Back

Stanley S. SquarePants

SpongeBob: (opens his front door and sees a package on the ground) Hey! Somebody left me a package. (straining and grunting while carrying the package inside) Heavy! I wonder what's inside. (opens the package)
Stanley: Hello. (SpongeBob screams) Phew. Cramped in there!
SpongeBob: Cousin Stanley!
Stanley: Cousin SpongeBob! (both make noise with their tongues)
SpongeBob: So what brings you to Bikini Bottom, Stanley?
Stanley: Uncle Sherm said I should come visit you. I have a note from him somewhere. Oh, right. It's in here. (pulls a note from inside his head) Here it is.
SpongeBob: (reads the note) "Dear SpongeBob. I'm sending your cousin Stanley to live with you. He can't hold down a job and he ruins everything he touches. I can't take it anymore. Maybe you can straighten him out. Love, Uncle Sherm." Well, you're always welcome here, Stanley! My pineapple is your pineapple.
Stanley: Wow, you've got your own refrigerator. (throws everything out the fridge) I'm not allowed near the fridge at Uncle Sherm's. Whoa!
SpongeBob: Oh, well. Now I won't have to clean it out.
Stanley: Wah-hoo-hoo-hoo!
SpongeBob: Stanley? You ok in there, Stanley?
Stanley: Your toilet is so cool. Is that what I think it is? (runs off. SpongeBob opens the bathroom door and a lot of water rushes out)
SpongeBob: Well, it was bath night.
Stanley: Gee, pretty... Uncle Sherm won't let me watch TV back at home.
SpongeBob: Why not? (TV explodes)
Stanley: That's why. What's that?
SpongeBob: (sighs) That's okay. There's nothing good on TV anyway. Nothing.
Stanley: (looks at a picture on the wall of SpongeBob in front of he Krusty Krab) Do you work at the Krusty Krab?
SpongeBob: I don't just work there-- I'm vice assistant general manager in charge of certain things. That's me turning the front door key. That's me serving a customer. And that's me performing sanitary maintenance.
Stanley: Ooh, who's that?
SpongeBob: Oh, that-- that's me making Krabby Patties! The best job in the world. It's my calling.
Stanley: I wish I had a calling.
SpongeBob: Aw, Stanley, you just haven't found your purpose in life, that's all.
Stanley: You really think so?
SpongeBob: I know so. I'll bet my friend Squidward can help you. Hi, Squidward. I'd like you to meet my cousin Stanley.
Stanley: We're related.
Squidward: There's two of them?! (screams. Goes inside and then back outside with a bunch of boxes. He sets them on the ground and puts a "For Sale" sign next to him. A Bikini Bottom Movers van picks him up) Step on it! (drives off)
Stanley: Your friend Squidward seems busy.
SpongeBob: Ah, that's ok. I'm sure my friend Sandy can think of something. (cut to the treedome)
Sandy: Hey, SpongeBob. Who's your friend?
SpongeBob: This is my cousin, Stanley SquarePants. I thought you could teach him how to be a scientist.
Sandy: Why, sure. Glad to meet you, partner.
Stanley: Nice to meet you too... (Stanley trips on a rock. His sharp teeth rips a hole in Sandy's suit)
Sandy: Uh-oh. Gol'darn it!
SpongeBob: Uh... maybe you're just not scientist material. But don't you worry-- I'll bet Patrick can help you. He's a genius. (cut to Patrick's rock) And so, Mr. Star, that's why we came to you.
Patrick: Looking for your calling, huh? (walks around Stanley) Hmmm. Mm-hmm. So, what are you good at?
Stanley: Nothing.
Patrick: Nothing at all?
Stanley: Yep.
Patrick: Interesting. Let's see how good you are at nothing.
SpongeBob: That's perfect. Patrick can do nothing better than anyone. (whispers in Stanley's ear) You'll be learning from the master.
Patrick: Come with me. First, sit down in this chair. Clear your mind. Empty it of all thoughts until you're doing abso...lute...ly... nothing. (sticks his tongue out and drools) Gah!
SpongeBob: See? Isn't he amazing?
Stanley: (monotone) Clear my mind. Do nothing. I can't do it!
Patrick: You're not worthy of instruction in the immobile arts. Leave my presence.
Stanley: Couldn't I try...?
Patrick: Good-bye! Not a word! (goes back to doing nothing) Dah!
Stanley: I can't even do nothing right.
SpongeBob: Don't give up, Stan-o! We just have to keep on looking. (looks at his watch that it pointed to "work", gasps, and takes out his Krusty Krab hat) Oh gentle hat, symbol of employment, cornerstone of my eternal happiness, I don thee now in preparation for this workday. (kisses it and puts it on his head) Ooh! You have no idea how good this feels.
Stanley: No. (sobs)
SpongeBob: Hey, what's wrong, Stanley? You're not still upset about that whole never-accomplished-anything-in-life thing, are you?
Stanley: No. (sobs more)
SpongeBob: Good. Then why don't you come with me to work. Maybe seeing me totally fulfilled will cheer you up. (cut to Krusty Krab)
Mr. Krabs: There's my little money maker. (kisses SpongeBob) Are you gonna make me lots of money today?
SpongeBob: Yes, sir!
Mr. Krabs: Ah, if only there are two of you...what? One, two. There's two?! He looks like ya. (sniffs) He smells like ya. (licks Stanley) He tastes like ya! Is he a hardworker just like you?
SpongeBob: Um... (looks at Stanley) Um, uh...
Mr. Krabs: Well, is he?
Stanley: Please, please, please, please, please, please, please...
SpongeBob: Yes, sir.
Mr. Krabs: (money comes out the back of his pants) You got the job!
SpongeBob: (at cash register) Your job is to take people's money, and put it in here.
Stanley: Whoa. Can I touch it? (register explodes)
Mr. Krabs: (sniffs) Money...? (sniffs) Burning?! (jumps onto the pile of money that SpongeBob is trying to stomp out then sobs) SpongeBob, who's responsible for this?
SpongeBob: I... guess I am, Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: You're on probation, boy.
SpongeBob: (now in kitchen) Well, Stanley, thanks to you, I'm on probation. If you wanna keep this job, you're gonna have to... (bell rings) Ooh! Customer at the port bow! Man your stations! Man your stations! Ready for duty.
Stanley: Ah, my first customer. (shakes the customers hand) Hi, I'm Stanley! Oh, this is so exciting!
Customer Fish: Uh... I'd like a...
Stanley: Wait, wait. Wait, wait, hold on. I don't want to ever forget this moment. (takes a picture of himself and the customer) That's gonna be a keeper. Now let's do one with funny hats! (ltakes a picture wearing sombreros, in a scuba-diving outfit, and getting married) Ooh, yeah, let's pretend we're mad at each other! (snaps picture. Customer explodes) I can't wait to get these developed. (runs out the door, past a long line of angry customers who haven't taken their order yet)
SpongeBob: I said I'm ready Stanley. (screams after seeing the line of people) Whoa! (SpongeBob takes orders and makes the burgers. The Krusty Krab burps after serving all of the customers then all of them walk out satisfied)
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, what's the meaning of this? Your station looks horrible. Take some pride in your work, boy. Look at your cousin Stanley, for example. Spiffing up his work space with meaningful photos of the customers. (takes off the wedding picture off the wall and looks at it. Cut to inside Mr. Krab's office)
SpongeBob: (knocks and goes into the office) Um, sir?
Mr. Krabs: Yes, boy?
SpongeBob: About my cousin Stanley...
Mr. Krabs: Yes, yes, the one I hired entirely on your recommendation. Hurry it up, boy.
SpongeBob: Uh, actually...sir, about those things I said...
Mr. Krabs: What? You didn't lie to me just so your cousin could get the job, did you?
SpongeBob: No.
Mr. Krabs: Well, good, because there are plenty of other relatives that got passed over for the job.
Sandy's Cousin: (in a scottish accent) Aye, 'tis true!
Squidward's Teenage Cousin: Whatever. (walks off)
Mr. Krabs: I even turned down me three adorable nephews.
Nephew #1: But...
Nephew #2: Uncle...
Nephew #3: Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: They solve mysteries. (laughs) Now go solve the mystery of why you didn't get the job. (nephews all grumbing)
SpongeBob: Stanley, I cannot keep covering for... yeow! (Stanley has bent SpongeBob's spatula) No! Not my spatula! My... spatula... (sniffs) the thing I hold nearest and dearest to my heart.
Mr. Krabs: What in the name of Neptune is going...? Oh. You broke your spatuler. That's a shame. I'll order a another one tomorrow,boy.
SpongeBob: No! No! No! I didn't break my spatula! He did! And I also didn't burn your money-- he did that, too! I have been covering for him because he can't do anything right! (gasping and wheezing)
Stanley: He's right. I ruin everything I touch! (runs away crying)
Mr. Krabs: Wait a minute. I know the perfect job for you.
SpongeBob: (cut to next morning where SpongeBob and Stanley are walking down the street) Good luck on your new job, cousin Stanley.
Stanley: Thanks! I bet I'll be even better in this one. (walks towards the Chum Bucket)
Plankton: Good morning, Mr. SquarePants.
Stanley: 'Morning, boss!
Plankton: I can't believe it. That fool Krabs letting the blood relative of his best worker... (Chum Bucket explodes. Mr. Krabs watches through the window of the Krusty Krab) Well, that's the end of me.
Stanley: Sorry, boss.
End