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You Don't Know Sponge

(At the Krusty Krab. Squidward is distracted by loud ocean sounds being made by SpongeBob and Patrick in the kitchen.)
Squidward: Can you two be quiet?
(SpongeBob and Patrick try to refrain from making the sounds but then make them again even louder)
Squidward: Didn't think so. What are you barnacle heads doing anyway?
SpongeBob: Patrick and I are practicing our favorite noises. Mine is a dolphin laughing. (Makes dolphin call sound)
Patrick: And my favorite is the plaintiff song of the blue whale. (Clears throat, makes whale sound)
(Elsewhere, a whale walking down the street is distracted)
Whale: Huh? Did you hear that?
Fish: What's wrong, Frank?
Whale: That song … it sounds just like Martha!
Fish: Frank, how many times to I have to tell you? Martha's no good for you, she's just no good!
(Back at the Krusty Krab)
Squidward: Why would you want to practice such horrible sounds?
SpongeBob: It's one of the activities in our favorite magazines – Simple-ton! (Shows magazine) A ton of simple things to do.
Squidward: Must be very mentally challenging for you.
SpongeBob: Oh, it is.
Patrick: Yeah, it made me look more smart-like. (To SpongeBob) What does the magazine say we should do next?
SpongeBob: (Opens it) Well, let's take a look. (Thumbs through) I think we've done everything in this issue. Oh, except for this one! "The Best Friend Quiz. Do you really know your best friend?" Oh this should be easy. Patrick and I know everything about each other.
Squidward: Well, you two have fun with your mutual ignoramus society. (Removes head from order window)
SpongeBob: Bye, Squidward!
Squidward: Morons.
SpongeBob and Patrick: Bye again!
SpongeBob: You go first, Patrick.
Patrick: Oh no, after you, old buddy.
SpongeBob: Au contraire, after you, mon ami.
Patrick: Please, after you, pal.
SpongeBob: No no no no no, after you, bestest fri- (Gets hit by boot)
Squidward: Just pick one! And there's another three where that came from!
SpongeBob: I'll go first. (Puts on glasses) Question #1. What is your best friend's favorite color? Hmm, I'm thinking … (Snaps fingers) Aquamarine!
Patrick: (Raises hand) I hate to burst your bubble, but my favorite color is … (Lowers hand) It is aquamarine. Sorry I doubted you.
SpongeBob: No problem. Is your best friend right or left handed? The answer is, right handed!
(Patrick is drawing on the wall with his right hand)
Patrick: How did you know?
SpongeBob: Simple, Patrick. It's because you're my best friend.
Patrick: Awww.
SpongeBob: Is your best friend's belly button an innie or an outie?
Patrick: Oh! (Drags register boat to cover belly) No peeking!
SpongeBob: Haha, no need to peek, Patrick. I can do this with my eyes closed. (Closes eyes) You have …
Patrick: What will his answer be?
Squidward: The suspense is killing me.
SpongeBob: An innie!
Patrick: Well, let's just check that theory. (Steps out from behind boat and looks at belly button) An innie! Wow, how does he do it?
Squidward: Magic. (Picks up boat and walks away)
Patrick: Oh, my turn! But give me some hard questions, not like those softballs you answered.
SpongeBob: OK. First question. What is your best friend's favorite color?
Patrick: Aw, man. Pulling out the big guns. Color … color …
(SpongeBob raises hand)
Patrick: No hints! Blue! Uh, no, clear! No, that's not it … hold on, hold on … fourteen!
SpongeBob: The answer is … beige.
Patrick: Oh barnacles! Oh, I was so close!
SpongeBob: Question #2. Is your best friend left handed or right handed?
Patrick: (Pacing) Oh, tricky, tricky. Right, or left. Right handed!
SpongeBob: Sorry, Patrick. I'm ambidextrous! (Sprouts extra arms and scribbles on magazine)
Patrick: Fish paste.
SpongeBob: Next question. Does your best friend have an innie or an outie belly button?
Patrick: Belly button, huh? Hmm. An innie!
SpongeBob: Sorry, Patrick. I have an outie. (Shows it)
Patrick: Tartar sauce!
SpongeBob: Well I'm sure you'll get the next one right. What is your best friend's favorite food?
Patrick: Uhhh …
(SpongeBob holds up Krabby Patty and sign that says "Krabby Patty")
Patrick: (Snaps fingers) Oh, oh, I remember! Your favorite food is a Chum Burger.
Spongebob: No.
Patrick: I thought for sure I had that one.
SpongeBob: OK, let's try an easy one. (Throws magazine away) Is your best friend a boy or a girl?
Patrick: Oooh, that's a toughie. Hmm. Rugged biceps, yet delicate eyelashes. Pass.
SpongeBob: (Hat deflates) Last question.
Patrick: This is for the win!
SpongeBob: What shape is your best friend?
Patrick: Oh, I got this one. Um, uh, can you repeat the question?
SpongeBob: What shape is your best friend, SpongeBob SquarePants? (Draws square in air)
Patrick: Round, flat, hexagon …
SpongeBob: SquarePants.
Patrick: It's right on the tip of my tongue.
SpongeBob: Five seconds. (Holds up clock)
Patrick: (Babbling) Triangle!
SpongeBob: Time's up! Uh, no.
(In the main dining room)
Squidward: (Fixing boat) Idiots wrecking my boat …
(SpongeBob and Patrick come out of the kitchen)
Squidward: So, who won your stupid quiz?
Patrick: It was a tie.
SpongeBob: Well, it wasn't a tie, but we had lots of fun!
Squidward: (Snatches magazine) Let me see that. (Reads answers) A triangle? (Laughs) Patrick didn't know anything about you! And he's supposed to be your best friend?
Patrick: I know! It's like we're not friends at all.
SpongeBob: Now now, Patrick may not have passed the quiz, but like a true best friend he's always right here for me, right Patrick? Patrick?
(Patrick is outside at an ice cream truck)
Patrick: Ice cream!
Squidward: Looks like your best friend isn't a friend at all. (Laughs)
(SpongeBob goes outside)
Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob! I got you an ice cream. (Hands him an ice cream cone)
SpongeBob: Thank you, best friend Patrick.
Patrick: It's your favorite. Dill pickle swirl with mustard and extra bacon bits.
SpongeBob: Patrick, this is your favorite ice cream. My favorite is plain vanilla.
Patrick: Oh. Oh, right. (Takes ice cream back) Well, more ice cream for me.
(SpongeBob tears up)
Patrick: Oh, can I borrow five bucks?
SpongeBob: (Holds out money) Here, take your dirty rotten money! (Throws it on the ground) I don't even know you anymore! (Runs away crying)
Ice cream vendor: Eh, what's with him?
Patrick: I guess he didn't want any ice cream.
(At SpongeBob's house. SpongeBob lies on his bed, crying. Gary is irritated by the tears landing in his bowl.)
Gary: Meow. (Tears blast Gary in face) Meow.
SpongeBob: It just isn't fair. Aw, who needs Patrick anyways. (Leaves pineapple) Rest of my life, here I come! (Walks past Patrick's rock)
Patrick: Hey there, SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: (To self) Be strong, be strong, be strong, be strong! (Out loud) Good afternoon, Mr. Star. (Walks away)
Patrick: See you later!
(At Sandy's treedome)
SpongeBob: (Cries) Oh, Sandy, it was awful, truly awful! We were like complete strangers!
Sandy: You don't need to know everything about your best friend. That's what keeps the friendship interesting.
SpongeBob: Really?
Sandy: Maybe you and Patrick just need some time apart.
SpongeBob: Yeah, I'll have lots of fun without Patrick! (Gets up and walks to exit before bursting into tears again)
Sandy: What a crybaby.
(Cut to SpongeBob walking)
SpongeBob: I don't need Patrick. I can have a good time all by myself. I could go jellyfishing! (Pulls out net) Patrick and I used to go jellyfishing. (Throws net away) I could play leapfrog! (Jumps over rock then pulls it on top of himself) I could blow bubbles! (Blows bubble in the shape of Patrick) Maybe not. (Sighs)
Patrick: (From a distance) Leedle leedle leedle lee!
SpongeBob: It's Patrick!
Patrick: Leedle leedle lee.
SpongeBob: I can't let him see me! (Buries himself)
Patrick: Leedle leedle lee. (Jumps hole with SpongeBob in)
(SpongeBob peeks out)
SpongeBob: Well, he doesn't seem to be missing me at all.
Patrick: Leedle leedle lee.
SpongeBob: Nice that he's gotten over our friendship so quickly.
(Patrick enters the gym, still singing)
SpongeBob: Patrick works out at the gym? (Looks through binoculars. Sees Patrick and Larry leave gym.) And he's hanging out with Larry the Lobster? Maybe I don't know much about Patrick, either.
(Patrick and Larry enter Cooking Supplies store)
SpongeBob: (From blender) Patrick's shopping for cookery? Very suspicious. (Gasps and hides in blender) He's coming back! (Patrick turns blender on. SpongeBob turns it off and pours onto the counter.)
(Cut to magic store. Patrick and Larry make purchases and leave. SpongeBob is hiding in a top and and bounces out of the store after them.)
SpongeBob: Hold it right there, Patrick! (Pops out of hat)
Larry: Hi, SpongeBob!
Patrick: We were just coming to see you.
SpongeBob: Oh, I'll bet you were. To tell me about your new best friend Larry, I suppose?
Larry: Whoa, settle down, little dude. I don't want to get in the middle of … whatever this is. (Backs away)
Patrick: While Larry is a great guy with loads of talent and good looks …
SpongeBob: I know, he is pretty amazing.
Patrick: He's not my best friend. He was just helping me buy a present.
SpongeBob: Who for, Sandy?
Patrick: No, for my real best friend, SpongeBob SquarePants! (Hands bag to SpongeBob)
SpongeBob: Really? For me? What is it? (Takes novelty glasses out of bag) I love it! You do know me, best friend!
Patrick: (Wearing novelty glasses) I got a pair for me, too!
SpongeBob: Oh, you're the bestest best friend, Patrick! (Puts glasses on) How do I look?
Patrick: (Screams) How should I know, mysterious stranger? (Runs away)
(SpongeBob sighs)
End