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Choir Boys

(at Squidward's house where he has classical music playing. Squidward is taking a shower)
Squidward: Figaro! Figaro! Figaro! Figaro! Figaro, Figaro, Figaro, Figaro, Figaro, Figaro, Figaro, Figaro, Figaro, Figaro!
Squidward: FI...ga...ro!! (coughs, turns off water, and walks out the bathroom. The toilet is sad)
Tissue Paper: Don't feel bad. He didn't use me yesterday, either.
Squidward: La-la la-la la! La-la la-la la! (puts on his robe and then his scarf in front of the mirror. Holds a photo of the Bikini Bottom Men's Choir) I am anxious to make a strong first impression and share my singing skills with the famed Bikini Bottom Mens Chorus. La la-la la! But I needn't be too anxious. For once they hear this masters voice, they'll give me the lead solo for sure! Figaro! (walks outside, past SpongeBob who is laying on the ground) Huh? Well, looks like a forlorn SpongeBob lying sprawled across the dirt. (SpongeBob sighs heavily) Obviously depressed. (smiles) Oh, what a lovely day! For me. (laughs as SpongeBob grabs Squidward's legs) Huh?
SpongeBob: Squidward, my playmate Patrick is away at a family reunion. Sad and alone, I am desperate for something to do, and someone to play with. (coughs. Squidward removes SpongeBob's hand from his legs)
Squidward: Well, I have no time for the likes of you.
SpongeBob: Squidward, where are you going, all dressed up?
Squidward: None of your business.
SpongeBob: Can I come?
Squidward: And, no, you can't
SpongeBob: Are you going to a fancy store?
Squidward: No.
SpongeBob: A fancy par-tay?
Squidward: No.
SpongeBob: A hot fancy-pants date?
Squidward: No!
SpongeBob: Can I come? Can I come? Can I come? Can I come? Can I come? Can I come? Can I come? Can I come? Can I come?
Squidward: No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! Does that answer your questions?
SpongeBob: All except for that last one.
Squidward: No you can't! (fuming) If you must know, I am going to be a feature soloist for an impending concert performance with the famed Bikini Bottom's Men's choir. I'm hitting the big time. Not playtime. Now if you'll excuse me.
SpongeBob: Wow. I may not be as good as you and your buddy, Squidward, but I, too, have a song in my heart that I want to share. (clears throat) La.... (Squidward rides his bike away. SpongeBob coughs from the dust left behind)
Squidward: (horn beeps) Au revoir, SpongeBob. See you in nosebleed seat. (laughs as he rides away on his bicycle) La La La La La La La. La La La La La La La.
SpongeBob: La La La La La La La.
Squidward: Huh?!
SpongeBob: (yodels) I'm good enough to join the Bikini Bottom Men's Chorus. I promise.
Squidward: Yuck. (rides faster to get away)
SpongeBob: Perhaps Squidward didn't see me.
Squidward: Figaro! (clears throat) Figaro!
SpongeBob: (comes up from underground where he's been digging a tunnel) This giant pothole outta get his attention.
Squidward: Figa... (hits pothole. Screams as he lands in Jellyfish Fields) I think I hit the wrong note back there (Jellyfish approach) What the...?
SpongeBob: What a lucky break! Now I have a captive audience! (clears throat as Squidward gets zapped by the jellyfish) La... (Squidward gets zapped again) Me me me me me me me me me me me. (Squidward gets zapped again) La... (Squidward gets zapped again)
SpongeBob: Um, Squidward, could you keep it down please? Trying to find my starting pitch here. La...
(Squidward gets zapped again. Cut to Squidward on his bike, covered in stings)
Squidward: If that rank, amateur SpongeBob embarrasses me in front of the Bikini Bottom Choir Men, my life if ruined! (looks at watch) Oh! I'm almost late for choir practice! I'd better not run into SpongeBob again or I'm doomed!
Squidward: (takes a shortcut into some grass. Laughs) Figaro, figaro, figaro, figaro...!
SpongeBob: (steps out of the grass , dressed in a policeman's hat and a mustache) Stop! Stop Stop! Stop! (Squidward stops quickly) I here by issue you with this ticket for reckless frowning. And failing to listen to my song!
Squidward: Your song? What are you, some kind of...
SpongeBob: That's right! I'm a singing traffic cop.
Squidward: A singing traffic...
SpongeBob: O sole mio...
Squidward: (rips off SpongeBob's mustache) SpongeBob, I will be late to practice with all of your tomfoolery slowing me down. (rips up the ticket) It is a high honor to be chosen for the Bikini Bottom Men's Chorus. And you are not going to keep me from performing my grand solo! (ties SpongeBob to a kelp tree with seaweed. Then continues biking) Figaro, figaro, figaro, figaro, figaro...
SpongeBob: Figaro... (SpongeBob voice echoes and the kelp breaks off. The Jellyfish come and lift SpongeBob up. SpongeBob continues to hold a note)
Squidward: (arrives and looks at watch) Just in time. (walks in and stands in the middle) Gentlemen. (piano starts playing)
Men's Choir: Ah...
Squidward: (music stops as Squidward clears throat a lot. Piano starts again)
Men's Choir: Ah...
Squidward: (off-key) La...! (everyone stops. SpongeBob comes in still holding the note) La... Figaro. Figaro. Figaro!
Choir Man: It's so beautiful! (SpongeBob continues to hold note)
Choir Man #2: That's the most beautiful singing I've ever heard! (sobs. After SpongeBob stops, everyone cheers, even the jellyfish)
Gramma: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Choir Man #3: Yo, Master SquarePants, we would be honored if you would take the open chair as our featured soloist.
SpongeBob: (giggles) Well... uh, hmm...
Choir Man #3: We would also be honored if you would wear this! (opens up a platter that reveals a mustache inside)
SpongeBob: (Gasps) A mustache for me?
Choir Man #3: Well? Well don't be shy! Put it on.
SpongeBob: (puts the mustache on) Squidward, look! My very own choir man's mustache!
Choir Man #3: Well, will you do it?
SpongeBob: Uh, hmm... Hmm... I'll do it! But only if you find a spot for my inspiration and great friend, Squidward. (he smiles big)
Choir Man #3: Deal! (cut to concert where SpongeBob is singing)
SpongeBob: Figaro! Figaro! (points to Squidward, who turns the page) Figaro!
End