Squidward in Clarinetland
Squidward: (contented sigh) What a day! (rides his bike up to the Krusty Krab. Squidward enters, backs up and gets his hat. SpongeBob enters and squishes Squidward with the door)
SpongeBob: Good morning Krusty Krab! (sees Squidward) Oops. Sorry Squidward. Didn't see you there.
Squidward: (Still smiling) Not a problem SpongeBob. Not a problem at all!
Mr. Krabs: Specials? We don't have specials! (scratches the blackboard)
Squidward: Good morning sir! Welcome to the Krusty Krab.
Customer: Uh... I'll think I'll have a Krabby patty. (his bad breath odor does not affect Squidward)
Squidward: One Krabby Patty coming up!
Mr. Krabs: Mr. Squidward, you're in a chipper mood this morning. Did you get an order of fancy decorative soaps in the mail or something?
Squidward: Even better. I have a clarinet recital immediately after work today, so ain't nothing gonna ruin my day. (baby squirts milk onto the clarinet case)
Mother: Ooh, ooh, terribly sorry, sir.
Squidward: No need! See? Not a drop! (baby drools on his clarinet)
Squidward: (growls) I can't take this anymore!
Mr. Krabs: I told you. There's no early bird special. Now stop calling me here, mother! (hangs up phone)
Squidward: This is unacceptable.
Mr. Krabs: What?
Squidward: This! (points to his clarinet)
Mr. Krabs: Nice to have ya back Squidward.
Squidward: This is an outrage! I will no longer tolerate my personal items being soiled by the ravels that crawls in this restaurant! I demand a place to put my stuff.
Mr. Krabs: Hmm, okay. Uh, I suppose you could put it with the nacho cheese. No one's got near that in years.
Squidward: You ever read this, Krabs? (shows him a book)
Mr. Krabs: Bikini Bottom Labor Regulations? Ew, gross! (grows hives) Get that thing away from me. It's giving me hives!
Squidward: It specifically states that all employers must provide his or her employees with a secure, clean place to store personal property.
Mr. Krabs: Aah, blast you Squidward. You drive a hard bargain. I guess I could rustle somthing up for ya.
SpongeBob: Yeah, sizzle those juices. (makes sizzling sounds)
(Krabs brings a rusty locker)
Mr. Krabs: Oh, here we go! Found it!
SpongeBob: Wow, what is it? (Spiders eat SpongeBobs arm down to the bone)
Mr. Krabs: It's me old navy locker. Good as new! (opens and some bones are in there)
SpongeBob: Who is that Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: Uh, appears to be Corporal Sterling, lad. Heh...forgot all about that prank. (empties the locker) Squidward, your locker is ready.
SpongeBob: Ooh, do we get to share our lockers like we share hairnets?
Squidward: Not in a whale's age.
Mr. Krabs: Now, not so fast, Mr. Squidward. The law requires that all employees have a secure place for personal items. So you are required by law to share.
Squidward: Oh, I suppose I can share, but only since it requires by law. Hey, this thing is filthy! You don't expect me to clean it?
SpongeBob: (wearing a hairnet and carrying a bucket) No, he doesn't. And I don't either. (dusts off the locker and sprays it down to get it clean)
Mr. Krabs: Blimey! She hasn't sparkled like this since boot camp. Carry on, boys.
Squidward: Impressive indeed. Just keep your grubby little hands to your side.
SpongeBob: You got it, Squidward. Finally I have a clean place to store my toothbrush.
Squidward: Just don't touch my clarinet!
SpongeBob: I promise nothing untoward will happen.
Squidward: Order up, SpongeBob. (walks over to SpongeBob who is looking in the locker) SpongeBob! What do you think you're doing? You're supposed to be fry-cooking. I told you not to touch my stuff!
SpongeBob: I didn't. I wore protective gloves. And besides, don't you like how classy it look now?
SpongeBob: Now I'd like to stand by and idly chat with you, Squidward, but I must attend to my Krusty Krab duties. In the future, please keep your interruptions to a minimum sir, please. (cut to SpongeBob walking in with boxes of appliances)
Squidward: And here's your change, ma'am. What is that idiot doing now? (throws change on ground)
Customer #2: Loose change! (people try to collect but Mr. Krabs comes in and apelike yells to scare them off)
Squidward: I hope you're not trying to shove the boxes into that locker.
SpongeBob: Too late. it's already done.
Squidward: If you smashed my clarinet, so help me, Neptune, I will... (opens locker and is surprised)
SpongeBob: Don't worry Squidward. There's plenty of room! (SpongeBob and Squidward walk inside the locker) I expanded a bit.
Squidward: Well it's all fine and dandy, but where's my clarinet?
SpongeBob: Well, that's simple. We just simply consult the card catalog and find Squidward's Clarinet drawer 36.8-B. (opens drawer and it shows Squidward's clarinet) See?
Squidward: Fine. but remember, it is vitally important that nothing happens to it.
SpongeBob: Don't worry buddy! (slams drawer shut hard) You're in good hands. (cut to Squidward flopping a tray of food on the customer's table)
Squidward: Eat up. (drilling noises are heard in the back) What's he doing?
Customer #3: May I order please?
Squidward: Alright, what do you want? (drilling noises)
Customer #3: I'll have... (drill whirring) Is everything ok back there?
Squidward: Yeah,jJust a bit of, um, renovation. (sawing and banging are heard)
Squidward: My clarinet! SpongeBob! (opens locker and goes inside) SpongeBob? There. 36.8-B. (opens drawer and gasps) A note?
SpongeBob: Item has temporarily moved during reconstruction. Relocated to shelf 1018.2-E.
Squidward: SpongeBob! 1018.2-E. (opens drawer) Another note?
SpongeBob: Oops! Did I say 1018.2-E? I meant 2019.3-M. Sorry.
Squidward: SpongeBob? SpongeBob? (SpongeBob is laughing and running) SpongeBob, Wait! What have you done to my... (turns around after hitting a corner. Sees an empty hole and crawls through) SpongeBob, I do not play games. (opens the curtain and sees a 'clarinetland. Gasps) Where am I? What is this place? (his clarinet is jumping up and down in front of him) My clarinet! (can't grab it) What the...? (SpongeBob is running away with the clarinet) Hey, come back! I need my clarinet! Come back! Where are you? Sponge... (runs into a giant Eagle's head)
Eagle Head: I am the keeper of the Horn-ed forest. State your business here.
Squidward: I-I'm trying to find my clarinet.
Eagle Head: Your clarinet?
Squidward: Yes, my clarinet, of which I am the proud owner. (Eagle belly laughs)
Eagle Head: A clarinet is not owned. Why don't you tell me why your really here?
Squidward: You calling me a liar? (Eagle grabs Squidward with his tongue)
Eagle Head: I don't appreciate your tone.
Squidward: I-I'm sorry. I-I didn't mean to offend you.
Eagle Head: This is a sacred place, where clarinets live without persecution. You need to learn respect.
Squidward: (Eagle squeezes Squidward) I've...learned. I've learned respect.
Eagle Head: I don't believe you. (swallows Squidward. Inside, Squidward sees SpongeBob)
Squidward: Stand still, you idiot. I got you now. (grabs SpongeBob and falls into a different room. When he gets in the room, he is not holding SpongeBob)
Squidward: Aha! What the...? SpongeBob? SpongeBob! (SpongeBob is handing upside-down, laughing. The hole disappears. The Squidward's in the mirrors mess around with Squidward as he runs away and get spit out a giant clarinet into a pinball machine)
Patrick: I win! I win! (grabs Squidward and holds him in his palm) Hey! What are you doing here?
Squidward: You tell me what in the wide world of sports is this place? And how did you get so big?
Patrick: Hmm, must be all the pressure.
Squidward: What are you talking about?
Patrick: It must be...the pressure. (ground starts shaking) I gotta get out of here!
Squidward: Where are you going, you imbecile? (as Patrick runs away, SpongeBob runs past Squidward, who gets sucked up in a vacuum. They are no in space where Squidward is giving chase to SpongeBob) Almost...gotcha! (Squidward crashes into the locker then melts)
Mr. Krabs: (laughing as he and SpongeBob walk into the Krusty Krab kitchen) I just sweet talked an old lady out of twenty bucks for a Krabby Patty! (laughs)
SpongeBob: Squidward, are you okay?
Squidward: (mumbling) It was such a nightmare!
SpongeBob: Squidward, what are you trying to say, buddy?
Squidward: (coughs and pants) I tried to get my clarinet in there and it's impossible.
SpongeBob: Clari... Oh, you mean this! (gets out Squidward's clarinet from behind him)
Squidward: (gulps) Where did you get that?
SpongeBob: Well, with all the ruckus you were making over it, I kept it with me just to make sure it was safe. (Squidward growls) Call it a friendly gesture!
Squidward: I'll show you a friendly gesture! Do you know the horror I've endured? (throws SpongeBob in the locker) Let's see how you like it! (locks it with chains, drags it outside, and throws it in a bus. The bus is now going to 'Far Far Away') Ah... (cut to clarinet auditions)
Director: Are you ready, Mr. Squidward?
Squidward: Yes, yes I am. As a matter of fact, you wouldn't believe what I had to go through to get... (SpongeBob pops out of his clarinet case. Squidward screams)
SpongeBob: Hi, Squidward! You wouldn't believe what I had to go through to get here. (Squidward screams and runs out) Hmm. I was just going to bring him his clarinet.