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Yours, Mine and Mine

(Opens outside Krusty Krab.)
Squidward: Can I help you?
(Cut to inside Krusty Krab, where Squidward is serving Patrick.)
Patrick: Yeah … uh, let's see here. (Squints at the menu board.) I have a question about the Krabby Kiddie Meal. Is it really, really, really cute?
Squidward: (Impatiently.) Adorable.
Patrick: Cuter than a regular Krabby Patty?
Squidward: Yes.
(SpongeBob appears in the order window.)
SpongeBob: Psssst! Patrick, get the Krabby Kiddie Meal. Look, a regular Krabby Patty here – (Places one on the sill.) - a Krabby Kiddie Patty here – (Places one next to the regular patty.) 30% cuter! And it only costs one dollar more.
Patrick: (Pointing.) Oh, yeah, yeah yeah yeah, I want that!
(SpongeBob enters the main restaurant with the Kiddie Meal box displayed proudly on a tray.)
Squidward: (Holds out tentacle.) That'll be 4.99.
Patrick: (Rummages through pockets.) Is this enough? (Pulls out string, a paper clip and a thumb tack.)
Squidward: No.
SpongeBob: Sorry, Patrick.
Patrick: Oh, crud! (Starts to cry.) That's everything I've got!
SpongeBob: I have an idea – we can buy it together and share it!
Patrick: (Hopefully.) Share it?
SpongeBob: Sure. You see, sharing is the most wonderful -
Patrick: Yeah, yeah, yeah. (Takes SpongeBob's wallet out of his pocket.) I'm familiar with the concept of sharing. (Takes some money out and hands it to Squidward.)
(Cut to Patrick sat at a table eating whilst SpongeBob is happily mopping the floor.)
Patrick: Sharing is fun – (Takes a bite of the patty.) - huh, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: (Giggling.) Oh, yeah!
(Patrick finishes the patty.)
SpongeBob: Are – are you gonna save some of that for me?
Patrick: What?
SpongeBob: (Downcast.) Nothing.
Patrick: (Shaking the now empty Kiddie Meal box.) Hey, where's the toy?
SpongeBob: Oh, it doesn't come with a toy.
Patrick: What? That's a rip-off! (Pushes the box away.) I want my money back!
(Cut to Mr. Krabs in his office, bathing in bill by candlelight.)
Mr. Krabs: (Panicking.) Money back?! (He runs into the main restaurant with a towel around his waist.) What's the problem here?
Patrick: (Angrily.) My Kiddie Meal didn't come with a toy!
Mr. Krabs: Hmm. And you'd like to upgrade to the toy package, is that right?
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, the Krusty Krab doesn't have any toys.
Mr. Krabs: (Winking.) Oh, really? (He swipes a patty from an unsuspecting customer, then turns around and does something to it.) Then what do you call … this? (He presents the patty, now with a face and bendy straws for arms and legs.)
(SpongeBob and Patrick gasp in amazement.)
SpongeBob: An official Krusty Krab licensed toy? (He gazes at it, breathing deeply.) My purpose in life is to have you as my toy. (He strokes it.)
Mr. Krabs: (Pulls it away.) Disgusting. (Clears his throat.) Yep, it's pretty special all right and it can be yours for only – (SpongeBob pulls out a wad of cash.) Hey, good lookin'! (He trades the money for the toy, then runs back to his office, leaving a "Do Not Disturb" sign on his door.)
SpongeBob: (Hugs the patty.) I love you, officially licensed Krabby Patty toy. No, too formal. I think I'll call you … Patty Pall! (He starts to dance in a circle with Patty Pal, laughing and singing.)
Patrick: Am I interrupting?
SpongeBob: Oh, hey Patrick! Have you met my new toy?
Patrick: Don't you mean OUR new toy?
SpongeBob: Our new toy?
Patrick: It came from the meal that we're "sharing".
SpongeBob: (Uncertainly.) Sharing?
Patrick: Remember? (Imitates SpongeBob.) Sharing is the most wonderful feeling in the world, like dancing with a magical seahorse through an enchanted kelp garden! Remember those words, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: I didn't say that. (Sadly.) But I guess we can share Patty Pal.
(Patrick takes it and begins to laugh.)
SpongeBob: Now can I see it again, Patrick?
Patrick: (Snatches it away.) I thought we were sharing it?
SpongeBob: When's my turn?
Patrick: Aren't you supposed to be working?
(Mr. Krabs peers out of his office.)
SpongeBob: (Grabs a mop.) Ahaha, of course!
(Cut to closing time. Mr. Krabs locks up and leaves SpongeBob and Patrick outside the Krusty Krab.)
SpongeBob: (Holds out his hands.) Now is it my turn?
Patrick: No. (He beings to walk home. SpongeBob follows.)
SpongeBob: How about now?
Patrick: Nah, maybe tomorrow.
SpongeBob: (Sighs.) Night night, Patty Pal.
Patrick: No touching! See you tomorrow. (Jumps into his rock.) Say goodnight, Patty Pal. (Talks through Patty Pal.) Goodnight, SpongeBob! (Closes rock.)
SpongeBob: Goodnight. (Goes home.)
(SpongeBob walks into his bedroom, pulls his tie and is instantly dressed in pajamas. He climbs into bed.)
SpongeBob: Poor Patrick. He's only got the Patty Pal for tonight and he'll be asleep and won't get to play with it at all, ha ha ha ha!
(Cut to Patrick's rock. It is bouncing in time to music.)
(Cut to inside the rock, where Patrick is dancing with Patty Pal.)
(Cut to morning. SpongeBob's alarm clock sounds and he jumps out of bed excitedly, startling Gary.)
SpongeBob: Yes, today is MY Patty Pal day! Oh, this is gonna be fun!
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: Gary, of course Patrick will give me my turn with the Patty Pal.
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: Gary, you can be a real negative Nancy. (He turns and leaves.)
Gary: (Insolently.) Meow.
SpongeBob: I heard that. (He leaves the pineapple in high spirits and heads over to Patrick's house.) La la la la sharing, do do do do caring, taking turns, de do do do … (He knocks on Patrick's rock, which is still pulsing with music.) Good morning, Patrick!
Patrick: (The music stops suddenly.) Uh! I'm not home right now, please leave a message, eeeee!
SpongeBob: (Frowning.) Patrick, it's me, SpongeBob, it's my turn to play with the toy.
Patrick: I can't go out, I just washed my hair.
SpongeBob: You don't have any h – come on out, Patrick, it's my turn!
Patrick: (Reaches a hand out from under the rock.) Got any ID?
SpongeBob: I have my milkshake dispenser operator's license. (He hands it to Patrick.)
Patrick: Hmmm … looks fake to me, pal. (He gives it back.) Bye bye, now.
SpongeBob: Well, I guess I had best be going. I'm walking away. (Pretends to do so.) Here I go. (Whispers.) I'm gone now. (Hides on top of the rock.)
Patrick: Sure?
SpongeBob: Pretty sure.
(Patrick opens the rock and steps out.)
SpongeBob: Hi, Patrick! Time to share!
Patrick: Deceiver, you didn't leave at all!
SpongeBob: Oh, and you were washing your hair?
Patrick: I was too, see! (Holds up his arm and shows his freshly washed armpit hair.)
(SpongeBob leaps from the rock and lands neatly next to Patrick.)
Patrick: Nice dismount.
SpongeBob: I'm working on it.
Patrick: Well, gotta go.
SpongeBob: (Grabs his pants.) Hold on, buster! Hand over the toy, it's my turn!
Patrick: I can't; Patty Pal and me have really bonded.
SpongeBob: Oh, Gary was so right about you – you're a non-sharer!
Patrick: Gary said that? You're off my friend list Gary!
Gary: Meow. (Leaves and goes into the pineapple.)
SpongeBob: Hand it over, Patrick, I get to play with the Patty Pal today!
Patrick: You can't take it! (Stamping.) It's not fair!
SpongeBob: (Grabs the toy, but Patrick won't let go.) How about I only take it for half a day?
(Patrick refuses.)
SpongeBob: How about we trade off every hour?
(Patrick refuses.)
SpongeBob: Every half hour?
(Patrick refuses.)
SpongeBob: Every 15 minutes? 5 minutes? 1 minute?
Patrick: No!
SpongeBob: OK, my final offer, we trade off every second! (Grabs the toy.)
Patrick: One. (Takes it back.)
SpongeBob: One. (Takes it back.)
Patrick: One! (Takes it back, then runs.)
(SpongeBob steams with anger, then begins to chase him. They run through Squidward's house, screaming and fighting.)
Squidward: I hate them.
(They run into Sandy's treedome.)
Sandy: Howdy, Patrick, SpongeBob! (They tumble at her feet.)
Patrick and SpongeBob: (In unison.) Hi, Sandy.
Sandy: What in tarnation's going on with you two?
Patrick: (They both stand up.) SpongeBob won't let me play with my toy!
SpongeBob: Patrick won't share OUR toy!
Sandy: What you need is a mediator. (They sit at her table.) Y'all best sit down and work this out. Now, the main problem in an argument is a lack of communication. You can only resolve conflict when you understand each other. (SpongeBob and Patrick start to shrivel.) So I want each of you to state what is most important to each of you right now.
SpongeBob and Patrick: Waaater! (They crawl panting from the treedome and gasp seawater until they return to normal.)
Patrick: Boy.
SpongeBob: That mediator lady made some good points.
Patrick: Most definitely.
SpongeBob: It takes understanding.
Patrick: Communication is key.
(They both glance at the Patty Pal, then SpongeBob makes a dive for it. They roll away, fighting, onto a bus, then a subway train, then a taxi and finally into the Krusty Krab.)
SpongeBob: It's my turn!
Patrick: No, it's mine!
SpongeBob: Mine!
Patrick: (He wrenches it from SpongeBob's grip.) If I can't have it, no-one can! (He eats the Patty Pal.)
SpongeBob: Noooooo!
Mr. Krabs: Avast there, laddies! What's all this ruck-erus about now?
SpongeBob: It's out Krabby Patty toy, Mr. Krabs, and Patrick ate it so that I couldn't play with it.
Patrick: SpongeBob won't let me play with it!
SpongeBob: Only because you hogged it all night!
Patrick: I did not!
SpongeBob: Did too!
Patrick: Nuh-uh!
SpongeBob: Oh, you toy eater!
Patrick: Tattletale!
Mr. Krabs: Whoa, whoa, whoa there now, settle down! All this brawlin' is over a toy? You two shouldn't let a little trinket get between you, you should be ashamed of yourselves. If I gave each of you another toy, would that make you happy?
SpongeBob and Patrick: Yes.
Mr. Krabs: Well, you're in luck! You two seemed so thrilled with the toy I had an entire case of them made! (He hands one to each of them.) They've been selling like hot cakes! That'll be 13.50. Each.
Patrick: This time it's on me. (He reaches into SpongeBob's pocket.)
SpongeBob: Patrick, that's my money.
Patrick: Have you learned nothing about sharing?
End