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Blackened Sponge

(SpongeBob is riding on a seahorse wearing a tan muscular shirt, torn at the sleeves, and is saving a woman tied on the railroad tracks screaming)
Woman: Help!
Spongebob: Hee-ya!
Woman: Help, help.
Spongebob: Whoa! (seahorse stops) There, there. You're safe now little lady. (evil laughter coming from a man)
Fish: You fool. You've fallen into my trap. Now you're mine, SpongeBob the strong.
Spongebob: So, we meet again, Crazyfish.
Crazyfish: Bring it on.
Spongebob: With pleasure. (cracks his knuckles)
Crazyfish: (grunts while covering his ears) So loud.
Spongebob: You ready to get crazy, huh, Crazyfish?
Crazyfish: You bet your frosting, Sponge-cake.
Spongebob: Sorry, I'm not wearing any frosting. (both start a paper-rock-scissors game. Spongebob plays paper while Crazyfish plays rock. Crazyfish realizes he lost so he changes into scissors) Hey, that's cheating.
Crazyfish: No, it's not.
Spongebob: Yes, it is.
Crazyfish: No, it's not.
Spongebob: Yes, it is.
Crazyfish: Is not...
Spongebob: Is too...
Crazyfish: Is not...
Spongebob: Is too... (a train blows its whistle as it gets closer to the woman)
Woman: Um, guys?
Crazyfish: Anyways your shoe is untied.
Spongebob: Is not...
Crazyfish: Is too... (train is getting closer and closer)
Woman: Guys! The train!
Spongebob: (jumps next to her) Don't worry. I'm ready. (tears his shirt and faces the train) Bring it on. (alarm wakes him up right before the train is about to hit him) Oh, good morning, Gare-bear.
Gary: Meow.
Spongebob: I kept you up all night with my nocturnal outbursts? Again?
Gary: Meow?
Spongebob: No, no, Tuesday night was the one with the 30-foot librarian. Last night was the one where I defeat notorious arch- villain Jack M. Crazyfish. Using the sheer force of my awesomely developed musculature. (puffs out his chest as he walks into the bathroom. Grabs the toothpaste but has trouble opening it. He deflates back to normal. Then walks to get a wrench from inside the barrel under the alarm clock. Goes back to the bathroom and hits the wrench on the toothpaste causing the top to shoot off around the bathroom and into his eye. He gets up off the ground and looks in the mirror to see if he has a black eye) Whew, what a relief. For a second there I thought I gave myself a black... (slips on the toothpaste top and hits his eye on the wrench) ...eye. (Looks in the mirror at his black eye thats pounding. Walks to his bed and begins to cry)
Gary: Meow.
Spongebob: Go away, Gary. I'm busy... wallowing.
Gary: Meow?
Spongebob: I did something so dumb to myself that even you would laugh uncontrollably at me.
Gary: Meow.
Spongebob: You promise you won't laugh? (Gary nods) Ok, here goes. (lifts his head) Gary, I gave myself a black eye trying to open the toothpaste. (Gary tries not to laugh) Thanks for not laughing, Gere. I knew you'd... (Gary goes through his pet door) Gar? (cut to SpongeBob leaving his house with pink, old lady sunglasses on. He looks around to see if anyone is outside. Begins to walk.)
Patrick: Hi, SpongeBob. (Spongebob screams) Hey, cool glasses. Can I try them on... oh! (takes off the sunglasses and sees Spongebob's black eye) Spongebob, your eye. It's all black and swollen. How'd you mess your eye up, SpongeBob? Did somebody hit you? Where is he? We'll settle this like men. We'll sue him.
Spongebob: No, no, it's ok, Patrick. He, uhh, he learned his lesson. (thinking of the toothpaste)
Patrick: Are you sure, SpongeBob? Who was this guy, anyway?
Spongebob: (thinks of Crazyfish) It was Jack M. Crazfish. You've never seen anyone like this guy, Patrick. He was about 60 feet tall.
Patrick: (quivers) Oh.
Spongebob: He was big and mean. Oh, but ol' SpongeBob here knows how to teach a lummox some manners.
Patrick: What did you do?
Spongebob: I handled him the same way I handle all enormous muscle-bound villains.
Patrick: With tears?
Spongebob: Uh, no, with a little hi-yah! and a ka-zow! and a gallon of hi-yah, hi-yah, ha! Yeah, he never knew what hit him.
Patrick: Well, then what happened?
Spongebob: I woke up... Oh, I mean, I...
Patrick: I know exactly what you mean. You whooped him with your eyes closed.
Spongebob: That is exactly what I mean, Patrick. Well, see you later, buddy. (walks off)
Patrick: There goes a real hero.
Spongebob: (makes karate sounds and laughs) Slugger, that's me. (stops at a seacow crossing) What the? (Sandy is riding a seahorse on top of the seacows)
Sandy: Yee-haw! Get along little fishies.
Spongebob: Hi, Sandy.
Sandy: Whoa! (seahorse stops) Hot cat snake in a barn. Look at your eye. Land sakes. That's quite a shiner you got there. Well, don't you worry none. I know some natural remedies that'll fix you up...
Spongebob: Keep your natural remedies to yourself. Manly dudes like me don't need 'em. I'll have you know I got this black eye in a fight.
Sandy: A fight? Well, there's no shame in losing.
Spongebob: Lose? Sandy, I taught the fish who tangled with me a lesson he shan't soon forget.
Sandy: Why? Did he write it down?
Spongebob: No, I engraved it on his pain gland.
Sandy: Well, what type of man scuffles boots with you and loses?
Spongebob: Oh, this was no mere man. He was the notorious outlaw Jack M. Crazfish!
Sandy: Jack M. Crazyfish?
Spongebob: It all happened late last night... (flashback to last night. Spongebob is walking down the street at night) I was walking home from work...alone...when all of a sudden, Crazyfish sprang up out of nowhere. He threw a giant tire at the back of my head. (Crazyfish laughs after this happens) Then he stood over me to gloat. I jumped up and karate kicked his hairpiece right off of its snaps. (Crazyfish walks away crying after his wig is kicked off his head) He was so ashamed he ran all the way home leaving behind a pool of tears. Which I then proceeded to scoop up in my victory tankard and enjoy a nice refreshing beverage. (scoops up some tears into a mug)
Sandy: So how'd you get the black eye then?
Spongebob: Oh, yeah. Well, that's right. I had miscalculated the trajectory of my cup and the straw jabbed me in the eye, giving me this awful shiner. (watch alarm beeps)
Sandy: Well, looks like you're late for your day job, killer.
Spongebob: Ah, phooey. Late schmate. A tough guy like me can show up to work whenever he wants. Adios. (cut to the Krusty Krab)
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob is 13 & 1/2 minutes late for duty. I hope for his sake this means he was in a horrible accident. (SpongeBob kicks the doors open and ltrying to be tough looking) Well, looks like I was right about the accident part. (SpongeBob walks up to a fish and shows his black eye)
Fish: Ugh.
Spongebob: Yeah, that's right, pal, do the right thing. Just keep on walking. (walks up to a table of two fish)
Fish #2: Ugh, do you mind? We're trying to have a decent meal here.
Spongebob: That's right. (SpongeBob walks up to Squidward. Clears his throat)
Squidward: Spongebob, I'm...
Spongebob: I'm just gonna stop you right there, Squidward. Spare you the oxygen. We all know you weaker folk can't afford to waste it. (takes the microphone) All right, folks, listen up 'cause I'm only gonna say this once. Tough guys don't like to repeat themselves. I'm talking to you, grandma! (old lady puts down the mustard) Now I suppose all of you are wondering how I got this black eye.
Squidward: Not really.
Spongebob: All right, who said that? Was it you, grandma? (grandma shakes her head)
Squidward: It was me, I said it. (SpongeBob turns around and hisses at Squidward)
Spongebob: Well, folks, I don't happen to see it as a shiner so much as a shining trophy of my glorious triumph over the forces of evil. Oh, I know what you're thinking: "Who in the name of Neptune would want to tangle with a guy like Spongebob Squarepants?" Well, I'll tell you who. (flashback to this morning) It was a peaceful morning in Bikini Bottom. I emerged from my fruit-shaped bungalow fresh as a bee when a wanted cry of distress pounded against my eardrum. (lady screams)
Fish: Hold it. Sponges don't have eardrums.
Mr. Krabs: He's right.
Spongebob: Hey, let's save all the questions until the end. As I was saying... (flashback again) I quickly located the source of the cry which was a victim tied at my feet. (lady tied to a railroad track is screaming) "Don't worry, I'll save you." I assured. When a large bowling pin struck me in the face. The hurler was none other than Jack M. Crazyfish. And I could tell by that cold sore on his lip that today he meant business. With cat-like reflexes I preempted his attack. But the scoundrel had me sabotaged. And I fell face down on a pile of extra large staples. He lunged at me but I got him in the ribs with my novelty feather duster. Down he fell like a mighty oak. (thud) And there he lay. The very thought of being vanquished made Jack M. Crazyfish burst into tears. (he cries) The force of his crying was so strong I had to take evasive action. But one of the blasts went haywire and hit me right in the face... (one of the tears ricochets off a rock and hits Spongebob in the eye) ...and that's how I got this black eye by giving Jack M. Crazyfish a whomping of a lifetime. Whoo...football!
Fish #3: Uhh, what did you say he looked like again?
Spongebob: Oh, kind of tall, handlebar mustache...
Fish #3: Little green hat?
Spongebob: I kind of thought it was teal but that sounds like him all right. Wait a second, how did you know he was wearing a green hat? (SpongeBob, the two fish, Mr. Krabs, and Squidward gasp) He's real.
Jack M. Crazyfish: I'm looking for Spongebob S...
Spongebob: (runs up and gets on his knees) Mr. Crazyfish, please don't skin me alive. I made all that stuff up. I was just kidding about whomping you, right folks? You remember.
Old Lady: I liked the part where you told us where how he was crying like a baby. (Spongebob runs home)
Spongebob: Hi, Gary. (runs back with the toothpaste and wrench) All right, look. I had a toothpaste tube, like this. But I couldn't get it open 'cause the cap was stuck. And I guess I haven't been working my arms out that much lately. And I opened it up like this... (hits the toothpaste with the wrench) Then I was walking, like this. (walks over to the toothpaste cap) And I didn't see where the cap went, like this. (slips on the top and goes flying the other direction) So, I slipped on it and I landed right on my wrench, like this. (walks back over with the wrench in his other eye) And I gave myself a black eye, like this. (points to his left eye) Uh... like these. (points to both eyes being black) So you see? I made it all up so I could keep from looking stupid. Makes sense, doesn't it?
Jack M. Crazyfish: Uhh, not really. I'm here because I heard you make a really good Krabby Patty. (cut to SpongeBob carrying a Krabby Patty with six patties on it to Crazyfish)
Spongebob: One super hot and delicious custom order Krabby Patty with extra sauce, my lord. Served directly to your waiting... (slips and throws the entire plate at Crazyfish's face) ...head and neck area. Sir, please, I am so sorry.
Jack M. Crazyfish: Where I'm from sorry don't cut it. We settle things in a different kind of way. (plays a game of rock-paper-scissors just like before. Switches from rock to scissors)
Spongebob: Noooooooo!!
End