok, boys. I want ya to promise me, you’ll never use that word again.
SpongeBob and Patrick: We promise!

(Cut to SpongeBob’s house where he and Patrick are sitting on the floor.)
SpongeBob: Gee, I sure am glad Mr. Krabs told us that word we were using was a bad word.
Patrick: Yeah, me too…because classy sophisticates like us should not stain our lips with cursing.
SpongeBob: Yay, verily! Now, let’s play a nice, wholesome game of Eels and Escalators.
Patrick: Oh boy, my favorite!
SpongeBob: (shaking dice) Come on, Gary needs a new pair of shoes!
Patrick: Ooh, eels! Too bad, SpongeBob, you gotta ride the eel.
SpongeBob: Darn.
Patrick: My turn! (shakes dice) Hurray! Escalators! Up, up, up!
SpongeBob: (grabs dice) Come on, escalators, escalators, escalators. Ah, eels again.
Patrick: My turn! (shakes dice) Escalators!
SpongeBob: (shaking dice) Escalators, escalators, escalators! Eels?!
Patrick: Esss-kee-lay-tors! Well, this is your last chance, SpongeBob. If you get eels again, you lose.
SpongeBob: (shaking the dice really hard) Oooohhh…ESCALATORS, ESCALATORS, ESCALATORS!! (we see the dice land on escalators) Ha! Escalators!! (the dice suddenly flip over to eels)
Patrick: Eels.
SpongeBob: Daah, (dolphin noises)! (SpongeBob suddenly covers his mouth.)
Patrick: Oh, you said number eleven!
SpongeBob: Huh..ah…I-I didn’t mean…you gotta understand, Patrick, I was try-…oh, what I meant ta say…uh, some things just slip out. You gotta understand.
Patrick: Don’t worry, SpongeBob, I understand. (looks at SpongeBob, then runs for the door) Mr. Krabs! Mr. Krabs, Mr. Krabs, Mr. Krabs!
(Patrick is seen running from SpongeBob’s house, with SpongeBob following.)
SpongeBob: Wait, Patrick! Patrick, no, please! Don’t tell!
Patrick: But you said (dolphin noise)! (covers mouth)
SpongeBob: Ah-ha! Now I’m gonna tell Mr. Krabs on you! (runs faster, leaving Patrick behind)
Patrick: Bwah…not if I tell first!
SpongeBob: I can run faster than you! Dahahaha!
Patrick: (hitching a ride on a passing ice cream truck) See ya at the Krusty Krab! Ha ha ha! (The truck suddenly turns down another street, going the wrong way.) Oh, nooooo!
SpongeBob: Dahahahaha! (bursting through the doors of the Krusty Krab) Mr. Krabs, Mr. Krabs, Mr. Krabs!
Mr. Krabs: What, what, what?
SpongeBob: Patrick, Patrick, Patrick!
Mr. Krabs: Yes, yes, yes?
SpongeBob: He said, he said, he said…
Mr. Krabs: Out with it, boy!
SpongeBob: Me an’ Patrick were playin’ Eels and Escalators and he was goin’ up, up, up, and I had to ride the eel, and then we ran, and Patrick, he said some things.
Mr. Krabs: What kinda things?
SpongeBob: Well, he said…
Mr. Krabs: Yes?
SpongeBob: Well, um, let’s just say he said a certain word that you said he shouldn’t say, and this particular word happens to be word number eleven in a list of thirteen words that you said shouldn’t be said.
Mr. Krabs: Uh…right. What was that part about that…with the um…uh…who now?
Patrick: (walking in with an ice cream cone) Mr. Krabs, Mr. Krabs, Mr. Krabs!
Mr. Krabs: Aarhh.
SpongeBob and Patrick: He said that word you said he shouldn’t…that word…number thirteen…(they continue babbling at the same time, pointing at each other)
Mr. Krabs: (grabbing their mouths to shut them up) Now, I’m gonna let go of yer lips, and when I do, I wantcha ta calmly tell me what yas needs ta tell me. Understand?!
SpongeBob and Patrick: Mm-hm. (Mr. Krabs lets go) He said (dolphin noise)!
Mr. Krabs: Aah! Do my ears deceive me? You two should be ashamed! Time ta take out the trash. (He grabs them by the pants, taking them outside the restaurant.) You two need to be taught a lesson. I thought I made it clear. Never, and I mean never, use number eleven or any of the thirteen bad words. Now the both a yas wait right here. I’ll be back.
Patrick: (he and SpongeBob are shaking with fear) What’s gonna happen to us?
SpongeBob: We’ll probably get forty lashes.
Patrick: Oh, no! (A thought cloud appears with the face of Patrick which has a thick bunch of eyelashes.)
SpongeBob: I’m sorry, Patrick. Mr. Krabs is right. There’s no need for words like that.
Patrick: I’m sorry, too, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: Let’s make a vow, Patrick: From this day forth, a foul word shall never pass our lips. We will be good citizens, just like good ol’ Mr. Krabs.
Patrick: Agreed. (shakes SpongeBob’s hand)
Mr. Krabs: All right you two foul mouths, as punishment for foulin’ the air in me restaurant with yer foul words, yer gonna give the Krusty Krab a fresh coat of paint from top to bottom. (stubs his foot on a rock) Ooh..ow-wah! Oh, my (dolphin noise) foot! What (dolphin noise) genius put a (dolphin noise) rock in the (dolphin noise) path! Can’t ya see I gotta (honking noise) on here! Oh (Dolphin noises and honks continue as SpongeBob and Patrick are seen trying to keep count of his swear words.)
SpongeBob: Five, six, seven…
Mr. Krabs: …with a side of (dolphin noise) and a heapin’ helpin’ of (buoy bell noise) and a boat load of (fog horn sound)
Patrick: Nine.
Mr. Krabs: …Ah (dolphin noise) grabbin’ (fog horn sound). Ooh-hoo-uh…
SpongeBob: (holding up his hands, showing 13 fingers) That’s all thirteen, Patrick! Huh! We’re gonna tell your mom, Mr. Krabs!
Mr. Krabs: No! Please! Not my mommy! (everyone starts running off) Wait! Please don’t tell me mother. I don’t think her little old heart can take it!
(SpongeBob and Patrick run up to the front door of Mr. Krabs’ mother’s house, pounding on it with their fists.)
SpongeBob and Patrick: Mama Krabs! Mama Krabs! (door opens)
Mama Krabs: Well, hello there.
SpongeBob: (while Patrick is mumbling similar things)Mama Krabs, he said (dolphin noise) and then he said (dolphin noise) then he said (dolphin noise) again, and he said (dolphin noise), and then he screamed at the top of his voice (fog horn sound) and he (many more dolphin noises and honks and horn sounds)…Mrs. Krabs. (Mr. Krabs is seen in the background motioning with his arms and mumbling about them being liars.) He didn’t care! Such a stream of (dolphin noises and fog horn sounds) I have never heard in my days!
(Mama Krabs is seen standing in the doorway looking shocked.)
Mama Krabs: Oh, dear. My poor old heart. (She puts a claw over her chest and faints. Mr. Krabs catches her.)
Mr. Krabs: (gasps) Huh! Oh dear, mother! (As he says the next line, he takes a coin from her pocket and puts it in his own pocket.) What have these foul-mouthed heathens done to ya? You two should be ashamed, makin’ an old lady faint with yer sailor talk!
(Mama Krabs jumps out of Mr. Krabs arms.)
Mama Krabs: You should all be ashamed! And if you’re going to talk like sailors, then you’re going to work like sailors!

(Cut to everyone painting the outside of Mama Krabs’ house.)
Mama Krabs: I guess you scallywags have earned a glass of lemonade. (laughs like Pop-eye)
(As Mama Krabs is walking back to the house, she stubs her foot on a rock.) Yeoooow! My (old-fashioned car horn sound) foot!
(Mr. Krabs, Patrick, and SpongeBob all gasp at the same time.)
Mr. Krabs: Mother!!
Mama Krabs: What? It’s old man Jenkins in his jalopy. (Old man Jenkins drives by, we hear more old-fashioned car horn noises.)
Old man Jenkins: Howdy, Mrs. K!
(SpongeBob, Mr. Krabs, and Patrick laugh.)
End