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Ghoul Fools

(begins with Spongebob and Patrick lying on the grass)
SpongeBob: Ah. Patrick, don't you love staring at clouds and thinking about what they look like?
Patrick: Yeah, it really calms my inner demons.
SpongeBob: (points to cloud) Wow, look at that cloud. It looks just like Sandy.
Patrick: I'm not seeing it. Ooh, check out that cloud! It looks just like a... um, um, um, d'oh, it's coming, uh, looks like a.. a cloud.
SpongeBob: Hmm. It does. Hey, look at that one. It looks just like Mr. Krabs, doesn't it?
Patrick: Sure does! Um... who's Mr. Krabs again? Oh, now that cloud looks like a flying houseboat.
(shows houseboat flying over Bikini Bottom)
SpongeBob: Um, Patrick, I think that really is a flying houseboat.
(Spongebob and Patrick watch houseboat flying, houseboat crashes)
SpongeBob: What is it, Patrick?
Patrick: It's probably just one of those fake haunted houses, you know, for babies.
SpongeBob: I don't know, Patrick, it's very scary-looking and spooky.
Patrick: It looks like fun, I'm going to check it out (runs to houseboat)
SpongeBob: Patrick, wait for me! (follows Patrick)
Patrick: (laughs while attempting to climb into houseboat and failing) Hey, SpongeBob, can you give me a boost?
(Patrick gets on top of Spongebob)
Patrick: A little to the left. (Spongebob moves to the left) A little help? (Spongebob lifts him up) Hurry up, lazy bones!
SpongeBob: (climbs aboard)
Patrick: Wow. Look at this place! It's so cheesy! Check out this lame doorknob.
(Spongebob looks at skeleton doorknob, which shrieks at him. Spongebob laughs nervously)
Patrick: Let's check out inside.
SpongeBob: I don't know, Patrick.
Patrick: Oh, come on, don't be such a baby! (opens door, Spongebob follows) Wow, so lame!
(thunder is heard)
Patrick: (sees plate of eyeballs, picks up) Nice attention to detail, though. (puts eyeball back)
(Spongebob notices the eyeballs blink, runs)
Patrick: Huh. So not scary!
SpongeBob: (sees picture of flowers) Hey, this is a nice picture! (snakes appear out of picture and crawl through Spongebob, scaring him)
Patrick: Did you say something, SpongeBob?
(snakes return to picture)
Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob, check this out!
SpongeBob: Ok, I'll be right there!
Patrick: Even the spiders are fake! I wish something would...pop out of a closet! Like a big, hairy hand! (door opens and a big, hairy hand enters and attacks Spongebob) That would be scary! (Spongebob screams from far away) But this place is too low budget for that! (hand brings back Spongebob) It would be cool, though, wouldn't it?
SpongeBob: (shaking) Yeah, that'd be (gulps) neat-o.
(scary music plays)
Spongebob: Patrick, where is that music coming from?
Patrick: I think it's coming from that guy!
(shows ghost playing piano, thunder is heard)
Lord Poltergeist: (turns around) Who dares trespass upon me haunted houseboat? (thunder is heard, Lord Poltergeist goes towards Spongebob and Patrick)
Patrick: We do!
Lord Poltergeist: Aye. And what man or beast might you too be?
Patrick: (looks in Lord Poltergeist's mouth) Look at the attention to detail in his mouth. It's so rotten and slimy. (Poltergeist breaths in Patricks face, Patrick smells it and is grossed out) His bad breath is incredible! His hair is very thin, too. It's dirty. (sniffs hair) Ew. It reeks, and check out the work-ship on the jaw mechanism. (moving Poltergeist's jaw up and down) Remarkable-built quality! (lets go of jaw) Obviously a puppet or a robot! Hey, we must be in one of those pizza parlors, with one of those singing animated robots!
Lord Poltergeist: (angry) Robots? Puppets? Pizza parlors?!
Patrick: Sing us a song, robot!
Lord Poltergeist: What? Sing for ye?
Patrick: Oh, whoops! You're right. I almost forgot. You're coin-operated, aren't you? (Patrick inserts a coin into the Poltergeist's nose, Poltergeist coughs it up)
Lord Poltergeist: So you want me to sing ye a shanty, eh?
Patrick: Uh-huh! Uh-huh!
SpongeBob: Don't put yourself out for us!
Lord Poltergeist: And you do not think I'm a real ghost, do ye?
Patrick: Nope!
SpongeBob: I do, Mr. dead pirate, sir!
Lord Poltergeist: Oh, oh, oh, I'll sing ye a song, all right! A song so terrifying, you'll have to believe I'm a ghost! (electrocutes Spongebob and Patrick, laughs)
Patrick: This show is going to be so awesome.
SpongeBob: (nervous laughter) Yeah, awesome... (Spongebob's hand falls off)
Lord Poltergeist: Hit it, fingers! (fingers appear, music plays)
Ghosts: Yo-ho-ho, yo-hoooooo!
Patrick: (whispers) They're good!

---------------
Oh, we're the ghouls of the briny deep
Under the waves we like to creep
Sleeping in coffins with spider webs
As ghostly pillows beneath our heads
Oh, we're the ghouls of the briny deep
Under the waves we like to creep
We wear black shrouds that look quite neat
We don't have shoes because we have no feet
We like to haunt, and frighten, and scare
Until you jump right out of your underwear
We like to eat eyes and brains
And drink right out of rusty drains
We don't keep animals like cutesy snails (Gary!)
Our favorite pets the cat-o-nine tails!
---------------

Cat: Meow!
(Spongebob and Patrick applaud)
Lord Poltergeist: Do you believe we're real ghosts now?
Patrick: Where's my pizza? What kind of pizza joint are you running anyhow?
Lord Poltergeist: Pizza? I'll give you a pizza! (makes pizza appear)
Patrick: That's more like it! (opens pizza, shows anchovies)
Anchovies: Meep! Meep! Meep! Meep! Meep! Meep! Meep! Meep! Meep!
SpongeBob and Patrick: Anchovies!? (pizza disappears, Spongebob and Patrick bow) You are real ghosts! You are real ghosts!
Lord Poltergeist: (laughter) So ye finally believe, eh? Cursed swabs!
SpongeBob: We do! We do!
Patrick: Oh, please don't kill me with your death ray eyes, Mr. Ghost Robot! Take my best friend instead! He's lived a full life!
Lord Poltergeist: Eh, great friend you have here!
SpongeBob: Why have you come to Bikini Bottom, oh mighty dead person, sir?
Lord Poltergeist: Eh, that's funny you should ask. Usually, when I come to town, it's to terrify the population and enslave their souls in eternal torment! (laughter) Yeah, but this time we just blew a head gasket.
SpongeBob: Oh, I didn't know you ghosts had gaskets in your heads!
Lord Poltergeist: Not us, you imbecile! Our engine room broke down. (opens engine room, coughs) Hey, Charlie, you got the busted head gasket out yet?
Charlie: Here you go, boss! (head gasket melts) Looks like we need a new one! (Poltergeist grabs head gasket)
Lord Poltergeist: Say, maybe you two morons... Um, fine gentlemen, could pick up a new one for us!
SpongeBob: (gulps) Uh, uh, us?
Lord Poltergeist: Yes, you! And just as a little incident to make you return (lifts Spongebob and Patrick) I'll take your souls as deposit!
(Poltergeist picks both up individually and puts their souls in bottles, opens treasure chest and gives Spongebob a doubloon)
Lord Poltergeist: Here's a shiny doubloon to buy a new gasket. Succeed and maybe you'll get another doubloon! If you aren't back in 24 hours, your souls are mine and you'll be part of my ghastly crew, um, (checks calendar), let's see here, three weeks from Thursday... forever!
SpongeBob: Um, can we run screaming in horror from your ship now, Mr. Ghost Captain, sir?
Lord Poltergeist: Oh, why certainly!
SpongeBob: Patrick, after you!
(Spongebob and Patrick leave, screaming)
Lord Poltergeist: Such a polite lad!
(they stop for ice cream)
Patrick: One scoop, please.
(they eat their ice creams, and continue running to Krusty Krab)
SpongeBob: Ghosts, ghosts, a haunted houseboat!
Patrick: (muffled, tongue stretched out) Houseboat full of ghosts!
(Spongebob is caught in Patricks tongue)
SpongeBob: Ew!
(Patrick's tongue gets them both stuck)
Fish: Hey, those guys are insane!
(customers run)
Mr. Krabs: (exits office) What in Neptune's name is going on? (gasps) Come back! (cries) SpongeBob, what in the blue barnacles, are you up to?!
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, it was awful! We just had a spooky encounter of the ghostly kind!
Mr. Krabs: You had a what?
SpongeBob: We were just minding our own business and a haunted houseboat fell out of the sky!
Patrick: (muffled) And it was full of ghosts! The really, real kind, not fake kind!
(Mr. Krabs puts Patrick's tongue in place)
SpongeBob: The captain of the ghost gave us this doubloon and told us to buy him a new head gasket! And then, he took our souls and he put them in bottles and he said he's going to turn us into ghosts if we don't get that head gasket! You gotta help us, Mr. Krabs! I feel so empty without my soul!
Mr. Krabs: Did you say doubloon? (grabs doubloon) Let me see that! Hmm, looks somewhat authentic. (sniffs) Smells real enough! (bites doubloon, goes to fish's car and steals head gasket)
Fish: Hey!
(Mr. Krabs returns with head gasket)
Mr. Krabs: Ok, let's go see those ghosts, fellers! We'll catch 'em and take their gold!
SpongeBob: But Mr. Krabs! We don't know the first thing about ghost hunting!
(they hear a noise, which is a new invention from Sandy)
Sandy: I'll catch your ghosts for ya! It'll be easy with my new fangled critter-detector-catcher gizmo!
Squidward: And you just happened to bring that with you...to the Krusty Krab?
Sandy: Sure, I was looking for milkshake gremlins!
(Sandy looking for milkshake gremlins)
Sandy: Nope, none in there!
Mr. Krabs: Great, then it's settled, let's go catch us some ghost gold!
Squidward: What makes you think I have any interest in your delusional adventurism?
Mr. Krabs: Come on, Squidward! Think about what those treasures can do for the Krusty Krab, eh? Huh? Why, I can buy you that break room you've always wanted!
(Squidward imagining himself in break room)
Squidward: Ok, I'm in!
Mr. Krabs: Super! Let's go catch us some treasure! So what do you say, SpongeBob! Are ya ready!
SpongeBob: I'll go, but just to get my soul back.
Mr. Krabs: Who needs a soul when you're filthy rich?
(cuts to the houseboat)
SpongeBob: So here it is. Pretty creepy, huh?
Sandy: This place looks like it hasn't been lived in for years.
Patrick: Four years? Gotta be longer than that.
Squidward: I don't see any signs of ghosts. (walks to painting of man with a pitchfork and woman) Nothing here but a bunch of tacky, old furniture, and boring, representational art. (man comes to life and eats woman) Huh?
SpongeBob: Look, Mr. Krabs! The doubloons!
Mr. Krabs: (gasps) Haha! (licks doubloon)
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, I wouldn't touch that if I were you! That gold probably has ghost germs all over it.
Mr. Krabs: Oh, don't be silly, SpongeBob! There's no such things as germs. (puts doubloon in sack) Heads up, Squidward! (throws bag to Squidward, hitting Patrick) Hey, Patrick, think fast!
Patrick: Think? (hit by bag of doubloons)
Mr. Krabs: All righty, then. Let's get while the getting's good! Ooh! (sees doubloon left behind) Looks like I missed one! Uh....it seems to be stuck... (pulls out Lord Poltergeist, screams)
Lord Poltergeist: Who dares touch me gold?
SpongeBob: It's just us, Mr. Ghost Captain, sir. We brought the replacement gasket you asked for. So if it's not too much trouble, do you think you could give us our souls back..now....maybe.
Lord Poltergeist: A deal's a deal and I'm a man of me word. Here you go, square one.
(Spongebob fills his body with his soul)
SpongeBob: Ah. That hits the spot!
Lord Poltergeist: Think fast, pink one!
Patrick: Again?
(bottle of orange soda hits Patrick in the head)
Patrick: My soul! (licks it off the floor)
Lord Poltergeist: (laughing) Those weren't your souls. Those were just a couple of old orange sodas that have been sitting in the sun too long!
Patrick: Well, I thought mine seemed a little flat.
SpongeBob: But what about our real souls?
Lord Poltergeist: Eh, I never had 'em. Everyone knows you can't hold onto a wild soul. Well, now that that's settled, there's still a little matter of... (notices Squidward, Patrick and Mr. Krabs leaving with his gold) Me gold! Stop right there! No one touches me booty and gets away with it.
Mr. Krabs: Pffft! You ghosts don't scare me! You're nothing but thin air! Grab your sacks and follow me, boys! (Krabs opens to door, which leads to a void that he is sucked in to) Noooooo!!!!!!
Lord Poltergeist: (laughter) Welcome to the void!
(Squidward makes incoherent babbling noises, is sucked into the void)
Patrick: Get me out of here!
Squidward: Nooooo!!!!!
Lord Poltergeist: (laughing, sucks in Patrick)
Patrick: Noooooo!!!!!!!
Mr. Krabs: Hmm. So this is limbo. Well, at least I have a sack full of doubloons to spend eternity with. Uh-oh. Gotta use the can! (Krabs notices a flying port-a-potty) Ooh. There's a bit of luck. A portable potty. What's this here? "Insert doubloon" Noooooooo!!!!!!!!
(cuts to Patrick)
Patrick: Wow. This void sure is relaxing! (a doughnut appears on Patricks head) Hey! I've got a doughnut on my head! Come here, you. (head stretches) Hey! Get back here! (head stretches more) Why is this happening to me? (doughnut comes to life)
Doughnut: (laughing) Welcome to your worst nightmare (Patrick screams, doughnut laughs) Hmm? Hey, stupid? Don't you wanna eat me?
Patrick: Not really. I don't like plain doughnuts.
Doughnut: Well, what kind do you like?
Patrick: Um, I like sprinkles!
Doughnut: Aa. Voila!
Patrick: No, chocolate! No, a bagel! No, pancakes! No...
Doughnut: Hey, pick one, so we can get on with your eternal torment!
Patrick: Ok, ok! Man, you're pushy! How about...a Krabby Patty? With pickles! And ketchup! Wait, wait, wait, I know! I want....a plain doughnut!
Doughnut: Nooooooo!!!!!!!!
(cuts to Squidward in the void)
Squidward: Oh, great. I wonder what my vision of eternal suffering will be! (a large, ghost version of Spongebob appears. Squidward is on his nose) Of course!
Ghost SpongeBob: Hi, neighbor! (laughter)
Squidward: I guess this is the part where I start screaming. (screams)
(Ghost Spongebob keeps laughing, cuts to Poltergeist)
Sandy: Hey, corpse breath! You better let my friends out of there if you know what's good for ya!
Lord Poltergeist: (laughter) And if I don't, what will ye do about it, me bubble-headed lassy?
Sandy: Oh, you'll be laughing out the other side of your tombstone once you've had a taste of my ghost-catcher!
Lord Poltergeist: Oh! The big chipmunk's gonna get us! (laughing)
(Sandy turns on ghost-catcher, releases everyone)
Mr. Krabs: Thanks, lassy. Now, let's just get this here bag of doubloons back to the Krusty Krab!
Lord Poltergeist: Not so fast! That there booty be mine! (Poltergeist sucks bag into treasure chest)
Mr. Krabs: Hey, you thieving bilge rat! I stole this gold fair and square! (Mr. Krabs and Poltergeist quarrel, doubloons fly into the air)
SpongeBob: I got it! (treasure chest crushes Spongebob)
Mr. Krabs: Me gold!
Lord Poltergeist: You mean my gold!
SpongeBob: Hey, that's funny! Hmm, this chest says it belongs to the Flying Dutchman!
Sandy: The Flying Dutchman?! You ain't afraid he's gonna want it back?
Lord Poltergeist: Nah, nah! We used to be part of the Dutchman's crew. We stole his gold hundreds of years ago! But the Dutchman hasn't found us yet. And he never will!
(cannon shoots in the houseboat)
Flying Dutchman: Avast!
Lord Poltergeist and Sandy: (look out the door) Huh?
Flying Dutchman: Heave to..and prepare to be boarded by the Flying Dutchman!
Lord Poltergeist: The Dutchman! How did he track us down? Unless, there be a snitch aboard!
SpongeBob: (holding a phone) It is my civic duty to report stolen property!
Lord Poltergeist: Why, you scurvy little scum-scrubber! You've ruined everything!
Flying Dutchman: Avast there, you scurvy thieving barnacle bass!
Lord Poltergeist: (nervously) Dutchman! Boy, am I glad we finally found you!
Flying Dutchman: So, it be me old first mate who stole me gold and me crew!
Lord Poltergeist: Stole your gold? We just went out to get pizza!
Flying Dutchman: Um, that was 300 years ago!
Lord Poltergeist: Um, we got lost? But we've been looking for ye ever since...to give ye back your treasure!
Flying Dutchman: Me booty! Well, maybe I misjudged you fellas! I'm sorry I was so cross with ya! (Lord Poltergeist sails away with treasure) Why, you treacherous sea devils! When I'm done with you, you... (Lord Poltergeist runs over the Flying Dutchman) Ok, now I'm a little bit peeved!
Lord Poltergeist: Ha-ha-ha! Eh, that Dutchman was always a sap!
Sandy: Frog whiskers! The Dutchman's on our tail!
Lord Poltergeist: Eh, now that the engine's fixed, the Dutchman will never catch up with aye. (engine dies) Boiler room, we're losing power! Report! The engine's on fire, sir! (engine explodes)
Sandy: The Dutchman's gaining on us!
Lord Poltergeist: We're going down! Brace for impact! (all screams, boat collapses)
Flying Dutchman: Don't go anywhere, kiddies! Cause you're about to be cursed like you've never been cursed before!
SpongeBob: Uh-oh. I don't like the sound of that!
Flying Dutchman: Observe! (Dutchman removes his eye and turns into a missile, laughing and destroying the Poltergeist's ship)
(cuts to a scene in The Void)
Lord Poltergeist: Welcome to the Cursed Krab. How may we serve you this eternity?
Skeleton: I just need to use the bathroom.
Lord Poltergeist: Aargh, it's right over there.
Patrick: Here's your milkshake, Sandy. (Milkshake Gremlin pops out)
Sandy: Got ya, you little gremlin!
Doughnut: And what would you like, sir?
Ghost: I want a plain doughnut! (eats doughnut off of Patrick's head, given bill)
Mr. Krabs: How's the holdup, Mr. Squidward!
Squidward: Everyone's paying with bones.
Mr. Krabs: Well, money's money!
Squidward: No, I mean actual bones. (opens cash register, showing bones)
Mr. Krabs: Hmm. Those must be worth something down here.
SpongeBob: Order up, Squidward! Everybody hold onto something! It's time to flip the patties!!! Hit it!
(Giant Spongebob laughs at flips the Cursed Krab, turns into Flying Dutchman as the episode ends)
End