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The Googly Artiste

Squidward: (wheeling something out of his house) La da dee... la da dum... la da doo... La da dee... It's a great day for the art world. (stops) Famous art critic Fredrick T. Nitpick is will be critiquing my latest masterpiece. I love hearing myself talk. (SpongeBob and Patrick giggle loudly)
SpongeBob: Hi Squidwar-- ooh, I love your hat.
Squidward: Don't touch it! And it's not a hat. It's a beret.
SpongeBob: A beret? Ooooh. Where can I get one?
Squidward: Sorry, SpongeBob. Berets are only worn for true artists, like moi.
Patrick: You're an artist?
Squidward: Yes, I'm an artist! What are you two bubbleheads doing, anyway?
SpongeBob: We're making arts and crafts. I've been learning the fine art of basket weaving. (holds up the basket he made with himself, Patrick, and Squidward on it) I made this one using designs of me and my best friends. And I also made this cute little scallop house. (little scallops come flying out and onto Squidward's face. Squidward shoos them away) And I made this wallet and I crocheted money to go in it. (holds up some bills)
Squidward: So, you've been counterfeiting currency? And what's doorknob number two been up to?
Patrick: (hits his basket with a hammer a few times and laughs) I've been making baskets too. (basket undos itself) Darn! This hammer is defective.
SpongeBob: Do you want to make crafts, too?
Squidward: Crafts? (blows a raspberry) This isn't summer camp. I am a true artiste. (walks off)
Patrick: Aw, man. I'll never make art like you and-- and Squidward! (cries)
SpongeBob: Hey, don't be sad. You can be an artist, too. I'll find something that will tap into your particular artistic skill set. Now let me see. Oh! This'll be perfect! (grabs a rock and puts it on the table) Now start with a rock...
Patrick: What?
SpongeBob: ...a little glue... (applies glue eyes to the rock)
Patrick: Uh...
SpongeBob: Stick on a couple of googly eyes...
Patrick: Whoa. Slow down, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: And presto... a rock with googly eyes.
Patrick: Whoa! I did not see that coming.
SpongeBob: Now you try. (gives Patrick a rock and some glue and eyes)
Patrick: I'm scared.
SpongeBob: You can do this.
Patrick: I shall make the attempt. (starts working on the rock) Privacy, please?
SpongeBob: Sorry. (turns around while Patrick grunts while finishing his rock)
Patrick: I've done it!
SpongeBob: Yeah! Let's take a look!
Patrick: (removes his hands) Behold!
SpongeBob: Uhh... Oh! Ooh, it's beautiful.
Patrick: I'm an artist!
SpongeBob & Patrick: Hooray!
Squidward: Hate.
Frederick: Why, hello, Mr. Tentacles. I'm Frederick T. Nitpick, world famous art critic! This is your artwork, I presume?
Squidward: Oh, it certainly is! This piece represents my struggle to reveal my genius to a moronic world. (pulls the sheet off the statue) Witness the Venus Di Squidward! Stunning, isn't it?
Frederick: My considered opinion is "Eww!" I'll have to confiscate your artist's beret. (takes Squidward's beret)
Squidward: What? No! No, you can't do that!
Frederick: Sorry, but I'm looking for a real artist.
Patrick: I'm an artist. Hooray!
Frederick: (walks towards Patrick) An artist, eh?
Squidward: What? I-- no! Come back!
Frederick: Now which one of you two is the artiste?
SpongeBob: We both are. It's lots of fun. Would you like to make something, too?
(Nitpick laughs heavily)
Frederick: I'm a critic. I don't make things. I judge things. I'm a judger. For instance, I judge your work... (examines SpongeBob's scallop house) lame. (walks over to Patrick)
Patrick: Don't judge me! (whimpers)
Frederick: (examines Patrick's rock) Holy guacamole frijoles. It's so-- so, primitive and naive. You're a genius!
Patrick: Is that good?
Frederick: I'll give you 500 bucks for it. And this hat. (puts the beret on Patrick's head)
Squidward: Hey!
Frederick: (puts money in Patrick's hand) You are a master artist, my friend (walks off)
Squidward: You can't give that dunderhead the artist hat.
Frederick: Who's the critic here? (walks off)
SpongeBob: Wow! Did you hear that, Squidward? Patrick is an artist!
Squidward: Oh-- (blows a raspberry) Selling one lousy piece doesn't make you an artist.
SpongeBob: How many lousy pieces have you sold, Squidward?
Squidward: Well about, umm... umm... Well I'll bet he won't sell another one of those ridiculous trinkets.
Ted: (walks up to Patrick) Hey there. I noticed your hat. Are you an artist?
Patrick: I sure am.
Ted: Do you have any art? I have a real craving for creativity.
Patrick: Uh...okay. (picks up a rock and puts glue and googly eyes all over it) Art!
Ted: Thanks, man. Here's fifty bucks! (drops the money in Patrick's hands and walks off)
Squidward: I'll bet he never sells another!
Sally: Hey, Ted, where'd you get that art?
Ted: From that pink genius over there.
Female Fish #1: I want to buy one.
Male Fish #1: Me too.
Male Fish #2: I also.
Squidward: I'll bet--
SpongeBob: (puts his finger on Squidward's nose) Squidward, I think we should have a little talk about your gambling problem.
Squidward: Hmmm! I actually want to go to work today! (walks off)
SpongeBob: (looks at watch) Whoa! I'm almost late to be early for work! See you later, Patrick. (runs off)
Patrick: So long, my dear earnest, yet untalented friend. (cut to Patrick selling his googly eye rocks in front of his house) One for you. (cash register dings) And one for you. (cash register dings) And one for... uh-- (Patrick looks around and sees no more rocks) I've run out of rocks to put googly eyes on. I've run out of rocks!
Harold: Got anything else?
Patrick: Uh... the artist needs alone time! (runs inside his home)
Harold: He's so eccentric.
Patrick: I'm all out of rocks. What am I gonna do now? That was my thing! Oh! (throws a bucket of black paint on a canvas and creates the "Starry Night" from Van Gogh) Tartar sauce. (throws the bucket away and brings back a giant boulder and drills and jackhammers it into "The Thinker") That stinks, too! (his stomach growls) The artist needs a lunch break. (cut to Krusty Krab where Patrick enters)
Squidward: Oh, not you again! May I take your order?
Patrick: (looks at menu) Hmmm... Mmm... I'm thinking about having a Krabby Patty.
Squidward: One Krabby Patty-- (lifts his hand up but Patrick grabs it)
Patrick: But I'm wondering if that might be too predictable. (releases Squidward's hand)
Squidward: Then what do you want?
Patrick: I don't know. I'm not feeling inspired at the moment. (SpongeBob walks out of the kitchen)
SpongeBob: Hiya, Patrick! Ordering up a delicious Krabby Patty?
Patrick: Maybe, I don't know. I'm in a creative slump.
SpongeBob: Oh, Patrick, that's terrible.
Squidward: Just order already!
Patrick: Okay. I want new ideas to satisfy my public hunger for my goodly goods.
Squidward: Off the menu! Choose something off the menu! We don't serve artistic advice here.
Patrick: Then why is it on the menu?
Squidward: What the--? What? (Mr. Krabs painted on "Artistic Advice - $25.00" on the menu in red paint)
Mr. Krabs: Get back to work, Squidward.
Squidward: In case you haven't noticed, (takes hat off his head) this is not an artist's hat! (panting)
Patrick: Ohh! You can borrow mine. (puts his hat on Squidward's head)
Squidward: Beautiful. (cut to SpongeBob seating Patrick at a table)
SpongeBob: Make yourself comfortable, Mr. Patrick. Our artistic consultant will be right with you. (Squidward is brought to the table) This is Mr. Tentacles. He'll be handling all your artistic-advice needs.
Squidward: Mm-hmm.
Patrick: Mm-hmm, pleasure.
SpongeBob: Here's your Krabby Patty. Shall I put it on your tab?
Patrick: Oh, yeah. Keep it open. We may be here all night! Let me just say up front, I'm a fan! I'm excited to learn from a master. My career and self-worth are in your hands! A lot is riding on this. Okay. Advise!
Squidward: (sighs) Why don't you just concentrate on your patty? (gets up and leaves)
Patrick: (gasps) Ah! Of course! It's so obvious now! How did I not see it earlier? Squidward's a genius! I know now what I must do! (gets some googly eyes from inside his pants and puts it on the Krabby Patty. Frederick comes out of the ketchup bottle that is on the table)
Frederick: Brilliant. (gives Patrick a bag full of money) I've never seen such an example of raw creativity. This will turn the art world on its head! I hereby declare this the next big thing... Thing... Thing! (customers rush to the Krusty Krab with money in their hand)
SpongeBob: You did it, Patrick! You found your inspiration.
Patrick: (holds up the bag of money) And I'm going to need some more of those patty thingies!
SpongeBob: You got it, buddy. (backflips into the kitchen and makes a lot of Krabby Patties. Flips them all onto Patrick's table, as he decorates them with googly eyes and customers give him a bag of money)
Mr. Krabs: Huh? (hears cash register dings) Ooh, money! Money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money! (opens the cash register and gasps. It's empty) What the--? (gasps again as he sees customers lining up for Patrick. SpongeBob flips more patties towards Patrick) Huh? SpongeBob! (grabs SpongeBob by the face) Patrick! (grabs Patrick by the face and throws them both into his office) What's the meaning of this?
Patrick: It's my art. I, I buy Krabby Patties for $3 and I...I sell them for $50. (Mr. Krabs gets steaming mad. SpongeBob and Patrick whimper)
Squidward: Ha and ha.
Patrick: Why is he so mad, Squidward? I was just following your advice.
Mr. Krabs: What?! It was your idea, huh? (cut to later where SpongeBob brings out a pan of Krabby Patties)
SpongeBob: Here's a whole new batch of Krabby Patty canvases.
Mr. Krabs: Great, SpongeBob. (to customer) That'll be fifty bucks.
Nat: (hands Mr. Krabs some money) It's so expensive.
Mr. Krabs: And here's your patty. One more art patty, Mr. Star!
Nat: It's such an honor to meet you.
Patrick: I can only imagine! Apprentice! Make another of my masterpieces, good man. (Squidward grabs some glue, eyes, and the patty) If you work real hard, you might be an artist too someday. (Squidward growls) Probably not. It needs more glitter. (Squidward cries)
End