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I'm With Stupid

(Open outside Patrick's rock where we hear Patrick inside making anxiety noises. SpongeBob walks up and knocks. It opens a bit, Patrick makes more noises, then it closes again. Irritated, SpongeBob knocks again, then just throws the rock open. We see Patrick frantically cleaning with a feather duster.)
Patrick: Uh...huh...o-oh...sweeping... (dusts SpongeBob) Need...furniture! (moistens the ground with his own saliva, then molds a floor lamp, a dresser, and some other furniture out of the sand)
SpongeBob: Patrick, what's with the home improvement? (Patrick just looks at him and barks twice.) Hey, Patrick!
Patrick: Oh...sweeping...ooh-hoo...
SpongeBob: Well, Patrick, I came over to see if you wanted to go jellyfishing, but I can see you're busy having an episode.
(Patrick turns to him and gasps. We hear a duck noise.)
Patrick: You know somethin', SpongeBob? It's just all fun and games for you. Nothing really matters. Oh, let's go jellyfishing! We don't have any work to do. Life is just a big bowl of fancy assorted cashews! And nobody has anything to dust, or to clean, or to wipe...OR FABRICATE!!
SpongeBob: But, Patrick, the only thing I've ever seen you clean is your plate.
(Patrick falls to SpongeBob's feet, sobbing.)
Patrick: I don't know what to do SpongeBob, you gotta help me!
SpongeBob: Patrick! You forgot how to eat again! Come on, we'll get the funnel.
Patrick: No, it's not that, SpongeBob. It's worse!
SpongeBob: Darn, I like the funnel. Well, what is it then?
Patrick: Look! (he sits up and pulls a rolled up paper out of his bellybutton)
SpongeBob: Hey, a note! (there is a musical note on the paper)
Patrick: Yeah, but turn it over...there's a letter! (the letter "B" is on the other side)
SpongeBob: You're right.
Patrick: And, I got this message from my parents! (SpongeBob tosses the paper and Patrick hands him a different one.)
SpongeBob: Your parents?! (reading) "Dear Patrick. Your mom and I are coming out tomorrow for Starfish Day. Please try to remember, but don't try too hard or you'll hurt yourself like last time. Love, Daddy."
Patrick: SpongeBob, my parents think I'm dumber than a sack of diapers.
SpongeBob: No they don't, Patrick. Parents just like to push your buttons. Like this! (he pokes Patrick on the chest with two fingers, making his eyes pop out of his head)
Patrick: (laughs) That always cheers me up. But not today.
SpongeBob: Patrick, if your parents think you're dumb, then they must not know what dumb really is.
Patrick: But, don't they watch television?
SpongeBob: That's what I'm sayin', Pat. If your parents got to meet a real dummy, they'd realize what a genius you really are!
Patrick: Oh, but don't genius live in a lamp? And besides, we don't know any dumb people.
SpongeBob: Don't worry, Patrick. I'll be the dummy! When your parents see how dumb I act, they'll think you're the smartest guy ever!
Patrick: Math is power!

(Cut to under Patrick's rock where Patrick is looking at himself in a mirror.)
Patrick: (singing) A, B, C, D, E, F, G...(doorbell rings, he sings faster as he runs for it) HIJKLMNO...
(We see Patrick's mom and dad outside the rock, dad is knocking.)
Mom: Should I get the bullhorn again, Marty?
(Patrick suddenly lifts open the rock, his dad, not seeing him, continues knocking on Patrick's head.)
Patrick: (finishing the alphabet, quickly) WXYandZ. Hi, mom. Hi, dad.
Dad: Son! You recognized us this time!
Patrick: Why wouldn't I recognize my own parents?
Dad: You never were a bright one.
Patrick: Uuuhhh.
Dad: (laughs) Well, aren't you gonna show us inside?
Mom: He probably forgot where it is.
Patrick: Oh, I know where...
Dad: Aw, let me lead the way, so we don't get lost, huh? Hold hands now. (they hold hands as they go into Patrick's house and stop in front of the couch) Ok, we're almost there. Let go on three. One, two, three!
Mom: Good job!
Mom and Dad: Pats for Patrick! (laughs)
Patrick: I'll go get the beverages.
(Patrick leaves the room, then returns with three full glasses on a tray.)
Dad: Wow, son! You put the drinks IN something this time! Ah, son, you musta been working all night to put these together for us.
Mom and Dad: We love you! (they both kiss him on either side of his head, Patrick groans, then the doorbell rings)
Patrick: Alright, the idiot's here! I mean...I'll get it!
SpongeBob: (outside the rock straightening his karate headgear, talking to Gary) Protective helmet...check.
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: I'm supposed to look stupid, Gary.
Gary: (as he turns to leave) Meow?
SpongeBob: What could go wrong?
(The rock opens, Patrick and his parents pop up.)
Patrick: What a surprise!
SpongeBob: Hi.
Patrick: Mom, dad, meet my neighbor, SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: Hi.
Dad: Hello there.
Mom: How do ya do?
SpongeBob: Hi. (He walks up to them.)
Dad: (reaching out his hand to shake with SpongeBob) Put ‘er there.
(SpongeBob reaches into his pocket and pulls out a doll that says "mama", then he puts it in dad's hand.)
Patrick: He means, shake! (SpongeBob shakes his whole body up and down.) No, SpongeBob, no! Shake hands. (SpongeBob shakes his hands by his side.) No, SpongeBob. Grab my dad's hand. (grabs his hand with both hands and a foot.) Grab it with only one hand! (lets go with the foot and other hand.) Good boy! Now, move your arm up and down. (moves arm up and down at his body, not his hand, Patrick giggles)
Mom: So, SpongeBob, do ya live nearby?
SpongeBob: Hi.
Patrick: No, SpongeBob. Show them your house. (SpongeBob lifts his clothing, revealing a frilly shirt underneath) No, not your blouse, your house!
(SpongeBob is next seen running toward his house. He runs head first into the side.)
Mom: He lives in a fruit?
Dad: That's unhealthy.
(Patrick starts laughing to himself.)
Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob! You wanna stay for dinner?
(SpongeBob is seen on his knees, looking up at the sky, pointing with both hands, and babbling like and idiot.)

(Cut to inside Patricks house again. Patrick and his mom and dad are on the couch, tv dinner trays in front of them.)
Dad: Does he always do that after he eats?
(SpongeBob is standing to the side, pushing in his nose, which makes his pants fall down.)
Patrick: Only on Wednesday.
(SpongeBob throws up his hands and an alarm buzzer sound comes out of his mouth. Patrick giggles.)
Dad: Ha! Uh, Patrick, I think your friend might be broken.
Patrick: Yeah, it would take more than some masking tape to fix that guy.
(Strange noises continue coming from SpongeBob as he does silly things.)
Dad: Woa-ho...is he gonna be okay?
Patrick: Oh, that's nothin'. You should see him in the mornin', prancin' around, yellin' "I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm re..." He drives all the neighbors crazy. Why, just the other day, our neighbor, Squidward, was... (suddenly SpongeBob flies over them and crashes out of sight on the other side of the house) There's really no help for him. (SpongeBob is seen making impressions of himself in the sand in Patrick's walls. Patrick walks up to him.) I mean, look at the way he's dressed. Only somebody with holes drilled in their head would wear that stuff. (SpongeBob gets a sad look on his face.) And how about this shape?! I mean, I heard of barrel-chested, but never box-chested! (Patrick and his parents laugh hysterically.) Hey, SpongeBob, do ya have any mascara I can borrow?! (flicks SpongeBob's eyelashes)
Dad: The boy wears makeup?
Mom: What a card!
(All laugh hysterically again, a duck noise sounds, and we see SpongeBob has another sad, yet perplexed, look on his face.)
SpongeBob: Hey, Patrick. PATRICK!
Patrick: Aw, he said my name! (points at SpongeBob)
Dad: Wow. How'd you train him to do that?
(SpongeBob bites Patrick's finger.)
Patrick: Ow! He bit me!
SpongeBob: Patrick, meet me in the kitchen.
Patrick: O-oh...I guess the dummy wants to have a private conversation. (mom and dad laugh) A dumb one! (Patrick and SpongeBob walk into the kitchen.) So, what's on your mind? No, wait! I already know the answer. Nothing! (laughs) See, that's funny! ‘Cause you're dumb!
SpongeBob: Patrick, could you let up on the insults just a little bit?
Patrick: Oh, were those too complicated for ya? I'll try dumbing them down a bit.
SpongeBob: Patrick, I get the feeling that you think I really am dumb. (Patrick is now wearing a black T-shirt that reads: "I'm with the dummy" and a big red arrow beneath it pointing to where SpongeBob is standing.)
Patrick: That's just what I'd expect you to say. Dumb people are always blissfully unaware of how dumb they really are. (starts drooling with a dumb look on his face)
SpongeBob: I'm only pretending to be dumb. It was our plan, remember?
Patrick: (not wearing the shirt anymore) Oh, SpongeBob, if only you could see how stupid you sound right now, with your talk of imaginary plans. Tell you what...you've caught me in a good mood. I'll humor you. Go on...go out there and act smart for everyone.
SpongeBob: Ok, I will! (removes his karate head gear and gives it to Patrick)
Patrick: A-and don't worry, I'll keep this warm for ya! (puts it on his head)
(SpongeBob walks back out the living room.)
SpongeBob: (clears throat) I have a confession to make. I lied about being stupid. I just acted like a fool so you would appreciate Patrick a little bit more. I know how to talk, and eat, and do laundry. I even separate the darks from the lights. So whadya say we start over and try again? Hi! My name is SpongeBob SquarePants, and I am not a dummy. (reaches out a hand to dad)
Dad: (laughs) Amazing! Three minutes in the kitchen and our son has taught him to talk in complete sentences. Oh, good work, son!
Patrick: It wasn't easy, dad.
SpongeBob: Bu-bu-but-but...
Mom: It looks like it's time for your next lesson, young man!
SpongeBob: Now, listen to me! I'm not dumb! I have a brain, see? Here's a picture of it! (pulls out a small photo of his brain)
Patrick: That must be actual size. (he and parents laugh)
SpongeBob: NO!! It's normal size and fully functional! Watch. (runs in front of a chalkboard and writes 2+2=4) Two plus two equals four!
Dad: Oh-ho, son! You taught him math, too!
SpongeBob: Nooooooooooooooo!
Dad: And ya taught him to sing! (SpongeBob starts to get steaming mad, making stuttering sounds and clenching his teeth.) Now he's short-circuiting. You musta taught him a little too much!
(Goes into a twenty second laughing sequence with Patrick, dad, and mom all laughing hysterically.)
SpongeBob: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! (runs through the side wall of the house)
Dad: Hee, hee! You know son, I've always known that when it comes to brightness, weeell--you're about a three watt. But this guy, he's a wet match in a dark cave. He makes phone operators seem smart. But more importantly, son, he showed me what a sharp, quick-witted boy you've become. Huh, I-I feel like I'm really meeting you for the first time...(hugs Patrick, then leans over to mom) isn't that right, Janet?
Mom: You bet, Marty!
(Patrick gets a stunned look on his face.)
Patrick: Janet?! Marty?! WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?!?!
Janet: Marty! I'm scared! (doorbell rings and the rock opens up)
Squidward: Excuse me, does this lovely couple belong to you? They've been standing outside my house saying "where's Patrick?" all day! (We see another starfish couple, wearing clothing with similar likeness to Patrick's.) It's driving me nuts!
Patrick: Mom, dad! (runs and hugs them)
Real Dad: Wow, son. You actually recognized us this time.
Real Mom: And you remembered to get dressed today.
(Patrick looks up at them, then they all laugh.)
Marty: Oh, that's right, honey...we don't have a son!
Janet: Oh yeah! (they walk away)
(Patrick and his real parents are left laughing under the rock, which closes on top of them.)
End