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Episode Info | Pictures
Typed By: Honest Slug

(The episode begins in Patrick’s rock where he is watching TV)
Meredith: Did you get stuck in the pet door again?
Isopod: I ain’t gonna lie to ya, Meredith, I am not a happy camper! (On the TV an isopod is revealed to be stuck to a door)
Patrick: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
TV Voice: We’ll be right back to “The Giant Isopod Stuck in a Pet Door” show after these messages.
Nick Fishkins: (The TV cuts to pictures of a Clam Home, a tiny beach house, and a broken car with the word “Sold!” appearing on screen over each picture until Nick Fishkins appears) Homes! Homes! Homes! Homes! Homes! I’m Nick Fishkins and I want to buy your home! (Points to Patrick)
Patrick: What?
Nick Fishkins: You heard me. (Points again) I want to buy your home.
Patrick: But my home’s not for sale?
Nick Fishkins: (Appearing buff) It doesn’t matter to me, any condition, any size, (Lifts up two homes like weights) I’ll buy your home! Sold! (The word “Sold!” once again appears on the TV)
Patrick: Sold! (Looks at the TV in shock) Where am I gonna live now?
SpongeBob: (The perspective switches outside SpongeBob’s house where SpongeBob is blowing a feather up into the air until Patrick comes over) What’s happenin, Patrick? You goin on a hike?
Patrick: It’s a forever hike.
SpongeBob: A forever hike?
Patrick: Yeah, all because of Nick Fishkins!
SpongeBob: Who’s Nick Fishkins?
Patrick: He shows up on television, and buys your home, and there’s nothing you can do about it! Now I am doomed to walk the seas without a home. (Puts head down)
SpongeBob: Ahhh, don’t worry, Patrick. You can move in with me, we’ll be roommates! (Puts hands in the air)
Patrick: Woah! (It is now night, and inside the pineapple SpongeBob and Patrick are laying down and eating popcorn while watching the TV, SpongeBob changes the channel)
Nick Fishkins: (On TV) I’m Nick Fishkins, and I want to by your home! (Points towards SpongeBob and Patrick) Sold! (The word “Sold!” appears on the TV)
SpongeBob and Patrick: AAAAAHHHH! (They spit their popcorn out)
SpongeBob: (At night SpongeBob and Patrick walk towards the back end of the Krusty Krab where there’s trash lying around) Well we might as well spend the night here. It’s not so bad, we could make a home out of all this trash!
Patrick: Don’t forget to make a garage for our new boat. (Patrick is in a broken bathtub holding a broken steering wheel and laughs)
Squidward: (The perspective switches to Squidward’s house where it is morning and a clam yells like a rooster, he wakes up, but he has an expression that looks like something is off) Huh, how strange, usually I wake up each morning with a dark feeling of dread knowing at my stomach, but today I feel positively (Zooms in on Squidward’s lips) happy. (He starts smiling, the perspective switches to a road where a smiling rainbow is over him, the sun is smiling, and he looks joyful) ♪Smiling rainbows!   Smiling sun! Smiling rocks, and vegetation! (The rocks and coral appear to have smiling faces and are rocking back and forth to the beat) Look ma I’m dancing, (Jumps up) and hear my song! All is lovely when nothing is wrong! (He walks by smiling jellyfish) Everything’s smiling, yes, even me! Is this what they call, feeling happy!♪ (He walks inside the Krusty Krab, and then into the kitchen, Mr. Krabs appears to be taking out the trash, but Squidward takes the trash for him, with one of Mr. Krabs’ arms stuck to the trash bag, he goes out the back of the Krusty Krab and throws the bag into the dumpster)
SpongeBob: (Offscreen) Good morning, Squidward.
Squidward: Good morning, SpongeBob. (Has a moment of shock) Oh, that’s why I felt great this morning, there was no SpongeBob.
Patrick: (Offscreen) Hi, Squidward! (SpongeBob, Patrick, and Gary both appear to be on the porch of a filthy home made out of trash)
Squidward: Oh, what did you numbskulls do with the trash!
SpongeBob: Built a house. (Zooms out to reveal the entirety of their dirty house, some objects on the porch fall off)
Squidward: What the? Why?
Patrick: Cause Nick Fishkins bought my home, and then he bought SpongeBob’s home. (Points to SpongeBob)
SpongeBob: So now we live here.
Squidward: oh, why didn’t you just use the money Nick Fishkins gave you to rent a room or buy a new home?
Patrick: Well he hasn’t paid us yet.
SpongeBob: Yeah, he said it right on the TV, I want to buy your home, but we haven’t seen any money!
Squidward: Oooh… (Looking baffled and annoyed by their stupidity) Let me get this straight, you saw a TV commercial of Nick Fishkins saying he’d buy your home, and without meeting him or signing anything, you believe your homes have been sold.
Now doesn’t that seem weird, even to you!
Patrick: Reeeally weird. (Both SpongeBob and Patrick go back to relaxing on their chairs)
Squidward: Oh listen you dumb… (He stops as he has a realization, he has an image of himself next to his house as a rainbow appears destroying SpongeBob and Patrick’s homes, and he puts on an evil grin) You know, looks like you guys got Fishkinned, and well there’s nothing you can do about that. (Walks off laughing to himself)
SpongeBob: (A clam yells like a rooster, waking SpongeBob out of a bed made of boxes and paper, SpongeBob scratches his armpit a pit and gets out of bed drinking a bean can, he proceeds to go into a shower like area as Patrick dumps trash on him, the perspective switches to inside the kitchen where Mr. Krabs sniffs something) Ready for work, Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: (Looking shocked) Wait a minute! What’s the matter with you boy, you look like you slept in a pile of trash.
SpongeBob: (Looking extremely dirty) A pile of trash house, Patrick and I built one out back with all your garbage.
Mr. Krabs: With my garbage? (Looking angry) On my land! (He looks normal again) I’ll be chargin ya a reasonable rental fee.
SpongeBob: (Looking concerned) How much?
Mr. Krabs: Hmmm, your paycheck outta cover it.
SpongeBob: Gee, I didn’t know being homeless was so expensive.
Squidward: (Looks at his watch, he is next to the cash register) Ahhh, work is done. (Folds up Krusty Krab hat and puts it in his pocket, he starts walking towards the door out looking happy) Now I can go home to a SpongeBob-free zone, and re-arrange my doily collection.
SpongeBob: (Comes up and hugs Squidward) I miss the old neighborhood! I think I’m gonna visit my old house tonight.
Squidward: (Gets SpongeBob off him) Uh, no, no, you don’t wanna do that!
SpongeBob: Why?
Squidward: Well, uh, (He’s sweating) family has moved in there… with, uh, a lot of kids… and they don’t like to be disturbed.
SpongeBob: How many’s a lot?
Squidward: Oh like… twelve kids.
SpongeBob: But if I just ask politely to visit, do you think…
Squidward: And they don’t speak English! Uhh… the Fishtraps only speak… German. (Tries to smile, SpongeBob deflates looking sad)
Patrick: (Eating trash next to SpongeBob) Maybe I could move in with whoever’s in my house?
Squidward: (Looking scarred) No! No! No! Uh, a band lives in there now.
Patrick: A rock band?
Squidward: Umm… yes. (Points to Patrick)
Patrick: Cause my house is a rock?
Squidward: Yeeeeeees… (Points to Patrick again) A Big rock band with like, eight people, and all sorts of musical equipment so there’s only room for musicians. Ha (Walks off)
SpongeBob: Hey I could learn German!
Patrick: And I could learn what learn is.
Squidward: (At night Squidward is in his house, resting on his chair listening to classy music while reading a book called “Everybody Aplomb Now”) Umm, nice. Ahh, it’s like a beautiful dream, so peaceful, no more aggravation! (He closes his eyes until he can hear a loud knocking sound) Gaah! (He looks outside his window, seeing that SpongeBob is knocking on the door of his pineapple) What is that porous terror up to now? Oh no, he’s expecting a big family that speaks German! (He takes a bunch of stuff out of out his closet and goes inside SpongeBob’s pineapple from the back, he opens the door SpongeBob was knocking on revealing Squidward dressed with a fake mustache, a hat, and some German-looking attire, he tries to speak with a German accent) Uhh, German hello?
SpongeBob: (In a German accent) Ach! Guten Morgin! Mein name ist SpongeBob!
Squidward: (In his regular voice) Say what?
SpongeBob: Ach! Guten Morgin! Mein name ist SpongeBob! Ich bin gekommen um mein alte Heimat besuchen.
Squdiward: (In a German accent again) Uh, please, would you speak in ze English? I need za practice.
SpongeBob: (Looking surprised, he talks regularly again) Uh, oh, yeah, I mean sure. Good morning, my name is SpongeBob, what is your name?
Squidward: Um, Gerhard?
SpongeBob: Well, hello Gerhard. I used to live here, just stopped by to visit my old home.
Squidward: Ach, mein Neptune, (Starts sweating) uh, now is nein such a good time mit the wife and zuch!
SpongeBob: Uh, wife? Where is she?
Patrick: (Walking behind SpongeBob towards his old house) Uhhhhhhh, hey SpongeBob.
Squidward: (With an expression of panic) Gah! She’s… shy. Well, I must be going, mein wifen’z calling me for zupper! She is a fine Gutenchef of Fudenschlop!
SpongeBob: Uh, would you mind if I stayed for zupper? (Runs inside the pineapple) Whatchya havin’?
Squidward: Umm, kerglooginpfiefer mit schlusinberry klabber sauz.
SpongeBob: (looking excited) Kerglooginpfiefer, that's my favorite! Uh, what's your wife's name?
Squidward: (Looking frustrated) I don’t know… Hedvig! (Squidward grabs SpongeBob and puts him on a chair) Dunt movin! Not a schtepp! (SpongeBob tries getting off the chair) Nein, nein! No moven sie! Sitz! (He points towards SpongeBob, he proceeds to run to his house, he rummages through the house and goes to Patrick’s rock with some materials, Patrick is knocking on the rock until Squidward opens it, and he tries to sound cool, he has a crummy-looking wig on his head) Hey, man, like what’s happenin’?
Patrick: I miss my house, and I was hoping I could move back in.
Squidward: Oh, (Shakes head) sorry dude, no room. This place is like, filled with band members and musical instruments.
Patrick: What do you play?
Squidward: Oh…the electric clarinet…
Patrick: (Folds arms) There’s no such thing!
Squidward: (Looking nervous) Sure there is…
Patrick: Prove it!
Squidward: I’ll be right back! (He rushes out of the rock and back inside his house where he hastily shoves a speaker onto his clarinet and rushes to grab other equipment)
SpongeBob: (Still sitting on the chair, he yells) Ohhhhh Gerhard, are you coming back? (Looking worried, Squidward tip-toes back to SpongeBob’s house) Hello, you must be Hedvig! (Shakes Squidward’s hand)
Squidward: Hedvig? (He tugs on his hair and has a realization, he starts trying to sound feminine) Oh! Oh yeah! That’s me, Hedvig!
SpongeBob: I’ve heard so much about your kerglooginpfiefer mit schlusinberry klabber sauz! Can't wait to try it.
Squidward: (Talking normally) One s… Ah! Hm, hm, hm! (In a feminine voice) One second! (He runs over to the garbage and puts the trash on a plate, he gives it to SpongeBob, and SpongeBob looks excited) Tonight's zupper is to go, so please, to go!
SpongeBob: (Holds out fork and knife) Well aren’t your twelve little German children going to sing for me while I eat?
Squidward: (Sounding like his normal angry self) I don’t have children! (He realizes what he said and goes back to his feminine voice, he starts sweating again) I mean, I mean, yeah, yeah, outside please. (He shoves SpongeBob outside)
SpongeBob: I love outdoor concerts.
Squidward: (Runs back into Patrick’s rock, he opens to rock and plays his electric clarinet impressively, Patrick looks happy and impressed) Uhh… groovy enough for ya, man?
Patrick: That was great! You should give lessons to my ex-neighbor, Squidward. He stinks! (Squidward looks angry and runs back to the pineapple, Patrick walks towards SpongeBob, who is still sitting in front of the pineapple) What’s going on?
SpongeBob: Shhh (Music can be heard) The Fishtrap children are gonna sing!
Squidward: (From inside the pineapple Squidward has puppets on his tentacles that appear from the windows to look like eight children) ♪Ve are der little kiddievinks, der kiddievinks, der kiddievinks, ve are der little kiddievinks, ve love to sing all day!♪
SpongeBob: (Eating part of the kerglooginpfiefer mit schlusinberry klabber sauz) I think the littlest kiddievink is off-key.
Patrick: They need a bath. I’ll go talk to the guys that live in my old place and see if they can come over to play along!
SpongeBob: Yeah!
Squidward (Looking angry, he comes out of the pineapple and throws the puppets out) That’s it, I’m done!
SpongeBob: Squidward, what are you doing in the Fishtrap’s house?
Squidward: You idiots, it’s not the Fishtrap’s house, it’s your house, and that is still Patrick’s house! You just saw a commercial, that’s all!
Patrick: soo… is Nick Fishkins gonna live in my house?
Squidward (He looks frustrated, but then looks defeated) He doesn’t live in the houses he buys.
SpongeBob: Well, if he doesn’t live in them, what does he do with them?
Squidward: He flips the houses, you dimwits! He buys houses then resells them for a profit! He flips houses for a living!
Patrick: He flips houses for a living?
Squidward: (Looking agitated) Yes, and I’m calling Nick Fishkins right now to come over, and flip my house, so I can move away! (He walks away angry)
SpongeBob: Poor Squidward. We should do something really nice for him!
Patrick: (With a realization) I know!
SpongeBob: (Both SpongeBob and Patrick appear to be holding on to Squidward’s house from opposite ends) All right, Patrick, on the count of three, one, two, three! (They throw Squidward’s house into the air, Squidward goes airborne inside the house as it flips over onto the ground, and Nick Fishkins comes over on a boat)
Nick Fishkins: Say, is this the home of Squidward Tentacles, the one that was for sale?
SpongeBob: Sure is.
Nick Fishkins: Yeesh, this place is a wreck. I’m Nick Fishkins, and I do not want to buy this home! Not sold! (The words “Not Sold!” appear briefly and Nick Fishkins drives away)
Squidward: (Speaking from the top of the now flipped house) What happened?
SpongeBob: We flipped your house for ya.
Squidward: (Looking worried) Who’s that driving away?
Patrick: That was Nick Fishkins.
Squidward: And what did he say?
Patrick: He said yeesh, who would wanna live in that thing? Not sold!
Squidward: I… I can’t believe you did that! (Smacks head)
SpongeBob and Patrick: (Going back inside their respective homes) Your welcome!
Squidward: (His house completely crumbles) Ow! Ach du lieber...
End