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Sponge-Cano!

(Squidward is looking into a mirror of himself and is about to paint in his house)
Squidward: (hears SpongeBob singing outside) Is that supposed to be singing? (paintbrushes fall onto floor) I am putting that one on SpongeBob. (to SpongeBob) Would you clam up, SpongeBob ? I'm trying to paint in here.
SpongeBob: (singing) I cherish my fellow residents.
Squidward: SpongeBob, why are you doing this?
SpongeBob: Oh, I'm just displaying for all to see an attitude of gratitude.
Squidward: Gratitude? You've been wallowing in filth all morning. What could you possibly be grateful for?
SpongeBob: Hit it, boys! (green slimy monsters in the trashcan appear and imitate breaking wind in rhythm)

---------------
Oh, I've got an whole new, attitude
A lifetime subscription to Gratitude
Friend, you've got to change your latitude
Live an attitude of gratitude

I'm grateful for the life I am living
Who knows how long I will have it
I'm thankful for all I've been given
We make appreciation a habit

There's no time like the present day
To have a present come your way (all you have to do it grab it)
So now I think that you will see (you'll see)
There's nothing more you need

My friend this ain't no platitude (platitude)
Just an attitude of gratitude (gratitude)
Or in your case, Squidward,
An attitude of hat-itude! (laughs)
---------------

Squidward: Keep you and your gratitude, 'cause bring your neighbor leaves me with nothing to be grateful for! (slips on the paintbrushes that fell on the floor. Falls downstairs and busts a pipe into leaking)
SpongeBob: Wow, Squidward. You should really consider getting your plumbing looked at.
Squidward: This is all your fault.
SpongeBob: Don't worry, buddy. I can give you a hand.
Squidward: No, you have helped me enough. I don't want your help ever again!
SpongeBob: No problem, pal. (snaps and walks away)
Squidward: Moron. (uses a wrench to tighten the bolt on the pipe. He tightens it too much) Stupid pipe. (watch beeps) Oh, great, now I'm late for work! (cut to Krusty Krab)
Scooter: Whoa, ho ho ho, slow down, Speedster! (laughs)
Squidward: Go jump in a coral bed.
Mr. Krabs: Mr. Squidward, how many times do i have to tell ya, the customers' jokes are always funny! Now give the gentlemen a chuckle.
Squidward: Ha ha ha. (groans)
Scooter: I knew you'd eventually get it, dude. (laughs. SpongeBob is looking at Squidward and breaking heavily through the kitchen window)
Squidward: Stop staring, SpongeBob. You're effecting my productivity.
Sandals: I would like to order one Krabby Patty.
Squidward: That'll be 3 dollars.
Customer: (shows a lot of coins in his hand) Do you accept pennies?
Squidward: I don't have time to count all that.
Customer: Oh, well, have it your way. I'll just take my loose change elsewhere!
Squidward: Oh, please do. I'm trying to get some work done here. Sheesh. Some people just want to waste your time. (a blue fish is tapping his feet at a table) Hey, buddy, how am I supposed to focus with all of that incessant tapping? And what do you think you're doing, sir?
Nat: I'm holding the door for the nice lady.
Squidward: No, you're not. You're leaving your grubby fin-prints all over the glass, and now yours truly is gonna have to clean it up. Why does everyone insist on making my job so difficult? (points at a customer) You always leave trash on the table. (points at another customer) Your teeth chatter! (points to another customer) Your hat annoys me. (points to another customer) You take too long in the restroom.
SpongeBob: (singing) Attitude.
Squidward: And SpongeBob, would you quit singing that song?
SpongeBob: What's the matter, Squidward? Don't you have an attitude of gratitude?
Squidward: (sighs) SpongeBob, I hate my job, and I live in a dead-end town with neighbors I can't stand. I'm the most miserable person in Bikini Bottom. What do I have to be thankful for?
SpongeBob: Well, it could be worse.
Squidward: How could life in Bikini Bottom possibly get any worse? (volcano erupts)
Nat: Mount Bikini Bottom's erupting!
SpongeBob: That's how.
Fish: Cool.
Scooter: Look, the roof! (the lava burns through holes in the Krusty Krab roof. Everyone runs around and screams)
Mr. Krabs: Ah, you lemmings. Afraid of a little lav-er? (some lava gets on the cash register and melts it) Cashy! No! Make it stop raining this fiery destruction! (sobs)
SpongeBob: Sorry to interupt your crying, Mr. Krabs, but shouldn't we get to a place that at least doesn't have a roof with lava coming through it? (roof opens up more as everyone runs out of the Krusty Krab) Fear not, shelter can't be far--
Mr. Krabs: Oh, why even bother, SpongeBob? Can't you see? Civilization as we know is crumbling into dust! Civic orders is in tatters. It's every man for himself! There's no other way! I'm gonna need your life essence. (grabs a hold of SpongeBob and Squidward)
Elderly Female Fish: What are you boys doing out still? Plenty of room at the Volcano Shelter! But no more roughhousing. You got that?
Mr. Krabs: (lets go of SpongeBob and Squidward) Oh, yes, of course, ma'am. Try and behave yourselves, fellers. (cut to the Volcano Shelter)
Mayor: No need to get excited, citizens. Your government is working tirelessly to defeat this evil volcano.
Citizen #1: What are we gonna do?
Mayor: Don't worry. We've got it under control.
Citizen #1: Under control?! Half the city is on fire! You call that under control? Huh, do ya? (police escort him away) The end is near, Mayor!
Citizen #2: That guy's onto something. What are you hiding from us, Mayor? Do you have some secret? Is the end near?
SpongeBob: Mr. Mayor! Mr. Mayor, please. I've got something.
Mayor: Yes, boy? How do you purpose we stop the volcano?
SpongeBob: Actually, I just had a question about these parking tickets. I don't have a car.
Squidward: Oh, boy. Moron.
Mayor: We're doomed!
Ancient Warrior: (opens doors and laughs) You fools!
Mayor: Who are you?
Ancient Warrior: I am an ancient warrior from long ago, the last of my kind, who ruled over the ocean from before the dawn of time. But alas, my people were wiped out by the same volcano that plagues you now.
Citizen #2: Then how did you survive?
Ancient Warrior: (laughs) I survived, because I was the only one who knew how to stop it.
Citizen #2: Well, don't keep us in suspense. How did you stop it?
Ancient Warrior: You must make a sacrifice! (everyone gasps)
Citizen #2: What kind of sacrifice?
Ancient Warrior: A sacrifice must be made of the most miserable person.
Citizen #2: I knew it. We have to sacrifice the most miserable person.
Citizen #3: And who would that be?
Citizen #2: Well, it certainly isn't me. (everyone argues)
SpongeBob: Hey, Squidward, who do you think is the most miserable person?
Squidward: Don't know, don't care. (walks off)
SpongeBob: But, Squidward, it's imperative that we--
Squidward: (imitates SpongeBob) But, Squidward, it is imperative that we-- (back to own voice) nothing! I think I'd rather take my chances with the volcano than be stuck in this miserable barnacle-hole...with you and the citizens of Dumb-Dumb Town. (everyone is angry at Squidward)
Citizen #4: Oh, oh, we're idiots now?
Squidward: What? (cut to the crowd carrying Squidward towards the volcano) You idiots. You've got the wrong guy!
Citizen #5: We heard you complaining about the fingerprints.
Nat: And the foot-tapping.
Customer: And my loose change.
Citizen #6: And my teeth! (points to fish with tall, green hat) And his hat.
Scooter: And you called your pipe stupid.
Fish: And the fact that you said you were the most miserable person in Bikini Bottom. (plays the tape recorder)
Squidward: (on tape recorder) I'm the most miserable person in Bikini Bottom!. (real Squidward groans and mumbles) Let me down, you goons!
Mayor: Sorry, Mr. Tentacles. Throw him in, fellas.
Squidward: No!
SpongeBob: Wait! It was I who makes Squidward miserable. Throw me in instead.
Mayor: Works for me. (crowd puts Squidward down)
Squidward: Well, I'm glad that y'all came to your senses. Bunch of ingrates. C'mon, SpongeBob, jump in. (slips off the volcano but hangs onto the ledge)
SpongeBob: Squidward!
Squidward: (screams) SpongeBob, help!
SpongeBob: I'd love to, Squidward, but you said to not help you ever again, and that being my neighbor left you with nothing to be grateful for. I made a promise.
Squidward: I-I take it back! (whimpering) Please, SpongeBob, I didn't mean any of that. I do appreciate your friendship. I am grateful. I...I... (sniveling) I'm grateful for the life I'm living. Who knows how long I'll have it? I learned that from you, remember? Good-bye, everyone! (SpongeBob grabs him before he hits the lava) Huh?
SpongeBob: Squidward, I always knew you felt that way. (pulls him up) Aw, buddy, thanks for finally opening up to us. (Squidward's pipe, at home, bursts and sends the house into the volcano, upside-down)
Squidward: My house!
Ancient Warrior: Oh, now the volcano is appeased!
Squidward: But I thought you said a sacrifice had to be made of the most miserable person.
Ancient Warrior: (chuckles) No, you didn't let me finish. I was trying to say a sacrifice of the most miserable person's house. No one ever listens to me. (laughs and flies away)
Squidward: You know, SpongeBob, in light of everything that just happened, I lied to you. I am not grateful for anything. I mean, look at me. I don't even have a roof to sleep under anymore.
SpongeBob: Well, I wouldn't say that. (cut to SpongeBob setting his alarm clock and then flicking Squidward's nose, who is in the same bed with SpongeBob)
Squidward: Go away. (turns out the light)
End