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Mall Girl Pearl



Episode Info | Pictures
Typed By: Honest Slug

(The episode begins inside Mr. Krabs’ house, where Pearl is smooching pictures of boys in a magazine called “Coral Cuties” then Pearl proceeds to call her friend Marina. Who’s working in a store in a mall called “Hotdog on a String” Marina picks up her phone)
Marina: Hi, Pearl.
Pearl: Hey girl! Let’s hang out!
Marina: (Groans) Ugh, I can’t. I have to work at Hotdog on a String today. Brad called in sick, so I’m in charge of stringing the dogs. (Holds up a string with hotdogs on it) Totally lame.
Pearl: I guess I’ll see you later then? (The call ends)
Fish #1: Uhhhh, can I get one with extra string?
Marina: (Groans, Pulls up hot dig wrapped with tons of string)
(The episode cuts to a store in the mall called “Scorched Coral” Nocturna picks up the phone, which is making a screaming noise)
Nocturna: What?
Pearl: Hey girl, want to make fun of boys, or something?
Noctunra: Uh, sorry girl I can’t, I’m working at Scorched Coral all day. (Picks up sea urchin) It’s heinous.
Pearl: So hehe, so heinous, he. See ya later.
Nocturna: See ya later, Pearl. (The call ends)
Fish #2: (Walks up towards Nocturna, who is behind the cash register, the fish has a wristband squeezing her neck tightly) How much is this choker?
Nocturna: Um, it’s a wristband? (The wristband chokes fish #2 a bit and she goes unconscious) Awesome.
(The perspective then changes to a store called Bangles and Dangles, Nixie holds on organizing the trinkets as her phone rings, she picks up the phone)
Nixie: Nixie speaking.
Pearl: Nixie! My bestest friend in the whole wide world! (Kicks legs up and down in excitement) You should come over. We can watch TV and eat cheese!
Nixie: I wish I could Pearl, but I have to work at Dangles and Bangles. All dangles are half off with the purchase of any bangle! (Starts whispering) Dangle must be of equal or lesser value than bangle. Some restrictions may apply. (The phone call ends, Nixie tries to move but it’s revealed a bangle she’s wearing is connected to an anchor and she falls down)
Pearl: (Picks up the magazine she was kissing earlier, she talks to a picture of a boy on it, hearts appear in the air) Oh, you don’t work at the mall, do you, Derek?
Derek Picture: No, but all my girlfriends do. (Winks)
(She has a shocked expression, the hearts disappear. The perspective cuts to downstairs, where Mr. Krabs is on a rocking chair, Pearl is running downstairs)
Pearl: Daddy! Guess what?
Mr. Krabs: (Mr. Krabs looks worried and gasps, he Reaches and grabs wallet, he closes it, puts a lock on it, and swallows it, Mr. Krabs pretends to look surprised, he chuckles) He-he. I have no idea Pearly.
Pearl: Dad, I’m getting a job today.
Mr. Krabs: (Makes an expression of exuberant shock and bounces around the room in excitement, he walks up to Pearl shouting) Woo-hoo! Oh this is great news Pearl me dear! Now instead of wasting my precious money (Mr. Krabs starts air quote gestures) on your clothes, and school supplies. (Laughs) You can waste your own.
Pearl: I’ll be an independent working woman. Blazing my own trail and standing on my own two fins.
Mr. Krabs: That’s the spirit!
Perl: Oh, can I borrow ten dollars?
Mr. Krabs: (Makes disappointed expression, he opens his mouth and grabs his wallet inside it, he gives the money to Pearl) I’ll miss you around the house.
Pearl: Oh, daddy, you’ll see me after work.
Mr. Krabs: I was talking to the money.
Pearl: (The perspective cuts to the mall, inside it shows the “Hotdog on a String” store and Pearl is running towards it, she sounds excited) Hey, Marina! I’m here to apply for a job!
Marina: You should meet the manager, I guess. (Points to the manager’s office) He’s in his office. Mr. Pepalino! There’s someone here for a job!
Pearl: (Pearl runs towards the office, however she gets stuck in the door, Marina, tries to push her in, but she ends up popping back opposite of the intended direction) I don’t think he’s in there.
Mr. Pepalino: (He’s revealed to be tiny, and is stuck to the back of Pearl, making hurt sounds he’s bounced towards the fryer, he lands on a rotating string, he gets repeatedly burned) We’re not hiring.
Nocturna: (The perspective switches to Scorched Coral) Welcome to Scorched Coral, please go away, (See’s Pearl and starts sounding less bored) oh, hey Pearl, what are you doing here.
Pearl: I would like to apply for a job, please!
Nocturna: Yeah, sorry, you’re a little late. We were hiring, but we actually just hired someone today. (Cuts to show the new employee who is someone who looks likes like Pearl with gothic clothing and makes a growl, Pearl walks away a little scared)
Pearl: (The view shows The Bangles and Dangles store) Oh Nixie I need to work at Dangles and Bangles! This is my last chance, you gotta help me out here! Oh please, please, please, please, please, please!
Nixie: Come on let me introduce you to the manager. (Walks Pearl over the manager) This is…
Manager: Nope, not hiring.
Pearl: (Sounding desperate) You don’t understand, I have to work here!
Manager: Sorry missy, the only thing we don’t dangle here… is hope.
Pearl: Oh, bangles. (Another scene starts where Pearl is at a bench trying to eat a hot dog with a string, after struggling trying to eat it she puts it down her blow hole on her head and eats it that way, the burps and uses the string to floss) Oh, this is the worst! If I don’t get a job at the mall I’m going to have to hang out with (Dramatic close-up) my dad!
Beatrice: (Walks up to Pearl) Are you looking for a job, dear?
Pearl: (She gets up) Yeah! I need one as soon as possible, it’s a life or death situation actually!
Beatrice: Oh my goodness, are you in danger?
Pearl: In danger of never seeing my friends because I don’t have a job! (Looks sad)
Beatrice: Come with me (Pearl follows her)
Pearl: (As they go down the elevator, they go into a run-down, dirty part of the mall) Oh, weird. I’ve never been in this part of the mall before. Oh (Puts hand over nose) what’s that smell?
Beatrice: Oh, probably one of the many perfumes we sell here at Grandma’s Apron! (They go inside the old-fashioned looking store) Congratulations, you’re hired!
Pearl: (Excited) Oh, this is the best day of my life! (Hugs Beatrice very hard)
Beatrice: (Cracks bones back in place) Well, I can’t quite afford to be picky these days, (Starts looking sad) the only other employee besides me was Myrtle, and she’s… no longer with us. (Pans to a picture of Myrtle with funeral music playing)
Pearl and Beatrice: (Both shriek as Myrtle zooms by)
Myrtle: Almost forgot my shades. (Takes shades next to her picture) See ya later, suckers! (Zooms out of Grandma’s Apron)
(Later Pearl is in the cafeteria looking for a table to sit at)
Marina: Hey Pearl, over here! (Waves hand, Pearl sits at the table)
Nocturna: Did you find a job?
Pearl: Yeah, I got a job at… Grandma’s Apron!
Marina: (Laughs) Pearl, you cannot be serious!
Nocturna: Ew that store’s for old people.
Nixie: (Laughs) Old people are so… old.
Pearl: Old people aren’t that bad… are they?
(Marina points to a table of old people, one’s teeth fall in their soup, another’s head plummets into their soup, the three laugh as Pearl deflates like a balloon)
Marina: (Later Pearl dusts some figurines at Grandma’s Apron, she glances at Beatrice writing in some book) Hey girls, I smell moth balls.
Pearl: Well we are having a sale on them, they’re 25% off today!
Nocturna: Um, isn’t it your naptime Pearl?
Nixie: Where’s your moo-moo granny? (All three burst out laughing, Pearl starts tearing up)
Beatrice: Don’t let those bubble-headed nincompoops get to you, Pearly?
Pearl: But it’s not fair!
Beatrice: Life’s not fair my dear. We all go through hard times at some point. (Takes out book) Here, look. (Points to picture in the book where she’s being laughed at by 3 girls) I was different from the other girls, and they teased me for it. They called me Boring Beatrice, not very creative those girls (chuckles).
Pearl: Who would even take a picture of that?
Beatrice: Oh, good ol’ Jonesy from the AV Club took that one. (Shows picture of Jonesy in the book)
Pearl: Wait, but who took that picture...
Beatrice: All that matters Pearly my dear, is that things will soon change. (Shows picture In the book with Beatrice graduating with the 3 girls that were teasing her on chairs with cones on their heads) But in the meantime, you should be having as much fun as possible. (Throws book) Let me show you how grandmas do it!
(Pearl and Beatrice start knitting sweaters on rocking chairs, Beatrice makes a pink one with a heart on it, Pearl makes a green one with a whale on it, she struggles to put it on and when it does get on she starts squeezing. Then Pearl starts drifting with a scooter, Beatrice proceeds in a slow and steady pace, Pearl does the same. Next Pearl starts stirring a bowl of flour, she hands the bowl to Beatrice. They both put on headphones. Beatrice does an air kiss prompting an explosion which turns the flour into heart-shaped cookies. They laugh and Pearl takes one. Later Pearl is shown with Grandma clothes knitting yearn, it falls and Pearl runs to get it)
Pearl: Woah, come back here yarn!
Nixie: (Stops the yearn, her, Marina, and Nocturna gasp to see Pearl with grandma clothes)
Marina: (Laughs) Love the shoes, Pearl!
Pearl: You guys just don’t get it! Being a grandma is fun! I get to sit in a rocking chair, dust trochees, bake cookies, knit mittens, hats, and scarves!
Nocturna: (All 3 laugh) Scarves…
Pearl: It’s actually, like, the most coral store in the whole mall. So... you can all, just, just, eat barnacles!
(All 3 continue to laugh)
Beatrice: Now, now girls, let’s be polite!
Marina: What are you gonna do about it, granny? (Starts wielding hot dogs on a string like a numb-chuck and grunts)
Beatrice: Granny power! (It echoes across the mall, all stores close their doors. She shoots her false teeth out of her mouth, her false teeth chase the 3 around, all 3 start screaming) Pearl, toss me the Autumn Years perfume! (Pearl throws the perfume at her and Beatrice grabs and sprays it, creating a perfume head of Beatrice that swallows the 3 girls up, they continue to scream)
Marina: It smells like pills and bed pans! Woah! (The false teeth chomp on them some more)
Beatrice: (The false teeth return to her mouth, she starts knitting a gigantic fabric that wraps a sweater around Marina, Nocturna, and Nixie. Trapping them) Well now that you’re all sitting down, (Pearl hands her a rocking chair that Beatrice sits down on) let me tell you about the first time I ever saw a talking picture show. Oh, boy, did they know how to talk!
Nixie: (Sounding desperate) No, please, I can’t take any more!
Marina: (Looking afraid) It’s… so boring!
Noctunra: No I hate the past!
French Narrator: One hour later.
Beatrice: That’s why today, we all wear shoes!
Marina: Okay, okay we get it, we will stop being mean, I promise just let us go. (Beatrice takes a thread and starting pulling it until the sweater is no more, when they’re out the 3 girls look dizzy) Listen, Pearl, we didn’t mean to hurt your feelings our anything. We just, like, think it’s weird that you’re, like, a grandma now, or whatever. We don’t really… get it.
Pearl: Well, I don’t care what you guys think anymore anyway. I’m being true to myself, and, and that’s all that matters.
(The 3 girls look at eachother, shrug, and walk away)
Pearl: I’m a grandma now! Right Beatrice?
Beatrice: Oh, Pearl. I’m so glad you enjoyed being a grandma, but your friends make a good point. You’re only young once you see. You don’t wanna grow-up too fast, or you’ll miss out on all the fun.
Pearl: (Looks up) I guess you’re right. Being a grandma is nice and all, but I do miss being a super hip young person.
Beatrice: Go have yourself some fun, my dear! (Pearl prepares for a hug) Ah, ah, ah, ah. How ‘bout a nice, gentle handshake instead? (Pearl and Beatrice have a handshake, Beatrice’s hand is squeezed by Pearl’s hand)
Pearl: Hey, wait up, guys! I want to be friends while I’m still young!
Beatrice: Uh, see ya tomorrow! (Her hand falls off)
SpongeBob: You dropped this. (Hands Beatrice her hand back)
End