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Gullible Pants

(Mr. Krabs is counting money in his office.)
Mr. Krabs: 451, 452, 453, 454, 455, 45--
(He bends the tip of his claw on a coin by mistake. He puts it in his mouth.)
Mr, Krabs: Oh, no, I split me nail! Oh, that looks terrible.
(He dials a phone number.)
Mr. Krabs: Hello? It's an emergency! ...No, I haven't been biting them! No! Can you just schedule me in? ...Now, a manicure right in the middle of the day?
(Looks both ways.)
Mr. Krabs: But what if the guys see me? Yes, I want my nails to look their best. Be right there.
(Goes to the door and slides his eyes under to find the path to the front door, then tip-toes over to a black-and-white picture of a relative and twists the moustache on it, which turns the floorboard and sends him to the basement seen in "Bucket Sweet Bucket". He scuttles over to the front of the Krusty Krab, where he pokes his eyestalks through holes and turns them around the restaurant using a crank on his neck like a periscope. Then, he comes above the floorboards and tiptoes to the door, banging into SpongeBob.)
SpongeBob: Ahoy, sir. Where are you going?
Mr. Krabs: Uh... Heh, heh. It's uh, it's a secret.
SpongeBob: You have a secret
Mr. Krabs: Everybody has a secret, SpongeBob, and mine's gonna take 15 minutes. Maybe 20 if she can spruce up my cubicles.
(SpongeBob is weirded out.)
SpongeBob: Aye-aye, sir. And who will be in charge while you're gone.
Mr. Krabs: Eh...
(Glances at a snoozing Squidward.)
Mr. Krabs: Well, not Squidward.
(Studies all the customers.)
Mr. Krabs: No, not him. Too lumpy. OK, oK, you're in charge.
SpongeBob: What?
Mr. Krabs: You're in charge for the next 15 minutes.
SpongeBob: I'm... in charge?
Mr. Krabs: Yeah, sure, why not?
(SpongeBob convulses.)
Mr. Krabs: You OK, boy?
(Sponge rockets to the ceiling and bounces around the restaurant, a streak of rainbow trailing him. He lands and salutes to Mr. Krabs.)
SpongeBob: I won't let you down, sir.
Mr. Krabs: Oh, sheesh. I'll be back in 15 minutes.
(He leaves the restaurant, and SpongeBob goes over to Squidward, who is still dozing.)
SpongeBob: Naptime's over, Squidward. Now what do you say we work real hard until Mr. Krabs comes back?
Squidward: Krabs is gone?
SpongeBob: Yep, and I'm in charge for the next 15 minutes.
SpongeBob: Wow.
SpongeBob: (Giggles) Yeah, I'm kind of a big deal around here. I guess that's why Krabs put me in... charge.
(Squidward is unfazed.)
SpongeBob: Charge...
(Blank expression from Squidward.)
SpongeBob: (Sing-songy) Charge...
(Same expression.)
Squidward: Wake me up when I care.
(He lies down on a pillow at the bottom of the ordering boat, covered with a blanket.)
SpongeBob: Do you care now?
Squidward: No.
(SpongeBob looks at the customers, who are eating and minding their own business.)
SpongeBob: Everything is under control, people! Go back to your Krabby Patties. Nothing a temporary man-in-charge can't handle!
(SpongeBob turns to Squidward.)
SpongeBob: Squidward? ...Squidward? Squidward? Squidward? Squidward? Squidward? Squid? Squid? Squidward? Squid? Squid?
Squidward: WHAT!?!
SpongeBob: Well it's just that I'm...
(Shrugs)
SpongeBob: ...in charge...
(Squid gets an idea.)
Squidward: And you interrupted my regularly-scheduled Krusty Krab nap?
SpongeBob: Regularly-scheduled nap?
Squidward: This must be important. Mr. Krabs has never interrupted one of these before.
SpongeBob: Really?
Squidward: But being as you're the man in charge, you must have your reasons.
SpongeBob: Well, I, umm...
Squidward: What is it?
SpongeBob: Nothing, carry on! Boy, there sure is a lot of procedural-type stuff I don't know about the Krusty Krab.
(Squidward laughs. Later, SpongeBob appears in the ordering window while Squidward watches a TV in the ordering boat.)
SpongeBob: Order up, Squidward!
Squidward: You know, I'll let you serve this one. My stories are on.
SpongeBob: Gosh, I'd love to, but I've gotta cook the patties!
Squidward: So, do it when you're done!
SpongeBob: And unclog the sink!
Squidward: Would you like to hear a secret?
SpongeBob: What kind of secret?
Squidward: See that guy over there?
(Points.)
SpongeBob: Yes?
Squidward: He wants to be a fry cook, and you're his hero!
SpongeBob: Me?
Squidward: Why don't you give him a couple of pointers. Let him cook his own patty, and don't take "no" for an answer. He's shy.
(Laughs)
Squidward: This should be good.
(SpongeBob walks up to the fish and nudges him.)
SpongeBob: Hey, buddy. It's me, SpongeBob, fry cook extraordinaire.
Fish #1: Uhh... Hello.
SpongeBob: I know your secret...
Fish #1: What? Who told you?
SpongeBob: Oh, a little cashier told me! Follow me!
Fish #1: Yeah, whatever you say, man!
(He takes him by the hand and leads him into the kitchen.)
Squidward: Moron.
(In the kitchen...)
SpongeBob: Betcha didn't think you'd be in here today, did ya?
Fish #1: No.
SpongeBob: First off, this is my grill. This is where the magic happens! And this is my actual spatula!
(Shows him the objects.)
SpongeBob: So start fryin' up some patties! I'll come check on you later, my little prodigy!
Squidward: Ha, ha! SpongeBob will believe anything!
(SpongeBob comes out of the kitchen.)
SpongeBob: Order #12!
Squidward: SpongeBob, what're you doing?
SpongeBob: Bringing out an order!
Squidward: You're serving Krabby Patties with your hands? Do you know how filthy your hands are?
SpongeBob: (Gasp) They are?
Squidward: But your feet, however, are nice and clean! Think about it! They've been protected by your shoes and socks all day!
SpongeBob: Ohh...
(He takes off his shoes and socks to reveal a hairy foot with unkempt toenails, a rash and a bandage on it.)
SpongeBob: It's all clear to me now!
(He walks on his hands and brings out a Krabby Patty and a soda, touching them with his bare feet.)
SpongeBob: One Krabby Meal served with extra sanitary foot service.
(He waves it in the customers face with his foot.)
SpongeBob: Your hot, steaming, juicy Krabby Patty...
(Customer reluctantly grabs it, grossed out.)
SpongeBob: ...and a large drink!
(He hands it to him, retracts his foot into his pant leg and pops it back out with a straw between two toes. He inserts the straw in the slot of the drink lid and then tilts it towards the customer's lips with his other toe.)
SpongeBob: Enjoy.
(The guy's girlfriend returns from the bathroom.)
Fish #2: Hey, is my food here yet?
Fish #3 (Billy): Here, you can have mine.
(At the front counter, a delivery fish carts over table cloths, cooking utensils, boxes, paint, sea ferns, footballs, lamps, table cloths and more miscellaneous decor over on a dolly and dumps them into the ordering boat on Squidward.)
Mailfish: Delivery. Sign here.
(Squid signs off the packages.)
Mailfish: Hey, my pen.
Squidward: Oops, sorry.
(Returns it, and the fish walks off. Meanwhile, SpongeBob excitedly emerges from the kitchen when the door slams shut on his face. Then, it swings back open with SpongeBob's face smashed in. It pops out back to normal, and SpongeBob does an excited dance.)

--------------------------------------------

It's here! It's here!
It's here, it's here!
Do, do, do, do, do, do, do
It's here!

--------------------------------------------

Squidward: SpongeBob, what is all this junk!?!
SpongeBob: Now that I'm in charge, I've decided to redecorate the Krusty Krab. I'm gonna make it all pretty!
Squidward: Yeah, have fun with that.
SpongeBob: Oh, Squidward! I'm in charge, so you'll be having all the fun.
(Hands him some supplies.)
Squidward: Doing what?
SpongeBob: (Quickly, counting on his fingers so he ends up having like 7 fingers) Painting the walls, buffing the tables, sewing pretty curtains, washing the windows, varnishing the stools, hanging the ferns, waxing the toilets, oh, you lucky dog!
Squidward: Hey, SpongeBob, do you wanna hear another Krusty Krab secret?
SpongeBob: Huh? Another Krusty Krab secret?
Squidward: Yep. Do you wanna know how Mr. Krabs gets all these customers?
(SpongeBob clenches his nose.)
SpongeBob: Yes...
Squidward: Low expectations.
SpongeBob: What's that?
Squidward: He keeps the place a dump, so the food tastes even better by comparison! So, if you wanna impress Mr. Krabs, you make it more filthy!
SpongeBob: More filthy?
Squidward: Throw trash on the floors, break furniture and never clean anything!
SpongeBob: Sounds like the Chum Bucket.
Squidward: Ah, but you'll be doing it on purpose.
SpongeBob: Ohhhhh...
(Cut to SpongeBob dumping garbage from trash cans all over the tables while Squidward watches, sipping a soda.)
SpongeBob: How's this, Squidward?
Squidward: Lookin' good!
SpongeBob: You mean, "lookin' bad"! Enjoy our fine décor!
Fish #4 (Nat): Next time I'm picknig the restaurant.
(SpongeBob mops the Krusty Krab with muck and grime, until it is totally covered in brown goop.)
SpongeBob: One Krusty Krab, covered in mud and slime!
Squidward: Mmm, you missed a spot.
(He mops a customer and his food.)
SpongeBob: Got it!
(Sponge chews gum and spits it on the bottom of the tables.)
SpongeBob: Gum under all the tables! How's that for low expectations?
Squidward: Lower!
SpongeBob: Initiating stage two: collateral damage!
(He throws a brick at the window, but it is thick glass and it bounces off and hits him in the face. Then, he walks up to Squidward, his clothes tattered, him scuffed up with mangled hat, twisted eyelashes and a black eye.)
SpongeBob: (Weakly) How was that?
Squidward: Perfect!
SpongeBob: Ehh...
(Gives a thumbs up and smiles, showing his damaged teeth, one dangling from only a string of his gums.)
Fish #5 (Harold): This place is disgusting!
Fish #6: Yeah, let's get out of here, as soon as I finish this delicious Krabby Patty!
(SpongeBob grabs Squidward by the shirt and points to the customers, about to exit.)
SpongeBob: Squidward, all the customers are leaving!
Squidward: What did we talk about?
SpongeBob: Don't touch the material.
(Lets go of the shirt.)
Squidward: If you want the customers to stay, you need to provide some entertainment!
SpongeBob: Oh, can do, Squidward, can do!
Fish #5 (Harold): Come on, let's go.
SpongeBob: WAIT!!! You don't want to miss... This!
(He shrugs his shoulders up and flares his hands outwards while jumping and crossing his legs.)
Fish #2: What's he doing?
Fish #5 (Harold): He's... Dancing!
(He grabs his head by the sides, stands on his tippy-toes and moves his midsection in and out.)
Fish #5 (Harold): OK, people, just back away slowly...
(He turns around, thrusts his rear out and kicks back a leg, one at a time, while making funny noises, and everyone backs away, creeped out. Meanwhile, Mr. Krabs is on his way back to the Krusty Krab.)
Mr. Krabs: Ah, there's nothing like polished pincers to make you feel like a man!
(He laughs at his own reflection in them.)
Mr. Krabs: Let's see how SpongeBob's doing as acting manager.
(He goes in through the door and is shocked at what he finds.)
Mr. Krabs: What the-!?! SpongeBob dancing like a goofball?
(Back view of SpongeBob leaning forward and swinging his arms.)
SpongeBob: And a hey, and a ho, and a hey and a ho! And a hey, ho, hey, ho, hey, ho, ha, hey, hee, ho...
Mr. Krabs: Me customers cowering in fear?
(All the customers are huddled in the far back corner of the building.)
Fish #6 (Evelyn): Help... us...
Mr. Krabs: The Krusty Krab a filthy mess?
(The fish SpongeBob thought wanted to be a fry cook holds a tray of food with a Krusty Krab hat on.)
Fish #1: Order #20 ready for pickup.
Mr. Krabs: (Anger rising) And some stranger cooking Krabby Patties!?!
(Squidward is asleep in the ordering boat.)
Mr. Krabs: Squidward sleeping on the job!?! ...OK, that's actually normal. SpongeBob! What have ye done to me Krusty Krab!
SpongeBob: I was just following Squidward's advice, Mr. Krabs. He told me all your secrets!
Mr. Krabs: All me secrets...?
(Stares at his newly-polished nails and then nervously hides them behind his back, sweating.)
Mr. Krabs: (Chuckles nervously) So, is there anything else I can do for you, acting manager SpongeBob?
(Cut to Mr. Krabs doing the dishes. He chips a nail again.)
Mr. Krabs: Ah, Gwenevere!!!
(Pan across the restaurant to show that random fish cooking, Squidward asleep, overturned gummy tables with mud everywhere, and SpongeBob dancing in front of fearful customers to Russian music.)
End