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Le Big Switch

(Open in the Krusty Krab)
SpongeBob: Order uuup!! Go now, and bless the taste buds of your lucky connoisseur.
(He kisses his fingers, we see a heart leave his face and travel over to Squidward where he inhales it and begins choking.)
Squidward: (gagging and gasping for air) It went in my mouth! Choking...on...sentiment! (he takes a deep breath, then falls over, tentacles sticking up) It's like poison.
SpongeBob: Okay, you sit this one out, Squidward. This'll be a special delivery from the chef! (delivering the tray to the customer) For your dining pleasure: Two double krabby patties cooked to perfection, complimented by a side of coral bits and a jumbo diet soda. Topped off with a little extra love. (He reaches in, grabs out his heart, and shakes it over the customer's food. His body reacts like he's going to die, then he puts the heart back inside himself and is fine.) Enjoy! (bows and backs away from customer, back to the register, where he sighs deeply) It's the little details that they really appreciate, isn't it Squidward?
Squidward: (standing back up) Uuhh-ooh yeah. You really touched his life.
SpongeBob: Nothin' beats makin' quality food for good people with discriminating tastes.
Squidward: Quality food?!
SpongeBob: Yeah!
Squidward: Good people?!
SpongeBob: Uh-huh.
Squidward: Discriminating taste?!
SpongeBob: Testify!!
Squidward: (running over to customer and taking his food) Only pathetic losers with horrible taste would eat this garbage!
(SpongeBob gasps, then customer gasps and starts crying. SpongeBob runs over and holds the customer, cradling him like a baby.)
SpongeBob: Squidward!! The Krusty clientele needs to be cuddled and treated with respect. (takes food back from Squidward and feeds to customer) There, there. (glaring at Squidward) Mr. Krabs would be ashamed.
Mr. Krabs: (bursting through the front doors) Alright ya filthy bilge rats!
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: You got three seconds to git outa me restaurant before I kick ya out! (all the customers look at each other, blankly) Fine. Have it yer way. (runs around to the back of the building, lifts it up, everyone slides out)
SpongeBob: What's happening, Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: Aah, we don't need those losers anymore. I'm turnin' the restaurant into one of those fancy "frou-frou" places, where they charge big bucks fer itsy-bitsy portions!
Squidward: Fancy? Frou-frou?!
Mr. Krabs: We're gettin' a gourmet chef in the chef exchange program, and I'm gonna raise me prices to the roof! (laughs)
SpongeBob: (looking confused) Chef exchange program?
Mr. Krabs: Oh, uh, yeah...well, you're bein' shipped off to some other restaurant somewhere far away from here. The details are kinda hazy, (grabs two suitcases from nowhere) but I packed your bags and your bus leaves in five minutes. (bus pulls up to the door) Looks like it's early.
(The door of the bus flings open, we see SpongeBob, who looks to have been tossed, fly into it, followed by his luggage. The door slams shut, he is seen looking sad in the window as it drives off.)
Squidward: It was that easy? (eyes well up with tears) All these years? I've underestimated the power of public transportation.
(Bus returns, drops off the new chef.)
Mr. Krabs: Welcome to the Krusty Krab!
Squidward: Does your middle name happen to be No SpongeBob Within A Thousand Kilometers Of Here?
(Mr. Krabs and Squidward laugh)
Exchange Chef: I find you disgusting. (they stop laughing) However, my culture dictates that I must kiss you, regardless. (kisses Squidward and Mr. Krabs once on each side of their face, spitting to the side after each one)
Mr. Krabs: Well, he's just as affectionate as the boy.
Squidward: But the surly attitude is a step in the right direction.

(Cut to SpongeBob being dropped off at Fancy!)
Head French Chef: What is this rubbish?! (holds up a steak to a worker) I would not wipe my own bottom with this! (slaps worker's face with it) Start over!! (turns to another worker) And this! (sips from a ladle, then spits it in worker's face) I would not wash my own bottom with this after carefully wiping and wiping and wiping!! (slaps worker) Now go, stand in the corner and think about what you have done. And where is my exchange chef?!?!
SpongeBob: (sheepishly) Um, right here, sir.
Head French Chef: (laughs) There you are! Bon jour! (kisses him on each cheek, SpongeBob giggles and blushes, then gets slapped by the chef) Now...get to your station and prepare me your best dish!!!
(SpongeBob runs to his station in the kitchen, grabs a bunch of vegetables and seasonings, and puts them all into a big pot. He stirs it around, we hear a bell ring, and he grabs a krabby patty out of the pot. Head chef is standing over him, watching. SpongeBob kisses his fingers, a heart flies in the direction of the head chef, which he squeezes ‘til it explodes.)
Head French Chef: This is not funny, and I certainly did not exchange my top soup chef for, uuuuh...how you say...COMEDIAN!!! (swipes patty and crams it into SpongeBob's mouth, using his nose like the flusher of a toilet) Prepare me a gourmet dish...NOW!!!
SpongeBob: I'm sure with all my years in the kitchen I can make something... (slices up a bunch of vegetables, the result is another krabby patty) other than...(sees patty, starts to sweat and laughs nervously) Just warming up!
(Head chef is angrily looking over him and growls. SpongeBob freaks out and runs over to the oven.)
SpongeBob: Come on, SpongeBob. (places something in the oven, whistles while he waits for it, he yells and tosses it away when it comes out a krabby patty)
(Head chef growls again.)
SpongeBob: (grabbing an egg and frying pan) Just one egg and...(it turns into a krabby patty) Nooo!!! Gah! (He tosses it on the floor in front of the head chef, then we see krabby patties continue to fly to the floor from off camera as SpongeBob continues to mess up.) Nope, that's not it, either. Uh-uh.
Head French Chef: You are making a mockery of my...(a flying krabby patty lands in his mouth) This taste is...is fantastic! What do you call it? (picks up another patty off the floor and eats it)
SpongeBob: A krabby patty.
Head French Chef: (eating another off the floor) The whole world must taste this!
French Narrator: Meanwhile at the Krusty Krab.

(Cut to the Krusty Krab, where it has been remodeled to look like a fancy restaurant.)
Mr. Krabs: Hey, Squidward! Look at this. (holds up a tiny morsel of food) We're chargin' fifty two smackeroos for this little guy! (laughs)
Squidward: (after smelling its odor) Oh! What is that?!
Mr. Krabs: Ha! I don't know! Some kinda bean paste or somethin'.
Exchange Chef: Wrong, monsieur!! (grabs it away from Mr. Krabs) It is the rare fruit of the kazook tree.
Mr. Krabs: So, it's supposed to smell like rotten gym socks?
Exchange Chef: It's naturally rancid odor can only be neutralized by shredded gold.
Mr. Krabs: Shredded (gulps) gold? (screams when he sees the chef shred a gold bar like cheese over the food, then quickly grabs the bar away) Couldn't we use less expensive ingredients?
Exchange Chef: Price can be no object when dealing with exquisite food like this. It must be prepared with only the finest ingredients, and eaten with only the finest silverware, (holds up a fork) while sitting on the finest furniture. (He goes to sit on a chair, only to fall on the ground because it was a cardboard replica.) This is not the chair I ordered.
Mr. Krabs: Yeah, well, you see, those were out of stock.
Exchange Chef: And this fork of plastic, spray painted to look silver, is it not? (getting up and dusting himself off) I cannot prepare food under these conditions!!!

(Cut to Fancy! Restaurant where all the sophisticated customers are enjoying krabby patties.)
Head French Chef: Monsieur SpongeBob, although it is in direct violation of the chef exchange program rules, let me assure you that these kisses are not merely a formality, they are genuine! (kisses SpongeBob on each cheek) I am sure that this is only the beginning of a long...
SpongeBob: (checking his watch) Well, my time here is up. I'm officially a Krusty Krab employee, once again. (walks out, only to be shoved back into the kitchen by the head chef)
Head French Chef: I apologize, monsieur SpongeBob, but, you see my customers have grown rather fond of your krabby patties.
SpongeBob: (gasps) The krabby patties! I almost forgot. (grabs the patties away from the customers) These babies also belong to the Krusty Krab. So long!
(Customers gasp, one jumps SpongeBob as he's leaving.)
Customer: No, wait. Just one more?
SpongeBob: I'm sorry, but I've got to go. (all the customers pile on the first one, making it hard for SpongeBob to leave)

(Cut back to Krusty Krab. A moving van is seen out front and an "Out of Business" sign is hung above the door. Movers remove all the fancy stuff from the restaurant. Mr. Krabs is at his desk, sobbing.)
Mr. Krabs: I'm ruined. Busted! (phone rings) Hello?
Pearl: (on the phone) Daddy, the house is full of burglars!
Mr. Krabs: Oh-ho-oh, no...those aren't burglars, Pearl. Those are just friendly repo-men. (hangs up)
Squidward: (being brought into Mr. Krabs' office, held by two movers) Mr. Krabs, tell these guys to let go of me!
Mr. Krabs: Aye, well, you know, until I come up with the money I owe, I'm afraid you'll be stayin' with these nice gents.
Squidward: YOU SOLD ME?!
Mr. Krabs: NO! Bartered is more like it. They keep you, I keep my knee caps. Heh, heh.
Mover: Come on, mac! (drags Squidward away)
Squidward: (as he's being dragged out) You're PATHETIC!!! (Exchange chef walks in.)
Mr. Krabs: Oh, Mr. Le Shnook, I lost everything. I'm bankrupt! You and your fancy eats are all I got left now.
Le Shnook: Not quite. My time in the chef's exchange program has expired. So, my eats and I are leaving. (holds up a slip of paper) This is for you.
Mr. Krabs: Is it money?!
Le Shnook: It is the bill for my services.
(Movers appear again, grab the desk and chair that Mr. Krabs is still sitting in.)
Mover: One side, please.
(They carry the stuff out of the restaurant, then put Mr. Krabs back inside. His eyes well up, then he starts sobbing.)
Mr. Krabs: (still crying) Oh, I've been such a fool. I turned away SpongeBob, the best fry cook I ever had...and it cost me everything!
SpongeBob: (off camera) Mr. Krabs!
Mr. Krabs: I can still hear his sweet little voice.
SpongeBob: (still off camera) Mr. Kra-a-abs!!
Mr. Krabs: Okay, now I'm scared.
SpongeBob: (yes, still off camera) MR. KRABS!!!
Mr. Krabs: Darn it, curse that mocking voice. I...(hears squeaky shoes behind him) SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: Ahoy, Mr. Krabs!
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, me boy! You've come back! (hugs him, then notices the crowd of people still attached to SpongeBob's leg) And you've brought customers! (crowd of people babbles in delight)

(Cut to Mr. Krabs standing in front of the register where Squidward is also standing.)
Mr. Krabs: Well, Mr. Squidward, all's well that ends well. I got me poor, disgustin', old clientele back, (plain ol' customer is seen eating a krabby patty off the floor) and me rich, disgustin', new clientele, to boot! (rich customer is seen eating a krabby patty off the floor, then burps loudly) I'm back in business!
Squidward: Couldn't you at least give them tables to eat on?
Mr. Krabs: Oh-ho, no way! See, I've learned ya can't buy customer loyalty with fancy tables, frou-frou food, or even sanitary conditions. (starts poking at the customers with a cane) Hey, get back, you! Eat yer own. (throws bucket of kabby patties onto the floor) Nope, just good food prepared with love. Idn't that right, SpongeBob? (looks at SpongeBob who is leaning through the order window)
SpongeBob: You've got it, Mr. Krabs! (kisses fingers, a heart floats toward Squidward where he inhales it and starts choking, falling over...the whole restaurant laughs)
(Camera pans away from outside the restaurant, a sign saying "Grand Re-Opening" is hanging over the door.)
End